Tour! So far, it's okay. Here's some little updates:
- my bus buddy is Evelyn. I like that; she is warm and sweet.
- I'm reading Hind's Feet on High Places and it's pretty good.
- I went to the Mall of America in Minneapolis, and I spent lots of money at Bath & Body Works.
- we named our treasurer's bag Petey, and we treat him like our child. (He's about as valuable as one!) I am often preoccupied with his wellbeing. I like being a treasurer because although it means I have to carry around a heavy bag/child, it means I am trusted.
- I found this phrase interesting: "your participation in the gospel" Philippians 1:5 NASB
- Carolyn and I pray together most mornings. I like that.
- on Mon I wrote: "The darkness is lighter. The intro to O Sacred Head is like where I live, but I am on a vacation. So far. It's a little strange - to be away from home in both the literal and metaphorical sense."
- so far on tour I had been doing great, but today I found myself in the beginning of a downswing. It's hard to be around people. It's hard to want to be around people. I don't want to participate in things, but then I feel left out when I don't. It's hard to feel loving and loved. It's awkward and it feels awful. Actually, it feels more familiar. It'll be okay.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Currently, in April...
- graduating! graduated!
- writing my thesis! (Apr 1-7)
- happy to be finished my thesis! (Apr 8-30)
- back to the Testament of Job (Apr 9-14)
- beyond the Testament of Job, moving on to the Greek paper
(hooray for extensions!) (Apr 14-23)
- finished all my homework! (Apr 23-30)
- listening to old school Relient K (Apr 3-9)
(my seventeen magazine tells me that you're in love!)
- enjoying "Friends" Season 2 (Apr 10-)
- playing hostess (Apr 17-26)
- apprehensive about going on tour (Apr 8-26)
- on tour (Apr 26-)
- looking for license plate #046 (Apr 1-4); #047 (Apr 4-6); #049 (Apr 6-8); #050 (Apr 8-15); #051 (Apr 15-21); #52 (Apr 22-24); #53 (Apr 24-25); #54 (Apr 25-30)
- writing my thesis! (Apr 1-7)
- happy to be finished my thesis! (Apr 8-30)
- back to the Testament of Job (Apr 9-14)
- beyond the Testament of Job, moving on to the Greek paper
(hooray for extensions!) (Apr 14-23)
- finished all my homework! (Apr 23-30)
- listening to old school Relient K (Apr 3-9)
(my seventeen magazine tells me that you're in love!)
- enjoying "Friends" Season 2 (Apr 10-)
- playing hostess (Apr 17-26)
- apprehensive about going on tour (Apr 8-26)
- on tour (Apr 26-)
- looking for license plate #046 (Apr 1-4); #047 (Apr 4-6); #049 (Apr 6-8); #050 (Apr 8-15); #051 (Apr 15-21); #52 (Apr 22-24); #53 (Apr 24-25); #54 (Apr 25-30)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Bucket of Memories
It's the little things that I'll miss when I leave this academic chapter of my life. 
Impromptu meetings. Running into friends and running out for coffee. Planned times together while we're both still students. Et cetera. So I'm going to try to collect these memories in a little bucket, both so I can look back on them later and so that I notice them as valuable at the time.
09/19/07 Going out for breakfast with Almeda on moving day. Sitting at Smitty's and talking about goals for the year.
10/02/07 Sitting in the park with Shawn drinking slurpees on a cool and windy but sunny day. Talking about theology and Catholicism. Respecting him for what I hadn't known how to see in him before.
10/07 Singing in choir.
10/08/07 Just hanging around in the lounge during a class break. Seeing friends doing the same thing. Talking to Carolyn about things going on in our lives. Listening. Getting her advice on recipes.
10/12/07 Standing on the porch in Montana in the dark with Amanda. Drinking tea and singing "Lord Have Mercy." Sharing a room and going to sleep with gratitude for this faithful friendship that has given me a tour buddy, a vacation buddy, a retreat buddy.
10/07 Mailboxes. Checking my mailbox in hope that there is something new in there. Having an easy place to put notes and cards for my friends, so that there will be something new when they check it.
10/26/07 Billeting with Melissa W on mini tour in the place with the amazing quilts. Sitting on my bed together and talking after our billets had gone to sleep. Being able to call people dear friends, and to have them list me as a close friend, even though we've never spent much time together. Making plans to have tea parties and take walks with Melissa.
10/27/07 Spending free time in Kelowna with Amanda and Danaya. Perusing the discount bookstore. Eating lunch at a bakery where the food was wonderful. Gathering leaves.
11/01/07 Having a Spaghetti Party. People thinking that's great, not weird. Being able to expect that everyone's free at dinner time.
11/10/07 Dancing and hanging out with Heather and Ashlee at Almeda & Brian's wedding. Commenting on how we would never expect the three of us to be doing this together, to be building friendships this way.
11/20/07 Having a great conversation about Irenaeus, etc, with Eric in the library. Being somewhere where people know who Irenaeus is.
11/21/07 Having people around with whom I can be honest when I am not well. Sharing about family struggles with Melissa B when we saw each other during a class break. Her taking the time to pray then and there for me and the situation. Sharing again with Almeda in the lounge soon after. Being able to say it is awful and without feeling the need to resolve the situation to happiness by the end of the conversation.
11/22/07 Hearing Melissa W say "I love you!" to me on my way out of the school.
11/26/07 Leaving the school a few steps behind Devin, and him stopping and turning around with a smile when he saw me, happy to see me.
11/27/07 Walking into school as Freddy had just walked by. Him turning around (without breaking his stride) to come and give me a big hug and hello.
12/04/07 How Jeremy calls me girl. "See ya later, girl."
12/07/07 Hugs from Freddy. How he holds me tight and all is safe there.
12/07/07 Being in a place where I can trust people to love me. (Thanks for that tonight, Danaya and Stephi.)
01/14/08 Talking to Shawn in the hallway, and him realizing that I was what had been missing in his plans the night before. Thanking him for having a place for me in his life. Him admitting that it's not a big place, but saying that it can get bigger.
01/15/08 How Barry felt like it was important to tell me personally that he was leaving.
01/16/08 The motivation to read interesting things that I probably wouldn't read on my own, like the history of the Jews and the Apocrypha.
01/17/08 A dessert, movie, and games night with Danaya and Amanda. Having people who care to be around me even when I'm sick.
01/18/08 Mealey telling me that he was pleased to see my friend and I in his class. Being respected and considered intelligent by my professors.
02/08 Lunch after class on Fridays at Pizza Hut with May Lee, Shawn, Amanda, etc.
02/11/08 Seeing Ashlee around and having a chance to chat. Talking about boys and Lent. Hoping to go for coffee soon.
02/11/08 Being honest with Carolyn about how I'm really feeling. Having a friend who values being honest more than being polite. Seeing myself more clearly as I articulate matters to her, and feeling like I've touched something real. Finding myself identifying the school's foyer as the place where I cry with Carolyn.
02/25/08 Going to Wendy's for lunch with Amanda after NT Backgrounds class. Impromptu. Enjoyed.
02/08 Dinners with Amanda and Danaya.
03/09/08 Talking in my car with Amanda outside the restaurant after everyone else had gone home, and how that brought such a good end to the night.
04/01/08 Spending lunchtimes in the Pygmy hanging out with Jess, Shelly, and sometimes Fay. Being someone who can share good conversations with the older students at the school.
04/15/08 Going out for coffee with Naomi. Her remembering, even though there was enough time to forget. Sitting on the leather couches with the beautiful flowers in a quiet corner of the mall and sharing what lies beneath the surface.
04/16/08 Being invited to help out with the first year Greek class next year.
04/24/08 Attending a dinner in my honor with my major. Being able to share with them about my journey, and hearing their affirmations. How some of them sacrificed to be there.
04/26/08 Grad. A day of joy. Being celebrated. Looking around at the profs and realizing how many of them have meant so much to me, and later having them tell me that they've been honored to teach me. Walking down the aisle with Frank. A "Congratulations to Us" card from Amanda. How my Mom came and brought Inid, and how my brother came as my own personal photographer.
Impromptu meetings. Running into friends and running out for coffee. Planned times together while we're both still students. Et cetera. So I'm going to try to collect these memories in a little bucket, both so I can look back on them later and so that I notice them as valuable at the time.09/19/07 Going out for breakfast with Almeda on moving day. Sitting at Smitty's and talking about goals for the year.
10/02/07 Sitting in the park with Shawn drinking slurpees on a cool and windy but sunny day. Talking about theology and Catholicism. Respecting him for what I hadn't known how to see in him before.
10/07 Singing in choir.
10/08/07 Just hanging around in the lounge during a class break. Seeing friends doing the same thing. Talking to Carolyn about things going on in our lives. Listening. Getting her advice on recipes.
10/12/07 Standing on the porch in Montana in the dark with Amanda. Drinking tea and singing "Lord Have Mercy." Sharing a room and going to sleep with gratitude for this faithful friendship that has given me a tour buddy, a vacation buddy, a retreat buddy.
10/07 Mailboxes. Checking my mailbox in hope that there is something new in there. Having an easy place to put notes and cards for my friends, so that there will be something new when they check it.
10/26/07 Billeting with Melissa W on mini tour in the place with the amazing quilts. Sitting on my bed together and talking after our billets had gone to sleep. Being able to call people dear friends, and to have them list me as a close friend, even though we've never spent much time together. Making plans to have tea parties and take walks with Melissa.
10/27/07 Spending free time in Kelowna with Amanda and Danaya. Perusing the discount bookstore. Eating lunch at a bakery where the food was wonderful. Gathering leaves.
11/01/07 Having a Spaghetti Party. People thinking that's great, not weird. Being able to expect that everyone's free at dinner time.
11/10/07 Dancing and hanging out with Heather and Ashlee at Almeda & Brian's wedding. Commenting on how we would never expect the three of us to be doing this together, to be building friendships this way.
11/20/07 Having a great conversation about Irenaeus, etc, with Eric in the library. Being somewhere where people know who Irenaeus is.
11/21/07 Having people around with whom I can be honest when I am not well. Sharing about family struggles with Melissa B when we saw each other during a class break. Her taking the time to pray then and there for me and the situation. Sharing again with Almeda in the lounge soon after. Being able to say it is awful and without feeling the need to resolve the situation to happiness by the end of the conversation.
11/22/07 Hearing Melissa W say "I love you!" to me on my way out of the school.
11/26/07 Leaving the school a few steps behind Devin, and him stopping and turning around with a smile when he saw me, happy to see me.
11/27/07 Walking into school as Freddy had just walked by. Him turning around (without breaking his stride) to come and give me a big hug and hello.
12/04/07 How Jeremy calls me girl. "See ya later, girl."
12/07/07 Hugs from Freddy. How he holds me tight and all is safe there.
12/07/07 Being in a place where I can trust people to love me. (Thanks for that tonight, Danaya and Stephi.)
01/14/08 Talking to Shawn in the hallway, and him realizing that I was what had been missing in his plans the night before. Thanking him for having a place for me in his life. Him admitting that it's not a big place, but saying that it can get bigger.
01/15/08 How Barry felt like it was important to tell me personally that he was leaving.
01/16/08 The motivation to read interesting things that I probably wouldn't read on my own, like the history of the Jews and the Apocrypha.
01/17/08 A dessert, movie, and games night with Danaya and Amanda. Having people who care to be around me even when I'm sick.
01/18/08 Mealey telling me that he was pleased to see my friend and I in his class. Being respected and considered intelligent by my professors.
02/08 Lunch after class on Fridays at Pizza Hut with May Lee, Shawn, Amanda, etc.
02/11/08 Seeing Ashlee around and having a chance to chat. Talking about boys and Lent. Hoping to go for coffee soon.
02/11/08 Being honest with Carolyn about how I'm really feeling. Having a friend who values being honest more than being polite. Seeing myself more clearly as I articulate matters to her, and feeling like I've touched something real. Finding myself identifying the school's foyer as the place where I cry with Carolyn.
02/25/08 Going to Wendy's for lunch with Amanda after NT Backgrounds class. Impromptu. Enjoyed.
02/08 Dinners with Amanda and Danaya.
03/09/08 Talking in my car with Amanda outside the restaurant after everyone else had gone home, and how that brought such a good end to the night.
04/01/08 Spending lunchtimes in the Pygmy hanging out with Jess, Shelly, and sometimes Fay. Being someone who can share good conversations with the older students at the school.
04/15/08 Going out for coffee with Naomi. Her remembering, even though there was enough time to forget. Sitting on the leather couches with the beautiful flowers in a quiet corner of the mall and sharing what lies beneath the surface.
04/16/08 Being invited to help out with the first year Greek class next year.
04/24/08 Attending a dinner in my honor with my major. Being able to share with them about my journey, and hearing their affirmations. How some of them sacrificed to be there.
04/26/08 Grad. A day of joy. Being celebrated. Looking around at the profs and realizing how many of them have meant so much to me, and later having them tell me that they've been honored to teach me. Walking down the aisle with Frank. A "Congratulations to Us" card from Amanda. How my Mom came and brought Inid, and how my brother came as my own personal photographer.
Bucket of Hope
Although I'm leaving behind the opportunity for good community at school, there is hope that I will still have opportunities for goodness around me. Here are some glimpses of that that I have tried to notice, especially at work:
11/21/07 Walking in to work to shop on a day off, on an awful day for me. Seeing Jim leaving as I walk in. "You're not working today? You're not a boss right now? Well then I can give you a hug!" Getting a hug from Jim, even though he didn't know that I really needed it. Enjoying flirty friendship with non-creepy men who are at least twice my age.
12/07 Brandon squeezing my arm as he walks by at work. Scott leaning onto me. I think he thinks he's bothering me, but I like the attention.
12/02/07 Bringing cookies to share with my coworkers after carts are done. People enjoying them and complimenting me.
12/22/07 Stepping out to dance in the middle of the circle at the Christmas party. Feeling like "I can be who I truly am here."
12/22/07 Katie. How I enjoy having her around.
12/23/07 My manager Gary following up after he heard I'd had a bad encounter with another manager. Hearing he respects (and loves?) me, and admires how I've balanced work with school. Knowing I am valued and thought well of.
12/08 Friendship with Perry. How we go to movies and he fills my need for attention. How he considers my friendship worthwhile.
01/03/08 People bringing me Starbucks. Katie. Kim. Nadia.
01/08 The girls at the desk being glad that I was the one doing their audit one day. "We like her, because she takes care of us."
01/09/08 Visiting Katie and going out for coffee. Having a great conversation, and wishing it could last longer and happen more often.
01/13/08 Being part of a girl talk with Lizz and Dana after we got off work.
02/09/08 Lizz giving me excited hugs at work when she saw me.
02/14/08 Going to dinner theatre with Patrick, as friends. Getting to know him more. Having him tell me, "I love talking to you."
02/16/08 Going for dinner with Katie and Nadia. Spending six hours together, chatting. Hearing them say that everyone at work loves me. Continuing to set a precedent of hanging out with girls from work, and working on revealing glimpses of what's beneath the surface.
03/08 Friendship with Trevor and our conversations about faith.
03/12/08 Finding out I'll have a forced vacation, and wondering what I'm going to do if I don't go to work. Weird!
03/14/08 Scott picking me up and carrying me out of the break room.
03/15/08 Another dinner with Katie and Nadia. Being myself and discovering myself around them. Plans to visit Katie at school.
03/25/08 Everyone saying they're glad I'm back.
03/29/08 Nadia baking and bringing some specifically for me.
03/30/08 Our 2 year anniversary party. How I got to spend time with my coworkers in their world - how I'm not afraid to do that anymore. How Steve bowled with me, and Bryan said he's not surprised I've never gotten into a fight because I'm the nicest person ever, and how Aaron told me I'm so cool and invited me to come to his cabin sometime.
04/06/08 Attending Trevor's baptism. Being glad that I can be part of his life.
04/08 How Shannon cared enough to find me a grad dress.
05/08 How people are back for the summer, including Katie. And me.
05/18/08 Having a really good talk with Justin while doing RTVs and go backs.
11/21/07 Walking in to work to shop on a day off, on an awful day for me. Seeing Jim leaving as I walk in. "You're not working today? You're not a boss right now? Well then I can give you a hug!" Getting a hug from Jim, even though he didn't know that I really needed it. Enjoying flirty friendship with non-creepy men who are at least twice my age.
12/07 Brandon squeezing my arm as he walks by at work. Scott leaning onto me. I think he thinks he's bothering me, but I like the attention.
12/02/07 Bringing cookies to share with my coworkers after carts are done. People enjoying them and complimenting me.
12/22/07 Stepping out to dance in the middle of the circle at the Christmas party. Feeling like "I can be who I truly am here."
12/22/07 Katie. How I enjoy having her around.
12/23/07 My manager Gary following up after he heard I'd had a bad encounter with another manager. Hearing he respects (and loves?) me, and admires how I've balanced work with school. Knowing I am valued and thought well of.
12/08 Friendship with Perry. How we go to movies and he fills my need for attention. How he considers my friendship worthwhile.
01/03/08 People bringing me Starbucks. Katie. Kim. Nadia.
01/08 The girls at the desk being glad that I was the one doing their audit one day. "We like her, because she takes care of us."
01/09/08 Visiting Katie and going out for coffee. Having a great conversation, and wishing it could last longer and happen more often.
01/13/08 Being part of a girl talk with Lizz and Dana after we got off work.
02/09/08 Lizz giving me excited hugs at work when she saw me.
02/14/08 Going to dinner theatre with Patrick, as friends. Getting to know him more. Having him tell me, "I love talking to you."
02/16/08 Going for dinner with Katie and Nadia. Spending six hours together, chatting. Hearing them say that everyone at work loves me. Continuing to set a precedent of hanging out with girls from work, and working on revealing glimpses of what's beneath the surface.
03/08 Friendship with Trevor and our conversations about faith.
03/12/08 Finding out I'll have a forced vacation, and wondering what I'm going to do if I don't go to work. Weird!
03/14/08 Scott picking me up and carrying me out of the break room.
03/15/08 Another dinner with Katie and Nadia. Being myself and discovering myself around them. Plans to visit Katie at school.
03/25/08 Everyone saying they're glad I'm back.
03/29/08 Nadia baking and bringing some specifically for me.
03/30/08 Our 2 year anniversary party. How I got to spend time with my coworkers in their world - how I'm not afraid to do that anymore. How Steve bowled with me, and Bryan said he's not surprised I've never gotten into a fight because I'm the nicest person ever, and how Aaron told me I'm so cool and invited me to come to his cabin sometime.
04/06/08 Attending Trevor's baptism. Being glad that I can be part of his life.
04/08 How Shannon cared enough to find me a grad dress.
05/08 How people are back for the summer, including Katie. And me.
05/18/08 Having a really good talk with Justin while doing RTVs and go backs.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Awards
Mara - TrustworthyI know that I can trust you to always love me, and I trust you with myself. Thanks for making me feel this way.
Amanda - All-Around Friend
You've been my tour buddy, vacation buddy, retreat buddy, graduation buddy... the list goes on and on. Thank you for sharing in so many aspects of my life.
Danaya - Rising Star
Our friendship has grown so much over the past year, and I have loved that. I'm glad you're part of my life.
Kristin - Heart of Wisdom
Everything you say to me is wise and caring. I am so blessed.
Carolyn - Most Empathetic
You've cried with me this year, and that has meant the world to me. You're the person I can open up to most when things are not okay because you understand.
Leah - Best Hostess
You've provided a place for us to be together and build community, and that is so important. Thank you.
Jen - Distancely Challenged
The times when I have seen you have been such hilights. Thank you for your friendship, long-distance though it has been.
May Lee - Ever Faithful
You never let us grow apart, and I'm glad.
Inid - Lovely
You always make me feel so loved, and I am so grateful.
Best Guy Friend - Perry
You surprised me by becoming really great friend to me, and I've really appreciated it.
Katie, Nadia - Hope for the Future
Having your friendship helps me believe that life after school will be good. I'm grateful for you.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
No Strings Attached
"No strings attached." This is an important concept to me.
It's related to obligation. I don't like acting out of obligation - instead I want to do what I want to, not what I feel I have to. And so I don't want other people to feel like they are obligated to me when I am kind to them. If they reciprocate anything, I want it to be because they want to, not because they feel like they have to.
I especially find myself thinking about "no strings attached" when I think about my friendships with guys. It seems like being kind to guys carries so much more potential for strings - not just obligation, but the possibility of intentions for a relationship. When I'm kind to a guy, there are no strings attached - it doesn't mean "I want to date you."
Expectation and disappointment are also a factor here. If there are strings attached to my kindness, and the other person does not respond as I hope, I am crushed. I don't want to be crushed, so I try not to expect. Then we are both free.
It's related to obligation. I don't like acting out of obligation - instead I want to do what I want to, not what I feel I have to. And so I don't want other people to feel like they are obligated to me when I am kind to them. If they reciprocate anything, I want it to be because they want to, not because they feel like they have to.
I especially find myself thinking about "no strings attached" when I think about my friendships with guys. It seems like being kind to guys carries so much more potential for strings - not just obligation, but the possibility of intentions for a relationship. When I'm kind to a guy, there are no strings attached - it doesn't mean "I want to date you."
Expectation and disappointment are also a factor here. If there are strings attached to my kindness, and the other person does not respond as I hope, I am crushed. I don't want to be crushed, so I try not to expect. Then we are both free.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Crunchy
So, I am good at leaving everything until the last minute.
I have a final in seven hours. And I haven't studied yet. And I don't really understand the subject - I really needed to study. But I was too busy trying to write my Greek paper, which was supposed to be due last week but which I got extended until tomorrow. And then I didn't work on it until, um, now. And I probably should sleep tonight too. I'm not sure how this will all turn out.
Aah, the end of the semester crunch.
It's hard to remind myself that I'm not done yet - that I still need to finish up these things. My thesis really took a lot out of me, and I didn't have much homework energy left after that. Plus, I thought I had a lot of time to recover after my thesis was due before I had to get going on the other final papers, but really I didn't.
I find myself just thinking of resigning myself to doing a bad job on these things, or maybe even not doing them at all. One class I'd definately still pass, and the other one I don't need. But... I care too much about my GPA to do that, and I feel like finishing things is a matter of self-respect.
Soon it will be done. Hopefully it won't be done too badly.
Update (04/23/08): So my exam wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. And my paper got done. It was a little on the late side, and it wasn't great, but it is done. (Actually, as I printed it out I thought about all the requirements that I was falling short on.) But, done is almost as good as done well. Now all my homework is done for this semester! It feels weird to think that I'm finished.
I have a final in seven hours. And I haven't studied yet. And I don't really understand the subject - I really needed to study. But I was too busy trying to write my Greek paper, which was supposed to be due last week but which I got extended until tomorrow. And then I didn't work on it until, um, now. And I probably should sleep tonight too. I'm not sure how this will all turn out.
Aah, the end of the semester crunch.
It's hard to remind myself that I'm not done yet - that I still need to finish up these things. My thesis really took a lot out of me, and I didn't have much homework energy left after that. Plus, I thought I had a lot of time to recover after my thesis was due before I had to get going on the other final papers, but really I didn't.
I find myself just thinking of resigning myself to doing a bad job on these things, or maybe even not doing them at all. One class I'd definately still pass, and the other one I don't need. But... I care too much about my GPA to do that, and I feel like finishing things is a matter of self-respect.
Soon it will be done. Hopefully it won't be done too badly.
Update (04/23/08): So my exam wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. And my paper got done. It was a little on the late side, and it wasn't great, but it is done. (Actually, as I printed it out I thought about all the requirements that I was falling short on.) But, done is almost as good as done well. Now all my homework is done for this semester! It feels weird to think that I'm finished.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Friend
We went out for coffee again today. Perhaps for the last time; he is moving away. It is so much different when you are leading down from a friendship rather than leading up to one, hanging on for nostalgia's sake.
He's a friend from school who also became a friend from work. For almost a year we went out for coffee every week, and at that time his friendship was so important to me. He even asked me out a few times. I kept saying no, I just wanted to be friends. Still, despite what I said, looking back I think we were a little more than friends.
Then we both had a rough spell at the same time. He became distant and I became needy. I felt hurt when he blew me off when I needed his friendship so much, and I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to keep the friendship going. I needed to lower my expectations to the point where I wouldn't become disappointed. So the friendship kinda died out. We've hung out a few times since then, but we're no longer close like we used to be.
All I do is worry about him now. He's not in a good place, and I don't really understand, and I can't help. (And I'm not in an especially good place either.) And I feel like I can't even care very much anymore.
I am comparing how I feel about him leaving with my reaction to having to say goodbye to other coworkers, and it feels like I care more about the other ones. Granted, I work so much more closely with the other guys and I rarely see this friend at work so I won't really notice his absence much. I was more aware of being sad that they were leaving, and just feeling neutral towards his parting. But then again, I don't always know how I really feel, and today I felt pretty miserable for no other reason at all. Maybe I am more shaken by this than I realize.
We shared a hug today, and despite everything else swirling around, it was so good, and peaceful, and safe. I don't remember his hugs being that way before. I just wanted to stay there. And I don't know what to think about that.
Farewell, Friend. I wish you well. I wish you purpose and thirst for God and satisfaction.
He's a friend from school who also became a friend from work. For almost a year we went out for coffee every week, and at that time his friendship was so important to me. He even asked me out a few times. I kept saying no, I just wanted to be friends. Still, despite what I said, looking back I think we were a little more than friends.
Then we both had a rough spell at the same time. He became distant and I became needy. I felt hurt when he blew me off when I needed his friendship so much, and I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to keep the friendship going. I needed to lower my expectations to the point where I wouldn't become disappointed. So the friendship kinda died out. We've hung out a few times since then, but we're no longer close like we used to be.
All I do is worry about him now. He's not in a good place, and I don't really understand, and I can't help. (And I'm not in an especially good place either.) And I feel like I can't even care very much anymore.
I am comparing how I feel about him leaving with my reaction to having to say goodbye to other coworkers, and it feels like I care more about the other ones. Granted, I work so much more closely with the other guys and I rarely see this friend at work so I won't really notice his absence much. I was more aware of being sad that they were leaving, and just feeling neutral towards his parting. But then again, I don't always know how I really feel, and today I felt pretty miserable for no other reason at all. Maybe I am more shaken by this than I realize.
We shared a hug today, and despite everything else swirling around, it was so good, and peaceful, and safe. I don't remember his hugs being that way before. I just wanted to stay there. And I don't know what to think about that.
Farewell, Friend. I wish you well. I wish you purpose and thirst for God and satisfaction.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Welcome, Friend
I have a visitor!
Friend, I am so glad you are here, and I am honored that you are staying with me.
I hope that all your hopes for this visit are realized. You think your expectations are so high that they can't possibly all come true, but I hope that you won't be at all disappointed. I hope this time is very rich for you. May God bless your visit.
Friend, I am so glad you are here, and I am honored that you are staying with me.
I hope that all your hopes for this visit are realized. You think your expectations are so high that they can't possibly all come true, but I hope that you won't be at all disappointed. I hope this time is very rich for you. May God bless your visit.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Greek Finale
Today I had my last Greek class. (That seems weird.) At the end of class the prof asked us if we would be interested in helping out with the first level class next year. I said an excited "yes!" He doesn't know what this might look like, and I don't know if I can balance it with work. But it would be so wonderful to have more opportunities to use (and not lose) my beloved Greek.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
"Anymore"
I went to chapel today. It was Barry's farewell. I was glad to be there for that. He shared with us of his passion and 2 Corinthians 2:14-4:7. He drew out four prayer nuggets, things he asked we would pray for him and he will pray for us: May we never lose our sense of wonder that God has chosen us. May we always live our lives under his gaze (sous son regard) and in his strength. May we always keep the excitement about the message and the ministry that God has given us. May we never neglect our sacred responsibility, our duty, to share the gospel.
I think I have already lost all these things. And I discovered that I think evangelism, especially in the "love them to Jesus" variety (which, granted, is better than some of the other flavors) is manipulative. Aren't we basically saying that we should be kind to them so that they will feel obligated to accept our religion? And, as Barry leaves, I was reminded of how there has just been so much loss.
The word of the hour for me was "anymore." I'm not exactly sure of all of the implications, and I'm not sure I want to press it. The word makes me think of this song, though.
I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore.
I can't keep pretending. I don't love you anymore.
It means the first one. But I've always wondered if it means the second one.
Anymore. Things have changed. Things have to change.
I think I have already lost all these things. And I discovered that I think evangelism, especially in the "love them to Jesus" variety (which, granted, is better than some of the other flavors) is manipulative. Aren't we basically saying that we should be kind to them so that they will feel obligated to accept our religion? And, as Barry leaves, I was reminded of how there has just been so much loss.
The word of the hour for me was "anymore." I'm not exactly sure of all of the implications, and I'm not sure I want to press it. The word makes me think of this song, though.
I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore.
I can't keep pretending. I don't love you anymore.
It means the first one. But I've always wondered if it means the second one.
Anymore. Things have changed. Things have to change.
Revelation?
Although we've been part of each other's lives for seven months now, spending two and a half weeks straight together is different than seeing each other for a few hours two, maybe three, times a week. There is something I should maybe tell you about myself before we head into this.I wanted to say this to them. It was part (well, most) of my "tour coping strategy" - to find support among the group that I will be with. But asking for that opportunity got really hard. I tried to bring it up with one of the chaplains, but I finally noticed that every time I mentioned it she got really cold. That hurt, and that made me not want to share with anyone else... but by then I figured I had already kinda gotten the ball rolling.
I have a depression problem. It really affects my relationship with God, and it also affects my relationships with people. It makes things like tour hard for me. I just wanted to tell you guys because I want you to know me, because we say we're a family, and because I don't want to have to feel like it's a secret when we're on tour together.
Today in choir we had some "talk about tour" time. I thought this might include my chance to share, and I shivered through most of it. But it was more like announcements than sharing, and so I didn't have a good chance to say what I needed to. I don't know if I'm disappointed or relieved. It seemed like a really good and a really bad idea to let them know where I'm at, who I am.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Work Boys
Scott is leaving. Tomorrow is his last day, and I just found out today. I knew he was thinking of leaving, but still I didn't really expect it. I am so sad, 'cause he is so much fun! He always just walks up and jabs me in the ribs in a tickling sort of way, which is incredibly awkward 'cause he does it when I'm trying to ask a customer something, but I love it. I love the attention. It makes me happy to have him around. And now he will no longer be around. So I was sad to him today. I'm making goodbye cookies for him. I hope he doesn't skip work tomorrow.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Choir Disappointment, etc.
So I'm going on choir tour in two weeks-ish. We got an itinerary today. It's disappointing to me. Our original destination was Texas, but that wasn't turning out so well so they re-planned it for Montreal. I was excited about that - I have friends in Montreal and it would be really cool to go out there. I suggested churches we could sing at and everything. But now that we got the itinerary, and Montreal's not on there. The farthest we're going is Ontario.
I have a friend in Ontario. I hoped that we would go to her city, and I even passed on those contacts. But we're not going there. We'll be near there, but not there.
They asked us, those of us who are graduating, if we had any special requests to add to our rep, any songs we want to sing one last time. I'd really love to sing Abide with Me, or His Eye is on the Sparrow, so I requested those. And we're not doing them.
And the choir's chaplain, the sweetest person ever, kinda blew me off today.
Sometimes I have a hard time feeling like I am a valued part of the choir. Sometimes it seems like all the decisions they make are against what matters to me. This feeling used to be more acute; this year it has been somewhat better. But these events bring back those feelings.
I'm nervous about tour as it is. It's always difficult for me. I don't really do well away from home. And I have no bus buddy.
This has been "no make-up week." Interestingly enough, I relate this to my thesis workload - but it came the week that I'm finished it, not the week I was working on it. I guess that was the time for action (make-up friendly), and this is the time for rest (make-up lazy).
The snow today is insanity. And that's all I have to say about that.
I have a friend in Ontario. I hoped that we would go to her city, and I even passed on those contacts. But we're not going there. We'll be near there, but not there.
They asked us, those of us who are graduating, if we had any special requests to add to our rep, any songs we want to sing one last time. I'd really love to sing Abide with Me, or His Eye is on the Sparrow, so I requested those. And we're not doing them.
And the choir's chaplain, the sweetest person ever, kinda blew me off today.
Sometimes I have a hard time feeling like I am a valued part of the choir. Sometimes it seems like all the decisions they make are against what matters to me. This feeling used to be more acute; this year it has been somewhat better. But these events bring back those feelings.
I'm nervous about tour as it is. It's always difficult for me. I don't really do well away from home. And I have no bus buddy.
This has been "no make-up week." Interestingly enough, I relate this to my thesis workload - but it came the week that I'm finished it, not the week I was working on it. I guess that was the time for action (make-up friendly), and this is the time for rest (make-up lazy).
The snow today is insanity. And that's all I have to say about that.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Dictionary
Just making sure....
Innate: possessed at birth or inborn; possessed as an essential characteristic or inherent; of or produced by the mind rather than learned through experience.
Quintessential: the most perfect embodiment of something; the pure and concentrated essence of a substance.
Impromptu: made or done without previous preparation; prompted by the occasion rather than being planned in advance.
Disdain: a haughty feeling of contempt for anything regarded as unworthy; to consider or reject as beneath oneself.
Decry: to speak disparagingly of; to denounce as faulty or worthless; to condemn openly.
Esoteric: understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; belonging to the select few; private, secret, confidential, not publically disclosed.
Incur: to make oneself subject to; bring upon oneself.
(www.dictionary.com)
Innate: possessed at birth or inborn; possessed as an essential characteristic or inherent; of or produced by the mind rather than learned through experience.
Quintessential: the most perfect embodiment of something; the pure and concentrated essence of a substance.
Impromptu: made or done without previous preparation; prompted by the occasion rather than being planned in advance.
Disdain: a haughty feeling of contempt for anything regarded as unworthy; to consider or reject as beneath oneself.
Decry: to speak disparagingly of; to denounce as faulty or worthless; to condemn openly.
Esoteric: understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; belonging to the select few; private, secret, confidential, not publically disclosed.
Incur: to make oneself subject to; bring upon oneself.
(www.dictionary.com)
Finito!
I'm finished! Woo hoo! It feels so good! So good I just want to sleep!
Last night I just did the section I was on and then I went to bed. So I ended up finishing it up today - at 1:30 in the morning. Those little details just take up so much time!
I'm not exceptionally proud of my work. But it's done and that's the really important part. I wonder what my prof will think of it... I think I'm hoping for a B.
I learned today that I don't want to be a wishy-washy person. I want to make my expectations very clear, and then enforce them. When something needs to be done, sugar coating the request in kindness is hard to respect and therefore not ideal.
It's tricksy when I don't respect someone who is in authority over me, and when I stretch boundaries as a result. I don't like that about myself.
So, Turabian totally changed while I wasn't looking! When you use footnotes the year goes at the end, not between the author and title?!? What is that?! Friend, I didn't believe you when you wrote about this on your blog. But I have discovered that you are right. It's so unsettling when you totally know something, and you're wrong. And the way that Turabian was was so comfortable to me...
Some helpful Turabian sources I've found:
~ The Basics from Georgetown University Library
~ A Citation Generator - you put in your info, it arranges it for you!
Update 04/17/08: My prof was pleased, and she gave me an A. She thought about bringing that down to an A- because it was "late," but she decided against that.
Last night I just did the section I was on and then I went to bed. So I ended up finishing it up today - at 1:30 in the morning. Those little details just take up so much time!
I'm not exceptionally proud of my work. But it's done and that's the really important part. I wonder what my prof will think of it... I think I'm hoping for a B.
I learned today that I don't want to be a wishy-washy person. I want to make my expectations very clear, and then enforce them. When something needs to be done, sugar coating the request in kindness is hard to respect and therefore not ideal.
It's tricksy when I don't respect someone who is in authority over me, and when I stretch boundaries as a result. I don't like that about myself.
So, Turabian totally changed while I wasn't looking! When you use footnotes the year goes at the end, not between the author and title?!? What is that?! Friend, I didn't believe you when you wrote about this on your blog. But I have discovered that you are right. It's so unsettling when you totally know something, and you're wrong. And the way that Turabian was was so comfortable to me...
Some helpful Turabian sources I've found:
~ The Basics from Georgetown University Library
~ A Citation Generator - you put in your info, it arranges it for you!
Update 04/17/08: My prof was pleased, and she gave me an A. She thought about bringing that down to an A- because it was "late," but she decided against that.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Thesis Dilemma
So, my thesis is due tomorrow.
It's midnight.
I've gotten so much done!
That's been cool - I'm not quite sure how it happened.
But there's still some left -
two partial sections,
a conclusion,
finishing up the reflections,
a bunch of editing and some filling in.
Do I keep going, or do I give up and to to bed?
I am tired and I don't want to pull an all-nighter,
and attitude is so important in making all-nighters okay.
I don't feel like I'm working well right now.
But if I don't do it now, when will I do it?
Tomorrow I have two hour-long breaks,
and then about three more hours.
And if I need to I guess I can skip my evening plans.
That means I'm getting it in a day late.
Maybe I can email it in late tomorrow night?
That also just drags it out though.
Maybe it would be better to just get it done now.
I could go to Denny's for a change of scenery.
But I kinda just want to go to bed.
Oh, what to do, what to do.
It's midnight.
I've gotten so much done!
That's been cool - I'm not quite sure how it happened.
But there's still some left -
two partial sections,
a conclusion,
finishing up the reflections,
a bunch of editing and some filling in.
Do I keep going, or do I give up and to to bed?
I am tired and I don't want to pull an all-nighter,
and attitude is so important in making all-nighters okay.
I don't feel like I'm working well right now.
But if I don't do it now, when will I do it?
Tomorrow I have two hour-long breaks,
and then about three more hours.
And if I need to I guess I can skip my evening plans.
That means I'm getting it in a day late.
Maybe I can email it in late tomorrow night?
That also just drags it out though.
Maybe it would be better to just get it done now.
I could go to Denny's for a change of scenery.
But I kinda just want to go to bed.
Oh, what to do, what to do.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday experiences
I went to church this morning. My Trevor friend from work was getting baptized, and I told him I'd come. It was pretty cool to be there for this event. Only I didn't get a chance to talk to him. It felt awkward before church started and I was sure I'd see him afterwards, but at that time he was nowhere to be found. Then the next service was soon to start, so I figured I'd missed him and I left. I had sent him a text message to tell him I was there, and later he replied: "MICHELLE! I looked so hard for you and i couldn't find you. I'm so sorry! Thanks so much for coming though, I really appreciated the support!" I am glad to support him. I hope I can do that well.
Church itself was alright. It was nice to have a specific purpose for being there - that meant I didn't have to evaluate much because I was entertaining no thoughts of returning. But I came home so exhausted that I had to take a nap and I wasn't very productive for the rest of the day, and I'm not sure if that is related or not.
During the singing, although I was standing in a 'pew' surrounded by people, I felt like my soul was lying in the back corner, grieving.
Tonight we had a choir concert. One of our songs, O Sacred Head Now Wounded, is in a mournful minor key and begins with a long violin solo, and I see that as my time in the concert to close my eyes and allow my soul to wander in the barrenness the music creates. Tonight my thoughts went back to church this morning, and to cowering in the corner. And I asked, "Where is Jesus?" And he was in the center of the room celebrating with everyone else. And I was disregarded and alone.
Not that visions like this are truth. Maybe they reveal more about what I would expect than what God would offer. And I could understand it not being appropriate for Christ to leave the faithful to come and rescue one so doubtful. Except, isn't that what the shepherd of the parable did? Not that I'm claiming I should receive such grace...
Everything is so very very wrong.
Trevor concluded his testimony by saying, "And I've never been happier!" Finding God to him meant finding happiness. And I'm glad he is happy. But Trevor, your life isn't always going to be happy. Don't equate your relationship with God with the blessings that it brings, because then you will have nothing left when those blessings evaporate.
Church itself was alright. It was nice to have a specific purpose for being there - that meant I didn't have to evaluate much because I was entertaining no thoughts of returning. But I came home so exhausted that I had to take a nap and I wasn't very productive for the rest of the day, and I'm not sure if that is related or not.
During the singing, although I was standing in a 'pew' surrounded by people, I felt like my soul was lying in the back corner, grieving.
Tonight we had a choir concert. One of our songs, O Sacred Head Now Wounded, is in a mournful minor key and begins with a long violin solo, and I see that as my time in the concert to close my eyes and allow my soul to wander in the barrenness the music creates. Tonight my thoughts went back to church this morning, and to cowering in the corner. And I asked, "Where is Jesus?" And he was in the center of the room celebrating with everyone else. And I was disregarded and alone.
Not that visions like this are truth. Maybe they reveal more about what I would expect than what God would offer. And I could understand it not being appropriate for Christ to leave the faithful to come and rescue one so doubtful. Except, isn't that what the shepherd of the parable did? Not that I'm claiming I should receive such grace...
Everything is so very very wrong.
Trevor concluded his testimony by saying, "And I've never been happier!" Finding God to him meant finding happiness. And I'm glad he is happy. But Trevor, your life isn't always going to be happy. Don't equate your relationship with God with the blessings that it brings, because then you will have nothing left when those blessings evaporate.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
A Bridge Mix of Thoughts
After five days, the paper cut on my thumb finally stopped hurting!
I went to Starbucks for an hour to work on my thesis there, and I got lots done! I've been home now for an hour, and I've gotten nothing done. Considering how many hours I have put into it over the past few days, how many hours I have left to put into it over the next few days, and how far I've gotten, it's going to be a real crunch to get it all done on time. Help, Lord? I kinda wish I had chosen a different topic. Something that's not endless.
So I watched I Am Legend with my Mom a few weeks ago, and now I am slightly afraid of zombies, especially when I'm turning out the lights.
I like eating rice cakes. But I'm kind of embarassed about that because of their bad reputation as tasteless diet food. They actually come in pretty amazing flavors, though - like caramel and white cheddar! And I like the crispy styrofoam texture. But I don't think most people agree, and so I don't often talk about my fondness for rice cakes.
On the same note, I hesitate to tell people that I drink SlimFast. I guess it is fair that they assume I am drinking SlimFast in order to get slim, fast, and I agree that that's not what I need. But that's not why I drink it. When I find I'm not eating well enough, I supplement my diet with SlimFast for the vitamins. The lack of eating is a cause, not a result. Plus, it makes me drink more milk, and I think it tastes pretty good. The vanilla flavor that I bought recently tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream (but I usually make it half strength so it's less intense). I think that drinking SlimFast is a smart choice for me considering what the surrounding circumstaces sometimes are, but it usually takes a lot of explaining to make people understand that. So I just avoid talking about it.
I went to Starbucks for an hour to work on my thesis there, and I got lots done! I've been home now for an hour, and I've gotten nothing done. Considering how many hours I have put into it over the past few days, how many hours I have left to put into it over the next few days, and how far I've gotten, it's going to be a real crunch to get it all done on time. Help, Lord? I kinda wish I had chosen a different topic. Something that's not endless.
So I watched I Am Legend with my Mom a few weeks ago, and now I am slightly afraid of zombies, especially when I'm turning out the lights.
I like eating rice cakes. But I'm kind of embarassed about that because of their bad reputation as tasteless diet food. They actually come in pretty amazing flavors, though - like caramel and white cheddar! And I like the crispy styrofoam texture. But I don't think most people agree, and so I don't often talk about my fondness for rice cakes.
On the same note, I hesitate to tell people that I drink SlimFast. I guess it is fair that they assume I am drinking SlimFast in order to get slim, fast, and I agree that that's not what I need. But that's not why I drink it. When I find I'm not eating well enough, I supplement my diet with SlimFast for the vitamins. The lack of eating is a cause, not a result. Plus, it makes me drink more milk, and I think it tastes pretty good. The vanilla flavor that I bought recently tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream (but I usually make it half strength so it's less intense). I think that drinking SlimFast is a smart choice for me considering what the surrounding circumstaces sometimes are, but it usually takes a lot of explaining to make people understand that. So I just avoid talking about it.
What I really want to be doing...
watching Friends, watching What About Bob, sleeping, hanging out with people, talking to you on the phone, writing a letter, playing guitar, knitting, dishes, nothing
What I am doing...
trying to write my thesis, getting distracted by updating my blog template, going to Starbucks in hope that different scenery will reinvigorate my efforts
Plans for when it's done...
getting together with my ex, a movie with the friend from work, coffee with a wonderful girl from choir, coffee with an old friend who wants to reconnect, cleaning my apartment, long distance phone call, going on to the next round of homework assignments
What I am doing...
trying to write my thesis, getting distracted by updating my blog template, going to Starbucks in hope that different scenery will reinvigorate my efforts
Plans for when it's done...
getting together with my ex, a movie with the friend from work, coffee with a wonderful girl from choir, coffee with an old friend who wants to reconnect, cleaning my apartment, long distance phone call, going on to the next round of homework assignments
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Dark Night
"My experience is that people often experience depression and the dark night at the same time... The dark night can be depressing... Conversely, a primary clinical depression can become part of a dark-night experience."
~ Gerald May, The Dark Night of the Soul, 156
~ Gerald May, The Dark Night of the Soul, 156
She told me that my problem was depression, not dark night of the soul. This seemed very obvious to her. She treated them like they were mutually exclusive, like it was one and not the other. Her answer was very unsettling to me, but even though I didn't agree I felt like I had to accept it. I wonder if/how things would have been different had I not been told this.
I think that there is the dark night of the soul proper, and then there is the dark night of the soul principle: the idea that pain has value, that what we think we want is not what is good for us, that God is doing something good in us when he weans us from our desires. And these benefits are available to all who face loss, not just those who experience an extended dark night of the soul.
I think there must be a reason why I am endlessly fascinated with the Dark Night of the Soul. But at the same time, the results of the dark night do not appear strongly in my life - particularly a burning love for God. When you're missing the main symptom, that suggests it's not the right diagnosis. So maybe she was right. Or maybe that's how it began, but I got lost along the way.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Songs
I heard this song on the radio on the way home today. It's been a while since I've heard it. I really like it, and it got me thinking.
just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to...
when you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
leaving didn't hurt me near as badly
as the tears I saw rolling down your face ...
yesterday I knew just what you wanted
when you came walking up to me with him
so I told you that I was happy for you
and given the chance I'd lie again
just to see you smile
That's love, isn't it. Wanting the best for the other person, even when that means stepping away. Not even thinking about yourself. Sacrificial. Selfless.
I don't really know if I can do that. It seems to make for a good story but a painful life.
My adventures on YouTube looking for that other one brought me upon this one. Aah, early-90s Country from my childhood. (This is even the original video!)
Confession: I love this song. I think it's hilarious. I bet you never would have guessed.
Confederate Railroad, Trashy Women
Browsing around on YouTube inspires me to pick up my guitar again. It's been a while. Maybe when school is finished. In the meantime, there's plenty of other things that need my time.
Thoughts
I was thinking about my work friendships and school friendships when I went to bed that night. I think there are a few reasons why I find myself enjoying time around work people more than around school people. For one thing, I don't think my pain really has any place in those situations, so I push it aside and feel pleasantly distracted. But I am more honest in around school friends, so I end up living more out of my brokenness there and that is heavy and burdensome. No wonder I feel happier about situations where I am generally someone happy. Not that those situations are healthier, but maybe balance between the two is good for me. And another thing - at work I'm distinctive. They all think I am so nice and just wonderful. At school everyone's nice, so I'm nothing special. Plus, for some reason I feel much more social awkwardness at school functions than at work functions. That's kinda weird, since I'm more familiar with Christian culture than the broader world. But I guess that I feel like work people are more likely to want me around for some reason.
(I don't mean my closest friends when I write this - I hope you know how important you are to me.)
(I don't mean my closest friends when I write this - I hope you know how important you are to me.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
