Books Read - Winter 2011

10. Thirteen at Dinner by by Agatha Christie**

9. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley*

8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen*

7. Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster*
6. Thanks for the Memories by Cecelia Ahern
5. Speaking Out: Ideas That Work for Canadians by Jack Layton
4. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
3. Persuasion by Jane Austen***
2. What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell**
1. Among the Shadows by L.M. Montgomery

* In partial fulfilment of my correspondence course (Nineteenth Century English Literature)

** In partial fulfilment of my New Year's Reading Goals (inspired by Mara)

*** Read in tandem with friends

RTW

What to expect on my return to work:

//// My manager is my enemy

- I'm not used to having enemies

- "love your enemies"
- no spite on my side - and no expectations

- no efforts for friendliness - though very civil

- but... will a lack of cheer on my side just make things worse? perpetuate a spiral?

- and what about necessary interactions?

- enemy = doesn't watch out for my best interest - but that's her job...

//// 2 significant errors by my coworker

- I may have made one myself before I left - she isn't the only one

- everything can be fixed

//// 4 audit issues by my coworker

//// 3 exasperating situations with managers

//// My coworker will be my equal - covering my absence was her rite of passage

- it works better when there is a slight hierarchy, though...

I don't want to!

But it probably won't be as bad as I fear... especially if my expectations are really low.

Self-Interrogation

What's the problem?

--- My manager doesn't like me.

Why is that a problem?

--- I want everyone to like me.

But not everyone does.

--- If someone doesn't like me, they don't want me around. I am a negative thing to them - a curse. They see me in a negative light, and will interpret and misunderstand me that way. I become what they see me as - unlikeable.

--- This isn't a big deal if the feeling is mutual or if I can disregard their peripheral role in my life.

--- This is painful when continuing contact with the person is required, and it provides continual reminders.

Here's the flaw: "If they don't like me, I am unlikeable."

--- I recognize that there is a flaw here, but I can't dismiss it.

--- "People are continually teaching me how I deserve to be treated."

--- I'm not strong enough, and I feel crushed by the weight of the effort.

Counter argument: Playing by the same rules, if someone does like me, then I am likeable.

--- I guess it balances out.

INTRINSIC

...

?

Also... inadmissible.

Tax Party

I'm really glad we've started a tradition of doing our taxes together. =)

J'attends.

Waiting.

Silent.

Only the buzzing of the lights.

Angst.

Someone else enters.

Silent.

Except all his noises of existence and coffee.

Loud.

Waiting.

But I had an appointment!

Confession: I was late.

But less than a tenth as late as they are

so far.

Frustration?

A door opens down the hall.

Is it time?

I guess not.

Waiting too long

in a sub-par waiting room

doesn't promote my mental health

and doesn't promote the success of this meeting.

My companion gets called in.

His noises can no longer frustrate me,

but I feel passed by.

Does it say more or less about my wellbeing:

this is not the first

but the fifth

place I've flirted with tears today?

A family enters.

They talk and the kid's phone meows and he teaches his mom to play plants versus zombies.

They receive their summons too.

Fifty eight minutes.

I finally accost the next staff I see.

The verdict: "Late/Cancelled."

But, but - Only three minutes!

She's really never coming for me.

Eventually they suggest

that the appointment had originally been someone else's -

someone who cancelled.

That's why it was available for me.

But it was never assigned to me.

My name was never written down.

Seventy five minutes.

I leave in tears

and cry through the streets.

Ouch.

This took bravery,

and it was wasted.

For this I missed a friend,

and that was wasted.

And I'm running out of options

that haven't been tarnished.

Misunderstandings

The thing about misunderstandings - when I mean to say one thing, but you take it as something else - is that our relationship is affected by how it is received, not by what is given. I become the person who said what you think I did. And it doesn't matter how much I have intended the opposite. This grieves me.