2011 Reading Statistics

In 2011 I read...

29 Books

18 Fiction
11 Non-Fiction
---6 of which were Non-Narrative

9 Books for my Nineteenth Century English Literature Course
all of which I read twice, but only counted here once

2 Canadian Books
(it didn't help that my course books were outside of this category)

2 Books on Penguin's Top 50 List
12 Total Books read from Penguin's Top 50 List so far (24%)

Books Read - Autumn 2011

7. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell*

6. Here Comes Trouble by Michael Moore (audio book)

5. Bleak House by Charles Dickens (a second time)

4. Germs, Guns and Steel by Jared Diamond (audio book)

3. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

2. Bleak House by Charles Dickens*
1. Digital Fortress by Dan Brown (audio book)

Books Read - Summer 2011

7. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
6. Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom
5. The Giver by Lois Lowry
4. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender
3. Vanity Fair (a second time)*
2. Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood**
1. Vanity Fair by W.M. Thackeray*

Kindness Forbidden

A couple weeks ago, my coworker made an announcement when I got back from my lunch break. "Pam and I have decided that you are not allowed to bring baking in to work anymore. And when the other girl brings in stuff, we're not going to have any. And we're going to go for walks on our lunch break." They are trying to eat healthy and lose weight. I was a little stunned by their announcement though. There are two aspect to my feelings, and I'm not quite sure which should win out.

A) I want to support their goals. I don't want to tempt them to eat junk food when they are trying to be healthy. And if my "kindness" is detrimental to them, then it's not kind.

B) I share my baking to show that I care. I feel that by preemptively rejecting my goodies, they are rejecting me and my attempts to be kind. And it was surprising to be told that I am "not allowed" to do something by people who have no authority over me.

Consideration A isn't a new thought to me, and as a result I haven't been sharing treats as much as I used to (though it makes me feel stingy and un-caring). I might bring in cookies or cupcakes once a month... or two or four (2-4 months, not 2-4 times a month). I think it's a good, caring thing to do - something that makes people feel happy and contributes to morale. But to some people it's detrimental... and now my feelings are hurt and I feel unappreciated and awkward about future sharing.

Theme

The theme of my summer was "Not Good Enough." I'm not good enough at work (despite telling me that I've improved greatly in the past few months, my manager gave me a majority of "needs improvement" ratings on my annual review - marking me as one of the worst employees we have). I'm not good enough at being there for my friends (two friends moved this summer, and I didn't help; another wrote me a letter about how she regrets how we've grown apart). I'm not good enough at spending time with my family (Mom wishes I lived closer). I'm not good enough at keeping house (cooking and cleaning are impossibly hard). I'm not good enough at writing for my English course - or reading for it, for that matter (after getting a lower-than-expected mark on my paper, it took me over two months to make it through Vanity Fair).

Even when the results are fine, I still receive criticism. At work, the store manager told us that next time they'll get more people keying inventory because we were too slow - but it seemed to me that we were so caught up that we were often waiting for more numbers to come in. Still not good enough. My correspondence course tutor told me that my 2092 word paper was too short, when the required length was 2000 words and I had to cut it down to get it there, afraid of running too long. Still not good enough. If even meeting or exceeding expectations is unsatisfactory, what does it take to be sufficient? It seems impossible.

This feeling becomes exponential: once the idea is planted, I am more likely to interpret new circumstances in a way that reinforces it. And it's really hard to kick. But I've been trying. I counter "I'm not good enough" with memories of Justin telling me "Good job, Michelle!" or a coworker saying "I think you do a bang-up job." But I'm still living under the shadow of insufficiency.

Aye

I've discerned another excuse for the selfishness I discussed recently. It's my defense against manipulation. Nowadays there are so many schemes that try to convince me to further someone else's interests. "If you buy a newspaper subscription, the company gives me money for college." "If you host a Tupperware party, your friend can get more free stuff." Everyone who works for commission or under a quota tries to further their cause by getting me on board. It's fine and even great when I want the product they are offering - when I've been wanting to host a Tupperware party and buy a newspaper subscription, when their interests are in line with mine and the transaction is mutually beneficial. But I need my "selfishness" to protect me from all the times when that is not the case. When someone else's success is tied to my participation, they become less interested in whether or not I want what they are selling; they want me to want it, and many will resort to some level of manipulation to ensure that I cooperate. Since they do not have my best interests at heart, I need to.

Ouch

A week or two ago, while walking to the mailbox, I found myself thinking about what it's like to be any particular person. I think there's a special feeling associated with being me, with being you. Our perspectives have been shaped by our unique circumstances and our interpretations thereof, and this affects our outlook in every moment. And I wondered what it feels like to be you, and I wondered what you would think about how it feels to be me.

It's painful to be me. Old disappointments tarnish my present expectations, and a grim cloud of depression hangs over it all. I don't notice this pain all the time - busyness often distracts me, but I see it when I look back and when I slow down. Situations like massages and pedicures let it rise to the surface. This emotionally ill feeling is my predominant memory of my first massage, probably five years ago, and looking back I wondered at the state I must have been in to warrant that. Repeated experiences and recent introspection have made me realize that it's not exactly that I was in such a painful place then - that ache is always within me.

Silly Pants McGee

It's been my new task lately to get the mail at work. When the girl who used to do it went on holidays, I filled in. Although she's back now she's been busy, so I've kept doing it. I like it; I enjoy getting out of the building for a little walk in the middle of the day, and having a break while still being productive.

The walk gives me a few minutes to think, and sometimes these thoughts surprise me.

The other day I discovered that I am afraid. I am so afraid that I am going to screw everything up and lose it all. I'll say something that comes out wrong or be unfair in my expectations, and everything will crash down. I feel like I just live on the brink. It will be all my fault, but I won't be able to avoid it. Impending doom.

P.S. Justin chose the title. I was stumped. So was he, so he made something up. Maybe that's what he thinks of my fear of impending doom. I find that comforting.

Every New Home Needs Granulated Garlic

My brother bought a house, and is in the process of taking possession and moving in. It's an exciting time for him, and by extension, for the rest of the family.

I hear that when my Dad discovered my brother's intentions to buy himself a house, he asked, "What's wrong with living here with me?" My brother responded, "I should probably move out of my parent's house before I'm thirty." Good point. And apart from a semester when he rented a room in another city for a work term, this is his first time really on his own. (When he moved away for school, Dad moved too to provide him with a place to live. Although Dad's not home much and my brother basically has the place to himself, it's not the same.) It's an exciting time.

Mom and I were talking about this big step a few weeks ago, and talking about how we can help him out. "One thing I really appreciated when I moved out," I said, "was that you gave me spices." It can be overwhelming to have to buy the myriad of spices that a kitchen needs right off the bat, and one Christmas she gave me filled spice jars of everything our family tends to use. "We could do that for him too!" So when I last visited her, I brought along my extra spice jars and the spices I've bought large quantities, and we raided the extra spices in her freezer as well and came up with a good assortment of spices for my brother.

She went to visit him last week, to see his new house and bring him all the household things she has been accumulating for him. Among those gifts was the spices we assembled for him, and she reported back to me that he was really excited and grateful to receive them. He put them into the cupboard right away, although nothing else was unpacked yet. He appreciated it. I had also given him a bottle of dish soap and a couple homemade dishcloths (other things I consider immediately essential when you move out), and she reported that he had those ready by the sink, though he hadn't even been staying there yet.

"I'm glad he liked our idea," I said to Mom, referring to the spice gift. And she gave me all the credit for it. "You came up with it all on your own." So I changed my statement to: "I'm glad he liked the gift of spices that we collaborated on." But although I insisted on sharing the credit with her, I also take his gratitude personally. I suggested spices, and he was glad. I gave him dish soap, and he moved it in first and thought of me as he unpacked it. I gave and he was grateful. I was appreciated. And that feels good.

Thank You Cards

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Thank you for the birthday money. I used it for...

What do Grandma and Grandpa want to hear? What do they want me to use their monetary gift for? Especially when all the income goes into an account, and then all the expenses come out of it, and I'm not using this exact money for one particular thing - the answer to what I did with their gift is not really straightforward. Should I say it went towards rent and groceries? No, too quotidian. Dental bills? Not positive enough... and I don't think I want to get into that. Savings? Too practical and under-valued. Soda and yarn and candy and books? Too frivolous.

They will want to hear that they have benefited me by giving me something special, something I value and may not otherwise have - and something they understand and approve of. Something that makes them feel good about giving me birthday money.

Meow Meow Meow Meow

I really really like Pop Tart Kitty.

Aye Eye Aie

I have been noticing lately just how egocentric I am. I generally think of myself first. And it's not just a matter of selfishness; there are a few reasons for this.

First, it's a issue of budgeting my limited emotional resources. Can I handle this? How will this really affect me? How much will it take to rise to what is expected of me? Can I keep this up? Will the benefit someone else gains outweigh the cost to myself?

When you're full and replenished, you can give easily and barely notice the cost. When you're empty and exhausted, every effort is a sacrifice that probably won't be noticed or appreciated. Everything that you give, leaves less for basic existence.

The widow's mite... she was generous with her limited resources, not knowing how she would survive. We never find out what happened to her. Is it a healthy, reasonable lesson?

Additionally, I was taught to be reflective, and this generally involves asking, "How does this affect me? What is my experience here?" Me, me, me. And a story is only mine to share and ponder to the degree that it affects me. For instance, my blog is about my thoughts and experiences. Wouldn't it be weird otherwise? But is learning to be reflective just learning to be egocentric? Surely not...

...And it's not like this is working out so well for me...

Lucas

So as I previously mentioned, the pastor officiating Katie & Patrick's wedding used to be a close professor of mine. I went to a little school, so you really had a chance to get to know some of your profs. Lucas and I went on a mission trip to Mexico together, where he lent me a blanket. I helped out with the neighbourhood kids club he hosted with his wife. He taught me College 101, Life of Christ, Small Group Leadership, and Teaching Children. It was him I consulted about speaking in chapel about depression, and after that short query I ended up spending the rest of the lunch hour in his office, telling him about the issues going on in my family. He even offered to be a father-figure to me. And I remember how much I cried when he told us he was leaving. He was important to me.

Since then I've lost touch. Well, I still know where he works and lives, and I could probably find his phone number - but I haven't known what to say so I haven't said anything. I'm a different person now that the one he knew. She loved Jesus, and sought to be a woman of prayer and humility. I have given up - and along with giving up religion, I felt like I had to give up most of my Christian acquaintances. What would we have in common anymore?

For this reason I was apprehensive about seeing him again, apprehensive about what to say. It turned out to be okay. He accidentally called me Denise, but then told me about how he often thinks of me and appreciated how I was always so nice to him. And beyond that there wasn't much more time for conversation. We never got into the intense "how are you" that I dreaded. And everyone agreed that he was the most adorable wedding pastor ever.

He invited me to stay in touch. A part of me wants to, but a part of me still doesn't know what to say. And this situation made me realize that this guardedness defines not only renewed connections with old acquaintances, but many of my relationships - and even myself. I am too tired for/of reflection and introspection to be able to put much effort into it, and that just leaves me floating on the surface. I'm not even able to wish for more. I feel awkward talking with those who haven't seen my progression because I don't want to dwell on what lies beneath the surface, and I am not entirely comfortable with it. When I don't disillusion them, though, they are led to believe that I am the same as I was when they knew me - and that just becomes deceitful. I don't want to keep people at arm's length... except I do.

Dear Starbucks,

Dear Starbucks,

I love you. You are better than Tim Hortons because, although your drinks are exponentially more expensive and their tea is good too, when I need somewhere to go and sit, to work and think, they are not welcoming. They have hard chairs in which I must sit up straight, and they put up those "20 minutes or it's loitering" signs that make me so sad. You're even better than the library, because I can't have beverages there, and I have to sit up straight and keep my feet on the floor. When I come visit you, I can curl up in a comfy chair and stay as long as I want - and use the internet! You're the bestest, and I'm grateful.

Love,
Michelle

Completed Projects

Over the past few months, I have been busy with several knitting/crocheting projects. I'm quite proud of the results, so let me tell you about them!

This elephant baby blanket is for a friend's new baby. I tried hard to finish the blanket before the baby was born, and I think I did, but I haven't seen my friend since so it is still waiting to be given. This friend also knits and crochets, so I always feel like projects I give to her need to be more advanced than what I might give other friends - although I'm sure she'd still be grateful, she would see right through a basic project that would 'wow' most other people. This spurs on my creativity. I didn't have a pattern for this - I made it up. In knitting, there are two different textures you can make, depending on whether you "push the bumps to the back" or "pull the bumps to the front." That difference in textures is what made the elephant (it is all the same colour, despite the differences in the pictures). I figured out what to do when by tracing a pattern on graph paper off a computer screen. It took a long time, and there are a bazillion stitches, but it's an achievement I'm proud of!

I made this aphgan for Katie and Patrick for their wedding:

I've made this pattern once before, seven years ago, and I was really impressed by how much I remembered! I would consult the pattern about what to do next, but instead of fighting to understand crazy pattern language, I just remembered what that meant. Yay!
I started making this blanket with plenty of time - so much that I had time to take a break and work on other things (like the baby aphgan). By the time I finally came back to it I no longer had plenty of time, and this was the project that I was frantically finishing at the last possible moment, Thursday night before the wedding. So much intense crocheting (with tension a bit too tight) put a lot of pressure on my ring finger, and the next morning my finger was still numb! I've had to slow down my crafting this last week, because it turns out that I hold my crochet hooks and knitting needles in the exact same spot on that finger, and I think I dented a nerve or something.

I also made the gift I gave Katie for one of her showers last month: a dishcloth flower arrangement. I made her a bunch of dishcloths, folded them into flowers, and stuck them in a flowerpot along with some dish soap. Someone told me that it was one of the most creative shower gifts they'd ever seen, and I felt proud to hear that.

Books Read - Spring 2011

7. The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton**

6. Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson

5. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte*

4. The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

3. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen by Paul Torday

2. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte*

1. The Heart of Midlothian by Sir Walter Scott*

Wedding

Katie and Patrick were married on the weekend. The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was at the house Katie grew up in. Unfortunately, however, rain sprinkled on us throughout the outdoor ceremony and poured intermittently throughout the rest of the afternoon. This hampered the wedding picture plans; between the rain and time constraints, after posing on the verandah at the house we only ventured out for pictures at Starbucks (that's so Katie) and Rona (a last minute idea because they had an indoor garden center). I think the pictures could turn out pretty neat, though, and I hope Katie and Patrick are happy with them. Their wedding cake was adorable: inspired by "Up," it was the house with the balloons coming out the chimney, and the adorable old couple sitting on a bench in the front yard. Altogether it was a beautiful day.

This happy occasion made me recognize just how much of a hard time I am having at being happy. I feel like I just have no capacity for it. I stood in the ceremony, remembering what it would have felt like to be emotionally invested in the situation, to feel like I am supporting the significant moment. I conjured a glimmer of that feeling, but I mostly found myself up against a deep, sickening exhaustion.

I kept wondering why they chose me to be part of their wedding party, and fearing that I wasn't carrying my weight. What was my role as a bridesmaid? Well, I provided a location for the first part of the stagette; I was the table-guard at the bar for the second part of the stagette; I recorded the gifts Katie received at both showers, the stagette, and the gift opening; I made the signs guiding people to the ceremony; and I walked down the aisle with Ron during the recessional. And, oh yeah, I was significant in getting the couple together. Not that it was my intention to be a matchmaker, but they were both my friends first, then we all started hanging out together, and then they started dating. My feelings of not deserving the honour of standing up with them is rooted more in paranoia than reality.

Books I Bought at the Book Sale

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (read 2011)

Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love by Stephanie Dowrick

HTML for Dummies by Ed Tittel and Steven James

The French Chef Cookbook by Julia Child

Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama

L'etranger by Albert Camus

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The Salterton Trilogy by Robertson Davies

The Manticore by Robertson Davies

The Fire-Dwellers by Margaret Laurence (New Canadian Library Series)

A Jest of God by Margaret Laurence (NCL)

Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich by Stephen Leacock (NCL; read)

As For Me and My House by Sinclair Ross (NCL)

The Lost Salt Gift of Blood by Alistair MacLeod (NCL)

Such Is My Beloved by Morley Callaghan (NCL)

The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver (read 12/2015)

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory (read 02/2016)

Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson (read 2011)

Things That Can Be Substituted for Flour

1/4 cup of ground flaxseed for 1/4 cup of flour in a recipe

(adds omega-3 and fibre)

1/4 cup of wheat bran for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds fibre)

1/4 cup of ground nuts for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds a nuttier flavour, protein, and good fatty acids)

1/4 cup of wheat germ or oat bran for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds extra nutrients)

soy flour for 1/3 of the flour in a recipe

(adds protein)

Credits: Eating Well by Heidi Murkoff

Things I Miss About Being a Christian

community... encouraging community, where people care about each other (or at least that is the ideal, the goal)

asking for prayer... having an opportunity/reason/excuse for sharing when I'm not well

meeting people's expectations... being who they think I am... not being afraid that who I've become will disappoint them

feeling like a good person

music

Things That Are Great About My Mom

she cares about doing a good job

she creates clean, pleasant surroundings

she is organized

she is generous

she is good at her job

she is constantly learning and bettering herself

she takes good care of her possessions

she has successfully taken on the project of renovating her house, largely by herself (tiling, hardwood, new cabinets, granite countertops)

she owns and knows how to use a mitre saw

she gets so much done

Progress Report

A week or two ago, I was talking to my Mom on the phone. "Did you ever finish that course you were working on?" she asked. I was surprised by her question and a little offended by the way she asked it: I have a year to finish the course, and that deadline was still ten and a half months away. Of course I haven't read eleven hard books already!

But I guess it's hard to remember all the details that people tell you, and I should appreciate the fact that she remembered that I am taking a course.

To be honest, I'm slowing down on it. The last book I read (The Heart of Midlothian) was really hard, so it wasn't concerned when I spent three weeks on it. But I'm on the third week for my current book (Jane Eyre) as well, and this one's not difficult - it shouldn't be taking me more than two.

This time my excuse is television. And my excuse for the television is knitting. I'm working on a cool project that I've been spending a lot of time on. Watching TV goes with knitting better than reading does. And although there aren't many shows that I watch, those shows that I do are on all the time!

I used to be the type who never watched TV. I guess that's because all I had was peasant vision, and my television set barely worked. When you have the technology, you will inevitably use it?

Happy Earth Day

This month's Cupcake Theme was Earth Day Cupcakes, and although I didn't actually enter the contest, I did bake Earth Day cupcakes. I found a recipe for Strawberry Cupcakes on another blog, and I happened to have fresh strawberries because they were a great price for this time of year. "Strawberries are earth-y," I thought, and then I made my cupcakes extra earth friendly by using organic sugar. And they tasted SO GOOD! They were moist and fresh tasting and yummy. I put more strawberry puree in the icing than the recipe called for, and then I got out my decorating miscellany and after numerous failed attempts, ended up making them look like flowers - so they were pretty too!

Happy Earth Day!

Revisiting Grad

I made more cards today. And I actually like how this one turned out:
That's an especially good thing, because it was for a special occasion. Happy Graduation, Friend!

It's nice to know that you're important to someone, and it's nice to be involved in their lives. I loved it when you came over to do homework, because it gave me a chance to be a part of your school life. I was honoured that you wanted me there at your grad, and I was glad to come and share your special day. Thanks for wanting me and needing me.

Being there made me think back to my own grad. Three years ago - that's so long. Both nostalgia and seeing "how far I have come" are uncomfortable for me. I am not who they hoped I would become, and I negated all their benedictions. These situations give me a chance to consider where I am, and I am at the place where I say "It hurt too much, and I just couldn't stay." It didn't help tonight that the banquet was held at a church where I once had a difficult experience, one that I later cited for my fall from faith. My eyes kept straying to that corner where I felt so abandoned.

Now that this friend is finished school, my connections there are minimal. There has been a gradual letting go since I finished there myself, and to be honest, I look forward to the freedom of its culmination. It's an awkward place for me to go back to.

I found myself thinking tonight that if I keep a list of everyone who has hurt my feelings, soon there won't be anyone left who's not on that list. I need to get over things. And I do... but it requires enough good to outweigh the bad, and in a lot of cases I don't have that opportunity. That still makes for a very long list. Hmmm...

Tonight a stranger approached me and asked if I was part of the choir years ago - because he remembered me and the way I sang a particular song. As I stood on the edge of the group and sang in the chorus, he was powerfully moved by my presentation - and he has remembered that for years. I don't even remember the song, but he remembers me and said he has looked for me since. This reminded me of Edna, a lady across the country who remembered me and found me again a year later. These situations are flattering and humbling, and I don't know what to do with them, especially considering where I have ended up. So I said "Thank you," and pondered it in my heart.

Conflict Resolution

So, I feel like I'm just not good at being a person. And it kinda hurts.

And it turns out that I define a person primarily as a social being, because the above is what I say when I am struggling with social interactions.

How do you define "personhood"?

Nostalgia

Do you remember this?

After eleven years, "back off, get your own sandwich" is still a fantastic quote.

It's funny how imperfect memory is, though - I could have sworn the commercial was for Subway, not Maple Leaf, and I'm finding that a lot of other people also had the same false certainty. You?

Books Read - Winter 2011

10. Thirteen at Dinner by by Agatha Christie**

9. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley*

8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen*

7. Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster*
6. Thanks for the Memories by Cecelia Ahern
5. Speaking Out: Ideas That Work for Canadians by Jack Layton
4. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
3. Persuasion by Jane Austen***
2. What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell**
1. Among the Shadows by L.M. Montgomery

* In partial fulfilment of my correspondence course (Nineteenth Century English Literature)

** In partial fulfilment of my New Year's Reading Goals (inspired by Mara)

*** Read in tandem with friends

RTW

What to expect on my return to work:

//// My manager is my enemy

- I'm not used to having enemies

- "love your enemies"
- no spite on my side - and no expectations

- no efforts for friendliness - though very civil

- but... will a lack of cheer on my side just make things worse? perpetuate a spiral?

- and what about necessary interactions?

- enemy = doesn't watch out for my best interest - but that's her job...

//// 2 significant errors by my coworker

- I may have made one myself before I left - she isn't the only one

- everything can be fixed

//// 4 audit issues by my coworker

//// 3 exasperating situations with managers

//// My coworker will be my equal - covering my absence was her rite of passage

- it works better when there is a slight hierarchy, though...

I don't want to!

But it probably won't be as bad as I fear... especially if my expectations are really low.

Self-Interrogation

What's the problem?

--- My manager doesn't like me.

Why is that a problem?

--- I want everyone to like me.

But not everyone does.

--- If someone doesn't like me, they don't want me around. I am a negative thing to them - a curse. They see me in a negative light, and will interpret and misunderstand me that way. I become what they see me as - unlikeable.

--- This isn't a big deal if the feeling is mutual or if I can disregard their peripheral role in my life.

--- This is painful when continuing contact with the person is required, and it provides continual reminders.

Here's the flaw: "If they don't like me, I am unlikeable."

--- I recognize that there is a flaw here, but I can't dismiss it.

--- "People are continually teaching me how I deserve to be treated."

--- I'm not strong enough, and I feel crushed by the weight of the effort.

Counter argument: Playing by the same rules, if someone does like me, then I am likeable.

--- I guess it balances out.

INTRINSIC

...

?

Also... inadmissible.

Tax Party

I'm really glad we've started a tradition of doing our taxes together. =)

J'attends.

Waiting.

Silent.

Only the buzzing of the lights.

Angst.

Someone else enters.

Silent.

Except all his noises of existence and coffee.

Loud.

Waiting.

But I had an appointment!

Confession: I was late.

But less than a tenth as late as they are

so far.

Frustration?

A door opens down the hall.

Is it time?

I guess not.

Waiting too long

in a sub-par waiting room

doesn't promote my mental health

and doesn't promote the success of this meeting.

My companion gets called in.

His noises can no longer frustrate me,

but I feel passed by.

Does it say more or less about my wellbeing:

this is not the first

but the fifth

place I've flirted with tears today?

A family enters.

They talk and the kid's phone meows and he teaches his mom to play plants versus zombies.

They receive their summons too.

Fifty eight minutes.

I finally accost the next staff I see.

The verdict: "Late/Cancelled."

But, but - Only three minutes!

She's really never coming for me.

Eventually they suggest

that the appointment had originally been someone else's -

someone who cancelled.

That's why it was available for me.

But it was never assigned to me.

My name was never written down.

Seventy five minutes.

I leave in tears

and cry through the streets.

Ouch.

This took bravery,

and it was wasted.

For this I missed a friend,

and that was wasted.

And I'm running out of options

that haven't been tarnished.

Misunderstandings

The thing about misunderstandings - when I mean to say one thing, but you take it as something else - is that our relationship is affected by how it is received, not by what is given. I become the person who said what you think I did. And it doesn't matter how much I have intended the opposite. This grieves me.

Books!

So my books for my correspondence course came in the mail today! (They could have come last week, but I gave the school the wrong address, so they got returned. Sigh.) That was pretty exciting, and I stacked them into a fantastic four storey book castle.

I like books that match each other, and I like shopping from the same publishers. For this course, the school just sent me the books I'll be needing, and I wasn't sure what I would be getting. Four of the books I received were from publishers I favour, and another seven are from one other publisher that has been unknown to me, but I'm excited that they all match each other.

I just need to finish what I'm currently working on (Persuasion), and then I'll be reading Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster. =)

Edu-vacation (and beyond)

So I signed up for school! And I forgot how expensive school is! I picked a 6-credit course, so that's like taking two classes, and the price is outrageous considering that this is just something I'm doing for fun. But it's something I really want to do, so I decided not to be dissuaded by the price - plus, between the tuition and the twelve months of part-time student credits, the tax benefits should cover almost half of the cost of the course. And all the books are included for free!

I chose to take Nineteenth Century English Literature. When I took a second look at my options, it was the one that excited me most - and it also happened to be the most advance of the classes I considered, so I hope I can live up to expectations (that basic college English class that I took was eight years ago...). I get a year to finish fourteen books, two 2000-word essays, a biography assignment, and a final "Oral Quiz." I hope to complete it sooner than that - if I drag it out that long it would become really hard to stay motivated. But then again, I'll be reading fourteen books, and they won't be easy reads. We'll see. Anyway, over the next quite-a-while, this is what I'll be reading:

Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1813)

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (1818)

The Heart of Mid-Lothian by Sir Walter Scott (1818)

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (1847)

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte (1847)

Vanity Fair by William Thackeray (1848)

Bleak House by Charles Dicken (1853)

North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell (1855)

Barchester Towers by Anthony Trollope (1857)

Middlemarch by George Eliot (1872)

The Egoist by George Meredith (1879)

The Way of All Flesh by Samuel Butler (1884)

Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy (1891)

Do any of these appeal to you guys? Would you be interested in reading some of them with me? It would be fun to have company along my literary jouney!

Holiday Studying

I have three weeks booked off work in March. I don't have any big plans for this time. I might go visit Dad (it's been quite a while), or maybe Oma, but most of all it will just be nice to not go to work.

I had an idea while relaxing in the bathtub this afternoon, though. Maybe I should sign up for an correspondence course! This is something I keep intending to do "sometime," but I know how hard it is to come home from work and do more work, so it never seems like a realistic plan. But having several weeks off work will give me time to invest in it, and having something to do will prevent me from getting bored.

I looked online, and here were some of the courses that interested me:

- Anthropology 354: Language and Culture (but Amanda gave me a book on this topic, and perhaps I should read that before taking a whole course on the topic.)

- English 211: Prose Forms (this is basically just an introductory English course, which I have already taken. But in this one I would get to read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, and The Stone Angel by Margaret Laurence - all which I have been wanting to read - and look at short stories and essays too! And it shouldn't be too much of a challenge, which would be nice.)

- English 302: Introduction to Canadian Literature (this one looks at interesting themes and authors, and I'd feel good about learning more about Canadian literature.)

- English 358: Literature of the Americas (this one explores Spanish-American, Afro-American, and English- and French-Canadian literature and sounds really interesting. Plus we'd get to read Fifth Business and One Hundred Years of Solitude.)

- English 395: The Nineteenth-Century English Novel (in this course we'd read Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Bleak House, Middlemarch, Tess of the d'Urbervilles, Frankenstein, and Vanity Fair - and it has no exams.)

- Health Studies 200: Introduction to Human Health (wait, this one might tell me I should be eating supper right now, or two hours ago, and then getting some exercise... but it looks like an interesting discussion of health and the factors that contribute to and detract from it.)

- Human Resource Management 322: Employment Law (this one would be the most applicable to my life these days, and I could probably even get work to chip in for the tuition. But it would be the least vacation-y...)

I glanced at all the courses they offer, and these are the ones that caught my attention. Most of them are English classes. I guess that's because I like reading, I like having a reason to dig into what I have been reading, and I like writing about it. I've taken a correspondence course before - Sociology 203 - so I pretty much know what to expect, and it was pretty easy (especially compared to what I was doing in real school at the time). But I should keep in mind that if I take a more advanced course, the requirements will be more advanced.

What do you guys think? What should I take?

Decisions

I'm back to work tomorrow, after having three days off. Brandy's off for the next week on her vacation, so I'll be working alone (and committing alone this Monday - so much for trying to refuse to do that...).

I'm closing this awful week with some resolve. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to work overtime. I'm going to try to cut off my shifts at exactly eight hours, even minimizing the small bits that creep in as I try to finish things up on an otherwise normal-length day. The odd time circumstances may require an hour or so of overtime, but working extra will be by my decision, and not a feeling of obligation. Generally, they'll have to ask me to work overtime, rather than me asking their permission.

I will endeavour to develop my problem-anticipation skills, and I will try to avoid upcoming problems by alerting Dee and giving her a chance to provide solutions. If this system doesn't work, I am going to prove that it doesn't work by following it and letting her deal with the results.

I'm not going to answer the phone any more when work calls. They can leave me a message, and after listening to it I can decide whether or not I will call them back - with no obligation to do so. It's my time.

You guys have suggested I quit... I can't do that. Two reasons: first, I like my job, in theory. When I think of someone else processing my resignation, I get jealous! I'm not ready to go. Plus, job searching and training and new stuff all sucks. I'm also bound by loyalty. Now, I'm not saying that my loyalty will last forever and that I'll never quit, but this is kind of like a relationship, and you can't just break up after the first fight. I've been there so long, and I've been really grateful that through all the recent recession stuff I haven't had to fear for my job.

Still, next week needs to be better than this past one.

Wind Down

Sitting in the shop. Routine maintenance on my car: getting an oil change and taking care of a warranty “recall.” All planned for; nothing is a surprise. It’s much better that way. It’s expected to take three hours and I’ve decided to spend the time here. They could have given me a ride somewhere, but I would probably spend the time sitting on the couch anyway, so I might as well just sit here. They have a pleasant seating area (leather chairs and hot chocolate), and I’ve got a bag of stuff to keep me occupied. If I get bored, a shopping complex is a kilometer and a half away. In the meantime, this provides a good chance to think and write.



They finished early! I only waited two hours! Since the girl knew that I was sticking around, she pushed me to the front of the line and, I suppose, inspired them to work extra fast. That was a nice surprise.

Saga Continues

It kinda feels like Sue is avoiding me. Although our desks are five feet apart, she doesn't send much attention my way. Maybe that's no different than it was last week - she is super busy - but I really feel it this week. Another manager (who sat in Sunday's original meeting with us, and then talked with Sue on Monday) told me about how bad she felt about the situation, but Sue didn't apologize to me herself. In one sense, I understand - when I do something awful to someone, I feel ashamed and it's hard to address that with them. But I acknowledge that that isn't a mature response, and I expect Sue to do better I do.

Sue did bring it up at the end of the day on Wednesday. Of course, she waited until I was off and on my own time, trying to go home. I had already scanned out and picked up some things, and then I returned to my desk to grab my coat and lunchbag when she stopped me. She started by pointing out my attendance to me - since the last counselling notice, she said that I had accrued another three lates. "Now, I'm not going to write you up this time, but..." Well, one of those lates was after she wrote up the last counselling notice but before she delivered it to me - not exactly fair warning (not that that's a fair excuse...). The second late, recorded as 49 minutes, was on Monday. The day she gave me off. The day she called me at 8:00, I talked to the store manager at 8:08, and I got to work at 8:49 - 49 minutes after my typical shifts would start, but 23 hours and 11 minutes before I was next supposed to be at work. The final late was Tuesday, 9 minutes, because after the gong show of Monday I was not so inclined to be on time the next day. She apologized, white-ed out the second tardy, and said she felt embarrassed (which actually made me feel worse). And I felt aghast.
Sue said that she wished that I just hadn't answered my phone on Monday. She regrets when she has to call me at home (for a while it was a weekly occurence on my days off, just with quick little questions), but the store manager insists. Should I just stop answering calls from work? That feels so unreliable to me... but if my manager is pretty much recommending it...
I have a vacation/leave of absence booked for March - three weeks. We won't really have the coverage then either, and Brandy will go crazy, but I need it. And Sue seems to think that because this time off is booked, that makes everything better... but it doesn't make things okay right now.

I took today off work. I pre-arranged it with Sue, and Brandy is in today. I read, sat on the couch, and watched TV. It was nice, but it didn't fix things. Sigh.

More

Cast of characters (because it's easier to refer to them by name):
- my coworker - Brandy
- my manager - Sue
- my manager's manager - Dee
- the store's manager - Kevin

We had another meeting on Tuesday - me, Brandy, Sue and Dee. Sue began the meeting by looking between Brandy and I and asking, "So what happened yesterday?" I didn't answer, and when I brought it up with her later she said that her question was posed to just to Brandy because she knew what happened with me, but that was not at all clear at the time and I felt like I was being expected to remind her that she had given me the day off. She seemed to be saying that the blame for the disaster of the day was to be shared equally between us. Nice.
They told Brandy she needs to be more reliable. She said that she had told the manager she'd talked to when she called that if they needed her to come in she would, but the message didn't get any farther than that, so they called me in instead.
I explained that I was hurt by the counselling notice I was given because although I did earn it through my lates, with all the pressure I am under it feels inappropriate to be told that I am not meeting company expectations. I told them about how it feels like my needs are incompatible with the company's needs, and lateness is one area where my needs can win out without negative consequences for the company. I'm not sure what led up to it, but I remember saying, "What about my sacrifices?" Dee responded by explaining that she needs to treat everyone the same, and she can't tell Brandy to be more reliable while ignoring my tardiness. No grace there. I think these are different situations - if I'm late the work still gets done. Fairness is important, but so is context.

Dee referred to me as having a "Type A personality," which Wikipedia describes as: "ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, and tightly-wound." Not so flattering. Is that how I come across? I agree that some of those adjectives describe me a little bit, but others are way off. Sue said that as Brandy does more and more of the job independently, I'll have to get used to things being done a bit differently, and for instance, to her writing things down differently. This irked me in two ways: first of all, Sue said it in a way that suggested this is a very difficult thing for me. Where does she get that? Has Brandy said something, or is she just making it up? I think I show adequate flexibility: there are several things that Brandy does differently than me, and I don't mention it. My second point is that we can only be so flexible. Some things are necessary. When Brandy's different way of writing something only gives half the required information, is that something I should just get used to? Finally, Dee told me that I need to be patient with them as they find me more help. I have been overworked and short on help for a year and a half, and although I express frustration about that, I don't express impatience about getting help.

Dee's perspective tends to be that all my problems are my own fault. If I'm stressed, that's my problem because I didn't bring it up with her and let her solve the cause. Her perspective demands proactivity, and it doesn't tolerate whining. But it means that I'm basically not allowed to be upset. In addition, if I do pass something off to her and then never hear anything back about it, she reads an attempt to follow up as a display of my lack of faith in her. Sigh.
However, on a positive note, I left this meeting feeling like the solution to everything isn't "Michelle will work harder" - I can make the motto "Dee will take care of it." Hopefully. Kind of. I know this doesn't work out in practice as well as it sounds in theory.

Thoughts

My needs are not compatible with the needs of the business. My need for a personal day clashes for their need for a payroll clerk on Mondays. Their needs won, despite what I required and what was promised me. My need for ten minutes more sleep and some time to put together something for breakfast fights with the company's need for me to be on time. In this case the company doesn't suffer either way, so I let myself come first. It still doesn't work out so well for me, though. I need to reevaluate; unfortunately I don't think they'll show me much flexibility.

My manager isn't able to stand up for me. Even when she suggests I take a day off, even when she sees how much I need it because I'm shaking so much I can barely write, she still calls me in to work when her manager instructs her to. She may say she's on my side, but that doesn't mean all that much.

Brink

I got written up yesterday at work for tardies. Three lates in thirty days is grounds for a "counselling notice," and I am late all the time. Enforcement of the policy is a relatively new thing, so despite all my lates this is only the second time I've been written up for it. The problem continued at first because I could get away with it, but even now I have a hard time turning it around because I don't want to get up, I don't want to leave the house, and even though I like my job, I don't want to go to work.

So yesterday my manager sat down with me, a witness, and the counselling notice. She introduced the topic by telling me that my lates are out of control (whereas I thought that I have been doing a bit better, though still not good). She continued, obliged to say that continuing to be tardy can lead to being suspended. Then she half-joked that she knows I need time off, but that a suspension is not the way to get it. At this point I broke in, cried, and said, "No, but how about crazy leave?" I talked about how I'm late because I don't want to come to work. My job satisfaction right now is really low. I need time off, but I can't take it because there is no coverage. I can't take an LOA, I can't take a vacation, I can't take a personal day, I can't even take a sick day. We're trying to train the other girl how to do absolutely everything so that I can eventually take some time off (like, eventually in a month and a half), and that's really stressed the good dynamic between us: she sharply demands answers and I am so tired of training. And she says that when she thinks about me not being there (like, in a month and a half), she feels anxious and ready to cry. Next week she is going on vacation, so I will be working all alone - and committing alone, which is something I try to avoid, but I have no choice. And she keeps loudly counting down the days to her fabulous Caribbean holiday and talking about how great it's going to be... when I can't have a vacation. I understand that she's excited and that she needs it, but good things for her just mean more work for me. And bad things for her just mean more work for me. And everything means more work for me. And then I get written up for being late, and it includes verbiage about how I am not meeting company expectations.

So I cried and expressed all this to them. And they were sympathetic. They suggested I take today off because they could tell that I needed it. But Monday is a big day for us, and I didn't want to leave the other girl alone - I hate it when that happens to me on Mondays. They pointed out that this would be a chance for her to know what it feels like. They convinced me, and I began to count on today as a mental health day. I think I have a lot of introspection to do. I need to look at where I set my limits, what to do when they're disregarded, how to find the balance between nice and self-preservation, what "reliable" should mean to me, why I feel more secure when I'm in control, how to fairly assess the situation I'm in, etc. And I needed an extra dose of sleep.

Then this morning the phone rang at eight o'clock. The other girl had called in sick too. No one noticed until the store manager arrived and found no one in Payroll. Then he called my manager on her day off and insisted she call me. And I had to go in to work.

So, um, I was right. I can't take personal days. Even when I need it, it doesn't work. The solution to everything seems to be that Michelle will work harder. But I can't keep this up for very much longer.

Compassion

I find that I have a hard time being kind-hearted towards people when, despite their legitimate crises, their problems cause me more work. This is especially the case when the person who isn't well is my coworker. She is definitely worthy of sympathy: in the past month or so, her father has had two heart attacks, she has broken up with her fiance, and most recently, she had a miscarriage. That's all awful. And it's meant that I've had to cover her slack, and that's been hard on me. It has been difficult for me to completely get past my struggles and relate to how hard it is for her.

It's not that I can't imagine the situations that she is in; I think I can almost imagine them too clearly. The moments, the feelings, the angst - just glimpses, but it's enough. Then I feel overwhelmed by the awfulness of it all, and I distance myself from those uncomfortable feelings.

Also, in these kind of situations nothing is the right thing to say - everything could come across wrong, as too much or not enough, as too blunt or too saccharine; I just don't even know what to say. That makes me self-conscious. It's hard to properly feel compassion when I don't feel like I am able to express it.

Now, when I tell you that I resent it when people's problems cause me more work, I don't mean that I am unwilling to be there for you when you need me. It's different when I have a choice, and it feels good to help you. I know you appreciate it, and that makes it so much different than an expectation placed upon me at work.

Introspection

When I'm not sure whether or not we have coffee plans, why don't I call you and ask? Why do I show up, just in case, considering the possibility of being alone better than the possibility of standing you up? Simple communication could prevent both situations. Why do I do this?

Delving deeper, I find several reasons:

- I don't really mind it that much if you don't come. I don't mind spending the time alone, and I usually have something I enjoy to occupy me. Not that I'm okay with being stood up - that's not the situation here at all. If I suspect that you don't think that we have plans, it doesn't hurt my feelings to find out I'm right. I can usually see what would lead you to think that, even if I have support for thinking otherwise.

- I don't want to make you feel bad. I'm sure you're content in your assumption that we do not have plans. I'm sure you don't realize that I consider the situation more ambiguous, and I don't want you to feel guilty for not coming.

- I don't want to make you feel obligated to spend time with me. If I call to verify that we have plans, I am suggesting that I think we do. If you think we don't, I have created an awkward situation with our difference of interpretation. Your options are less than ideal: you can either come and hang out with me, counter to your expectations, or you can turn me down and cancel our "plans." I would rather hear nothing than "no."
My reasoning here lies on an assumption that could be faulty: that sudden plans with me are a hassle rather than a joy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you wished we had plans though you think we don't; maybe you would love a call suggesting a coffee date that to you seems last minute. Maybe you're feeling lonely, and my intrusion would be appreciated rather than resented.
Why do I assume the opposite? Because that's how I feel about people sometimes, so it is more than fair if people think that about me...

- It's kind of embarrassing to see something where others do not and to assume that a certain exchange means that we are getting together when that's not what it meant to you. It makes me look desperate, so I'd rather keep it hidden and uncommunicated, even if that means I end up sitting in the coffee shop alone. Ironically, that makes me seem way more desperate than simply calling you to confirm - but at least you don't see it.

Boring

I found this line in a book today, as a man talks about starting to write a journal:

If there is nothing to record, I shall record the nothingness.

I like that.

Happy New Year!

Michelle's Goals for 2011:

- use 75 postage stamps (possible? Well, this can cover xmas thank-yous, birthday thank-yous, final address changes, next year's xmas cards, and all the letters that I hope to write. Looking at last year's goal of only writing five letters it seems pretty steep, but I didn't think that before making this comparison. And I received 100 stamps for Christmas.)
- read five books inspired by Mara
- read "Introduction to Biology," my high school biology textbook
- drink more liquids
- reduce my yarn stores (by using them up)

It would also be great if I kept my house tidy and cleaned more, cooked more, and was regularly on time for work... but I'm afraid of formulating those as goals in case I fail!