Relationship Thoughts

Things in theory are different than things in practice. You can make great theories, but when you get close to the real thing, you sometimes see your theories dissolve. Throughout my time of singleness I've done a lot of thinking on relationships. The recent situation with Justin has renewed my perspective, though, and made me realize that a lot of my theoretical ideals don't fly in the real world.

~ I figured that it's not all that important (to me) to expect to marry the person I'm dating. I'd rather go into a relationship without such expectations so I'm more likely to make a fair assessment as we get to know each other of whether we really are well suited for each other. And in the meantime, you just have fun together. But I've been realizing that marriage really is worth thinking about before you begin dating someone, because you will either marry them or break up. And despite my last experience, breaking up isn't always pleasant - and you don't want to cause them pain. Once you start dating, it moves into the "potential for marriage" realm - it's not just filling time and keeping each other company. That's called "just being friends." I still don't think that I have to be sure I'll marry someone before I date them, and it doesn't have to be something we've talked about, but I should be able to see that as a possibility. Because it turns out that I don't know how to do something that's not serious if we're calling it a relationship.

~ Once you start talking about a relationship, it puts funny pressure on things. It has a different flavor than a friendship does - and that's kind of inevitable. It happens even when you think it won't. A boyfriend is different than a friend.

Some new thoughts and theories have come out of this new perspective. (Hopefully they'll still seem true from later points of view!)

~ Marriage (and even relationships) will always be hard, no matter who you're with. It's a choice to make it work, to make it good. But at the same time, that doesn't mean it doesn't matter who you pick. It will be more or less hard depending on how well you fit together. And you need to think about whether what you have with this person is enough to make you willing to put the hard work into making a good relationship.

~ I like building up to friendships/possible relationships. I like the excitement of flirting. I like it when a guy gives me attention because he wants to, not because he is obligated to because I'm his girlfriend. I don't expect the good things about a pre-relationship to actually last into a relationship...

~ Some people are friends who cuddle, friends with (some sort of physical) benefits. Do they just assume that the other person is on the same page and that the physical means nothing? Maybe they've talked it out and are both in agreement (or if they're not, they're willing to say they are. "Yeah, sure I don't 'like' you!"). I generally assume that physical contact means relationshippy things, but maybe that's not a common assumption and I am too eager with my "talks." I just don't want to encourage ideas that aren't true and hopes that aren't founded. I don't want to lead them on. I would like to hold hands without dating them, but I feel like that needs a talk to be okay.

~ That's the thing about asking for advice: your friends can tell you what they think, and what they have done in similar circumstances, but you never really know if that applies to your situation...

~ I have mixed feelings about exclusivity. On one hand, I would feel jealous if Justin was throwing popcorn at another girl, or if Patrick started having someone else over for movies. But I don't think that necessarily means I want to be more than friends with them - I just want to be a little bit special in their lives, and that is what we do together. I can be jealous for my friends. For instance, when two of my female friends started working together this summer I felt a little left out because they had something in common that I wasn't a part of. And while I feel kinda jealous, I don't act on that. It makes me sad, but I understand that friendships do not have a commitment clause.
At the same time, though, I don't want to feel like I have to be exclusive to only one guy. I really value all of my friendships with guys, and I don't want the promotion of one to be the ruin of the others. I guess that strengthening these friendships now, before I am in a relationship, means that they could last even if I got a boyfriend because they were around first. But I guess I also need to wonder whether we are just keeping each other company while we wait for the right one to come along, and if we'll have much left for each other when we're no longer single.

~ I'm nearing the point where if I'm not looking for a life-long relationship, it might not happen. Every other time period of history would already consider me an old maid. I'm starting to understand those desperate people who settle. Not that I'm desperate, just observant.

Relationship dissected: At it's most basic, a relationship seems to be...
Enjoying spending time with someone
+ Seeing a future together
+ A DTR conversation making it official (probably)