Lucas

So as I previously mentioned, the pastor officiating Katie & Patrick's wedding used to be a close professor of mine. I went to a little school, so you really had a chance to get to know some of your profs. Lucas and I went on a mission trip to Mexico together, where he lent me a blanket. I helped out with the neighbourhood kids club he hosted with his wife. He taught me College 101, Life of Christ, Small Group Leadership, and Teaching Children. It was him I consulted about speaking in chapel about depression, and after that short query I ended up spending the rest of the lunch hour in his office, telling him about the issues going on in my family. He even offered to be a father-figure to me. And I remember how much I cried when he told us he was leaving. He was important to me.

Since then I've lost touch. Well, I still know where he works and lives, and I could probably find his phone number - but I haven't known what to say so I haven't said anything. I'm a different person now that the one he knew. She loved Jesus, and sought to be a woman of prayer and humility. I have given up - and along with giving up religion, I felt like I had to give up most of my Christian acquaintances. What would we have in common anymore?

For this reason I was apprehensive about seeing him again, apprehensive about what to say. It turned out to be okay. He accidentally called me Denise, but then told me about how he often thinks of me and appreciated how I was always so nice to him. And beyond that there wasn't much more time for conversation. We never got into the intense "how are you" that I dreaded. And everyone agreed that he was the most adorable wedding pastor ever.

He invited me to stay in touch. A part of me wants to, but a part of me still doesn't know what to say. And this situation made me realize that this guardedness defines not only renewed connections with old acquaintances, but many of my relationships - and even myself. I am too tired for/of reflection and introspection to be able to put much effort into it, and that just leaves me floating on the surface. I'm not even able to wish for more. I feel awkward talking with those who haven't seen my progression because I don't want to dwell on what lies beneath the surface, and I am not entirely comfortable with it. When I don't disillusion them, though, they are led to believe that I am the same as I was when they knew me - and that just becomes deceitful. I don't want to keep people at arm's length... except I do.

Dear Starbucks,

Dear Starbucks,

I love you. You are better than Tim Hortons because, although your drinks are exponentially more expensive and their tea is good too, when I need somewhere to go and sit, to work and think, they are not welcoming. They have hard chairs in which I must sit up straight, and they put up those "20 minutes or it's loitering" signs that make me so sad. You're even better than the library, because I can't have beverages there, and I have to sit up straight and keep my feet on the floor. When I come visit you, I can curl up in a comfy chair and stay as long as I want - and use the internet! You're the bestest, and I'm grateful.

Love,
Michelle

Completed Projects

Over the past few months, I have been busy with several knitting/crocheting projects. I'm quite proud of the results, so let me tell you about them!

This elephant baby blanket is for a friend's new baby. I tried hard to finish the blanket before the baby was born, and I think I did, but I haven't seen my friend since so it is still waiting to be given. This friend also knits and crochets, so I always feel like projects I give to her need to be more advanced than what I might give other friends - although I'm sure she'd still be grateful, she would see right through a basic project that would 'wow' most other people. This spurs on my creativity. I didn't have a pattern for this - I made it up. In knitting, there are two different textures you can make, depending on whether you "push the bumps to the back" or "pull the bumps to the front." That difference in textures is what made the elephant (it is all the same colour, despite the differences in the pictures). I figured out what to do when by tracing a pattern on graph paper off a computer screen. It took a long time, and there are a bazillion stitches, but it's an achievement I'm proud of!

I made this aphgan for Katie and Patrick for their wedding:

I've made this pattern once before, seven years ago, and I was really impressed by how much I remembered! I would consult the pattern about what to do next, but instead of fighting to understand crazy pattern language, I just remembered what that meant. Yay!
I started making this blanket with plenty of time - so much that I had time to take a break and work on other things (like the baby aphgan). By the time I finally came back to it I no longer had plenty of time, and this was the project that I was frantically finishing at the last possible moment, Thursday night before the wedding. So much intense crocheting (with tension a bit too tight) put a lot of pressure on my ring finger, and the next morning my finger was still numb! I've had to slow down my crafting this last week, because it turns out that I hold my crochet hooks and knitting needles in the exact same spot on that finger, and I think I dented a nerve or something.

I also made the gift I gave Katie for one of her showers last month: a dishcloth flower arrangement. I made her a bunch of dishcloths, folded them into flowers, and stuck them in a flowerpot along with some dish soap. Someone told me that it was one of the most creative shower gifts they'd ever seen, and I felt proud to hear that.

Books Read - Spring 2011

7. The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton**

6. Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson

5. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte*

4. The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

3. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen by Paul Torday

2. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte*

1. The Heart of Midlothian by Sir Walter Scott*

Wedding

Katie and Patrick were married on the weekend. The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was at the house Katie grew up in. Unfortunately, however, rain sprinkled on us throughout the outdoor ceremony and poured intermittently throughout the rest of the afternoon. This hampered the wedding picture plans; between the rain and time constraints, after posing on the verandah at the house we only ventured out for pictures at Starbucks (that's so Katie) and Rona (a last minute idea because they had an indoor garden center). I think the pictures could turn out pretty neat, though, and I hope Katie and Patrick are happy with them. Their wedding cake was adorable: inspired by "Up," it was the house with the balloons coming out the chimney, and the adorable old couple sitting on a bench in the front yard. Altogether it was a beautiful day.

This happy occasion made me recognize just how much of a hard time I am having at being happy. I feel like I just have no capacity for it. I stood in the ceremony, remembering what it would have felt like to be emotionally invested in the situation, to feel like I am supporting the significant moment. I conjured a glimmer of that feeling, but I mostly found myself up against a deep, sickening exhaustion.

I kept wondering why they chose me to be part of their wedding party, and fearing that I wasn't carrying my weight. What was my role as a bridesmaid? Well, I provided a location for the first part of the stagette; I was the table-guard at the bar for the second part of the stagette; I recorded the gifts Katie received at both showers, the stagette, and the gift opening; I made the signs guiding people to the ceremony; and I walked down the aisle with Ron during the recessional. And, oh yeah, I was significant in getting the couple together. Not that it was my intention to be a matchmaker, but they were both my friends first, then we all started hanging out together, and then they started dating. My feelings of not deserving the honour of standing up with them is rooted more in paranoia than reality.