Retreat

I am noticing within myself a gradual withdrawal from the world. From socialness. (I was phrasing it "from life," but that started to get dangerous-ish.) I'm not so interested in making a lot of social plans, and I'm not excited about big events. I imagine it's just a phase. I kinda credit it to being satisfied just spending time with Justin - my default has gone from being alone to hanging out with him, so I don't have alone-ness to motivate me to make other plans. This was okay when I first noticed it, but in the last few days it's adopted a bit of a crazy flavor...

Tonight we had our work xmas party. I wasn't really excited about it; it snuck up on me and the size of the affair made me feel withdrawn. Justin was coming with me and I wondered how that would be, and I couldn't help but remember how last year's even precipitated an extremely bad next day.
I guess it was okay. I didn't really have a great time. Yeah, it was fun to see everyone dressed up and chat over dinner. But when the dancing started I felt like a wallflower. I was afraid to dance, my heart lacked the energy, and I shied away from the attention. Everyone else was having fun, and I was on the outside.
We left early. I tried to find Katie to say goodbye, but she wasn't around anywhere. So I texted her to let her know I was leaving - and it turns out she was already gone. She didn't say goodbye to me... I guess she had to leave quickly because all the cool kids were heading off to the bar, and that's something of an excuse, but it still makes me sad. I tried to say goodbye to her...

What made me cry on the drive home was thinking that they care.
And they do. Had anyone known how I was feeling, they would have taken the time to show it.
Because they're nice.
And because I'm worth it.
Why does that hurt?