Honest Connections

Today was a day of some honesty:

Coffee with Abel.
He's always been the one that I talk things out with, especially if they're religious things, especially if they're not so "acceptable." And right now I have some stuff going on that I needed to talk about. Although it was great to see him and go for coffee once again, it wasn't a long-anticipated conversation at all because I had kinda forgotten my Christmas traveling plans would make it a possibility. I didn't think about him until I was on the way, didn't call him until I got into town. I'm lucky he was free (although he seems to make me a priority when I'm around... and then I seem to expect him to...). I'm glad he was; it was so good to put some of the things floating around in my head into words, to articulate and clarify them to myself as I shared them with him. I felt good when I left.

Christmas with my cousin.
We used to be close, but then a few years ago I stopped writing after she pressed too hard regarding my underlying issues that I didn't want to talk about. Now I've missed out on some really significant events in her life, and I feel guilty. I was nervous about seeing her, about spending Christmas together. So when I wrote her a Christmas card last night, I decided to address the distance between us. I apologized for my silence. I remembered something that she once wrote to me about pulling inward during times of her own personal pain, and I said it felt like that describes me too - but that I'm not able to talk about it (because this was an apology, an attempt to offer some understanding, but not an invitation to delve into it). And I thanked her for being someone who has been important in my life. We exchanged a sympathetic smile as she read this, and later we had a really good talk about other stuff as we rolled cookies.

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Other thoughts (not on the topic of vulnerability)

requition (requited) - reciprocal - equal, fair, deserved
It feels really awkward when they give me more than I have given them. When at the last minute I write kind words in a card and and toss in a small chocolate bar, in return for their fancy gift basket or big tin of popcorn. And they receive it with such excitement! Not that I expected it to be any other way - they always shop for me; I never shop for them. We're just not that close, and I feel that gifts should be some reflection of the relationship. I guess they were taught to be more generous than I was. Even the 10 year old had something for everyone.

Families
What makes a good family, when you set out to make one one? All my cousins (but one) are married with kids, and seeing their interactions just made me wonder. They probably put on a good face for Christmas and they're not exactly as happy as I imagine them to be. But they are making it work, and building families. The concept seems bizarre to me.