"With You"

This song came on the radio as I was driving to work today.
I didn't really listen to the first half of it. I was busy thinking, "didn't they just play Third Day?"
I tuned in around the chorus. Just to be with you, I'd do anything. "Ah," I though, "another 'I love Jesus my boyfriend' song. 'I'd do anything to be with Jesus...'" (I've become critical... and I'm sorry.)
Then the second verse started. Our grandiose exclamations of love are silly. But then -- I never swam the deepest ocean, but I walked upon the raging sea.
It's not "I want to be with you, Jesus," it's "I want to be with you, Michelle." Just to be with you I'd do anything. Just to be with you I gave everything.
And I just started to cry.

I believe in God the Father Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
was born of the Virgin Mary,
(walked upon the water to his disciples),
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven,
where he sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty
and from whence he will come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body
and the life everlasting.

Nostalgia

I shopped at my favorite grocery store yesterday. I like it because when you walk in it kinda feels like an open air market, and it's open late. It used to be so close to my house; now the nearest one is an hour and a half away from me. Revisiting this grocery store reminded me of the time of my life when I shopped there regularly. It was brand new back then. I once stopped in there after work to buy polysporin. Another time I found bulk cherry pie filling there and I made Megan a pie. I bought watermelon there to bring to Inid's potluck wedding. They used to have an easy "donate money to the food bank" option. The warehouse-pack aisle feels especially like home to me. Memories. The past is always a little bittersweet.

Today we went to the store where I used to work. That was really strange. Lots of things are just a little bit different than the one I'm at now, and it just felt really foreign to me (even though I spent more time working there than I have where I am now). Plus, around every corner I kept expecting to see the people I currently work with. The experience showed me that the store I'm at now has become home to me.

Singleness?

Today is my two year single-versary. My last relationship ended two years ago. It ended badly so I learned to associate relationships with nausea and I've loved singleness. But I think I'm beginning to move on.

This has been a recent development. You see, Katie got a boyfriend and now I think I might want one too.

The other day he was visiting her at work and bringing her lunch, and I saw them and something in me said, "I want that." But, I'm not sure exactly what it is that I think I want. The attention? Maybe - I do like attention. But I don't know if I actually want that much attention from someone. There are other aspects of Katie's new relationship that I don't know that I really want either - for instance, she has hardly been home since she started dating him. I know I value my space so that would drive me crazy. I think I see that Katie is happy, and maybe that is what I am drawn to. "I want to be happy."

The thing is, I'm getting tired of being alone and I'm not okay when I'm alone too much. And it is so much work for me to make social plans. Once upon a time I was mentioning this to Justin at work and he suggested that if I had a boyfriend, that would help solve my problem of spending too much time at home alone. I think he's right.

But... I'm not sure that anyone I know would be good for me or would have me.

The more I define myself, the more I define the kind of person that I would match well with. For instance, I have a college degree now. That shows that academics and intelligence are important to me, and (for instance) a high school drop-out is not my best choice. I may consider pursuing a master's, and I would want someone who would fully support me if I made that decision (if they were still around). But I might not do that, and my lack of drivenness needs to be okay too.

My spiritual life is in a tricky place and I would be hard pressed to find someone who would understand. I'm a Christian who doesn't say she loves God, doesn't go to church, and is just trying to hang on through the doubts. I'd need someone who is some degree of Christian, who's not fanatical, and who doesn't judge me for where I am. Moreover, I feel like the spiritual disposition of the person I intend a future with affects the trajectory of my own.

My emotional stability isn't stellar, and I've never known how to bring that into a relationship in an honest and healthy way. Even though some people seem to do it, I've also heard that healthy relationships are made out of healthy people and that's been my experience (even though I tried to deny it). I don't know how to let someone be there when I'm not okay. I don't know what kind of response I want from them. Of course sympathetic support sounds great, but sometimes that makes me feel smothered and held down at the same time that I feel pressured by them to be okay. Also, I don't know how to not carry someone else's baggage, so when they aren't well that sends me on a downspin.

So since I know I'm crazy, I can't highly recommend myself as a girlfriend. Therefore I don't feel like dating me would be a good thing for the guys I care about, since I wouldn't want to hurt them. That only leaves me with guys I don't care so much about...

So, now that I've exchanged the school setting for the work setting, I'm no longer in a world where we all say that saving sex for marriage is the ideal. I think the world that I live in now considers sex a right of dating. If I become someone's girlfriend, they are probably going to think that that means they get physical privileges - especially if I am avoiding fanatical Christians...

Katie's boyfriend has a roommate. We all hung out together once, and that could happen again. He's the one who danced with me a lot at the Christmas party. He's a little slimy, but he's got a great smile. And he surprised me by dating someone else who has similar values to me. Maybe he's not who I expect him to be.

A sort of Christian who would probably be willing to wait for sex, who understood my issues through some of his own and was supportive without being burdening, who told me he cared, and who (they say) loved me. Shane, I miss you. And I wonder...

Celebrations

Sometimes it doesn't all go wrong, and I find things to celebrate!
- On Tues Jody bandaged up my cut finger, Jeff cared that I was having a bad day and offered me a hug, and they pulled Anson to help me.
- My finger is healing pretty well. The cheese slicer is going in the garbage.
- I have some pretty superb bandaids.
- My finger is a good enough excuse not to do the dishes today.
- I mowed Mom's lawn yesterday and I feel good about that.
- I got to see a friend today and play with her baby. She sacrificed to see me, and I appreciate that.
- My landlords are offering to renew my lease.
- I wrote an email I've been meaning to write for a while.
- I made banana cake in time to take it to share at work for Kurt's birthday.

Success is still in the future for...
a calling Telus
a calling Visa
a cleaning my house
a unpacking my car

Tired

I am so tired. And it's not just that I'm not getting enough sleep or that I'm extra busy. I don't know what it is. Or maybe I do. It's really really hard to get up in the "morning," and then all day long my head feels foggy and I feel like I would like nothing more than to go back to sleep. (But then I finally feel better in the evening when I am home, so I don't end up getting to bed early.) Being tired makes me grumpy though, and I've been in a bad mood for no good reason a lot at work lately. Little things have been making me mad. I often find work a nice distraction, but lately it's taken like four hours for that to kick in.

I am considering going on antidepressants again. Not that they worked all that well the first time (about four years ago), but I figure that life should probably be enjoyed and not just endured... But really, even if I decide that this would be a good thing to do, it's unlikely that I will actually make it happen because medication requires doctors, and there isn't much that's worth the hassle of doctors when your only option is a walk-in clinic.

Happy Summer

It's summertime now! Happy Solstice!

My favorite part of the 'summer' is already coming to an end, even though the official season has only just started - the part with no bugs. So I guess what I like is spring time, when the weather is becoming pleasant but the bugs haven't come out yet. After this the days are getting shorter and the bugs are ruining the outside.

The mascara for summer is Maybelline Great Lash. The best feature about this mascara is the brightly colored tube. Yay pink and green!

Update: I'm not such a fan. I don't think it was like this last time I used it, but it takes forever to dry so I basically have to wipe it off of the end of my lashes or else it gives me a line of black spots under my eyebrows. Plus, it's not waterproof at all so it smudges a lot and it totally runs if it gets wet. And somehow it's still really hard to get off at the end of the day... I hope the summer goes quickly so I can start a new mascara!

Babylon

I've been reading Jeremiah lately (yay me). It's been foreshadowing the exile a lot. Yesterday I came across this:

Wherever I banish them, all the survivors of this evil nation will prefer death to life, declares the Lord Almighty. (Jeremiah 8:3)

Prefer death to life...
I don't really expect things like this to come up in the Bible.
Did God make this happen, an intended part of the exile, or is it merely an observation of what would occur? Does God want people to be suicidal?
Is God different now than in the Old Testament? Don't we say that the Old Testament has enduring value because it shows us God's character?
We talk about how God would never do awful things to us, but the exile was pretty awful. Possibly deserved, but horrible nonetheless. Sometimes God doesn't save.

I was thinking about this as I drove to work, and suddenly I realized that this hits me in more than one way. Many years ago I had the sense that this time of darkness was an exile, was Babylon. It is an imperfect analogy, but it is one picture interpreting my circumstances. I am in exile in Babylon, where I relate to preferring death to life.

I think that doing good things should make me feel good. Reading the Bible in the morning when I wake up should increase my wellbeing, not my despair.

By the waters of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion. (Psalm 137:1)

Notes on He's Just Not That Into You

I like reading books that are about problems I don't think I have. They can't disappoint me. When I hope that a book will speak to an issue in my life and then it doesn't address my concerns, I feel frustrated. It's nice to just hear what they have to say without having to apply it personally to my situation. I like just learning.

He's Just Not That Into You was sitting on my Mom's bookshelf, so I picked it up last night. It has some good stuff to say. It also says some questionable stuff (in my opinion). But overall I felt like it was worth reading.

As the title suggests, the authors are saying that if a guy doesn't seem completely interested in you, that's probably because he's not. They see this frank message as freeing: once you realize this you are free to let go of the mediocre relationship and find something better. Don't settle, they are saying.

The message is essentially: Respect yourself. Respect yourself enough that you won't let people (guys) treat you badly. It's a big self-esteem booster - they say things like "You're fantastic" and "You're too busy and popular for that" and "You're worth a good relationship." I like that message; I think it's valuable. It's empowering. They also note that the more you value yourself, the more likely it is that you will find a great relationship.

They also make the point (right at the end) that when we allow someone to treat us a certain way, it tells them that that is an appropriate way to treat people. If we insist on being treated well, it will teach them to treat others well also. Good point.

The style of the book kind of involves a dialogue between the two authors, and this makes for a really neat tone. One can bring up the questions and concerns and hard realities, and the other responds in a way that is palatable and doesn't just sound like canned advice. And they critique their own advice, anticipating our objections and rationalizations. Near the end they acknowledge their running assumption that you will find the perfect man as one of the authors points out that this is not guaranteed. The other author agrees, but says he has found that he must live with the belief that his life will turn out well. "I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready." I thought that last bit was so beautiful.

They live in a different dating world than I do, though. Chapter 4 is all about how "he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you." It makes me nervous that that's how they define dating and a healthy relationship. Is all of non-Christian culture like that? They also describe the love relationships portrayed in movies as the ideal, whereas I've always heard them critiqued as fantasy.

Notes on Hulk

Yay, superhero movies.

Thinking about love and commitment and long-term... Maybe sometimes it works. Maybe sometimes you can actually love someone enough that it doesn't matter that you haven't seen them in five years and that they have become the Incredible Hulk in the meantime. That doesn't repulse or scare you because you just love them. You would risk your stability to help them. Of course, she didn't have to. They weren't married and she had moved on with her life. Sometimes it's easier when you're not obligated to love someone, but you're free to do it by choice.

Thanks for letting me tag along tonight, Katie and Aaron. I appreciated that.

Commitment

Once upon a time a friend and I were talking about his interest in Catholicism. He is attending a Catholic church, and he loves it. He has thought about officially converting, but he still has some hesitations. There seems to be little room for personal opinion or "your own flavor of belief" in Catholicism; you are obligated as a Catholic to hold the one official belief of the Church. It's not okay to disagree on points. (I feel like for Protestants there is such a variety of doctrine among the different streams that there's plenty of room for a difference of belief while still remaining a Christian.) In addition, becoming Catholic means committing yourself not only to believe all the previously asserted dogmas, but also to believe anything else they might declare to be the Church's official position in the future. So you don't exactly know all that you're getting yourself into.
Sounds like a lot of trust to me.

I feel like marriage is like that. One day you promise to spend forever with one person, without knowing who they will be in the future. You promise to love someone forever, regardless of who they become. And changes are inevitable. What is worse, they are not the only ones who are changing - you yourself are changing too. The person you are today is committing the person you are in the future to whoever the other person turns out to be in the future.
Sounds risky to me.

Potholes on a Path of Prayer

My friend is not well.
Jesus, help him?
Wait - do I mean "help him" as in "just make it better," or do I mean "give him yourself"?
Well... I can't ask you to impersonally improve things for him and then back off, like a fairy godmother.
But I'm not sure that he wants you.
And based on my experience, I can't assert that having you is clearly a good thing. It doesn't seem to make things better.
It's hard to ask more for them than what you give me. You teach me who you are by who you are to me. And I don't think I wish that for them.
Makes prayer hard.
I'm sorry.
Jesus, help me?

Notes on Zohan

Adam Sandler. Funny. Some redeeming qualities. Some un-redeeming qualities. I liked the idea of an Israeli counter-terrorist who really just wants to come to America and be a hairdresser. But... everyone's dreams are so small. Is that all there is for them?
I really liked the accents. "I'm Haugh-stralian, and... Mount Everest."

I didn't like how sex was portrayed in this movie. It was nearly meaningless - just physical pleasure and an ego boost, nothing more. Just a bonus included with a haircut, with no moral implications. I imagine that it must be more than that.

Note to Self

If you don't want to start fires, don't try to clean off the candle jar with a kleenex while the candle is still burning. When the kleenex catches on fire, don't wave it around. And seriously, don't use the box of matches to try to put out the fire.

This could have gone much worse.
Lesson learned!

P.S. Two o'clock in the morning is a good time for sleeping!

Notes on Caspian

Scene That Touched Me Most: The moment when the gate is dropped, and not everyone has made it out. The face of the centaur, only one of the many trapped in enemy territory. Understanding resignation? Perhaps, "I accept my fate." Turning to continue fighting the enemy until certain death. Sacrifice. Giving one's life.

Theme That Touched Me Most: Contemplative When I think of this quality, I think of two facets: sitting in silence, and love. Lucy shows me this most clearly. She often sits meditating on the picture of Aslan. She looks for him. She expects him. She loves him. She's not too focused on herself, and others are there to focus on the practical details.
As a result Lucy is given special privileges. She alone sits atop the Stone Table while the others are circled about the room. She is the only one Aslan reveals himself to at the beginning, and she finds him at the end. While others bow before him, she stands beside him. She can come the nearest and presume the most with Aslan.
She still asks, "Why didn't you come and help?" But she never despairs or loses faith.
He is her joy.
I also noticed the moments when other characters struggled with Aslan's absence. Wanting to see, but also feeling the need to act. Called to purposes other than simple loving contemplation. Trying to fight well for the good, even without direction.

Thoughts on "Quitter" and Work Friends

I am often not okay with it when people I care about leave. And I express a little bit of that to them. (When Scott quit, I wrote him a card with, like, seven frowny faces in it.) And I guess that tells them that I care and that they meant something to me. But it's not exactly a life-giving sentiment. I don't actually want to make them feel guilty for leaving - ideally I would like to celebrate them and give them strength as they go. I'm not sure how to do that, how to feel that.

In an email, a friend commented to me,

it occurs to me that so many of your blog posts are about people leaving. it must be hard, especially since, as you say, your workplace has such high turnover. the fact that you keep investing in those work relationships is so neat, though. it might be tempting not to, but you seem to anyway. that's really beautiful, you know? even if the investment can't extend beyond the workplace, it's cool that you continue to be open to new work friends.

I'm not as good at that as I used to be. But I almost can't not care. Work is so much of my life, and so I need to live there and I need to care about people who share that realm with me. (Thanks for the encouragement, Friend.)

I notice myself being possessive of the people in my life. I refer to "my Trevor," for instance. And that's probably just kind of cute when he's my packer - a shortened form of "my partner Trevor." But I imagine it's not okay in a more general context. He's not mine. He's my friend, but he's not mine more than anyone else's and therefore not "mine." I shouldn't read possession out of friendship.

i'm so tired of living for
the kind of love that only comes and goes
but your love, your love
lasts forever

Jesus, I cling tightly to them because I feel like I don't have you, and I need something. Please, give me yourself, so that I can love them in a healthy way. I can't make it happen myself.

Middle of the Night

3:00 AM
Trevor text messages me with an important prayer request.
I'm honored. And I was still up anyway.

Grad night. A time for celebration.
His sister's boyfriend's mom collapses and goes into the hospital.
"Brutal. Scary."
Way to put a damper on things.

....Are my prayers of any value?

At least I have prayer beads and a candle, even if I have no words or concentration?
Can my wakefulness be a prayer?
Is worrying the same as praying?

I don't want to have to tell Trevor I don't go to church. Is that a good reason to start going to church?
He trusts me. He trusts my faith. I don't want to disappoint him.

Lying about church

So today at work I had a friendly customer come through, and after the "Hi, how are you today" questions, he asked me, "So, what church are you going to now?" And I said, "Um, I've been involved with Centre Street," while trying to figure out how he knew me. His wife wondered the same thing and asked him how he knew to bring that up, and he credited divine inspiration - the Lord showed him. And I thought it was ironic that I pretty much flat out lied to him.

Not sure what to think about this.

I'm not proud of lying. But I don't feel the need to be honest when strangers ask me questions that may be innocent but for me are deeply personal and laden with baggage. I don't regret the lie in this situation (although I have in some other situations where I've lied about church).

I'm not proud of not going to church. But I feel like right now I can't. I know that I had hoped to find a church to be involved with by the time I finished school and lost that religious outlet, but my efforts to do so made me too miserable and so for now I have given up.

God, were you trying to say something here? Or was it just him talking?
I'm not really in the mood for guilt.

Quitter

JayCee is quitting. He got another job. Sad. He's one of my favorites and I don't want him to leave. Things are always better when he is around - it gives me a feeling of peace to see him. I've always felt an attraction to him and we seem to have some personality traits in common. (And he's going to school for geology, which is what people always think I said when I tell them I took theology!) I always enjoy talking to him and even being near him. But he's younger than me, and he has a girlfriend, and he's leaving.

He got my phone number, and he gave me his number and his email address. Maybe we'll keep in touch? Maybe we'll become real friends instead of just work friends? But... I have abundant time for work friends since I spend a lot of time at work, and I feel like I have less time and energy to give to real friends so I can't have an unlimited number of them... (Maybe I feel that way just because I've had a busy week.) I don't have room to be close friends with everyone I esteem. But I guess I can't be closed to new friendships. I think that in theory it is impractical to expect to be friends with all the coworkers I am sad to lose, but the general rule doesn't have to apply to this situation.

I work at a place with high turn-over. Although it's the kind of place where someone could stay long-term, for a lot of people it's better for them to move on. I recognize that, in theory. I hate that when it tears my work friends away from me.

Life will go on. I'll forget to miss them, hardly even noticing how things change. But it still makes me feel impoverished each time I lose someone I care about.

Dishwasher Mishap

So... my dishwasher melted my cookie jar.

(none)

I busily and happily made it through my days off this week! I had two lunch dates and two dinner dates which filled up my time wonderfully well. I pretty much ate all my meals with other people. Yesterday I went out twice, and today I had people over twice. And having people over gave me the motivation to clean my house and do my laundry finally! It feels good to be social. And it was nice to connect with some more periphery friends (as well as a central friend).

I talked to my friend today, the one who is separating from her husband. Although I was her first choice as she seeks a place to stay, I'm not her only option. She already has a temporary solution, and she is expecting that it will be quite a long time so she wants more privacy than I can offer with my couch. But we're planning to go for coffee next week. She needs all the support she can get.
He cheated on her. She found out a few months ago, and he promised her the affair was over but it wasn't. He's not doing anything to earn back her trust. Their marital counsellor told her that his angry, controlling nature gives their relationship the atmosphere of abuse. She is loyal to him because she still takes her wedding vows seriously, but she wisely sees that she needs to set boundaries so that he will see that he can't just walk all over her and he needs to change.
...Jesus?

Ex

So I went out for dinner and a movie tonight with my ex-boyfriend. He suggested it a few months ago (remember here), but with the busyness of writing a thesis, working, having company, graduating, and going on tour, it didn't happen until now. To be honest, it wasn't that exciting - it was just pretty ordinary. We get along pretty well now that we are just on the periphery of each other's lives, and we can talk about a lot of stuff together. (As long as we're not talking about our relationship.) (That makes me feel good because it makes me think that although it didn't work out with him, maybe he wasn't the worst match for me and maybe dating him wasn't a completely stupid idea. Not that I'm not glad it's over, though.) He told me about how he's planning to move back to the States in a few months here, and later I wondered if that was the thing he felt like he needed to tell me. But later tonight I got another email from him saying, "Thanks again for tonight. I have some things that have been weighing on my mind that I wasn’t able to share with you tonight. But, before I move away I’d like to hook up again. That cool with you?" So I guess we'll repeat this again soon.

I also got a message on my phone from my ex-landlord today. She asked for a favor - she needs a place to stay because she is separating from her husband. She said she thought of me first, and I am honoured by that. We didn't part on the best of terms and then we didn't talk for a long time. We went for coffee once a month and a half ago, and she confided in me that they were having marital problems. It tells me that she really values me when she shares her secrets with me and then calls me when she needs help, especially considering that we are not close right now. I'm not sure if she really will stay here - she might have other options that are more appealing than sleeping on my couch, and she hasn't called me back after I left her a message saying she is welcome here. But that would be an ironic twist - having my ex-landlord staying at my place.
I wonder what it is that pushed her over the edge and made her leave. I wonder if this is a temporary few days space, or if it's the end. I hope she's okay.
She's not just my ex-landlord - we used to be good friends, and I was one of her bridesmaids. I saw that marriage begin. And I guess I'm the only bridesmaid still in town to see it falter.
When a friend of hers separated from her husband around the time she was getting married, she wasn't very understanding because she believed that the promises of marriage shouldn't be broken. Now she's experiencing that herself. We can be so naive...
I currently believe in personal fulfillment. And I haven't forgotten how good it feels to break up when things are awful. If she needs to leave, I would fully support her in that. And I wonder how we can expect ourselves to make promises that we will keep for the rest of our lives considering how much everything changes over time. He is not the person he was when she married him, and neither is she. But... divorce is pain. Marriage is pain? Life is pain.

Guy Friends and Blitz

So, I have been making a new friend. He's a guy from choir, and we connected right at the end of tour and stayed in touch afterwards, emailing back and forth. He's the one that ended tour with a crisis, and that provided the content for most of our dialogue. After a week and a half he decided to move on, and I kinda felt like I didn't have anything to say to him after that. But that was right about the time we were saying that we should hang out again sometime soon. We don't have a lot of mutual friends that we would hang out with, and although it would be fine to hang out one on one it seemed healthier to hang out in a group. So I brought him along to Blitz with me last week. That actually felt kind of awkward to me. The welcomingness of your friends kind of reflects on you - but they did fine and he enjoyed himself, so much in fact that he was eager to come again this week. But there was also the awkwardness of bringing a guy along to meet my friends - like meeting the parents, it hints of coupleness, even though that is not the direction I am going with this friend. And I guess that one of my other friends at Blitz is discomforted by me bringing this guy along. The hostess and I talked in the kitchen while the guys were in the living room. She noted that I give to him the same thing he gives me - positive female attention (and that was a cool thing for me to hear - that my appreciation and reciprocation of attention to the opposite sex might fill their needs too instead of simply being neurotic on my part), and he may fear losing that if I introduce another guy friend into the group. I'm not sure how to assure him that he has no reason to worry, especially since conversations clarifying that there is nothing special going on between me and the other guy assume that there is something going on between me and this guy...

Word of the Season: Alas

Alas: an interjection used as an exclamation to express sorrow, grief, pity, concern, misfortune or apprehension of evil. (www.dictionary.com)