Double Feature

Justin and I both had the day off today, so we declared it a FQun Day and went off to the mountains. The excitement of this averted the bad-morning-mood I was expecting, and we had a really good time. We stopped at Tim Horton's to grab breakfast on the way out of town. Then the first thing we did when we got there was ride the gondola up a mountain - something I don't think I had ever done before. It was really neat. At the top we took a walk, which was beautiful but cold. We did not pick a warm day for the mountains - but that kept a lot of other people away which was kind of nice. After stopping for coffee we walked around town a bit, and then went for a late lunch. It was a good day together. I had another engagement tonight, so we came home in the late afternoon. On the drive home during the question game we both basically said that the company was our favorite part.

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Tonight I attended a school function - a dinner with the major that I had been a part of before I graduated. These events generally make me feel quite unsettled, and tonight was no exception. I usually don't know what it is that makes me feel this way, but I'm going to see what I can do to articulate it this time.

It was strange going as an alumna. I wasn't the only one; there were a few others who are also no longer in school. And I knew everyone but two people there. But I only felt connected to about half the group. It's not what it was back when it was ours. I understand that change is inevitable and important, and the change started even before I left, but I can't help but feel disconnected. And somehow that feels very appropriate.

At the same time that I felt disconnected from the group in general, I acknowledge that some of these people are my closest friends. And some of them I haven't connected with in too long. This entity has been my community - the ones with whom I shared life and growth, and the ones who have had the right to speak into my life. They still have that right, although there are few opportunities now. Jeremy and I had a valuable conversation about some things going on in my life right now. He listened to me, and then expressed some concerns. Later when I left he said he hoped I didn't mind his advice, he hoped it didn't make me upset. On the contrary, I told him that I appreciate it when people care enough about me to tell me what they think I don't want to hear. And these people do care about me. That means that in some sense I am responsible to them, and I cannot simply live recklessly. No man is an island.

We all have way less in common now than we did then. I had nothing to add to their conversation about classes and assignments because I'm not there anymore. It's not only that, though. Even much of what we do still have in common feels like it's waning in my life. And being with them reminds me of all I've lost.

I still owe the prof some research that I don't want to do. I haven't spoken to her since graduation last year, and I've kinda been avoiding her because I don't want her to ask about it. I was afraid to go tonight for that reason, and I was relieved that she didn't bring it up. Maybe she's forgotten? But at the same time that I feel like I can't do it, I feel like not completing what I owe her is a problem with my character.

Maybe I'm just tired. The context and conversations inspired some doubts about where my life is going. The interjection into this community felt awkward. I felt great before I went and I feel so unsettled at the end.