A Talk

Justin and I tried to plan a hanging-out extravaganza with coworkers last night - but no one else came! That was alright, we had a good time, and things turned out differently than they would have if other people had been there.

First we went and played pool. I sunk the 8 ball in half the games, haha. Then we went to a late movie, thinking that other people could join us after work, but alas they did not. It was just the two of us. During the movie we spent a lot of time throwing popcorn at each other. Then he put his arm around me (to throw popcorn at me from both sides - but he left it there). Then he tried to tickle me, so I basically had to hold his hand so that I wouldn't get tickled. So we held hands for probably half the movie, his arm around my shoulder. And it was nice. But... I'm not looking for a relationship here, so with the advent of such flirty touch, I figured we'd better have a talk.

We went to Denny's. We hung out at Denny's until 4:00! (I had told him I probably wasn't sleeping that night because I had to get to the airport early.) We talked about all sorts of stuff. Eventually I brought it up: "Hey, remember how a few weeks ago I told you about Punky Mullet Guy and how I liked holding his hand but how that means 'relationship' to me, and how I figured he and I might need to have a talk? Well, although I liked holding your hand back at the movie theatre, it reminded me of that, so maybe we need to have a talk." He didn't really say anything. I continued, though I wasn't quite sure where to take it next. I remember saying that I like attention and I like touch, but I'm not thinking relationship. And he still didn't really say anything! When I anticipated having this talk tonight, I didn't think it would turn out any other way than us both saying, "Of course I don't want anything more than friendship!" He always talks about not wanting a girlfriend. But his silence was perhaps a little telling? I did ask whether the reason he tried to tickle me was so that I would have to hold his hand in self-protection, and he answered, "maybe." I didn't want to press him further into stating where he's at because it can be embarrassing to admit feelings and such, especially when I've already said I'm not interested. We soon began talking about other things, but I feel a little unsatisfied about the talk. Although I've said, "I don't want a relationship," we didn't clarify what the friendship can look like. I like his arm around me. But I wonder if it's okay to enjoy the attention if I'm not interested in the more it may represent.

In the aftermath, I find myself wondering what's so bad about a relationship, and what's so bad about a relationship with Justin. Well, he's only twenty, and that is so young, too young. And he thinks religion is fabricated, which means that much of what is important to me isn't welcome in our conversation because he sees things through different eyes. Plus, if we call it a relationship, he's probably not going to be satisfied with holding hands.