If we engage in too much physical exertion, we will become physically exhausted. If we are involved in too many emotionally draining situations, we will become emotionally exhausted. And if we have an excess of spiritual experiences in a short time, we can find ourselves spiritually exhausted.
It makes sense, doesn't it. But it's not a fun idea. I remember my spiritual life in high school and how I just wanted as much as time could hold - as much worship, as much prayer, as much reading, as much experience of God as I could get. Maybe this was spiritual gluttony, as "spiritual sweet tooth." It can't last, and it didn't.
Today was Day of Prayer at school. It started at 9:00 AM and went 'til a little after 3:00. I planned to attend the whole thing, but I slept in and didn't get there until 12:30. I had wondered about how I would fare after a whole day of spiritual exercize, and it turned out that I felt spiritually listless and exhausted after only the few hours of prayer and worship that I attended.
It must be considered that the healthy have more stamina than the sick, and can go for so much longer before that exhaustion hits them. Maybe that explains why I became drained so quickly. My soul just feels sick. And when you are empty and have little strength to begin with, action can quickly take it all.
O God, come and heal me, that I might have the spiritual energy to seek and love Thee.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Monday, March 6, 2006
Losing Another Friend
My friend Ingrid called me tonight. Ingrid is the sweetest thing ever. We were roommates for a while, we worked together, and for a time we were great friends. I got to see her come to know Christ and grow in Him, and her faith is admirable to me. And she looks up to me greatly, considering me to be a great strength and encouragement in her life.
But now it's been a long time since we have talked, a couple of months. She has really missed me, and calls it "Michelle-withdrawal." For me, though, this time has made me feel such cool distance between us. I feel like this is marking the gradual death of our friendship. I think that part of the problem is that I am doing terrible right now. I am not willing to share much about that, but it leaves little that is good to talk about. I am reluctant to share as it is right now, but I especially hesitated dumping it on her because I know how much she looks up to me. I don't know if she can handle my doubts and problems. I know that she loves me to bits and would want to be supportive, but I don't know if I can even handle trying to be that open. I don't think I can even try.
Unfortunately, this seems to be a pattern in my life. I have effectively lost all my friends from high school (finishing with Sis this summer and Christmas, when she was in at home and I didn't see her). I just cannot answer when then ask "how are you?" because it is all so grim, and the idea of such a friendship repulses me. Right now I see more clearly that I am also at the point where I can't handle continuing very many long distance friendships. The only one that I am able to keep is Jay, because what we have between us has gone deeper than what we continually put into it - and I am so grateful for that. And the others I can maintain for a while, but eventually they slide. I see this in my girls (Lifegroup) - about this time last year I had to cut myself off from them because I couldn't handle it. Now I miss them, and it is hard thinking about how they are graduating this year and I am no longer in their lives to rejoice with them. I wonder about their perspective on us - I know (or I think I know) they think I was a great blessing to them, but they have no idea as to the reasons why I don't see or talk to them - they are totally in the dark. I wish it wasn't that way. But I can't make it any different. And I don't feel like I can stop what I see happening between me and Ingrid.
I hope that my healing will embrace this aspect of my life too when it comes. But what if it doesn't? Doesn't come? Doesn't fix my distancing friendships?
I got a paper back from Barry today, a book report on The Healing Presence. In comment, he wrote: Dear Michelle, You write with keen insight. Thanks for your honesty and I'll keep praying that your longing will continue, and that the Lord would continue to use you - as he does so now powerfully. Here's one of my key life verses: Le soir arrive les pleurs; le matin la jubilation. Your "matin de jubilation" is coming... Barry
But now it's been a long time since we have talked, a couple of months. She has really missed me, and calls it "Michelle-withdrawal." For me, though, this time has made me feel such cool distance between us. I feel like this is marking the gradual death of our friendship. I think that part of the problem is that I am doing terrible right now. I am not willing to share much about that, but it leaves little that is good to talk about. I am reluctant to share as it is right now, but I especially hesitated dumping it on her because I know how much she looks up to me. I don't know if she can handle my doubts and problems. I know that she loves me to bits and would want to be supportive, but I don't know if I can even handle trying to be that open. I don't think I can even try.
Unfortunately, this seems to be a pattern in my life. I have effectively lost all my friends from high school (finishing with Sis this summer and Christmas, when she was in at home and I didn't see her). I just cannot answer when then ask "how are you?" because it is all so grim, and the idea of such a friendship repulses me. Right now I see more clearly that I am also at the point where I can't handle continuing very many long distance friendships. The only one that I am able to keep is Jay, because what we have between us has gone deeper than what we continually put into it - and I am so grateful for that. And the others I can maintain for a while, but eventually they slide. I see this in my girls (Lifegroup) - about this time last year I had to cut myself off from them because I couldn't handle it. Now I miss them, and it is hard thinking about how they are graduating this year and I am no longer in their lives to rejoice with them. I wonder about their perspective on us - I know (or I think I know) they think I was a great blessing to them, but they have no idea as to the reasons why I don't see or talk to them - they are totally in the dark. I wish it wasn't that way. But I can't make it any different. And I don't feel like I can stop what I see happening between me and Ingrid.
I hope that my healing will embrace this aspect of my life too when it comes. But what if it doesn't? Doesn't come? Doesn't fix my distancing friendships?
I got a paper back from Barry today, a book report on The Healing Presence. In comment, he wrote: Dear Michelle, You write with keen insight. Thanks for your honesty and I'll keep praying that your longing will continue, and that the Lord would continue to use you - as he does so now powerfully. Here's one of my key life verses: Le soir arrive les pleurs; le matin la jubilation. Your "matin de jubilation" is coming... Barry
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