Finale

You know, I'm kinda glad 2008 is over.
'Cause I'm not very good at writing eights. They get a little messy.
It will be nice when the date doesn't have to include this awkward number.
So welcome, 2009, the year of not-eight!

What?

"Does she have your phone number, Michelle?"
He's taking a message because she's not feeling well enough to come to the phone. And I'm wondering what our friendship looks like from that end if he has to ask this. Of course she has my phone number! She's supposed to be my best friend!
(I left my phone number again. She probably won't know that's because he asked for it; she'll probably think I think she doesn't have it. She'll possibly feel aghast at the situation too.)

------

"Goodbye! I love you!"
"Um... yeah. Bye!"
That was an awkward end to our phone conversation. Has she started some new I-don't-say-the-word-love thing? Or does she really not love me anymore? I can't think of any reasons... Funny, she's one that I've always trusted to care. I'm trying to believe that this is more about her than me.

======

"Michelle! I thought it might be you! I heard the phone ring, and I was in my room and I didn't want to get up and go get it, but then I thought, 'It might be Michelle,' so I did. And I'm glad I did!"
Thanks Friend. That was redemptive tonight. Thank you for valuing me and answering the phone.

Memorality

So I just finished reading "Remember Me" by Sophie Kinsella. It's about a girl who loses three years of her memory. She wakes up after a car accident in 2007 thinking it's 2004, and she's surprised by everything that had changed in her life - including her personality. All the sudden she looks perfect, is married to a millionaire, and is the boss of her department, but she had become completely hard and driven and she lost all her friends. Now she is her old self again, the person she was three years ago, trapped in the life of the person she has become.

On the topic of amnesia, it reminded me of another book: "See Jane Run" by Joy Fielding. (This book was amazing!) The story begins suddenly with a woman who has no idea who she is, what she is doing, or why she is doing it. She has no memories, no knowledge of her identity or opinions. She has no idea why her dress is covered with blood or why her pocket is full of hundreds. Eventually she is recognized and reunited with her husband, who is a stranger to her, but no less than she is a stranger to herself. Her husband begins to point out her strange behaviour and how she typically would have reacted to situations - with impatience, temper, and rudeness - and she is taken aback because that no longer seems natural to her.

These stories make me think about how our personality is created by our circumstances. The situations that we are in affect who we become. And if we were to no longer know about those situations, if we did not have to live in response to them, we find ourselves to be different people. Personality is dependant on memory. Interesting.

O Canada

God keep our land
glorious and free...

I've always meant that.
But now we're not talking.

My patriotism is tied to my spirituality?
Is there anything that I care about anymore?

It's a funny place when the national anthem almost makes you cry.

Christmas

Is it spiteful to write about difficulties with God on Christmas Day? I don't want to be a spiteful person... But it seemed fitting...

My Christmas wasn't very religiously-focused. I felt a little shocked and taken aback when I received religiously-themed gifts (like a candle with a Bible verse on it, and a homemade Advent book with a story, Scripture, and carol to read every day in December). I tried to use up all the religious-y Christmas cards I had 'cause although they don't really suit me this year, they might suit me even less next year.

I had a good Christmas though. I wasn't looking forward to spending it with my Dad's side of the family, but everyone kept saying "I'm so glad you came" and I had to say it back so many times that eventually it became true. And Oma brought apple sauce for Christmas dinner, just because that's Christmas for me. I was really touched. Yeah, it was good. Way better than I expected.

...Remembering

Growing Apart...

So... God and I aren't really friends these days. (I tried out the term "breaking up," but that didn't quite feel right. "Not really friends" fits better.) I'm trying to consider this a mood instead of a decision, so that it can be more flexible and more open to reversal. But that's where things are right now.

I wrote this about three weeks ago:

I didn't think it would happen this fast, the whole not-friends-with-God thing. It was a long time coming, but the process has been particularly swift lately. And the unusual thing is, it doesn't scare me this time.

A long time coming...
~~ Seven years ago I had a dream where I got murdered, and I said "I love you, Jesus, I hope I can be with you soon." Remembering this upon waking up was such a relief to me, because at the time I was doubting whether I was committed enough to God.
~~ Five years ago I related to Toby Mac's lyrics: Somebody said you better let go, 'cause they said so, but I could never let this thing go, don't they even know what that means... I was horrified at the thought of having to let go.
~~ Around that time I cried at a party because it felt like everything was falling apart, including my faith. It felt like I was trying to hang on but my fingers were being pried loose.
~~ It was probably about three years ago that I stopped saying I loved God. It's not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know if it was true or not and I didn't want to lie.
~~ That's around when I articulated that if my boyfriend treated me the way God did (especially regarding the distance), I would break up with him and that would be a smart choice.
~~ When did my church allergy begin? It's been about three years since I've gone to church regularly. I blame work, but that's only an excuse.
~~ The fall before last I felt afraid to be alone with God, because so much was wrong between us.
~~ A year and a bit ago, my word to describe our SpTh retreat was "bereft," and prayer made me cry so I cried the whole time.
~~ When I got done school this spring, I worried about the path my spiritual life would take when I was no longer in a Christian setting.
~~ In August it felt like God and I were breaking up, and I cried, "I don't want to say goodbye," and it was the end of the world for a weekend. In September I could sense that more fights were coming.
I guess ten years was a good run?

I've been trying to articulate some reasons, some recent factors that have contributed to this falling away:
~~ Community has always been important to my faith. These days Christian community is lacking in my life. I lean on the faith of others, and now there are few to lean on. Also, the general flavor of my friendships with Christians over the last few years has been authenticity and variation rather than encouragement and conformity.
~~ I've had years of emotional pain. He's been there and he hasn't helped, and all I've had is a constant sense of his distance. That pain has become less acute as I've learned to readjust my expectations and as I've become numb to it. Unanswered prayers have taught me not to ask. I don't expect to be happy anymore, and I don't expect life to be good, and somehow it's hard to still believe God is close.
~~ Justin has been a factor here too. I wouldn't say that this is due to him (it was coming anyways), but having him in my life has probably sped up the process. Getting into a relationship always provides a bit of a religious crisis for me, but I can usually convince myself that it is God's will. This time I can't do that (and the concept of God's will has become pretty shaky to me), so it feels like it might be disobedience. Even before getting into this relationship with Justin, I recognized that the spiritual disposition of the person you're dating can affect your own trajectory. But being with Justin has made me happier than "being with God" lately.
~~ Advent threw me over the edge. Seriously, I don't think attempts at disciplines are helpful for me. The effort to say "O come, o come, Emmanuel" every day made me question the invitation and shy away from it.
~~ There are so many good examples of nonChristians and bad examples of Christians. Most of our history is power-grasping and shameful, not a testimony to Christ. I personally have received bruises at the hands of Christians. And the lack of personal growth I sense in my own life (and the recognition of the opposite) has been discouraging. Christians aren't necessarily good people, which does not speak well for Christianity.
~~ I have been challenged by many questions regarding faith. Is God actually involved in the details of life, and do things really come to us from him? Does everything, the good and the bad, come from him, or just the good? Is it possible to recognize what is good? Is growth as a person compatible with growth as a Christian?
~~ It has also been a challenge to discover the variety of Christian opinion on doctrine. Calvinism and Arminianism are contradictory, but they both fall under the Christian umbrella?! I've learned not to be dogmatic, not to hold too tightly to my beliefs because the alternatives are also valid.

Of course there are implications...
~~ What do I say when people ask, "Are you a Christian?" I've had doubts about the label for a while. I guess it now describes me less than it ever has...
~~ I kinda miss talking to God - just the little things throughout the day that I want to express to someone. I sometimes turn my attention towards him, and then remember that we're not really talking. ....But I guess I don't have to be bound by expectations - this can be whatever it needs to be, and if I want to talk to God I can, even if in general we're fighting?
~~ Koine Greek is of no use outside of Christian circles. But I like Greek, and my best possible future plans involve getting a master's and teaching it. Giving up God kinda means giving up my future. And I don't have any other ideas. Retail for life, for real? ....But I guess I could pursue Greek as purely an intellectual matter, and get a master's as an academic exercise. We look down upon those people who work in the Christian realm and don't love God, but it's an option.
~~ When I talked to Abel about this, he asked the insightful question, "How does this affect who you are?" I'm still thinking about that.
~~ During previous fights, I have realized that breaking fellowship with God largely means breaking fellowship with his people. Do you like me for me, or do you like me for my Christianity? So much that I have been complimented for in the past is no longer true. Does enough remain? Will people respect me for/despite this?
~~ There are a couple people who still look up to me, like Trevor and Inid, and I don't really want to tell them about this... And I realize that even to many of you I am becoming a tragedy. I remember how it feels to be there, hearing that someone is here. I'm sorry?

What remains?
~~ I tried to think through Christian doctrine, assessing what I still believe. And it seems that there isn't much I would flat out deny. Like, I still believe God exists and Jesus came. Well, I guess I question the afterlife. But for the most part, I feel a distant acknowledgment toward Christian belief. It just makes no sense to me.

Honest Connections

Today was a day of some honesty:

Coffee with Abel.
He's always been the one that I talk things out with, especially if they're religious things, especially if they're not so "acceptable." And right now I have some stuff going on that I needed to talk about. Although it was great to see him and go for coffee once again, it wasn't a long-anticipated conversation at all because I had kinda forgotten my Christmas traveling plans would make it a possibility. I didn't think about him until I was on the way, didn't call him until I got into town. I'm lucky he was free (although he seems to make me a priority when I'm around... and then I seem to expect him to...). I'm glad he was; it was so good to put some of the things floating around in my head into words, to articulate and clarify them to myself as I shared them with him. I felt good when I left.

Christmas with my cousin.
We used to be close, but then a few years ago I stopped writing after she pressed too hard regarding my underlying issues that I didn't want to talk about. Now I've missed out on some really significant events in her life, and I feel guilty. I was nervous about seeing her, about spending Christmas together. So when I wrote her a Christmas card last night, I decided to address the distance between us. I apologized for my silence. I remembered something that she once wrote to me about pulling inward during times of her own personal pain, and I said it felt like that describes me too - but that I'm not able to talk about it (because this was an apology, an attempt to offer some understanding, but not an invitation to delve into it). And I thanked her for being someone who has been important in my life. We exchanged a sympathetic smile as she read this, and later we had a really good talk about other stuff as we rolled cookies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other thoughts (not on the topic of vulnerability)

requition (requited) - reciprocal - equal, fair, deserved
It feels really awkward when they give me more than I have given them. When at the last minute I write kind words in a card and and toss in a small chocolate bar, in return for their fancy gift basket or big tin of popcorn. And they receive it with such excitement! Not that I expected it to be any other way - they always shop for me; I never shop for them. We're just not that close, and I feel that gifts should be some reflection of the relationship. I guess they were taught to be more generous than I was. Even the 10 year old had something for everyone.

Families
What makes a good family, when you set out to make one one? All my cousins (but one) are married with kids, and seeing their interactions just made me wonder. They probably put on a good face for Christmas and they're not exactly as happy as I imagine them to be. But they are making it work, and building families. The concept seems bizarre to me.

War and Christmas

Garth Brooks

Belleau Woods

(Sadly, I can't download videos from YouTube anymore...)

Dishwasher

So the Dishwasher Maintenance Man showed up a little unexpectedly today. I was sleeping, and I was trying to ask my cousin why he was giving me a crock pot cookbook, and then there was some knocking on my door, and then I got up (still half asleep) to see what was going on, and it was the maintenance guy! And sadly I never got to find out about my cousin and the cookbook, because dreams aren't really the kind of thing you can go back to.

It turns out that the problem with my dishwasher is that I don't use it enough, which manifested itself in a total lock up - not draining and not spraying and not doing anything but clicking occasionally. If it just sits there for too long, the parts stick together and then possibly break when you try to turn it on. Crazy! I thought it was to my virtue that I don't use my dishwasher all that much, that I don't make all that many dishes and sometimes I just hand wash them all, but it turns out to be detrimental. Huh.

I don't know what the maintenance guy did, but it sprays and drains... and leaks now. He lent me a towel to catch the leaks, and he'll talk to the apartment people about what they want to do about that. I guess it's an expensive fix. There will be some sort of sequel to my dishwasher saga.

It was nice to not be completely ignored on this matter. Maybe some of my faith in apartment maintenance and things improving has been restored.

Retreat

I am noticing within myself a gradual withdrawal from the world. From socialness. (I was phrasing it "from life," but that started to get dangerous-ish.) I'm not so interested in making a lot of social plans, and I'm not excited about big events. I imagine it's just a phase. I kinda credit it to being satisfied just spending time with Justin - my default has gone from being alone to hanging out with him, so I don't have alone-ness to motivate me to make other plans. This was okay when I first noticed it, but in the last few days it's adopted a bit of a crazy flavor...

Tonight we had our work xmas party. I wasn't really excited about it; it snuck up on me and the size of the affair made me feel withdrawn. Justin was coming with me and I wondered how that would be, and I couldn't help but remember how last year's even precipitated an extremely bad next day.
I guess it was okay. I didn't really have a great time. Yeah, it was fun to see everyone dressed up and chat over dinner. But when the dancing started I felt like a wallflower. I was afraid to dance, my heart lacked the energy, and I shied away from the attention. Everyone else was having fun, and I was on the outside.
We left early. I tried to find Katie to say goodbye, but she wasn't around anywhere. So I texted her to let her know I was leaving - and it turns out she was already gone. She didn't say goodbye to me... I guess she had to leave quickly because all the cool kids were heading off to the bar, and that's something of an excuse, but it still makes me sad. I tried to say goodbye to her...

What made me cry on the drive home was thinking that they care.
And they do. Had anyone known how I was feeling, they would have taken the time to show it.
Because they're nice.
And because I'm worth it.
Why does that hurt?

Books Read - Fall 2008

1. Sex God by Rob Bell
2. Taking Care of the Me in Mommy - a gift for a friend
3. Playing for Pizza by John Grisham
4. Twilight (The Vampire Story) by Stephenie Meyer
5. Animal Farm by George Orwell
6. New Moon (Vampire Story part 2)
7. For One More Day by Mitch Albom
8. Eclipse (Vampire Story part 3)
9. Breaking Dawn (Vampire Story part 4)
10. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

Books Half Read...
a. Stealing Jesus
b. Soul Shaping
c. Prayer by Philip Yancey

Shhh

Maybe if I write really small, it won't seem too hard. Maybe I can whisper past this writer's block, this tired inability to articulate, this preference for sleep.
Of course, when it's on the computer there's no difference in the effort required for large type and small type. But somehow writing small is still different. A different tone of voice. More possible.

It's cold outside. And it's cold inside. Last weekend it got down to 11.7 degrees in my apartment. It's been better since, but tonight it's getting a little chilly again. Last year this happened too when it got really really cold out, and it felt like the end of the world to me. This year it's not quite such a big deal. I credit that to the fact that last weekend Justin came over to warm me up. =) I guess I should call the maintenance guys to come and fix something so I don't freeze. But I called today about my dishwasher that won't drain, left a message, and got neither response nor fixing. That coupled with Thanksgiving's lock incident and my general inability to believe that things will improve make it hardly worth the effort, especially when I can't picture the solution.

I got promoted at work. I'm a full time supervisor now (before I was just a relief supervisor). It took them something like three months to make this decision - they sent it all the way to head office because our store manager wasn't comfortable making the decision himself - which made me feel like they were trying to find reasons not to give it to me (I have five years seniority on everyone else). The explanation I eventually got was that there were several really good candidates who excelled in different ways and they had a hard time deciding what was most important. I guess that satisfies me, especially since I came out on top in the end? Now they're piling more work and responsibility on me, and making me wonder if this is really what I wanted. And... it is. I would be upset if I didn't get this, and I find I am more satisfied on supervisor shifts than cash shifts. But I'm not really in the mood to be happy with work right now.

I got a new phone! My contract expired back in the spring, so this was long overdue and I've been trying to do it for a while. It feel like success now that it's done. And it's such an exciting phone! It flips open to reveal a full qwerty keyboard! I'm excited about my new phone.

Things are good with Justin. I like not being alone - I like having someone around to hang out with, talk to, share this piece of life with. I don't think I expected it to be this good when I got into this relationship.

Things are not so good with God. I can't talk about that yet.

I haven't emailed Trevor in a couple weeks. I feel guilty. For a while we were exchanging daily emails, and that was great. But like I've neglected this blog, I've had to neglect my correspondence with him. I just haven't been able to write. I'm sorry that there are two sides to this situation - that it's not just me not emailing him, but there is him, not receiving emails from me. I'm sorry that I basically withdrew the means of our friendship. I'm not sure what he's thinking; I hope he understands. It sucks that I can't trust myself to be a more faithful friend.

Xmas Thoughts

This is Christmas. The dinner and present exchange with Mom. Even if it's on the wrong day, this is the main event for me.

I see/hear advertisements for Christmas gifts and I think, "It's too late, guys, it's already here!" before I realize that everyone else still has a few more weeks.

Merry Christmas!

Blended Families

It's weird trying to bring everyone together, and trying to celebrate a holiday with blended traditions for the blended family. Now there's brussel sprouts for dinner and half of us think the other half is weird for wanting pineapple sauce/mango chutney on the ham. They put their stockings on his electric fireplace upstairs; ours are where they always are, on the real fireplace's hearth downstairs. They want "snappy wieners" (with mustard?!!) for breakfast in the morning, we cringe and request our traditional "baby apple."

Sisters

I love seeing how they love each other. She made her a collage for Christmas, and although I didn't get a close look, I could see the heart that went into it. Her xmas list is full of references to how her sister knows the details of what she wants, has great taste, and whatever would we do without her?! I hear the stories about how they're not always so wonderful, to other people at least. But I love seeing them show love for each other. Almost made me wish I had a sister. But my brother is pretty awesome.

Trade Off

He went back to a crappy job so that he'll have money for Christmas. But now he'll be working Christmas. I'd rather have him than a present.

Recommendation

I found another fantastic blog:

The Dullest Blog in the World

It's kinda refreshing.
Unfortunately, the new blogs I discover and enjoy are generally no longer updated. Sad.

I feel like I've been neglectful, and I apologize. I've been too tired and occupied to write much lately, but soon I hope to get over that and post stuff again. Soon. I have some thoughts accumulating.

Awareness

Having someone who always cares to know how you are doing means you have to be aware of how you are doing way more, and be able to articulate and explain that. You have to be more aware of your own life because there is someone who wants to share it with you at a level more intense than friendship.

Valued

"In case you haven't noticed, this is my Christmas dinner party. And you guys are here because you're the ones who are important to me."

I was so touched. This was more than just the kindness of being invited over for dinner (though dinner was fantastic). To be included in something more than just an ordinary dinner party, and with such a small crowd (although I know he has other good friends). Maybe the others couldn't come. I'm so glad I could. I'm really glad to be someone important enough to him to be included in this.

I don't really know why we're friends. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad we are - I'm just not sure what brought us together. What does he see in me that makes me worth his attention, his friendship? What is it that gets me an invite to his little Christmas dinner?

Later I thought to re-ask the question 'Why are we friends?' What is it about him that makes him worth my friendship?
- He is generous. He would do anything for his friends.
- I like attention, which (for some reason) he gives me
- He's really interesting. His gregariousness, which can sometimes come across as jerkiness, can instead be interpreted as charisma.
- I feel like he respects my choices, my values, who I am.
- I like doing things and having conversations with him.

Christmassy

I decorated my house for Christmas today. Success! Thanks for coming over to help, Friends. I value the time we spent together, the conversation we had, and the bond between us.

I am spending Christmas with my Dad's family (unfortunately), and my brother is too, so we are celebrating Christmas with Mom early - early like next weekend! So I had to get all that Christmas shopping done now! An early deadline means less time to procrastinate though; it makes me get it over with sooner. It feels kinda like having finals at the beginning of exam week - you have less time to study and prepare, but then you're home free while everyone else is still worrying.

Aloof

There's not much in my life that matters to me anymore.
There's not much that I'm afraid to lose. There's been too much loss, and now I expect it. It's all fleeting. Evanescent. I remember when there were so many things that were so important to me that I couldn't imagine living without them, and the thought of having to do so scared me so much. No longer.
There's not a lot that I care about. Not that I don't care about my friends - I mean things like virtue and character and spirituality and chastity. This is so unlike who I used to be.
But everything could very well be impossible. It's too hard to hope.
Anymore.

Visit

I don't want to go. I want to sleep in and read. I need to do some xmas shopping.
But Sat is bad for shopping.
Fri? Then go?

Katie. Candle party.
And Trevor. Breakfast.

Ermgh.

I'm not going.

Involvement

Sometimes people need me.

He had a sad day. A day of loneliness, a day when he wondered who his friends really were.

I thought about him several times that day. I thought about calling, just out of the blue, not realizing he was having a hard time, but I didn't. And it probably would have meant the world if I had.

Someone else did. They showed up in his life, they helped. I'm glad they did. But it could have been me.

And now I'm not sure whether to apologize, or just leave it unspoken and try to be a better friend in the future. A friend who is actually involved in the life of my friends.

Silent Treatment

I heard this song on the radio today as I drove.

Crystal Shawanda
What Do I Have To Do

I like it.
There's passion, feeling, truth.

It makes me pensive, though.
It reminds me of my parents.
Not of anything I remember from their relationship, just of the stories I heard.

Around their first anniversary (I think that's what she said), my Dad just stopped talking to my Mom. Not as in he only spoke about surface matters and wouldn't go deep - he wouldn't say anything to her. Not a word. Not even a greeting when he came home from work. And she begged and pleaded with him to tell her what was wrong, to tell her if she had done something, to tell her how she could make it better. Nothing. She was becoming a wreck. It lasted about a month, and then all the sudden he snapped out of it. She never got an explanation.

How hard is it just to have a simple conversation?

To tell me all about how your long day at work went?

For me to get through to you, what do I have to do?

It kinda sucks to re-realize my parents' marriage was crap.
No wonder she eventually got around to saying, "It's over."

Credits: YouTube

Remember This

Hey Michelle,
JEREMY IS ALLERGIC TO TOMATOES!!
So if you invite him over for dinner, you should cook something that does not have tomatoey stuff in it. Else he'll think you hate him.
That's a more difficult allergy that it would seem.

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen

In Prayer by Philip Yancey, page 105

Food Safe

So, um, I'm concerned about the way that I see many people treat raw meat. Like, if you use your hands to put the burgers on the barbecue, you need to wash your hands before you eat your finished burger!! And if you use that fork to put raw chicken in the pan, that fork is done and you need to use a new one to take the cooked chicken out of the pan!! It's cross contamination, man! Cooking kills the germs in the meat but not on the utensils that touched the meat before it was cooked! I thought this was common knowledge, but I guess not? Or maybe it's not quite as big of a deal as I think it is since it isn't continually making people sick?

Missing

I didn't realize how much I missed Katie until today.

We haven't kept in touch much over the past few months, but another friend mentioned her and asked how she was doing, which inspired me to send her an email. She said she was coming to town this weekend and suggested getting together. Amongst the other busyness we planned to have coffee at the mall this afternoon where she would be shopping with her family.

I called as I approached and she had bad news - the kids were acting up so they were all leaving right away. We could maybe stand in line and get coffee together, but she would have to leave shortly after. It might not even be worth finding a parking spot for? But I said, "if I can get ten minutes with you, I'll take it." There were things I needed to talk over with her. I ended up basically blurting them out since there wasn't time for a meandering conversation, but that was better than nothing. Then I walked with her across the mall to her car, just so we could get a little more time together.

She has the context to understand pretty much anything I need to talk about, and I feel like I can get things sorted out by talking them over with her. Being with her always makes me feel better (or distracts me) when I'm grumpy. She was really important to me this summer, and I didn't realize that hasn't faded. She signed a recent email to me "Love ya" and something in me says "I miss you!!!" with all sincerity.

She'll be back for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.

Donne

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. Therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

The Coming

So it turns out Advent started last week.
I'm not good at spiritual habits or discipline these days.
But I'd like to make an effort to observe the season.
It's funny how ideas come to me when at the last minute I wonder whether or not to do anything.
This year, a candle and a song will characterize my Advent devotions:





















O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here,
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny;
From depths of hell thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Desire of Nations, bind
All people in one heart and mind.
Bid envy, strife and quarrels cease,
Fill all the world with heaven's peace.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Update: That only lasted about a week before I hit a rebellion phase. I suspected that the candle was releasing soot into the air for me to breathe while I slept, which may not be so healthy. And... it got really hard to say "come." I don't know if I really mean things like "come, welcome, I invite you," these days.

Double Feature

Justin and I both had the day off today, so we declared it a FQun Day and went off to the mountains. The excitement of this averted the bad-morning-mood I was expecting, and we had a really good time. We stopped at Tim Horton's to grab breakfast on the way out of town. Then the first thing we did when we got there was ride the gondola up a mountain - something I don't think I had ever done before. It was really neat. At the top we took a walk, which was beautiful but cold. We did not pick a warm day for the mountains - but that kept a lot of other people away which was kind of nice. After stopping for coffee we walked around town a bit, and then went for a late lunch. It was a good day together. I had another engagement tonight, so we came home in the late afternoon. On the drive home during the question game we both basically said that the company was our favorite part.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight I attended a school function - a dinner with the major that I had been a part of before I graduated. These events generally make me feel quite unsettled, and tonight was no exception. I usually don't know what it is that makes me feel this way, but I'm going to see what I can do to articulate it this time.

It was strange going as an alumna. I wasn't the only one; there were a few others who are also no longer in school. And I knew everyone but two people there. But I only felt connected to about half the group. It's not what it was back when it was ours. I understand that change is inevitable and important, and the change started even before I left, but I can't help but feel disconnected. And somehow that feels very appropriate.

At the same time that I felt disconnected from the group in general, I acknowledge that some of these people are my closest friends. And some of them I haven't connected with in too long. This entity has been my community - the ones with whom I shared life and growth, and the ones who have had the right to speak into my life. They still have that right, although there are few opportunities now. Jeremy and I had a valuable conversation about some things going on in my life right now. He listened to me, and then expressed some concerns. Later when I left he said he hoped I didn't mind his advice, he hoped it didn't make me upset. On the contrary, I told him that I appreciate it when people care enough about me to tell me what they think I don't want to hear. And these people do care about me. That means that in some sense I am responsible to them, and I cannot simply live recklessly. No man is an island.

We all have way less in common now than we did then. I had nothing to add to their conversation about classes and assignments because I'm not there anymore. It's not only that, though. Even much of what we do still have in common feels like it's waning in my life. And being with them reminds me of all I've lost.

I still owe the prof some research that I don't want to do. I haven't spoken to her since graduation last year, and I've kinda been avoiding her because I don't want her to ask about it. I was afraid to go tonight for that reason, and I was relieved that she didn't bring it up. Maybe she's forgotten? But at the same time that I feel like I can't do it, I feel like not completing what I owe her is a problem with my character.

Maybe I'm just tired. The context and conversations inspired some doubts about where my life is going. The interjection into this community felt awkward. I felt great before I went and I feel so unsettled at the end.

Inevitable

...on
......a
.......bit of a downswing.

I had a really nice vacation from my problems. I credit the fun of getting into a new relationship. But all vacations have to end sometime and we have to go home.

Being with Justin is still making me happy. But that happiness isn't strong enough to pervade the rest of my life any longer like it had been doing. I've felt great for the last few weeks, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. And here it is, the downswing.

Mornings are worst. I just want to keep sleeping. Then I sit down to put on my shoes before I leave the house and I don't want to get up - I just want to keep sitting there. I seriously need to stop being late for work. And I just feel grumpy and so very tired until my shift winds down. I don't know if people are suddenly really hostile or if I am just hypersensitive, but I've had a lot of conflict-ful encounters with customers in the last few days. Plus I start to assume the worst about what people think of me. When I tell Anson it's breaktime and he says he's going to wait, I believe that's because he doesn't want to spend his break with me instead of thinking that he wants to clean up his board before he passes it off to someone else. Things perk up somewhat by the time evening comes around and I get done work, though, thankfully.

I don't really know how to do a relationship from this place. I feel like I'm not fun and I don't have much to say, and it's hard to explain why. I warned Justin about the inevitability of a downswing a few days ago, and then I brought it up again today. He doesn't really understand, but he tries. I'm not really sure what I expect from him or from myself here. So this is the next relationship issue I'm facing. I'm curious about how it will turn out. Being able to be in a relationship even when I am not okay is an important skill I need to learn.

Meaningful

Tonight a friend asked me, "How does your depression affect your new relationship?" And I love it that she brought this up, that she wasn't afraid to ask. I love it when discussing depression doesn't feel taboo and when people are actually comfortable with it.

^^^^

A month-ish ago another friend revealed to me that she has started taking antidepressants because she's having a hard time with happiness. She asked me about my experiences and shared how the journey has been for her, and I felt so honored that she was comfortable sharing this with me. Conversations like this that cut through the pretense seem intensely important to me.

Quote

"I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart."
- For One More Day, Mitch Albom, 193-194

Trust

"What does trust mean to you," he asked.

...believing that people will do what they say they will...
...believing that people care and are interested...
...believing that when I share myself, I won't be rejected...
...believing that people will not harm me.

Attention

I was at the mall, walking into a clothing store, when I heard a voice behind me.
//Excuse me?//
I wasn't sure that I was the one being addressed, but I turned around anyways to see a shaggy blond guy with an air of vulnerability.
//Can I ask you a question?//
\\Sure!\\
//Um, would you go out with me sometime?//
There were lots of reasons to say no. I picked, \\Oh, I don't live around here.\\
//Oh. That's too bad. You're really beautiful... Well, it was nice to meet you.// And he shook my hand.
I grinned - this kind of thing doesn't happen to me!
I hadn't even gotten over no-makeup week!
I enjoyed the attention.

Visit

I came home for the "weekend" to see Mom and a friend. It was my friend's birthday and I never did make it to the post office to mail her a gift, and it has been too long since I've seen her anyways, so I figured it was time for a visit.

My friend and I hung out today. I went over to her place and made sure her baby didn't fall off the counter while she worked on a craft project with another friend, and then when the other person left we just chatted and caught up on each other's lives. Oh yeah, and I learned that I'm not the queen of changing diapers. It turned out alright, but I'm definitely not pro. Which is fine right now.

My time with my Mom is a little scattered. She had a conference last night, so I saw her for a bit after that when I got here. Then today she had the conference all day and a Christmas party tonight. So I saw her for a bit between the two events, and we'll see if I stay up until she gets home. Tomorrow we'll go out for brunch together before I head home and before she heads to yet another Christmas party.

Home. I use that word to mean both here and there. Mom used it (referring to me) to mean here, but then corrected herself. And really, this doesn't feel much like home. Too much has changed, and I have built my own life.

I have been so so very tired today. I'm trying to figure out why I'm always so tired when I'm here...
- the drive makes me tired
- I guess I don't sleep well in an unfamiliar bed?
- being allergic to the cat certainly doesn't help
- there's a lot of social effort involved in trying to be interesting and happy with people for long periods of time, and that wears me out

Banal Longevity

I wish life weren't so long.
I can make good enough decisions with the next few months in mind. I can plan for that. But when I realize that choices I make now, small and large, will affect the rest of my life, which I assume will be a very long time, I feel so confined. Everything feels reckless because the consequences reach so far. Everything feels meaningless because nothing will last as long as life.
It is wearisome.

Culture

I walked into the break room and greeted Yete, grabbed my lunch bag and sat down beside him. He had a tray of fries in front of him. He motioned to them and then to me, insisting I have some. "Africans always eat together," he explained. It seemed like he feels uneasy eating alone and not having anyone to share with. That must be a big culture shift for him: going from a place where everyone shares their food to one where people generally provide only for themselves. I am well steeped in my own culture, and so although I have no problem bumming a few fries off my coworkers (and stolen fries always taste better), I kinda felt a little uncomfortable with his insistence that I eat more of his food. I don't know exactly where he's from, but it's a different world.

I like what's familiar and I am a product of my world. The glimpse I caught of Yete's approach to life and communality sparkles with beauty, but it makes me feel awkward. That discomfort gets in the way of me saying "that's wonderful," desiring to see more, or feeling inspired to be more like that.

Fun Day

I had a great day today. In fact, it was Fun Day with a capital Q. Justin and I both had the day off, so we spent it together. We went to a lake out of town and had a picnic and took a walk. Then we came back here and watched a movie. Afterwards we laid on the couch and talked for a long time.

We played a question game - the one where he asks me a question and then I ask him one.
He asked, What do you think the most important thing is in a relationship?
After thinking about it for a minute, I answered, The ability to be yourself. Feeling like you can reveal who you are to the other person, and that you don't just have to be who they expect you to be. Giving them the freedom to be who they are.
Do you feel that way with me, he asked. It's a process of revelation, but yeah, I do.

Update 11/11/08: In the next installment of the question game, I asked Justin what he thinks the most important thing in a relationship is. He responded with thoughts on communication. Having few secrets. Being truthful.

Church

I was scared to go. There's been a bit of a hiatus from church again, and I kinda fell of the face of the earth where Nick is concerned. I slept in one week so I didn't even call him about going to church (and he didn't call me either). Then I was away for Thanksgiving, then the next week I was in Ontario, then I worked on Sunday morning for the next few weeks. Now here we are. I have the day off, and woke up on time. I texted Nick, saying sorry for being incommunicato and telling him I'd be coming to church today. I heard back from him five hours later, after church was long over. So I was there alone. I sat alone. Near the door. And felt kinda awkward.

I don't really believe a lot of what they say. "Really? Is that an essential part of the Christian message, or just a possible application to a particular situation? Maybe it's true in a certian context, but always, for everyone? For me?" I guess it's possible that a different church could be better (I didn't choose this one based on its teaching, after all), but I don't even know what it is I want to hear, what I would agree with.

I'll probably be working Sundays for the next many weeks. So I won't be back for a while.

Guy Friends

It's interesting to find the balance with guy friends when I'm in a relationship.

Mark called today. He's an acquaintance from a few years ago who I ran into about a month ago. We got together for coffee and a movie two weeks ago, and although he's a nice guy I didn't have a great time. He called again today, asking if I was busy tonight. ("Yeah, I have some plans.") How about tomorrow? Pizza and a movie or something? ("Can I get back to you on that?...")

I also hung out with Kwesi today. He texted me this morning and we went for a walk/hike before I went to work. Kwesi is one thing, Mark is another. Kwesi and I were already friends, but it's a new thing with Mark and I don't quite know what he's thinking. Also, Kwesi already knew about Justin, whereas Mark did not.

I didn't quite know how to answer Mark. It felt really weird to think about saying yes, but I don't want to feel like I can't hang out with other guys. I called him back later though and said that I wouldn't be available to hang out tomorrow. "I just got into a new relationship, and I need some time for that." He seemed okay with that, and I was too. He vaguely suggested coffee sometime, and I non-commitally said sure.

It isn't a matter of rules, and it doesn't feel helpful to articulate any. Some of my guy friendships are valuable to me and need to be maintained although I have a boyfriend. Some aren't worth developing since there's someone else who gets a lot of my time and attention.

As I told Justin about my day today, half the stories that I told were related to guy friends of mine. Then I said, "I don't want you to feel threatened by me having guy friends." He assured me that he didn't, and added that most of his friends are girls. Perfect!
Hanging out with Mark (and not enjoying it) is one thing that made me realize I wanted to be more than friends with Justin, haha.

Imaginary?

A month or so ago I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I was going to bed exceptionally early because I had to work in the morning, and my mind wasn't quite ready to slow down yet.

I turned my thoughts to God. Prayer felt really bizarre that night though, and I couldn't help but wonder if God is like my imaginary friend. Philip Yancey understands: "When doubts creep in and I wonder whether prayer is a sanctified form of talking to myself..." Do I just make up the idea of God because I like imagining someone is there?

But you'd think that if this was all a figment of my imagination, I would create it in a way that pleased me, that we would be happy together. It sucks to be rejected by your imaginary friend, especially when it seems to be because of your high self-esteem. So either I'm crazier than I thought, or it's not imaginary. But the idea has stuck with me.

Credits: Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference, 79.

Spice Club

I shop in bulk. Like, I buy things in really large packages, and then I try to use them up all by myself. Maybe I should share! (Notice how I don't consider buying smaller quantities...)

I've thought before how it would be fun to start a spice club, where when we buy spices in large quantities that would last us forever, we can share them with each other. Currently I have an overstock on:
1. Granulated Garlic
2. Oregano
Let me know if you'd be interested in some of these!

Today I stocked up on some things that are not spices, but that I now own in quantities that should be shared. So if you are interested in...
3. Extra Large Eggs
4. Generic Ibuprofen
...please let me know! And don't feel bad about asking - you'll be doing me a favor by letting me share these things with you! After all, although they might otherwise stick around forever, they won't stay good forever!

I couldn't stop laughing!

The funniest thing happened today at work.

I was sitting in the office researching a problem for someone, when all the sudden I heard one of my coworkers just outside the door to the office say, "Um, this isn't a price checker... it's for us to scan in and out for the day." A customer, wondering about the price on a pack of gum, brought it through the tills and scanned it repeatedly into our timeclock. I looked over at the girl beside me, who also heard the situation unfold, and we laughed and laughed!

(Maybe it was one of those you-needed-to-be-there kind of situations... It was so funny at the time though!)

The Morning After

I use the term "morning" loosely. I guess it means "the beginning of my day," whether or not that's before noon.

I woke up this "morning" feeling kinda weird about the situation. "Really, I'm dating Justin?" Not panicked or regretful, just kinda strange.

I hope I don't break his heart.

Update on Life

So, Justin just left. Yeah, I know, it's five in the morning. We're official now. =)

I know I said I wasn't eager for anything to happen too quickly. But saying that feels like a long time ago already, and the anticipation started to feel less fun rather than more fun. Plus, he got a new job so he's leaving early next week, which means that working together won't stand in the way. And I suspected that perhaps I wouldn't like my other guy friends until I got things sorted out with Justin, but once that happened we could all be okay again (I hope I'm right). The time seemed opportune.

Yesterday I asked him if he'd want to hang out on our days off, and he said sure. He called today and we tried to make plans (something we're not very good at). I said there was a movie I've heard good things about and asked if he wanted to come over and watch it with me, and then I added that I should cook so he could come for dinner if he wanted.

He came for dinner and a movie. (He showed up early, just as I began putting on makeup, so that aborted that process. So I had no makeup on, and I was wearing my huge break-up hoody, and not looking very glam, haha.) After the movie we talked for like three and a half hours (not realizing that much time had gone by!), and then we stuck in another movie. He put his arm around me and I held his hand and cuddled into him. And then halfway through The Incredibles, he kissed me. "I've been waiting a long time to do that," he said. "Sorry for being so forward..." And I said, "I think we need to have another talk," and "I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into; there's a lot you don't know about me." "I'm willing to learn," he said.

We saved the talk for when the movie was finished. Here's some of how it went: ("I'm in quotation marks," he's in italics.)
~ "So the last time we had a talk, I said I wasn't really interested. But I kinda changed my mind..." (I caught him off guard with that.)
~ "You caught me off guard a couple weeks ago, because you always talked about how you liked being single!" Yeah, I guess I didn't think I was looking, but then the right person appeared before my eyes!
~ "I'm a lot older than you are..." I can't change my age...
~ "I've only vaguely mentioned to you my depression problem." I want to be there for you and help you with that in anyway I can. "I don't want to make it your problem; I just want you to know."
~ "I'm kind of a saving-sex-for-marriage kinda girl, so I'm not going to sleep with you." I respect that.
~ "There's a lot that we don't have in common..." That's what attracts me to you.
~ "I'm not sure if I see this being a long-term thing..." (and he didn't say anything...)
~ "One reason why I don't like relationships is because they usually get all obligation-y, and you feel like you have to act a certain way and do certain things because you're dating. I hope we can avoid that and just act naturally with each other." Yeah, that sounds good, I'm not a fan of conformity.
~ "By the way, I knit." That's cool!

No deal-breakers! So we are girlfriend/boyfriend/dating. And it felt so good and I felt so happy in his arms.

Update for Email

They "updated" the look of my email site. I was apprehensive at first; I generally don't like changes. But it's not all that different, so I guess I'm okay with it. They said the funniest thing in their explanation of some of the changes though:

We've designed Windows Live Hotmail storage to grow with you, but at a reasonable pace. That means you should have plenty of storage unless you suddenly want to store the planet Jupiter on Hotmail, in which case we'll send you a nice e-mail asking you to please not try to store planets on Windows Live Hotmail (although gradual storage of moons and asteroids is ok).

hahaha!

Survey

So I got an email survey from my school today. They wanted me to rate them and myself (for their purposes) now that I have graduated. After asking how important each of their programs are to the school's success, they started asking questions about me in an attempt to compare me to their profile of a graduating student to assess how they are doing. We didn't score so well. I'm not as good a Christian as when I first went back to school. Maybe that's not school's fault; maybe it would have happened anyways. But my perception of my growth in Christian character over the time I was in school and since is not positive.
Here's a sample of some of their statements against which I had to rate myself:
- I view everything I do as purposeful for accomplishing God's plan on earth. Not so much.
- I accept the Bible as God's Word as it informs and guides decisions in all of my activities. Although I accept the Bible as God's Word, it actually doesn't really seem so relevant to all my activities.
- (Under the topic of commitment to spiritual growth) I maintain my own emotional health. Where does that question even come from?! In fact, much of my growth during school stemmed from just the opposite of what they are implying - that careful control can be exerted over emotional health, which is necessary for spiritual growth.
- I attend and am a committed and involved member in a local church; I support the activities of my local church. Sorry guys.
But when they get around to asking, "What would you suggest we do differently or better?" I have no idea what to say.

Developments

So, the Justin thing. Last you heard, we held hands in a movie and then had something of a talk at Denny's where I said "I'm not thinking relationship here," and he said nothing. Then I went away for a week, and we emailed each other almost every day, and he was on my mind a lot.

We hung out again the day after I came home. We went for food with some other people, and then we went to a movie alone. There was no popcorn to throw at each other this time 'cause we were full, but he still tried to tickle my knee muscle, which was an excuse to hold his hand again. And I liked it so much. I laid my head on his shoulder and smiled and felt all warm. And I liked how it wasn't based on obligation - we were doing this because we wanted to, not because we're in a relationship and that's what you do. I was thinking that maybe the holding hands was okay since after last time I told him I don't want a relationship but I think I may have made it sound like I wouldn't mind holding hands anyways. After the movie we went to Starbucks, and then when they closed we sat in my car and talked for a couple hours. Then when we said goodnight and gave each other an awkward car hug ('cause car hugs are always awkward), he tried to kiss me on the cheek! At least I think that's what he was going for - it was unexpected, and it turned out like one of those strange European greetings. I was surprised, and unsettled. Escalating physical contact, when it's not even a relationship! More talks to come, I figured. Except I would rather not be the neurotic girl who constantly needs to talk about "us"...

Trevor tells me that guys are stubborn. That the talks don't really work 'cause the guy just doesn't listen and keeps hoping anyways. And I've realized why they do that. Because it works. On Saturday night I finally realized, or became willing to admit, that I am becoming interested. I think what opened my eyes was going for coffee and a movie with another guy (someone I used to know and was reconnecting with). I just kept wishing it was Justin there instead of this other guy. Then last night I went to a movie with another guy friend of mine, and again I wished I was with Justin. I felt ready to leave by the time the previews were finished. Movies don't seem as fun if I can't hold his hand. And it's not just that - I don't even enjoy their friendship as much anymore. So it turns out that I am willing to be somewhat exclusive. (It does concern me a little, though, that I don't like my other friends as much in comparison.)

So, I'm interested. He's on my mind a lot. Whenever something happens I want to tell him about it. I really like spending time with him, either just the two of us or in a group, and kinda I miss him when he's not around. I'm surprised at how much we can talk. Going to the movies, holding his hand and resting my head on his shoulder is currently like my favorite thing to do.

He's still only twenty. That's four years younger than my little brother. I'm not sure I'd want to tell my family about that. But, there are young twenty-year-olds, and older twenty-year-olds, and he acts more maturely than a lot of other people his age. We relate as peers - he doesn't feel that young. Although the numbers feel like a big deal, it's not a deal-breaker.

I'm not in a hurry. Actually, I think this is the fun part - the possibility and the flattery, before the obligation sets in or anything gets weird and pressure-ful. Plus, I think it would be frowned upon at work because I have a position of some authority over him, and the last thing I want is a talk from a manager about how it is inappropriate. And who knows, maybe we'll just get tired of each other before anything really happens.

There's a lot he doesn't know about me. I've only once flat out mentioned my depression. I don't bring up my relationship with God. He doesn't even know that I knit. So I guess at this stage I need to start making a point of revealing more of who I am. And I need to warn him that I'm not going to sleep with him. I wonder if he expects that, if I'm still the paragon of modesty at work, if that's how he sees me. I wonder how much that will matter. I think that the whole situation will be more of a discussion than a decision, because there's so much potential for deal-breakers to arise.

I don't really see this as a long-term thing, not really marriage material. We have too much not in common. On one hand that makes me wonder if it's even worth getting into, but on the other hand I think it could be fun while it lasts. And if I'm not thinking long-term, then it's more okay if we're not a perfect match. Still, it seems interesting to me that after two and a half years of being single, this is the relationship I'm interested in developing.

I had a talk with Brandon today. We were standing in the office and I had done him a favor.
b> Have you seen Justin?
m> No, I think he no-call-no-showed today.
b> Oh. Have you seen him outside work lately?
m> Not lately.
b> Has he called you?
m> Um, no.
Brandon smiled and shook his head.
I thought, So I guess he's been talking to you! They're friends.
We talked more later. He really wanted to say something, something about Justin, but decided against it. I think it was something like, "He likes you." Instead he just asked where I was at. I told him the truth.

Appreciation

I went out for coffee with Trevor today, and he gave me such a sweet card!

Michelle
So I'm definitely not one of those girls on the cover! I've really enjoyed our friendship + I wanted you to know how greatful I am for it. When we first started talking at work I really felt like you were really caring + I enjoyed talking with you, even about the Jesus Fish cod packaging! I really enjoyed our talks in the lunch room about how both of us came to Christ in different ways, even though it resulted in both of us being late coming back from our breaks. You really made work enjoyable for me + I loved working with you. But I've enjoyed our friendship even more now that I've left. I really appreciated your care package for me and my new life. I'm so glad that we've been able to stay in touch over the last few months and I'm very glad that you've been able to find time for me whenever I come back home! I've really learned a lot from you about work, life, and trusting God. Your prayers and advice have made the transition to university very smooth + you've really helped me in my transition (more of a break up haha!) with Shannon. I have leaned heavily on your advice + friendship + you've always come through for me. Thanks for being so thoughtful with sending those cookies in the mail, that was so great! I really look up to you, and I'm so happy that I can always count on you in a time of need. Thanks so much for always being a friend! (Haha, I feel really bad for not picking a more masculine card!)... I hope this brightens your day the way all of your cards have brightened mine.
God bless you Michelle!
Your friend in Christ,
Trevor.

One thing I appreciate about Trevor is how he makes a point to say thank you for things, to tell me he appreciates me and values my friendship.

Vacation Chronicles

Satur day 1: Key wouldn't work in my apartment door. Got called an "old lady" by the old man in the hardware store. Eventually got on the road to head to Dad's house. Had fish for supper.

Sun day 2: Fantastic (though short) shopping trip with Mom. Thanksgiving dinner with family. Gigantic fire in the turkey fryer that we forgot to shut off. Midnight drive to Mom's place.

Mon day 3: Little to report. Hung out with Mom, then came home. Saw some llamas on the drive! Unpacking, packing, catching up on blogging, emails, and letters.

Tues day 4: Errands. Packing. Hanging out with Justin: pool, a movie, and Denny's.

Wednes day 5: No sleep. Airport. Flying to Ontario! Taking a long nap. Enjoying conversation together.

Thurs day 6: Leisurely morning. Hanging out at McMaster University.

Fri day 7: Went into Toronto! Discount theological bookstore! Peter Katz concert!

Satur day 8: Niagra Falls! Renting a car and driving along the banks, enjoying the autumn colours.

Sun day 9: Relaxation. Baking cookies. Drinking tea.

Mon day 10: Going to school at McMaster! Joining my friend for her classes, learning about research methods, fundamentalism/modernism, and immigration. Dinner with my friend's community.

Tues day 11: Sleeping in and packing up. Going to the mall. Getting my hair cut and straightened! Heading to the airport and flying away. Farewell!

Wednes day 12: Lounging around the house. Not even going to buy milk. Wings and a movie and a Starbucks and a car conversation with Justin.

And then it was back to work!

Relationship Thoughts

Things in theory are different than things in practice. You can make great theories, but when you get close to the real thing, you sometimes see your theories dissolve. Throughout my time of singleness I've done a lot of thinking on relationships. The recent situation with Justin has renewed my perspective, though, and made me realize that a lot of my theoretical ideals don't fly in the real world.

~ I figured that it's not all that important (to me) to expect to marry the person I'm dating. I'd rather go into a relationship without such expectations so I'm more likely to make a fair assessment as we get to know each other of whether we really are well suited for each other. And in the meantime, you just have fun together. But I've been realizing that marriage really is worth thinking about before you begin dating someone, because you will either marry them or break up. And despite my last experience, breaking up isn't always pleasant - and you don't want to cause them pain. Once you start dating, it moves into the "potential for marriage" realm - it's not just filling time and keeping each other company. That's called "just being friends." I still don't think that I have to be sure I'll marry someone before I date them, and it doesn't have to be something we've talked about, but I should be able to see that as a possibility. Because it turns out that I don't know how to do something that's not serious if we're calling it a relationship.

~ Once you start talking about a relationship, it puts funny pressure on things. It has a different flavor than a friendship does - and that's kind of inevitable. It happens even when you think it won't. A boyfriend is different than a friend.

Some new thoughts and theories have come out of this new perspective. (Hopefully they'll still seem true from later points of view!)

~ Marriage (and even relationships) will always be hard, no matter who you're with. It's a choice to make it work, to make it good. But at the same time, that doesn't mean it doesn't matter who you pick. It will be more or less hard depending on how well you fit together. And you need to think about whether what you have with this person is enough to make you willing to put the hard work into making a good relationship.

~ I like building up to friendships/possible relationships. I like the excitement of flirting. I like it when a guy gives me attention because he wants to, not because he is obligated to because I'm his girlfriend. I don't expect the good things about a pre-relationship to actually last into a relationship...

~ Some people are friends who cuddle, friends with (some sort of physical) benefits. Do they just assume that the other person is on the same page and that the physical means nothing? Maybe they've talked it out and are both in agreement (or if they're not, they're willing to say they are. "Yeah, sure I don't 'like' you!"). I generally assume that physical contact means relationshippy things, but maybe that's not a common assumption and I am too eager with my "talks." I just don't want to encourage ideas that aren't true and hopes that aren't founded. I don't want to lead them on. I would like to hold hands without dating them, but I feel like that needs a talk to be okay.

~ That's the thing about asking for advice: your friends can tell you what they think, and what they have done in similar circumstances, but you never really know if that applies to your situation...

~ I have mixed feelings about exclusivity. On one hand, I would feel jealous if Justin was throwing popcorn at another girl, or if Patrick started having someone else over for movies. But I don't think that necessarily means I want to be more than friends with them - I just want to be a little bit special in their lives, and that is what we do together. I can be jealous for my friends. For instance, when two of my female friends started working together this summer I felt a little left out because they had something in common that I wasn't a part of. And while I feel kinda jealous, I don't act on that. It makes me sad, but I understand that friendships do not have a commitment clause.
At the same time, though, I don't want to feel like I have to be exclusive to only one guy. I really value all of my friendships with guys, and I don't want the promotion of one to be the ruin of the others. I guess that strengthening these friendships now, before I am in a relationship, means that they could last even if I got a boyfriend because they were around first. But I guess I also need to wonder whether we are just keeping each other company while we wait for the right one to come along, and if we'll have much left for each other when we're no longer single.

~ I'm nearing the point where if I'm not looking for a life-long relationship, it might not happen. Every other time period of history would already consider me an old maid. I'm starting to understand those desperate people who settle. Not that I'm desperate, just observant.

Relationship dissected: At it's most basic, a relationship seems to be...
Enjoying spending time with someone
+ Seeing a future together
+ A DTR conversation making it official (probably)

Airport Observations

I find it interesting how different airports have different security emphases.
- Every time I flew out of Idaho I saw the sign forbidding any locks on checked baggage, because they would search it all. And as I went through security, they made me take off my shoes each time so they could swab them.
- Leaving Alberta, they were very suspicious of my (plastic) recipe box filled with (paper) Greek vocab cards. My bag went through the x-ray twice, and then they inquired about it. I have also caused difficulties by having a lot of bobby pins in my carry-on here.
- In Ontario, they feel very strongly about having the small approved bottles of liquids/gels in a plastic bag. I read about this, so I already had my mini lotion and two lip glosses in a baggie, but I didn't worry about the one in my pocket. I was waiting for my bag to come through when I nonchalantly pulled my lip gloss out of my pocket and put some on. I heard the security officer say to someone, "Can you grab a bag for that lady's cream?" What? That lady? My lip gloss? "You should have given that to him," she reprimanded me as she gave me a special bag for it. They feel strongly about this!

On the topic of Greek: I haven't touched my vocab since last spring, but out of the three hundred and some words we learned in our first year, there were only 24 I didn't get! Second year vocab didn't go nearly as well, but still I am encouraged to have not forgotten it all.

Fix

Whenever I think about it I really get my thoughts mixed up and it all starts to hurt. I still am very much in love with her... Today I started out so well, I was so trusting in God with breaking up with her and as the day went on I just wished I was with her more and more. I know that it's the right thing to do, to break up. But it just really sucks and I haven't told anyone tonight, but it's really hard right now. I can't believe that it's only been a week =(

I wish I could fix your pain.
I wish I could help.
I wish I could make it better.

But really, what can anyone do in the face of someone else's pain?
Listen.
Be there.

Pray.
...God, comfort.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard night missing her. I wish I could make it easier for you. If I was there I would give you a big hug and we could go for ice cream and watch a movie. :0) But being far away, I will pray for you, praying that God will comfort you and show you his presence and love. He is near, and he cares.
You are fantastic. I'm glad you had something worth missing. And thanks for telling me it was hard today. Vulnerability is good, and I'm praying for you.

Approaching the Airport

I left finding a ride to the airport until the last minute. My flight left at 7:00 AM, and it seemed like all my friends are either not morning people or are already at work by that time. Some guys at work wanted to hang out, and the plans that one of them suggested would end us up near the airport so I though I could maybe just ask them to drop me off there when we were done hanging out. I figured I would just get there super super early. But then I ran into a friend who lives near me and works with WestJet, and he was going to work at the time when I needed to be at the airport, so he offered me a ride. That was sweet of him, and he was going that way anyways, so I took him up on it. Thanks for the ride, Friend.

He didn't just give me a ride, he waited while I was ten minutes late because I'd left my phone on silent and didn't realize he was downstairs waiting for me. He brought me coffee! He carried my bag for me, and saw me right to the proper line-up. I appreciated these kindnesses.

We don't see each other much anymore, so it was neat to have an opportunity to reconnect on the drive. The convesation took an interesting turn as we merged onto the highway, though. I asked about his girlfriend, and her meeting his family. He said they really liked her, and I interjected, "What's not to like?" He agreed, and then he said, "You're like that too. Everyone would like you." Wait - - comparing me to the girlfriend, when nothing in the context called for it?! I'm not sure what to think about that. It's probably nothing; he's probably just being complimentary. I guess that's the best thing to assume.

A Talk

Justin and I tried to plan a hanging-out extravaganza with coworkers last night - but no one else came! That was alright, we had a good time, and things turned out differently than they would have if other people had been there.

First we went and played pool. I sunk the 8 ball in half the games, haha. Then we went to a late movie, thinking that other people could join us after work, but alas they did not. It was just the two of us. During the movie we spent a lot of time throwing popcorn at each other. Then he put his arm around me (to throw popcorn at me from both sides - but he left it there). Then he tried to tickle me, so I basically had to hold his hand so that I wouldn't get tickled. So we held hands for probably half the movie, his arm around my shoulder. And it was nice. But... I'm not looking for a relationship here, so with the advent of such flirty touch, I figured we'd better have a talk.

We went to Denny's. We hung out at Denny's until 4:00! (I had told him I probably wasn't sleeping that night because I had to get to the airport early.) We talked about all sorts of stuff. Eventually I brought it up: "Hey, remember how a few weeks ago I told you about Punky Mullet Guy and how I liked holding his hand but how that means 'relationship' to me, and how I figured he and I might need to have a talk? Well, although I liked holding your hand back at the movie theatre, it reminded me of that, so maybe we need to have a talk." He didn't really say anything. I continued, though I wasn't quite sure where to take it next. I remember saying that I like attention and I like touch, but I'm not thinking relationship. And he still didn't really say anything! When I anticipated having this talk tonight, I didn't think it would turn out any other way than us both saying, "Of course I don't want anything more than friendship!" He always talks about not wanting a girlfriend. But his silence was perhaps a little telling? I did ask whether the reason he tried to tickle me was so that I would have to hold his hand in self-protection, and he answered, "maybe." I didn't want to press him further into stating where he's at because it can be embarrassing to admit feelings and such, especially when I've already said I'm not interested. We soon began talking about other things, but I feel a little unsatisfied about the talk. Although I've said, "I don't want a relationship," we didn't clarify what the friendship can look like. I like his arm around me. But I wonder if it's okay to enjoy the attention if I'm not interested in the more it may represent.

In the aftermath, I find myself wondering what's so bad about a relationship, and what's so bad about a relationship with Justin. Well, he's only twenty, and that is so young, too young. And he thinks religion is fabricated, which means that much of what is important to me isn't welcome in our conversation because he sees things through different eyes. Plus, if we call it a relationship, he's probably not going to be satisfied with holding hands.

Thanksgiving

Event

I had a good Thanksgiving. It was nice to go up and see my family - I'm glad I placed my vacation at this time. We had some good conversations and fun times.

My Mom came up early and she and I went on a shopping trip to a store that we love but that hasn't been in our province until now. It was fantastic - just as good as I thought it would be. I've often said that when this store comes here I probably won't buy as much there because it won't be a novelty anymore and I won't need to stock up, but it seems that it is still a novelty to me, because I still bought a lot.

I enjoy my brother. Dave and I made up a pie song. It goes like this: Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie, pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie. And it's to the tune of Dueling Banjos. It's pretty fantastic. And it could become a dual purpose song if we changed the words to: Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi, three point one four one five nine two six!

I had a good talk with my aunt in the afternoon before the family dinner. She retroactively invited me along to events already gone by: last Easter, and summer vacation. Although the invitations aren't really useful five/two months after the fact, I was still touched to be included in the memories. To know that they want to have me around.

It's cool to see my cousin grow up. Of course, they're all growing up, but particularly the next-oldest girl, Lisa. She's 16 now, and more of an adult than a kid. She's beautiful and stylish and confident and smart, and so much cooler than I was at that age. I like her.

Patricia and I knitted together. She's 8 now, and for the last few years she's been fascinated with the projects I've been working on at family gatherings. This is the first time she's had a project of her own: she made a scarf for her Webkinz elephant Trunky. It turned out like a first project. Then she started on a blanket for Trunky, and she articulated to me that she wanted to make these things for her stuffed animal because "Trunky is super special to me. She always makes me feel safe, even though I know she's not real."

The youngest cousin, Corey, was set on beating up my brother and had a running tickle war going with me. He's only six and he's tiny for his age, so it was more amusing than successful. But out of his battle with Dave, Corey gave us the best quote of the night: "You're cracking me like an egg nut!" It was hilarious.

"Who wants to say grace," they asked as we all sat down to eat. "Michelle?" I felt really put on the spot, but I didn't see any gracious way to get out of it without putting someone else on the spot. And although I enjoyed the time with my family, I'm not prepared to actually be honest with them about how things are beneath the surface. So I said grace.

********

Thankful

Thankfulness feels obligatory when there is a holiday named after it. It feels like I ought to articulate what I'm thankful for, because it's Thanksgiving. I guess that's okay. Except I don't feel thankful, and I don't feel like I can make myself feel thankful. Thankfulness seems to be akin to wholeness to me, and since I don't have that, I can't do that...

l'action de grace
action of grace?
gracias?

I imagine it's traditionally been a harvest celebration. We're kind of removed from that these days, or at least I am. I'm a city girl who gets paid every two weeks; I don't personally depend on a good harvest, the payoff of an entire spring and summer of labour, to get me through the winter. What did they do with Thanksgiving when it was a bad harvest, when it wasn't enough? Reminds me of a Garth Brooks song (it's really more of a January song, but it's on my mind now):

Not everyone makes it. Charlie Barton and his family had too many poor harvests and lost the farm. What was Thanksgiving for them?

I guess it's about finding things to be thankful for, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Being thankful for life, and seeing bounty even in poverty.

********

Thanking

When we thank or praise God for anything, it seems that beneath the simple "thank you for..." we are actually saying two things:
1) this is good
2) this is from God
But those are both claims that I am really quite uncertain about in most situations. It is hard to recognize what is truly good, and I don't think it is appropriate to say that everything is from God. For instance, I can thank God for giving me a particular friend when in reality that friend is distracting me from God and not really given by him. Maybe it's like telling someone we care about that they can help themselves to any food we have, and they come back to us and say, "Thanks so much for that bottle of poison! I really appreciate it!" And we say, "No!... That's not good! That's not what I was trying to give you!"
So oftentimes, it's not appropriate to thank God? When we start saying "thank you," what we really mean is "I like this. It pleases me." Sometimes I say that instead. And since I don't know whether a particular thing is good, I hesitate to say thank you.

Credits: Steve Howard; YouTube; Garth Brooks, "Wolves"

Ultimatum?

If I have a miserable time in Ontario, maybe I will come home and start taking antidepressants again. I've been thinking of this over the last few months. Not this timing, but this step. Live is probably meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. And people should be able to have good vacations. If this goes miserably, it's a sign to me that my emotional health should be addressed. But still, I'm second guessing myself. Things aren't that bad right now. And it's not like antidepressants worked very well for me last time. And taking means getting them, getting a prescription, going to a walk-in doctor. Really? Will I really do this?

I guess I should define what a "miserable" holiday time would look like. A feeling of purposelessness. Social paralyzation and a feeling of needing to hide from my friend. Cratering self esteem. Suicidal thoughts. This isn't what I expect - it probably won't actually be that bad. It'll probably be mediocre, so I won't have to do anything.

Five years ago I made a similar ultimatum: if I couldn't make myself happy through Happiness Month, then I would seek the help of medication. Happiness Month was a dismal failure, so went to the doctor and got a prescription. That was hard, and I felt so uncertain. This was a step I felt like I had been trying not to take for three years already, and it felt like failure at the time. I remember my second day on antidepressants, after a sleepless night, when Wayne asked me what was going on and I cried at the door. Eventually I switched "flavors," and I didn't feel like they were making very much of a difference. I was on them for about a year, and then I decided to come off of them since my benefits were changing and I didn't feel like I had the money - plus they didn't seem to be working anyway. But I noticed when I stopped taking them that I became more aware that I wasn't okay: whereas before when people asked how I was I could easily say, "I'm fine! How are you," I now felt uncertain and unable to so easily focus on the other person. Plus, I came off a little too fast and everything was pretty spinney for a week or so!

What do I expect from antidepressants? A little help, I guess. I don't expect a magic happy solution. I guess I hope for a reduction in the social anxiety. The emotional energy to care about people well. A sense of a crack in the wall I see between me and God.

I guess we'll see what happens!

Lock Woes

Unfortunate things always seem to happen to me on the Thanksgiving weekend that interrupt my efforts to leave town and see my family.

Last year my car wouldn't hold coolant. When it overheated again the day after I refilled it I figured I couldn't trust it to a six hour trip, and I called my Dad to tell him I wasn't coming (at the last minute). I was sad to have to do that because I think Thanksgiving is the time for family, not the time to be stuck at home alone. But then my Dad came to see me, so that was kinda cool. But it left me cooking a Thanksgiving dinner. We had chicken.

This year the problem was that my door wouldn't lock. I went to leave the house this morning and my key wouldn't turn in the lock. Neither would the spare key. Not even after WD-40. Eventually me an the hardware store got it figured out, but it made me late for breakfast and set my travelling plans back about two and a half hours.

When I discovered the problem, I called those in charge of my apartment complex. There was no answer at the office number, which didn't surprise me, so I called the emergency number. Although this wasn't exactly an emergency, I needed it fixed right away so I could leave! But the emergency number only yielded a busy signal - for three hours! And that really frustrated me. One reason why I rent instead of buying a place is that I am no good at these kind of things, and I don't want to have to be responsible for them. At the same time, though, I do try to be low maintenance. I've never called them before. And not getting through tells me to never call again. And what if I had actually had an emergency - something that was causing more damage the longer it continued, like a pipe breaking or the dishwasher flooding or something? What if I couldn't take care of it myself?

Remembered

When I went to the choir concert last week, I put a cheque in the offering plate. Today I got a tax receipt in the mail, along with a letter of thanks. That was nice - but what was really awesome was the personal note the school's president wrote on the bottom:

Michelle,
Thank you so much for your gift. We miss you around here - but wish God's blessings on you as you chase His future!!
Kerry

I was really touched - that he took the time to read the names, remember the people they stand for, and write a greeting. It made me feel special.

Not Mine

I really struggle with not accepting things that are not meant for me.

A classic example from three-ish years ago: "Mind your own goddamn business." My manager said this at me one day at work when I inquired about someone else's break. This person had asked me to check on it, and I guess the manager meant to direct her comment towards the person who wanted their break. But she didn't specify that, she spoke in the second person, and I was the one standing there. I turned abruptly and headed to the bathroom to cry. She followed me to apologize, to clarify. It hardly mattered. I sobbed, even before I reached the safety of a stall, and prayed, "What do I do with this? How do I not accept what was not even intended for me?"

A recent example from this week: "Sorry, this user does not list you as a friend, and they've set the 'friends only' option for who can reply to their journal." This was the error message I received when I tried to post a comment on a friend's blog. I feel like it says, "You are not friends," which is unfortunately tempting to believe since we are in what I guess is a "growing pains" phase of the friendship. But I know that's not what she wants to convey. Her blog is private so no one reads it (so being offered a post was a great honor), so no one comments, so no one is listed as an approved friend. And error messages from the internet aren't really personal missives. But...

How do I take what was personally meant, instead of what was said impersonally?

Non-Church and Double Feature

The alarm rang this morning and I did not want to get up. So I didn't. I didn't call Nick and he didn't call me and we didn't go to church.

I woke up around the time church was starting and thought about how maybe I should have gotten up earlier and gone. And then I thought about how I could maybe still go to another church with a later service, but I decided against it. Instead I stayed home and tried to do some laundry, shaved my legs, made cookies, and did some writing. I planned to get all sorts of stuff done, but the day kinda escaped without me.

Tonight was busy though. I went to a concert for the choir I'd been in for the last three years. It was weird sitting in the audience instead of being on the risers. It's more fun to be up there. Seeing all these people again made me remember the good times of being in choir. But I also remembered the hard times. I don't think I'd say I miss it. But I still feel a little like I'm part of the group, like this is still my thing. Instead of singing second soprano, my role is now to support them by going and listening.

It was cool to be back among the school people, albeit briefly. To remember these acquaintances. To continue to exist for them. To get walk-by hugs from people who couldn't resist although they saw you were in the middle of a conversation with someone else. To say and hear, "We really should get together soon!" and to hope it happens.

There was also a work party happening tonight. I went after the concert and the mingling, only to find the last two people leaving. But that was okay because Justin and I had made plans to play pool there, so I called him up and he came down and we had a good time. When we finished and left we stood in the parking lot briefly and then he suggested going for coffee, so we went to Denny's and spent a couple hours there. It was nothing outstanding, it was just really cool to be able to do that, to be able to find that much to talk about. I enjoy this friendship with Justin.