Finale

You know, I'm kinda glad 2008 is over.
'Cause I'm not very good at writing eights. They get a little messy.
It will be nice when the date doesn't have to include this awkward number.
So welcome, 2009, the year of not-eight!

What?

"Does she have your phone number, Michelle?"
He's taking a message because she's not feeling well enough to come to the phone. And I'm wondering what our friendship looks like from that end if he has to ask this. Of course she has my phone number! She's supposed to be my best friend!
(I left my phone number again. She probably won't know that's because he asked for it; she'll probably think I think she doesn't have it. She'll possibly feel aghast at the situation too.)

------

"Goodbye! I love you!"
"Um... yeah. Bye!"
That was an awkward end to our phone conversation. Has she started some new I-don't-say-the-word-love thing? Or does she really not love me anymore? I can't think of any reasons... Funny, she's one that I've always trusted to care. I'm trying to believe that this is more about her than me.

======

"Michelle! I thought it might be you! I heard the phone ring, and I was in my room and I didn't want to get up and go get it, but then I thought, 'It might be Michelle,' so I did. And I'm glad I did!"
Thanks Friend. That was redemptive tonight. Thank you for valuing me and answering the phone.

Memorality

So I just finished reading "Remember Me" by Sophie Kinsella. It's about a girl who loses three years of her memory. She wakes up after a car accident in 2007 thinking it's 2004, and she's surprised by everything that had changed in her life - including her personality. All the sudden she looks perfect, is married to a millionaire, and is the boss of her department, but she had become completely hard and driven and she lost all her friends. Now she is her old self again, the person she was three years ago, trapped in the life of the person she has become.

On the topic of amnesia, it reminded me of another book: "See Jane Run" by Joy Fielding. (This book was amazing!) The story begins suddenly with a woman who has no idea who she is, what she is doing, or why she is doing it. She has no memories, no knowledge of her identity or opinions. She has no idea why her dress is covered with blood or why her pocket is full of hundreds. Eventually she is recognized and reunited with her husband, who is a stranger to her, but no less than she is a stranger to herself. Her husband begins to point out her strange behaviour and how she typically would have reacted to situations - with impatience, temper, and rudeness - and she is taken aback because that no longer seems natural to her.

These stories make me think about how our personality is created by our circumstances. The situations that we are in affect who we become. And if we were to no longer know about those situations, if we did not have to live in response to them, we find ourselves to be different people. Personality is dependant on memory. Interesting.

O Canada

God keep our land
glorious and free...

I've always meant that.
But now we're not talking.

My patriotism is tied to my spirituality?
Is there anything that I care about anymore?

It's a funny place when the national anthem almost makes you cry.

Christmas

Is it spiteful to write about difficulties with God on Christmas Day? I don't want to be a spiteful person... But it seemed fitting...

My Christmas wasn't very religiously-focused. I felt a little shocked and taken aback when I received religiously-themed gifts (like a candle with a Bible verse on it, and a homemade Advent book with a story, Scripture, and carol to read every day in December). I tried to use up all the religious-y Christmas cards I had 'cause although they don't really suit me this year, they might suit me even less next year.

I had a good Christmas though. I wasn't looking forward to spending it with my Dad's side of the family, but everyone kept saying "I'm so glad you came" and I had to say it back so many times that eventually it became true. And Oma brought apple sauce for Christmas dinner, just because that's Christmas for me. I was really touched. Yeah, it was good. Way better than I expected.

...Remembering

Growing Apart...

So... God and I aren't really friends these days. (I tried out the term "breaking up," but that didn't quite feel right. "Not really friends" fits better.) I'm trying to consider this a mood instead of a decision, so that it can be more flexible and more open to reversal. But that's where things are right now.

I wrote this about three weeks ago:

I didn't think it would happen this fast, the whole not-friends-with-God thing. It was a long time coming, but the process has been particularly swift lately. And the unusual thing is, it doesn't scare me this time.

A long time coming...
~~ Seven years ago I had a dream where I got murdered, and I said "I love you, Jesus, I hope I can be with you soon." Remembering this upon waking up was such a relief to me, because at the time I was doubting whether I was committed enough to God.
~~ Five years ago I related to Toby Mac's lyrics: Somebody said you better let go, 'cause they said so, but I could never let this thing go, don't they even know what that means... I was horrified at the thought of having to let go.
~~ Around that time I cried at a party because it felt like everything was falling apart, including my faith. It felt like I was trying to hang on but my fingers were being pried loose.
~~ It was probably about three years ago that I stopped saying I loved God. It's not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know if it was true or not and I didn't want to lie.
~~ That's around when I articulated that if my boyfriend treated me the way God did (especially regarding the distance), I would break up with him and that would be a smart choice.
~~ When did my church allergy begin? It's been about three years since I've gone to church regularly. I blame work, but that's only an excuse.
~~ The fall before last I felt afraid to be alone with God, because so much was wrong between us.
~~ A year and a bit ago, my word to describe our SpTh retreat was "bereft," and prayer made me cry so I cried the whole time.
~~ When I got done school this spring, I worried about the path my spiritual life would take when I was no longer in a Christian setting.
~~ In August it felt like God and I were breaking up, and I cried, "I don't want to say goodbye," and it was the end of the world for a weekend. In September I could sense that more fights were coming.
I guess ten years was a good run?

I've been trying to articulate some reasons, some recent factors that have contributed to this falling away:
~~ Community has always been important to my faith. These days Christian community is lacking in my life. I lean on the faith of others, and now there are few to lean on. Also, the general flavor of my friendships with Christians over the last few years has been authenticity and variation rather than encouragement and conformity.
~~ I've had years of emotional pain. He's been there and he hasn't helped, and all I've had is a constant sense of his distance. That pain has become less acute as I've learned to readjust my expectations and as I've become numb to it. Unanswered prayers have taught me not to ask. I don't expect to be happy anymore, and I don't expect life to be good, and somehow it's hard to still believe God is close.
~~ Justin has been a factor here too. I wouldn't say that this is due to him (it was coming anyways), but having him in my life has probably sped up the process. Getting into a relationship always provides a bit of a religious crisis for me, but I can usually convince myself that it is God's will. This time I can't do that (and the concept of God's will has become pretty shaky to me), so it feels like it might be disobedience. Even before getting into this relationship with Justin, I recognized that the spiritual disposition of the person you're dating can affect your own trajectory. But being with Justin has made me happier than "being with God" lately.
~~ Advent threw me over the edge. Seriously, I don't think attempts at disciplines are helpful for me. The effort to say "O come, o come, Emmanuel" every day made me question the invitation and shy away from it.
~~ There are so many good examples of nonChristians and bad examples of Christians. Most of our history is power-grasping and shameful, not a testimony to Christ. I personally have received bruises at the hands of Christians. And the lack of personal growth I sense in my own life (and the recognition of the opposite) has been discouraging. Christians aren't necessarily good people, which does not speak well for Christianity.
~~ I have been challenged by many questions regarding faith. Is God actually involved in the details of life, and do things really come to us from him? Does everything, the good and the bad, come from him, or just the good? Is it possible to recognize what is good? Is growth as a person compatible with growth as a Christian?
~~ It has also been a challenge to discover the variety of Christian opinion on doctrine. Calvinism and Arminianism are contradictory, but they both fall under the Christian umbrella?! I've learned not to be dogmatic, not to hold too tightly to my beliefs because the alternatives are also valid.

Of course there are implications...
~~ What do I say when people ask, "Are you a Christian?" I've had doubts about the label for a while. I guess it now describes me less than it ever has...
~~ I kinda miss talking to God - just the little things throughout the day that I want to express to someone. I sometimes turn my attention towards him, and then remember that we're not really talking. ....But I guess I don't have to be bound by expectations - this can be whatever it needs to be, and if I want to talk to God I can, even if in general we're fighting?
~~ Koine Greek is of no use outside of Christian circles. But I like Greek, and my best possible future plans involve getting a master's and teaching it. Giving up God kinda means giving up my future. And I don't have any other ideas. Retail for life, for real? ....But I guess I could pursue Greek as purely an intellectual matter, and get a master's as an academic exercise. We look down upon those people who work in the Christian realm and don't love God, but it's an option.
~~ When I talked to Abel about this, he asked the insightful question, "How does this affect who you are?" I'm still thinking about that.
~~ During previous fights, I have realized that breaking fellowship with God largely means breaking fellowship with his people. Do you like me for me, or do you like me for my Christianity? So much that I have been complimented for in the past is no longer true. Does enough remain? Will people respect me for/despite this?
~~ There are a couple people who still look up to me, like Trevor and Inid, and I don't really want to tell them about this... And I realize that even to many of you I am becoming a tragedy. I remember how it feels to be there, hearing that someone is here. I'm sorry?

What remains?
~~ I tried to think through Christian doctrine, assessing what I still believe. And it seems that there isn't much I would flat out deny. Like, I still believe God exists and Jesus came. Well, I guess I question the afterlife. But for the most part, I feel a distant acknowledgment toward Christian belief. It just makes no sense to me.

Honest Connections

Today was a day of some honesty:

Coffee with Abel.
He's always been the one that I talk things out with, especially if they're religious things, especially if they're not so "acceptable." And right now I have some stuff going on that I needed to talk about. Although it was great to see him and go for coffee once again, it wasn't a long-anticipated conversation at all because I had kinda forgotten my Christmas traveling plans would make it a possibility. I didn't think about him until I was on the way, didn't call him until I got into town. I'm lucky he was free (although he seems to make me a priority when I'm around... and then I seem to expect him to...). I'm glad he was; it was so good to put some of the things floating around in my head into words, to articulate and clarify them to myself as I shared them with him. I felt good when I left.

Christmas with my cousin.
We used to be close, but then a few years ago I stopped writing after she pressed too hard regarding my underlying issues that I didn't want to talk about. Now I've missed out on some really significant events in her life, and I feel guilty. I was nervous about seeing her, about spending Christmas together. So when I wrote her a Christmas card last night, I decided to address the distance between us. I apologized for my silence. I remembered something that she once wrote to me about pulling inward during times of her own personal pain, and I said it felt like that describes me too - but that I'm not able to talk about it (because this was an apology, an attempt to offer some understanding, but not an invitation to delve into it). And I thanked her for being someone who has been important in my life. We exchanged a sympathetic smile as she read this, and later we had a really good talk about other stuff as we rolled cookies.

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Other thoughts (not on the topic of vulnerability)

requition (requited) - reciprocal - equal, fair, deserved
It feels really awkward when they give me more than I have given them. When at the last minute I write kind words in a card and and toss in a small chocolate bar, in return for their fancy gift basket or big tin of popcorn. And they receive it with such excitement! Not that I expected it to be any other way - they always shop for me; I never shop for them. We're just not that close, and I feel that gifts should be some reflection of the relationship. I guess they were taught to be more generous than I was. Even the 10 year old had something for everyone.

Families
What makes a good family, when you set out to make one one? All my cousins (but one) are married with kids, and seeing their interactions just made me wonder. They probably put on a good face for Christmas and they're not exactly as happy as I imagine them to be. But they are making it work, and building families. The concept seems bizarre to me.

War and Christmas

Garth Brooks

Belleau Woods

(Sadly, I can't download videos from YouTube anymore...)

Dishwasher

So the Dishwasher Maintenance Man showed up a little unexpectedly today. I was sleeping, and I was trying to ask my cousin why he was giving me a crock pot cookbook, and then there was some knocking on my door, and then I got up (still half asleep) to see what was going on, and it was the maintenance guy! And sadly I never got to find out about my cousin and the cookbook, because dreams aren't really the kind of thing you can go back to.

It turns out that the problem with my dishwasher is that I don't use it enough, which manifested itself in a total lock up - not draining and not spraying and not doing anything but clicking occasionally. If it just sits there for too long, the parts stick together and then possibly break when you try to turn it on. Crazy! I thought it was to my virtue that I don't use my dishwasher all that much, that I don't make all that many dishes and sometimes I just hand wash them all, but it turns out to be detrimental. Huh.

I don't know what the maintenance guy did, but it sprays and drains... and leaks now. He lent me a towel to catch the leaks, and he'll talk to the apartment people about what they want to do about that. I guess it's an expensive fix. There will be some sort of sequel to my dishwasher saga.

It was nice to not be completely ignored on this matter. Maybe some of my faith in apartment maintenance and things improving has been restored.

Retreat

I am noticing within myself a gradual withdrawal from the world. From socialness. (I was phrasing it "from life," but that started to get dangerous-ish.) I'm not so interested in making a lot of social plans, and I'm not excited about big events. I imagine it's just a phase. I kinda credit it to being satisfied just spending time with Justin - my default has gone from being alone to hanging out with him, so I don't have alone-ness to motivate me to make other plans. This was okay when I first noticed it, but in the last few days it's adopted a bit of a crazy flavor...

Tonight we had our work xmas party. I wasn't really excited about it; it snuck up on me and the size of the affair made me feel withdrawn. Justin was coming with me and I wondered how that would be, and I couldn't help but remember how last year's even precipitated an extremely bad next day.
I guess it was okay. I didn't really have a great time. Yeah, it was fun to see everyone dressed up and chat over dinner. But when the dancing started I felt like a wallflower. I was afraid to dance, my heart lacked the energy, and I shied away from the attention. Everyone else was having fun, and I was on the outside.
We left early. I tried to find Katie to say goodbye, but she wasn't around anywhere. So I texted her to let her know I was leaving - and it turns out she was already gone. She didn't say goodbye to me... I guess she had to leave quickly because all the cool kids were heading off to the bar, and that's something of an excuse, but it still makes me sad. I tried to say goodbye to her...

What made me cry on the drive home was thinking that they care.
And they do. Had anyone known how I was feeling, they would have taken the time to show it.
Because they're nice.
And because I'm worth it.
Why does that hurt?

Books Read - Fall 2008

1. Sex God by Rob Bell
2. Taking Care of the Me in Mommy - a gift for a friend
3. Playing for Pizza by John Grisham
4. Twilight (The Vampire Story) by Stephenie Meyer
5. Animal Farm by George Orwell
6. New Moon (Vampire Story part 2)
7. For One More Day by Mitch Albom
8. Eclipse (Vampire Story part 3)
9. Breaking Dawn (Vampire Story part 4)
10. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

Books Half Read...
a. Stealing Jesus
b. Soul Shaping
c. Prayer by Philip Yancey

Shhh

Maybe if I write really small, it won't seem too hard. Maybe I can whisper past this writer's block, this tired inability to articulate, this preference for sleep.
Of course, when it's on the computer there's no difference in the effort required for large type and small type. But somehow writing small is still different. A different tone of voice. More possible.

It's cold outside. And it's cold inside. Last weekend it got down to 11.7 degrees in my apartment. It's been better since, but tonight it's getting a little chilly again. Last year this happened too when it got really really cold out, and it felt like the end of the world to me. This year it's not quite such a big deal. I credit that to the fact that last weekend Justin came over to warm me up. =) I guess I should call the maintenance guys to come and fix something so I don't freeze. But I called today about my dishwasher that won't drain, left a message, and got neither response nor fixing. That coupled with Thanksgiving's lock incident and my general inability to believe that things will improve make it hardly worth the effort, especially when I can't picture the solution.

I got promoted at work. I'm a full time supervisor now (before I was just a relief supervisor). It took them something like three months to make this decision - they sent it all the way to head office because our store manager wasn't comfortable making the decision himself - which made me feel like they were trying to find reasons not to give it to me (I have five years seniority on everyone else). The explanation I eventually got was that there were several really good candidates who excelled in different ways and they had a hard time deciding what was most important. I guess that satisfies me, especially since I came out on top in the end? Now they're piling more work and responsibility on me, and making me wonder if this is really what I wanted. And... it is. I would be upset if I didn't get this, and I find I am more satisfied on supervisor shifts than cash shifts. But I'm not really in the mood to be happy with work right now.

I got a new phone! My contract expired back in the spring, so this was long overdue and I've been trying to do it for a while. It feel like success now that it's done. And it's such an exciting phone! It flips open to reveal a full qwerty keyboard! I'm excited about my new phone.

Things are good with Justin. I like not being alone - I like having someone around to hang out with, talk to, share this piece of life with. I don't think I expected it to be this good when I got into this relationship.

Things are not so good with God. I can't talk about that yet.

I haven't emailed Trevor in a couple weeks. I feel guilty. For a while we were exchanging daily emails, and that was great. But like I've neglected this blog, I've had to neglect my correspondence with him. I just haven't been able to write. I'm sorry that there are two sides to this situation - that it's not just me not emailing him, but there is him, not receiving emails from me. I'm sorry that I basically withdrew the means of our friendship. I'm not sure what he's thinking; I hope he understands. It sucks that I can't trust myself to be a more faithful friend.

Xmas Thoughts

This is Christmas. The dinner and present exchange with Mom. Even if it's on the wrong day, this is the main event for me.

I see/hear advertisements for Christmas gifts and I think, "It's too late, guys, it's already here!" before I realize that everyone else still has a few more weeks.

Merry Christmas!

Blended Families

It's weird trying to bring everyone together, and trying to celebrate a holiday with blended traditions for the blended family. Now there's brussel sprouts for dinner and half of us think the other half is weird for wanting pineapple sauce/mango chutney on the ham. They put their stockings on his electric fireplace upstairs; ours are where they always are, on the real fireplace's hearth downstairs. They want "snappy wieners" (with mustard?!!) for breakfast in the morning, we cringe and request our traditional "baby apple."

Sisters

I love seeing how they love each other. She made her a collage for Christmas, and although I didn't get a close look, I could see the heart that went into it. Her xmas list is full of references to how her sister knows the details of what she wants, has great taste, and whatever would we do without her?! I hear the stories about how they're not always so wonderful, to other people at least. But I love seeing them show love for each other. Almost made me wish I had a sister. But my brother is pretty awesome.

Trade Off

He went back to a crappy job so that he'll have money for Christmas. But now he'll be working Christmas. I'd rather have him than a present.

Recommendation

I found another fantastic blog:

The Dullest Blog in the World

It's kinda refreshing.
Unfortunately, the new blogs I discover and enjoy are generally no longer updated. Sad.

I feel like I've been neglectful, and I apologize. I've been too tired and occupied to write much lately, but soon I hope to get over that and post stuff again. Soon. I have some thoughts accumulating.

Awareness

Having someone who always cares to know how you are doing means you have to be aware of how you are doing way more, and be able to articulate and explain that. You have to be more aware of your own life because there is someone who wants to share it with you at a level more intense than friendship.

Valued

"In case you haven't noticed, this is my Christmas dinner party. And you guys are here because you're the ones who are important to me."

I was so touched. This was more than just the kindness of being invited over for dinner (though dinner was fantastic). To be included in something more than just an ordinary dinner party, and with such a small crowd (although I know he has other good friends). Maybe the others couldn't come. I'm so glad I could. I'm really glad to be someone important enough to him to be included in this.

I don't really know why we're friends. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad we are - I'm just not sure what brought us together. What does he see in me that makes me worth his attention, his friendship? What is it that gets me an invite to his little Christmas dinner?

Later I thought to re-ask the question 'Why are we friends?' What is it about him that makes him worth my friendship?
- He is generous. He would do anything for his friends.
- I like attention, which (for some reason) he gives me
- He's really interesting. His gregariousness, which can sometimes come across as jerkiness, can instead be interpreted as charisma.
- I feel like he respects my choices, my values, who I am.
- I like doing things and having conversations with him.

Christmassy

I decorated my house for Christmas today. Success! Thanks for coming over to help, Friends. I value the time we spent together, the conversation we had, and the bond between us.

I am spending Christmas with my Dad's family (unfortunately), and my brother is too, so we are celebrating Christmas with Mom early - early like next weekend! So I had to get all that Christmas shopping done now! An early deadline means less time to procrastinate though; it makes me get it over with sooner. It feels kinda like having finals at the beginning of exam week - you have less time to study and prepare, but then you're home free while everyone else is still worrying.

Aloof

There's not much in my life that matters to me anymore.
There's not much that I'm afraid to lose. There's been too much loss, and now I expect it. It's all fleeting. Evanescent. I remember when there were so many things that were so important to me that I couldn't imagine living without them, and the thought of having to do so scared me so much. No longer.
There's not a lot that I care about. Not that I don't care about my friends - I mean things like virtue and character and spirituality and chastity. This is so unlike who I used to be.
But everything could very well be impossible. It's too hard to hope.
Anymore.

Visit

I don't want to go. I want to sleep in and read. I need to do some xmas shopping.
But Sat is bad for shopping.
Fri? Then go?

Katie. Candle party.
And Trevor. Breakfast.

Ermgh.

I'm not going.