Happy Mardi Gras.
Shrove Tuesday makes me feel nostalgic. Today I remember times of good community when I was in school and my major would have a pancake feast together on Shrove Tuesday.
Now everything seems different. I am different and my world is different and the people surrounding me are different.
I'm not observing Lent this year.
And I think I've hit a point in my separation from God where I'm starting to feel sad about it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
More Miscellany
I find myself changing.
Either that or I'm losing myself.
I'm not really sure which it is.
I've been acting uncharacteristically. And I feel okay about that. At least I think I do. I could be wrong though; I could just think I think I do.
I've put a lot of emphasis on self discovery over the last many years. And I feel like I know myself so little. It feels futile. I can't even identify who I truly am.
el bien y la misericordia me seguiran
todos los dias de mi vida
This ran through my head today. I don't know why I still remember it, but I so clearly do. And in reaction I found myself thinking, "That's a big fat lie."
I'm thinking of buying a condo. I came across an ad in the newspaper today for a place I've driven by before, and that got this idea rolling. I tore the ad out of the paper and looked up the website when I got home. The floorplans look pretty good, they have washers/dryers, there's underground parking, there is a common area with a pool table, the prices start in the 160's which feels affordable to me, and I really really like the location. And at this stage in my life it seems appropriate to start thinking of owning my residence. But my lease here isn't over until October so nothing will happen soon. Still, I might stop by the sales office and look into it a little more.
o o o o o o o o o o o o
There's a prize for anyone who can decipher my cryptic "Currently" update:
o o o o o o o o o o o o
P.S. Cash training didn't turn out so well. Everything I did was great, but two people didn't show up and then halfway through our time the store got really busy so the managers squashed the cash training. Now these new cashiers are kinda trained, but they definitely still need some babysitting and I'm not sure when they will get that. I spent more time preparing than I spent actually training them, and I felt really disappointed.
Either that or I'm losing myself.
I'm not really sure which it is.
I've been acting uncharacteristically. And I feel okay about that. At least I think I do. I could be wrong though; I could just think I think I do.
I've put a lot of emphasis on self discovery over the last many years. And I feel like I know myself so little. It feels futile. I can't even identify who I truly am.
Remembering similar thoughts...
o o o o o o o o o o o oel bien y la misericordia me seguiran
todos los dias de mi vida
This ran through my head today. I don't know why I still remember it, but I so clearly do. And in reaction I found myself thinking, "That's a big fat lie."
Credits: Psalm 23:6
o o o o o o o o o o o oI'm thinking of buying a condo. I came across an ad in the newspaper today for a place I've driven by before, and that got this idea rolling. I tore the ad out of the paper and looked up the website when I got home. The floorplans look pretty good, they have washers/dryers, there's underground parking, there is a common area with a pool table, the prices start in the 160's which feels affordable to me, and I really really like the location. And at this stage in my life it seems appropriate to start thinking of owning my residence. But my lease here isn't over until October so nothing will happen soon. Still, I might stop by the sales office and look into it a little more.
o o o o o o o o o o o o
There's a prize for anyone who can decipher my cryptic "Currently" update:
((track-and-field-ing at work for a week))
o o o o o o o o o o o o
P.S. Cash training didn't turn out so well. Everything I did was great, but two people didn't show up and then halfway through our time the store got really busy so the managers squashed the cash training. Now these new cashiers are kinda trained, but they definitely still need some babysitting and I'm not sure when they will get that. I spent more time preparing than I spent actually training them, and I felt really disappointed.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Miscellany
I found it! I found a music note character that I can use on my blog!
When I journal on paper, I illustrate song lyrics with a basic music note like this one. That hasn't worked for blogging because the fonts are pretty limited, but now that no longer stands in the way. Yay!
(To share the secret: Even if a particular character isn't available in blogging fonts, you can often cut-and-paste it in from somewhere else. It worked for Greek, and it works for music.)
=;=;=;=;=;=;=
In other news, starting tomorrow morning I am the cash trainer at work. The other person who was doing cash training fell from grace, and since I was the most recent to "rise to grace" (in a strange effort to make parallel statements), coupled with their idea that I don't have enough extra tasks, I now train our new cashiers. I'm nervous about this; If they don't turn out well, I will be to blame. Also, I don't think I am good at teaching or training. Previous attempts (in another department) found me saying dumb things like "This is the sprayer. It, uh... sprays." I am pretty well prepared for this though. I made up a little five page manual of almost everything they need to know, and I even made a map of the till keyboard! I hope it goes well. I was going to make muffins too, but we need to be there in eight hours so I think I'll sleep instead.
=;=;=;=;=;=;=
Let me tell you about my friend Benz. He's funny and he's provided some enjoyment in my life lately. He's a friend from work, and he's eighteen, and he's currently my favorite person to be out on buggies with because he's easy to talk to and laugh with. We make up buggy songs (like "It's turtle speed!" to the tune of the Chicken Dance), and when that gets annoyingly stuck in our heads I say, "Well, at least it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood... for turtle speed!" which makes a strange medley no better than the one song by itself. I ask him about stuff going on in his life and occasionally tell him the reasons why I'm grumpy, and it's just nice to have someone I'm comfortable with.
Sadly, Benz is quitting. I oversaw his resignation form as soon as he handed it in, so at least I had ample warning. Then one day last week when I got to work he told me he had "bad" news - he was going to stick around for two more months. And I was so happy and I got my hopes all up. And then he told me it wasn't true and it was just a joke (yeah, he's funny like that). And then I pretty much cried. And then he felt bad, haha. But I was a little crazy to begin with last week. And now we bring this up every day or two and laugh.
Benz has been cashing a lot more lately, which makes him less available to come out for buggies with me. Today I requested him, but he was on till and he hadn't even had his break yet so I got Brydon instead. That was alright; he's possibly my second favorite. But as Brydon and I brought a load of buggies past the smoker's corner and up to the building we saw a familiar figure lighting up a cigarette, and we both said like four times "Benz doesn't smoke!" But he does today, because, as he explained, although this is rare for him, he was having a stressful day with a lot of rotten customers. And then I was kind of worried about Ben. Not because he was smoking, but because he was that stressed. So when my buggy time was over I went inside and volunteered to go out again IF I could have Benz as a partner. They said I didn't have to, someone else could go out, but I said I really wanted some quality time with Benz. To hear about his stress and to give him some time outside and to maybe say "I care" without so many words.
He told me the quirky story of one of his rotten customers later. He was using his hand scanner to scan this guy's meat because it wouldn't scan with the tabletop scanner, and the guy said, "Excuse me, can you stop doing that? You're getting all that radiation all over my perishables!" So Benz voided the meat off the order and then re-keyed it in manually, which satisfied the customer because he believed that taking the item off the receipt took the "radiation" out of his meat. I guess he's going to go home and eat it in the dark now to avoid more electromagnetic radiation. But I wonder how he gets around the fact that the cow ate grain that grew using the energy of the sun.
♫
When I journal on paper, I illustrate song lyrics with a basic music note like this one. That hasn't worked for blogging because the fonts are pretty limited, but now that no longer stands in the way. Yay!
(To share the secret: Even if a particular character isn't available in blogging fonts, you can often cut-and-paste it in from somewhere else. It worked for Greek, and it works for music.)
=;=;=;=;=;=;=
In other news, starting tomorrow morning I am the cash trainer at work. The other person who was doing cash training fell from grace, and since I was the most recent to "rise to grace" (in a strange effort to make parallel statements), coupled with their idea that I don't have enough extra tasks, I now train our new cashiers. I'm nervous about this; If they don't turn out well, I will be to blame. Also, I don't think I am good at teaching or training. Previous attempts (in another department) found me saying dumb things like "This is the sprayer. It, uh... sprays." I am pretty well prepared for this though. I made up a little five page manual of almost everything they need to know, and I even made a map of the till keyboard! I hope it goes well. I was going to make muffins too, but we need to be there in eight hours so I think I'll sleep instead.
=;=;=;=;=;=;=
Let me tell you about my friend Benz. He's funny and he's provided some enjoyment in my life lately. He's a friend from work, and he's eighteen, and he's currently my favorite person to be out on buggies with because he's easy to talk to and laugh with. We make up buggy songs (like "It's turtle speed!" to the tune of the Chicken Dance), and when that gets annoyingly stuck in our heads I say, "Well, at least it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood... for turtle speed!" which makes a strange medley no better than the one song by itself. I ask him about stuff going on in his life and occasionally tell him the reasons why I'm grumpy, and it's just nice to have someone I'm comfortable with.
Sadly, Benz is quitting. I oversaw his resignation form as soon as he handed it in, so at least I had ample warning. Then one day last week when I got to work he told me he had "bad" news - he was going to stick around for two more months. And I was so happy and I got my hopes all up. And then he told me it wasn't true and it was just a joke (yeah, he's funny like that). And then I pretty much cried. And then he felt bad, haha. But I was a little crazy to begin with last week. And now we bring this up every day or two and laugh.
Benz has been cashing a lot more lately, which makes him less available to come out for buggies with me. Today I requested him, but he was on till and he hadn't even had his break yet so I got Brydon instead. That was alright; he's possibly my second favorite. But as Brydon and I brought a load of buggies past the smoker's corner and up to the building we saw a familiar figure lighting up a cigarette, and we both said like four times "Benz doesn't smoke!" But he does today, because, as he explained, although this is rare for him, he was having a stressful day with a lot of rotten customers. And then I was kind of worried about Ben. Not because he was smoking, but because he was that stressed. So when my buggy time was over I went inside and volunteered to go out again IF I could have Benz as a partner. They said I didn't have to, someone else could go out, but I said I really wanted some quality time with Benz. To hear about his stress and to give him some time outside and to maybe say "I care" without so many words.
He told me the quirky story of one of his rotten customers later. He was using his hand scanner to scan this guy's meat because it wouldn't scan with the tabletop scanner, and the guy said, "Excuse me, can you stop doing that? You're getting all that radiation all over my perishables!" So Benz voided the meat off the order and then re-keyed it in manually, which satisfied the customer because he believed that taking the item off the receipt took the "radiation" out of his meat. I guess he's going to go home and eat it in the dark now to avoid more electromagnetic radiation. But I wonder how he gets around the fact that the cow ate grain that grew using the energy of the sun.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Opportunity
:: Do you love him?
:: W-what?
:: No, I, I just thought I'd ask the blunt question in case it was the right one and you needed someone to talk to about it and no one's ever asked you so you've never been able to talk about it even though you might have wanted to.
This was the only good thing that came out of the movie "Love Actually." Seriously, what is that movie? Something you need to pay a lot of attention to, I guess, and not just have on casually in the background. Like, there's a wedding, and then there's a funeral, and then Hugh Grant is the prime minister of England? Ehh?
But it's a nice idea to ask people questions in case they really want to talk about them. I'm usually afraid to ask in case they don't want to talk - but maybe they are just waiting for someone to listen.
And I guess it was sweet when he knocked on every door on the street looking for her house.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Invited
So I got invited to a wedding. And I feel awkward and I'm not sure what to do.
They're people from work. We've hung out a few times and had a good time, and we have some mutual friends.
But he's on the jerk list. And I'm not very close to her.
I have their address and I'm nice so I sent them a Christmas card. And in response a few weeks later they gave me a Christmas card with a "save the date" card enclosed. They wrote some sort of an apology about this being last minute (the wedding isn't until June, but I guess wedding timelines are different) but said that they enjoy my company at this time so they'd be honored to have me at their wedding. And I didn't believe them. I thought they just felt obligated to invite me since I sent them a Christmas card. Justin read it and told me that it sounded really nice and sincere; I was just being paranoid. I agree that it's possible that my suspicions have more to do with my feelings than their intentions. But knowing that I might be wrong doesn't erase my doubts.
Today I got a real invitation (and it's such a cool invitation!), which brought the issue back up. "Request the honor of your presence." Really? Do they really mean this to me? Do I go because they say they want me there? Or do I decline because I suspect that we are not actually very important to each other? Would going be a vote for our friendship - a step in us becoming important to each other? And maybe a chance for me to get over my problem with them/him?
Other considerations: the wedding is in Saskatchewan. But I could go with Patrick, and stay with him, and I need a reason to take vacation anyways. I think I heard them say that it's going to be kind of a home-spun affair which means that each guest isn't going to cost them very much, so my presence won't be a big imposition. They said I'm welcome to bring a guest, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
I'm unsettled at the thought of going to this wedding. And I don't think that's just because it's theirs - I think I'm unsettled by the thought of weddings and marriage in general. It's hard to celebrate the joy and rightness that other people have found together when it just hilights what is lacking in my own life. Don't get me wrong, I really like being with Justin, and I don't want to get married any time in the foreseeable future. But I think that when I'm faced with people getting married, I notice my own lack of hope that my life will ever be that good, will ever be that right. Maybe the reason I'm not interested in marriage is because I am afraid to hope. If I don't dream those dreams can't crumble.
Sigh.
They're people from work. We've hung out a few times and had a good time, and we have some mutual friends.
But he's on the jerk list. And I'm not very close to her.
I have their address and I'm nice so I sent them a Christmas card. And in response a few weeks later they gave me a Christmas card with a "save the date" card enclosed. They wrote some sort of an apology about this being last minute (the wedding isn't until June, but I guess wedding timelines are different) but said that they enjoy my company at this time so they'd be honored to have me at their wedding. And I didn't believe them. I thought they just felt obligated to invite me since I sent them a Christmas card. Justin read it and told me that it sounded really nice and sincere; I was just being paranoid. I agree that it's possible that my suspicions have more to do with my feelings than their intentions. But knowing that I might be wrong doesn't erase my doubts.
Today I got a real invitation (and it's such a cool invitation!), which brought the issue back up. "Request the honor of your presence." Really? Do they really mean this to me? Do I go because they say they want me there? Or do I decline because I suspect that we are not actually very important to each other? Would going be a vote for our friendship - a step in us becoming important to each other? And maybe a chance for me to get over my problem with them/him?
Other considerations: the wedding is in Saskatchewan. But I could go with Patrick, and stay with him, and I need a reason to take vacation anyways. I think I heard them say that it's going to be kind of a home-spun affair which means that each guest isn't going to cost them very much, so my presence won't be a big imposition. They said I'm welcome to bring a guest, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
I'm unsettled at the thought of going to this wedding. And I don't think that's just because it's theirs - I think I'm unsettled by the thought of weddings and marriage in general. It's hard to celebrate the joy and rightness that other people have found together when it just hilights what is lacking in my own life. Don't get me wrong, I really like being with Justin, and I don't want to get married any time in the foreseeable future. But I think that when I'm faced with people getting married, I notice my own lack of hope that my life will ever be that good, will ever be that right. Maybe the reason I'm not interested in marriage is because I am afraid to hope. If I don't dream those dreams can't crumble.
Sigh.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Separation
The whole situation with God kinda feels like a separation. And during a separation it seems fair to meet periodically to sort things out - to articulate what the problems were and possibly attempt to rectify them. To dicern where you're at now.
It's hard. It's easy to get distracted, and it's difficult to carve out the time when I'm also in the mood to deal with painful matters.
But I'm on a three hour trip alone right now. Maybe some of this time can become that. (Last night as I laid in bed waiting to fall asleep I thought about doing this on the drive home today, and my stomach clenched in anxiety.)
A friend in a similar place has offered some descriptions that feel true to me too. She says that Donald Miller says that spirituality should be like falling in love with God. But... sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes people just aren't meant for each other? Surely God is meant for everybody, but to be honest it sure doesn't feel like it. It's kind of a relief to admit that it's not working. I think I would have an easier time at religion if we didn't expect it to be a relationship. If it was just fulfilling an obligatory ritual, I might still be okay with it. I guess the relational aspect is where the beauty comes from - but also the heartache.
My depression played a big part in causing this separation. After feeling awful for so long, after praying and begging and hoping for healing, and after some serious bouts of not liking or wanting life, I had to give up on the closely held belief that God is good and a friend who's intimately involved in my life. I began to wonder what difference his presence in my life actually makes. Maybe I pretended it wasn't so for a while, but real damage had been done to the relationship.
In many ways, my depression problems have been better lately than they were in the past. Maybe this is the long awaited healing? But this is a place where God and I can't be together. This quasi-healing is at the cost of spirituality.
My ex and I broke up because towards the end all I did was cry whenever we'd talk, for hours and hours. Over the past few years, talking to God (that is, prayer) has made me cry as well. I remember the last SpTh retreat I went on when I cried the whole time, from the first night we shared evening prayers. When I start crying, we start breaking up, and similarities between God and my unhealthy relationship with my ex make me nervous. I used to say that if my boyfriend treated me like I felt God did, the healthy choice would be to break up.
So where are we now? Not friends. We don't talk. And I feel happier this way.
It's hard. It's easy to get distracted, and it's difficult to carve out the time when I'm also in the mood to deal with painful matters.
But I'm on a three hour trip alone right now. Maybe some of this time can become that. (Last night as I laid in bed waiting to fall asleep I thought about doing this on the drive home today, and my stomach clenched in anxiety.)
A friend in a similar place has offered some descriptions that feel true to me too. She says that Donald Miller says that spirituality should be like falling in love with God. But... sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes people just aren't meant for each other? Surely God is meant for everybody, but to be honest it sure doesn't feel like it. It's kind of a relief to admit that it's not working. I think I would have an easier time at religion if we didn't expect it to be a relationship. If it was just fulfilling an obligatory ritual, I might still be okay with it. I guess the relational aspect is where the beauty comes from - but also the heartache.
My depression played a big part in causing this separation. After feeling awful for so long, after praying and begging and hoping for healing, and after some serious bouts of not liking or wanting life, I had to give up on the closely held belief that God is good and a friend who's intimately involved in my life. I began to wonder what difference his presence in my life actually makes. Maybe I pretended it wasn't so for a while, but real damage had been done to the relationship.
In many ways, my depression problems have been better lately than they were in the past. Maybe this is the long awaited healing? But this is a place where God and I can't be together. This quasi-healing is at the cost of spirituality.
My ex and I broke up because towards the end all I did was cry whenever we'd talk, for hours and hours. Over the past few years, talking to God (that is, prayer) has made me cry as well. I remember the last SpTh retreat I went on when I cried the whole time, from the first night we shared evening prayers. When I start crying, we start breaking up, and similarities between God and my unhealthy relationship with my ex make me nervous. I used to say that if my boyfriend treated me like I felt God did, the healthy choice would be to break up.
So where are we now? Not friends. We don't talk. And I feel happier this way.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Gushy
I hate "gushy." I hate it when the concern expressed for a problem inspires self pity and makes that problem worse. I hate it when instead of lending strength, a person's response saps it.
I saw this today when the young women's president of my Grandma's church (ie. the junior high youth leader) came with a couple of girls to visit Oma. She was gushy. "Ohhhhh - are you okay????" A lot of it is tone of voice - long, drawn out, melodic, full of pity, hard to replicate in writing. Oma didn't seem to mind, but if it was me I would have been squirming. (I was close to squirming when she asked me how old I am and whether I am married.) The way we offer sympathy should encourage the hurting person - acknowledge their difficulties but help them move beyond them. There's a fine line.
>>>>>>>>>>
I guess that gushy is just an extreme version of compassion - sympathy expressed badly. So it's not all bad... And I'm glad for all the support my Oma has in her life right now. People are constantly stopping by with food and telling her to call them if she needs anything ("if you need help getting into bed tonight, just let me know and I'll come tuck you in!").
She's doing okay. She got out of the hospital on Monday (after a week), and she's at home now. She's getting around with a walker and making sure that anywhere she sits is above knee level so she'll be able to get back up. Every day is better than the last. On top of the help of her neighbours and the people in her church, she has a home care nurse and some other girl who comes to help her with chores. Her attitude is good, and although she says this is the worst thing she's gone through, she's going to be okay.
I saw this today when the young women's president of my Grandma's church (ie. the junior high youth leader) came with a couple of girls to visit Oma. She was gushy. "Ohhhhh - are you okay????" A lot of it is tone of voice - long, drawn out, melodic, full of pity, hard to replicate in writing. Oma didn't seem to mind, but if it was me I would have been squirming. (I was close to squirming when she asked me how old I am and whether I am married.) The way we offer sympathy should encourage the hurting person - acknowledge their difficulties but help them move beyond them. There's a fine line.
>>>>>>>>>>
I guess that gushy is just an extreme version of compassion - sympathy expressed badly. So it's not all bad... And I'm glad for all the support my Oma has in her life right now. People are constantly stopping by with food and telling her to call them if she needs anything ("if you need help getting into bed tonight, just let me know and I'll come tuck you in!").
She's doing okay. She got out of the hospital on Monday (after a week), and she's at home now. She's getting around with a walker and making sure that anywhere she sits is above knee level so she'll be able to get back up. Every day is better than the last. On top of the help of her neighbours and the people in her church, she has a home care nurse and some other girl who comes to help her with chores. Her attitude is good, and although she says this is the worst thing she's gone through, she's going to be okay.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Leaning
The other day Anson and I went out for a quick lunch on our lunch break, and we had a refreshingly good talk. I don't remember what I talked about, but I remember some of the things he said. He mentioned that his last girlfriend had bulimia, and that was really crappy for him. As a result, now he's afraid to get too emotionally involved with anyone. He's not opposed to sleeping with girls, but then he gets all distant to avoid any emotional attachment and they end up feeling used. I told him he's a jerk. And he agreed.
Our conversation made me think about how we can lean too hard on others, particularly on our significant others, when we are not well. I don't want to do that.
Our conversation made me think about how we can lean too hard on others, particularly on our significant others, when we are not well. I don't want to do that.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Spice Club
Since I tend to shop in bulk, I have an abundance of some things that I would love to share with you! Let me know if you could use any...
1. Granulated Garlic
2. Oregano
3. Montreal Chicken Spice
4. Extra Large Eggs
5. Ibuprofen
6. Tandoori Masala
7. Garam Masala
8. Regular Rice
9. Brown Sugar
1. Granulated Garlic
2. Oregano
3. Montreal Chicken Spice
4. Extra Large Eggs
5. Ibuprofen
6. Tandoori Masala
7. Garam Masala
8. Regular Rice
9. Brown Sugar
Monday, February 2, 2009
Oma
So, Dad called me today to let me know that my grandma is in the hospital. She fell this afternoon at my aunt's house and probably broke something, and they had to call an ambulance. Dad didn't have all the details, it sounds like nothing was confirmed, but he mentioned something about a hip or a femur. Such strange, strange news.
Oma is one of those people who is young at heart. She doesn't seem old. But she has been fading over the past few years, maybe I just haven't wanted to see it. And really, she is old. And breaking major bones can mean the beginning of the end for the elderly. I can't imagine that for her though.
I have the next two days off. Oma lives about three hours away. I could go and visit tomorrow. I thought about it. But I had some plans for my days off. I really want to sleep in tomorrow and eat bananas and ice cream for breakfast. Justin and I had just finished planning to make butter chicken tomorrow when I got the call. A friend gave me tickets today for a sneak movie premiere on Wed night. And I think I'm deciding not to go visit Oma this week. Maybe next week. Maybe I'll wait for more news first.
I kinda feel guilty for this decision. Am I completely selfish for not visiting my sick grandma at the first opportunity? Especially since my plans aren't the sort that can't be broken? Really, butter chicken will still exist next week. Visiting, and visiting soon, is the kind of thing a good granddaughter would do. But I've also learned that I need to listen to myself. If I feel overwhelmed and grumpy towards the idea of going right away, maybe I should just stay home and plan to go a little later. Plus, maybe it would be better if I waited for more details to find out how serious it is, and wait for things to settle down a little. Maybe if I go now I'll just be in the way.
Dad asked me to pray. That's one of the sad things of not being friends with God anymore - beseeching God with faith and hope on someone's behalf is a beautiful thing to be able to do for that person, and something that seems unavailable when you're not talking to God. I miss being able give other people the gift of praying for them.
Update 02/03/09: She broke her collarbone and her hip. Because of the whole "old hips don't heal" thing, she gets hip replacement surgery this afternoon! I guess everything will eventually be okay. But in the meantime there will be a whole lot of hassle for them. A broken collarbone rules out crutches. She won't do so well at living alone in her apartment for quite some time. I wonder how long they'll keep her in the hospital. She might have to live with my aunt for a while.
Oma is one of those people who is young at heart. She doesn't seem old. But she has been fading over the past few years, maybe I just haven't wanted to see it. And really, she is old. And breaking major bones can mean the beginning of the end for the elderly. I can't imagine that for her though.
I have the next two days off. Oma lives about three hours away. I could go and visit tomorrow. I thought about it. But I had some plans for my days off. I really want to sleep in tomorrow and eat bananas and ice cream for breakfast. Justin and I had just finished planning to make butter chicken tomorrow when I got the call. A friend gave me tickets today for a sneak movie premiere on Wed night. And I think I'm deciding not to go visit Oma this week. Maybe next week. Maybe I'll wait for more news first.
I kinda feel guilty for this decision. Am I completely selfish for not visiting my sick grandma at the first opportunity? Especially since my plans aren't the sort that can't be broken? Really, butter chicken will still exist next week. Visiting, and visiting soon, is the kind of thing a good granddaughter would do. But I've also learned that I need to listen to myself. If I feel overwhelmed and grumpy towards the idea of going right away, maybe I should just stay home and plan to go a little later. Plus, maybe it would be better if I waited for more details to find out how serious it is, and wait for things to settle down a little. Maybe if I go now I'll just be in the way.
Dad asked me to pray. That's one of the sad things of not being friends with God anymore - beseeching God with faith and hope on someone's behalf is a beautiful thing to be able to do for that person, and something that seems unavailable when you're not talking to God. I miss being able give other people the gift of praying for them.
Update 02/03/09: She broke her collarbone and her hip. Because of the whole "old hips don't heal" thing, she gets hip replacement surgery this afternoon! I guess everything will eventually be okay. But in the meantime there will be a whole lot of hassle for them. A broken collarbone rules out crutches. She won't do so well at living alone in her apartment for quite some time. I wonder how long they'll keep her in the hospital. She might have to live with my aunt for a while.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
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