Inevitable

...on
......a
.......bit of a downswing.

I had a really nice vacation from my problems. I credit the fun of getting into a new relationship. But all vacations have to end sometime and we have to go home.

Being with Justin is still making me happy. But that happiness isn't strong enough to pervade the rest of my life any longer like it had been doing. I've felt great for the last few weeks, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. And here it is, the downswing.

Mornings are worst. I just want to keep sleeping. Then I sit down to put on my shoes before I leave the house and I don't want to get up - I just want to keep sitting there. I seriously need to stop being late for work. And I just feel grumpy and so very tired until my shift winds down. I don't know if people are suddenly really hostile or if I am just hypersensitive, but I've had a lot of conflict-ful encounters with customers in the last few days. Plus I start to assume the worst about what people think of me. When I tell Anson it's breaktime and he says he's going to wait, I believe that's because he doesn't want to spend his break with me instead of thinking that he wants to clean up his board before he passes it off to someone else. Things perk up somewhat by the time evening comes around and I get done work, though, thankfully.

I don't really know how to do a relationship from this place. I feel like I'm not fun and I don't have much to say, and it's hard to explain why. I warned Justin about the inevitability of a downswing a few days ago, and then I brought it up again today. He doesn't really understand, but he tries. I'm not really sure what I expect from him or from myself here. So this is the next relationship issue I'm facing. I'm curious about how it will turn out. Being able to be in a relationship even when I am not okay is an important skill I need to learn.