Review

My goals for 2009 were to read five of the books considered by Penguin to be the Best Books Ever Written, and to buy napkins. I am happy to say that I achieved both of these goals!

I read:
1) The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
2) The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky
3) Fifth Business by Roberston Davies
4) The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
5) Lady Chatterley's Lover by D H Lawrence

I almost didn't make it: it was mid-December and I hadn't read a fifth book yet. The ones I had on board didn't really appeal to me, and they seemed difficult when I just wanted an easy read. But then Lady Chatterley's Lover arrived in the mail and drew me in, and I was able to finish it in time. Hooray!

I liked having this goal. It encouraged me to read more intelligent literature and to experience for myself a few of the literary classics that culture so often alludes to. At the same time that it provided a suggested reading list, it also encouraged me to deviate from that list and read other classic books.

I also valued how this goal was not restrictive: it didn't define everything I had to read all year. I had time to achieve it and also to read anything else I wanted, whatever that was.

Reading Statistics 2009

Total number of books read: 43

Fiction 27
--- smart fiction 7
--- respectable fiction 10
--- easy/silly fiction 10
Non-Fiction 16
--- food 2
--- politics 3
--- Christian reflections 5
--- relationships 3
--- philosophy 2
--- misc 2
Religious 10 (some fiction, some non)

Annum

It's been a year. A year since I gave up on God. Remembering...

Three weeks ago I went to my ex-choir's mini chapel concert (since I couldn't make it to their real Christmas concerts). During this concert, the choir director talked a little bit about Advent. I hadn't really even thought about Advent yet this year, even though it probably started several weeks before. And the reminder took my memory back to last year.

Last year I attempted to observe Advent by nightly singing "O Come O Come Emmanuel." And it pushed me over the edge. After a few weeks of daily repeating "Come to us, O Lord," I finally started to listen to the rebellion of my soul against that request. I didn't want to keep asking; I didn't want to keep hoping. You can't stay friends with God when you don't want to invite him to be around, and that doesn't end when Advent does.

Since then I've tried to be aware of how I really feel towards God and be true to that, without closing any doors for the future. I gave up, but I didn't say that position was permanent. I still think my best option might be to go back - but it would have to be something true, something genuine, not something I can (or would want to) just make happen on my own. And despite this effort at neutrality, over the last year I've noticed my distance towards God increasing and solidifying. I'm only getting farther away.

It's amazing how much sense Calvinism and predestination make from here. God has chosen his elect, and it turns out I'm not one of them - no matter how much I wanted to be back then. The grace is that it's okay now; it's not as bad as I feared.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The thing is, all I have is a pile of experiences, pressed through a filter of interpretations. I don't have any pure knowledge of anything; all I have are these interpretations of my experiences. Experiences can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and there are different factors affecting how we read an event: reason is one of them, other assertions (ie. Scripture) are another. Christians are told to rely on facts, not feelings, and they learn that the Bible provides a framework for interpreting experiences (and in fact even trumps contradictory experiences). For me, however, it became like pushing a square peg of experience through the round hole of this particular interpretation. I could stretch the hole to make it fit, but it was getting more and more inflexible, and eventually I realized that the square peg fits much better in a square hole. My experiences seemed to indicate the opposite of what the Bible promised.

It's possible that the Bible's promises were true, and all my experiences have simply been interpreted incorrectly. But these experiences are all I have. I can't have an experience that isn't filtered through me. All experiences must yield to interpretation. Eventually I had to believe them, and to believe the most likely interpretation of them. I had to listen to his silence that indicates his lack of concern; I had to acknowledge my sense of abandonment, even though he suggested he'd never do that. I couldn't fight against the most likely answer any longer. I had already been fighting for so long.

Additionally, inner experiences don't come with a label of origin. So how can I possibly know what's God, and what's just me? How do I know if an urge was a push from God or just my own inclination, whether a powerful moment was the touch of God or just a contrived emotional situation? You can look at it through the eyes of faith, but then there is not much left when that faith runs out.

For years already I had been saying that I wanted to give up, I just didn't know how. I found out how, and I did. I ran out of hope. I ran out of faith.

Somehow everything hurts less when it's not supposed to be any better than this. The problem of evil isn't such a problem when you take God out of the equation.

Alberta Countryside

Driving the back roads.
The horses are wearing their jackets.
The ditches are decorated with skidoo tracks.
Some people enjoying a sleigh ride waved at me.

It took me longer to get home going this way, and for that reason I may not do it again, but it was a nice way to go.

Merry Christmas from Larry

I'm a fan.

Today was my last day at work before Christmas, and I have the next four days off. Woo hoo! My schedule this week turned out so much better than Geoff's: he had Mon, Tues and Wed off, he works Christmas Eve, is off Christmas Day, and then works Sat and Sun. He works all the days around Christmas and his days off are split up. I feel kinda bad. But I guess he's just going to stick around here, and I'm going out of town. Tomorrow I'll head to Mom's house, and over the next few days I'll also end up having dinner with the extended family and spending time at Dad's. I'm looking forward to the time off work and I'm anticipating the festivities, but I'm not exactly looking forward to all the travelling, nor do I relish not being home or having any time to myself.

P.S. I made another effort at making fudge, and it turned out well this time. =)

Books Read - Fall 2009

1. The Host by Stephenie Meyer
2. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
3. The Guinea Pig Diaries by A. J. Jacobs
4. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
5. Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a A Bar by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein
6. We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver
7. Essays in Love by Alain de Botton
8. I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert
9. The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships by David Niven
10. My Best Stories by Alice Munro
11. Lady Chatterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence*


Notes:

- The Host was, in keeping with Stephenie Meyer's other works (the Twilight Series), a fascinating and quick read. In fact, I read it so fast that at points I found myself just skimming, so eager to find out what would happen that I think I missed some things. Maybe that's why I didn't always see the necessity behind certain decisions the characters felt they had to make (but I suspect these were actually stretches in the story). It looks like this could be the beginning of another series, and if it is I will read it. In the meantime, I lent this one to my Mom after I read it.

- The Elegance of the Hedgehog was so, so good. Translated from French, it is a story about a couple of people (a young girl, a concierge) who hide their true selves from the world. It is an intelligent book, with abundant ruminations on philosophy and art. It would be best read in a state of peaceful alertness (which is unfortunately not the mood in which I began the book). This book has placed itself in the category of books I'd highly recommend.

- My Sister's Keeper was highly recommended to me by a friend and by the movie previews. It reminded me of another book I read though - Dana's Valley by Janette Oke. Both books are about a girl who has leukemia, a close sister, a misbehaving older brother, a family fighting through the stress of her illness. This book explored different aspects within that setting than the other one did, but the story didn't seem original to me. Also, I found myself reading the voice and characteristics of Paloma from The Elegance of the Hedgehog into Anna. The main questions of this book really made me think though. And I didn't expect the twist at the very end.

- We Need to Talk About Kevin was really really fascinating: the story of a school shooter, narrated by his mother in a series of letters reflecting back through his entire life (and hers). It's a story of parenthood gone wrong, personhood gone wrong. It inspires questions of nature vs. nurture and the inflexibility of those categories.

- I Am America (And So Can You)... Aah, Sarcasm Colbert. I wonder what he's like in real life, beneath the mocking public exterior. I wonder what he really thinks.

- So I've discovered that I have a hard time appreciating short stories. They can too often be too scattered, bringing in too many characters and leaving too many questions. After I articulated this, however, I was able to get past it and enjoy Alice Munro's Best Stories. It still made me miss English class, though, where in community you take the time to dissect and discuss stories, to search for what isn't seen at first glance. I have a hard time doing that on my own.

I love this commercial

Aw!

Eulogy

At the gravesite, the family stood around the coffin and took a moment to share our reflections of Grandpa.

"He was my protector."

"He was a good father."

"He was a good man. A genuinely good man."

I wouldn't have recognized him from their descriptions. He was none of those things to me. To me, he was... quiet. He never said anything. Reserved. I've heard interpretations suggesting he was the cause of much dysfunctionality in my family, and that's the view I have ended up adopting, especialy since my personal experiences with him offered no evidence to the contrary.

Were we all lying? Or do I just have a very limited view? I'm sure they knew him better than I did, noticing the good and forgiving the bad. But some of the things they said directly contradicted things I remember about him. My cousin's wife spoke about how he never judged and never had a negative thing to say about anyone. But some of the few things I remember my grandfather saying were in judgement, cursing the Indians. My young self was shocked to realize he was racist. Maybe he just stopped talking about anything by the time she came around, so she didn't see that in him.

My Dad was the one who said, "He was a good father." I wonder if, as he said that, he wondered if we would say the same thing about him. I wonder if we would. As for me, I feel like I've never had a protector, and that has hurt.

Memorial

We didn't exactly have a funeral for my grandfather. We had a "viewing" at the funeral home, and then a short burial service with the family the next day. It was simple. Oma said it's exactly what she wanted and what he would have wanted.

At the viewing we had a receiving line, and my aunt wanted us grandchildren to be a part of it. I stood first in the line, followed by my cousins and brother, then my aunt, my dad, my second cousin, and Oma, all leading up to the open casket. This was awkward. We stood for an hour, and of all the people who came through, I recognized only one. Over and over I greeted strangers, "Hi! Thanks for coming! We are the grandchildren! I'm Michelle!" I accidentally made a point to introduce us as the grandchildren to my cousin's in-laws, who, of course, knew that already. I was told how wonderful it was that I could come up from the States for the occasion, and mistaken for Lisa several times. My cousin Lisa, who is living in the States, was called Michelle much more, even though she'd met these people way more than I had. Lisa also had someone notice her figure and ask her when she's due. "Er, not too soon." Lisa's not pregnant. It's fortunate that she's comfortable enough with herself to not be crushed by such a comment. Someone told Travis and I that we have an adorable child and it took us a moment to understand what they were saying and to clarify that we were not together, that we were cousins, and that Travis's wife was at that moment chasing their adorable child around the funeral parlour.

On the topic of an open casket: corpses are strange concepts. A body without life. He looked like he belonged in a wax museum.

A lot of people, after coming through the line, greeting us, and viewing my grandfather's body, would then sit down in one of the pews that filled the rest of the room. Perhaps they were taking a moment for their grief, or perhaps they expected more of a service to follow (they left shortly after they were informed otherwise). Meanwhile, my cousins and I were standing at the front, talking and laughing and joking between mourners. It was hard to stay solemn and grim. We recognized this and felt bad for appearing disrespectful or interrupting anyone else's silence, but there seemed to be little we could do.

Family

When you're an adult, and when you live away from "home," you start to adopt surrogate families. Groups that you're a part of take on familial qualities as you share your life with these people. They're generally temporary ties, but some loyalty remains even after life moves us on.

I'm feeling pulled between families. My actual family, the one I am related to by blood, requires me there as we remember my grandfather. And I too feel that I need to be there with them. But I think that we will define the appropriate length of my stay differently. After the main funeral events, I have other obligations pulling me home: the choir that I was a part of and that in some ways was like a family is performing their Christmas concert, and I really want to be there to support them. The next day my major, those at school who are taking what I took, is having a Christmas dinner, and I really want to join them because at one time this group was an important family to me and I like to keep myself in the group just a little bit. I'm not just being selfish in my desire to attend these functions; there's a family loyalty there as well. But I don't think that my biological family will understand these other obligations that I feel I am under. I think they'll expect me to stay with them the whole weekend, being there not just for the funeral but for all the related family time together. I'm being pulled in several directions at once. It doesn't help that we're talking about two completely different cities.

The thing about these extra families is that there is really nothing holding us together but nostalgia. My true family will be my family no matter what, but if I stop showing interest in the other reunions, it won't be very long until I'm alienated from the group. It's easy to skip it once and never go back (in one case), or never be invited back (in the other).
On the other hand, though, I guess I need to look at the long term investment. If I neglect my true family who has invested in me for my entire life and will be there for the rest of it, in favour of supporting some people with whom I used to share something important but now are no longer really a part of my life and won't factor very largely in it in the future, I am not making very good choices. It is not worth sacrificing something important to prolong something relatively unimportant.
And no solution will make everyone happy. Sigh.

Update They didn't expect as much from me as I thought they would. I decided to skip the choir concert but come home in time for the dinner, and I ended up staying longer than my Dad or my brother did. The choir concert turned out to be a gong show due to treacherous roads, and if I had tried to come home for it I probably still wouldn't have been there. They had a mini concert in chapel the next week that I was able to make it for, so I felt like I was still being faithful to them.

Never To Wake No More

Hi Michelle, it's Oma. Just thought I'd let you know that Opa passed away this afternoon. [voice cracks] Not too sure what's going to happen but, we'll let you know. Talk to you later, bye.

It wasn't unexpected. He's been in a home for a while, and he's been failing lately. Last week Oma mentioned that she wouldn't be surprised if he were to die. Yet even when she said that, I didn't feel motivated to suggest going to visit him one last time. Not that it would have made much difference, I suppose.

I've never had anyone I know die before. He's the first grandparent I've lost, even. The only funeral I remember going to was for someone I had never met.

What do you wear to a funeral these days? How about to a viewing, to an interment? Black still seems traditionally appropriate. Something warm, I suppose, for outside. Do you still dress up? Would a dress be more or less appropriate? (It would be a lot less warm... Oh, and I'd have to shave my legs...)

He and I were never close. He was gruff, very closed off, hard to appreciate. But I still grieve, with and for the others who grieve. Maybe it's more a feeling of responsibility than grief, for me. Oma described it as "relief and grief" - for her, it's hard that he's gone, but she's glad he's not living like that anymore.

Often when I visit Oma, I find myself wondering how she fills her time. She doesn't seem to be involved in much, doesn't have many reasons to leave the house or much to do within it. Her daily visits to Opa have filled some of that time. I wonder what she'll do now.

I can have three "bereavement" days off work. I'll take one on Thursday, and then maybe I'll try to save the other two for a few weeks from now and go down and visit Oma again when everything has calmed down a bit. I wonder if they'd let me split them up like that...

I am made aware of my own selfishness here. One reason I only want to use one bereavement day right now is because I have plans this weekend - Christmas concerts and Christmas parties, things I want to attend. I don't plan on staying out of town all weekend, so having extra days off work would just be wasted at this point. They'd be better used later, when it's more convenient for me. For some reason, I'm not willing to drop everything to join my family in an extended time of grief. I'll be there for the important events, but then I'm going back to my life and my plans. (This observation of my selfishness reminds me of when my Oma broke her hip.)

I wonder how successfully I'll be able to navigate the heartfelt tact boat in this situation... Some of the things that could best say "I care and feel your pain" could just as easily come across as "I'm a jerk." For instance, I'm thinking of writing my aunt a sympathy card in which I might call her Abby. That's not her name - her name is Valerie - but that's what Opa called her. I'd be saying "I remember that's how your father referred to you, and that was precious." Or it could appear to be mocking a pain-tinged memory. I guess I won't know unless I try... Is it better to err on the side of distant caution, or to actually touch someone, for good or for bad?

Death. Died. Euphemisms. Passed away. It feels appropriate to use the straight forward words in my own reflections, but it seems so calloused to speak them out loud that I trade them in for something softer. "My grandfather passed away."

Fin de la vacance

Aujourd'hui c'est la derniere jour de ma vacance. Demain je retournerai au travail. Une semaine est court; ma vacance a passe tres rapidement.

L'aventure plus grande de la vacance etait faisant des chocolats. C'etait beaucoup de travail - trop travail! J'ai fait des centres (trois heures pour chaque flaveur - et j'ai decouvri que mon thermometre de bonbon n'est pas bon), j'ai achete du chocolat (je suis allee au marche cinq fois), j'ai invite mes amies, j'ai nettoye mon apartement, et cetera. J'etais fatigue, et j'ai pense de ne faire pas des chocolats. Mais, en la fin, c'etait un jour amusant avec mes amies. Toujours que j'ai invite etaient heureuses avec les chocolats parce que c'est une activite extraordinaire - quelque chose qu'on faire rarement ou jamais, que peut-etre on ne pense pas possible. Je n'etais pas exactement heureuse avec les chocolats - ils etaient tres imparfait (peut-etre parce que toutes les autres ont choisi leurs chocolats avant moi), et ils etaient beaucoup de travail pour moi - mais j'aimais la jour avec mes amies et j'etais heureuse quand c'etait fini.

Les autres choses que j'ai fait pendant ma vacance: j'ai visite ma grandmere pour deux jours (pour aller au "dollar store" et pour l'aide avec les chocolats), et aussi j'ai visite ma mere pour le dinner - avec Justin pour la premier fois. C'etait "reconnaitre la famille," et je pense que ce passait bon. Mon frere a veni aussi, et mon amie Inid. C'etait un bon soir. Et quand nous etions dans cette ville, je et Justin sommes alles a un musee des sports, et c'etait tres interessant.
C'est tout. Aujourd'hui, ma jour final, j'ai reste chez moi, et j'ai lire et crochet. Donc avec Justin je suis allee au marche, et nous avons regardons Star Wars. Ce soir je suis allee pour un cafe avec deux amis de l'ecole.

Et demain, j'irai au travail. Je suppose que je retournerai de beaucoup de problems... mais peut-etre pas. Je donnerai des chocolats a Jared, qui a fait mon travail en mon absence.

La fin de la vacance...

(Pardon, les accents sont difficile pour cette ordinateur... j'espere que vous le comprendrez... si vous comprendez la francais!)
Numero de fois j'ai ouvre la dictionaire: zero!
S'il vous plait, pardonez les problemes!

Vanuatu

Lately I've just been using my new mini-computer and neglecting my bigger laptop, for many reasons: the new one is new and exciting and so cute, and my last one was lacking in speed and mouse-capability and antivirus software. The new one also has limitations though. The most obvious: it's really mini. It's hard to play the Countries Game when the whole map doesn't fit on your screen. So I've been neglecting my geography lately.

But recently I powered up my big computer (which reminded me of all its downfalls) and re-installed some antivirus, and explored Sporcle again. On the World Countries game I missed six (189/195): Barbados, Malta, Chad, Tanzania, Singapore, and Palau. Not too bad considering my long absence!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was in Banff a few weeks ago, I came across some chocolate from Vanuatu in the candy store. I found that very exciting - Vanuatu is such an obscure place to have chocolate from! I bought it, and it was really really good. It's milk chocolate and usually I prefer dark, but that's because milk chocolate often just tastes more like sweet than like chocolate. This stuff actually tastes like chocolate, it's just lighter than dark chocolate. And it doesn't have bizarre stuff added in to make it weird like Mexican chocolate does. (Maybe it helps that although the ingredients came from Vanuatu, the chocolate was made in Belgium. Mmm European South Pacific chocolate!) The description on the box declares, This origin milk chocolate is rich in character and delivers a strong but delightful cocoa flavour, with a hint of coffee and spice, caramel and smoke. It tastes simpler to me than that.

I learned about the existence of Vanuatu through the Countries Game. It was one of the last ones I got, because it's so small and we hear so little about it (it's the 5th most missed on Sporcle). The back of the chocolate box tells me: Vanuatu is a nation of 83 islands in the South Pacific Ocean. Located 1750 km east of northern Australia and 500 km north-east of New Zealand. The country is drowned in amazing beauty with transparent waters, untouched rainforests, reeds and exotic birdlife. Cocoa beans thrive in the thin but highly nutritious volcanic soil. Wikipedia adds that Europeans began to join the native Melanesian people in Vanuatu in the late 1700s, and both France and Britain claimed the territory, calling it New Hebrides. In 1980 Vanuatu became an independent republic following the Coconut War. Two hundred and forty thousand people live there, and they drive on the right hand side of the road. Their anthem is "Yumi, yumi, yumi." I don't know what that means. Their GDP is $2,442 per person, and they score #120 on the Human Development Index with a score of 0.674. (In comparison, Canada's HDI rating of 0.966 gives us 4th place in the world, and we have a GDP of $45,085 per capita.) They don't have any indigenous large mammals, but they do have 11 species of bats. Back in October they experienced a series of earthquakes.

Remembrance

Sometimes there aren't many words. Sometimes the best response is sitting with your hands clasped. That's hard to depict on a blog.

Confession: I don't feel strongly about Remembrance Day. I don't have a lot of military influence in my life to make it significant for me. But just because I don't feel strongly doesn't mean I don't feel anything.

It helps to watch TV. To watch those to whom it means so much. Maybe he was in the war himself, and lost many comrades. Maybe her husband never came home.

I wear a poppy and spend a minute of solemn silence for them. For those who sacrificed - some their lives and some their loves.

Hallowe'en

This is the best Hallowe'en costume EVER!! He was the manager at the restaurant where we ate dinner. Our server gave us a heads up: "Look at how my manager's dressed!" And out of the kitchen came a gigantic Lego man carrying two plates to a table. It was hilarious!

Books Read - Summer 2009

1. My Hutterite Life by Lisa Marie Stahl
2. P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern
3. The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama**
4. Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson
5. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde*
6. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown
7. In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan
8. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
9. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
10. When in Rome by Gemma Townley

** = read in tandem with friends

At A Wedding

Weddings make me feel awkward.
A whole foyer of strangers.
Waiting near the door for the few people I will know to show up,
clutching my sweater to my stomach to give my hands something to do.
I'm not a fan of waiting for people.

**********

It was beautiful, and they are happy.
I like it when you can see elements of the couple in the wedding they've planned.
Smooth stones as centerpieces.

**********

I am glad that I haven't been more a part of his life, that I haven't interfered. I would have just ruined things.

**********

Sometimes people remind me of strange and beautiful... lizards.
Exotic.
Indescribable.
Incomprehensible.

Farewell

So, Patrick is leaving. He's moving away, way up north. For a long time he's wanted to be a manager, and that often means being willing to move around. His opportunity for promotion is taking him far away.
Good for him. I think he'll do well. And he plans to transfer back to this area once he gets some experience. But in the meantime, I'll miss him, and his parting has made me reflect on what his friendship has meant to me.

I remember back to the first time we met, when I thought he was the definition of a jerk (we retell this story all the time). I remember back to the first time we hung out, when he took me out to dinner theater on Valentines Day and we laughed about how despite the way such plans would appear, we were just friends. He took me to Cirque du Soleil that summer. We started having movie days and long conversations. He made chicken noodle soup when I had a cold and gave me chocolate when I had a crisis. He invited me to his special Christmas dinner. I started dating Justin and eventually he started dating Katie, and then we'd all have movie days together. We went out for breakfast and we floated down the river and we tailgated at a football game. He told me when he thought I was spending too much time with Justin and not enough time with my other friends (like him), and he's spread outrageous and hilarious rumors. At times it's seemed awkward, and I haven't always valued his input, but he has always been an incredibly faithful and generous friend to me.

Farewell, Patrick. Thank you for enriching my life.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think I need to start being more intentional about my friendships.
Katie, for instance. This is a sad time for her; her boyfriend is moving away, and things are new enough between the two of them that nothing is certain. She's going to be lonely. I need to help. I want to make intentional efforts to connect with her instead of just waiting until it happens on its own. I make time to hang out. It really wouldn't be so hard for me to plan to take my breaks with her, at least.

I need to realize that my friendships require effort and planning and investment on my end. I can't just coast along.

To Those Who Mourn

Eight years.
I just wanted to say I remember.
I wish you continued healing and peace.

• Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson
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News #3 - A New Car!

And now the most exciting and largest purchase I've made recently: I got a new car! Woo hoo!

It's a 2009 Mazda 3. Here's some of the story.

I wasn't exceptionally pleased with what I was driving. My last car had car cancer (aka rust) and many other things wrong with it, and it wasn't a possession I was proud of anymore. I've been done school for a year now (working full time and not paying tuition), and my bank account is looking healthy enough, and I figured that this it the time when I can make big purchases. A few months ago I was looking into buying a condo, but after not finding anything I really liked I realized that I am more pleased with where I live than with what I drove. So I decided to get a new car this year, and maybe look into a new residence next year.

At first I was looking at brand new cars. The thought of a car with no secrets, one that no one else has driven before, really appealed to me - especially when I considered all the hidden problems the next owner of my last car would be adopting. But nothing appealed to me more than a Mazda 3, and they redesigned 2010 models look really strange - the front grill looks like a great big smile that might eat small children. I preferred the look of the 2009s. Plus, it's significantly cheaper to go used. So that's what I ended up doing. This car is under a year old, has less than 20 000 kms, and has two years of warranty left (and I can and might extend that). It's still new enough to feel new to me.

It's got all sorts of great features that I've never had (or haven't had for a long, long time) - power locks/windows/mirrors, heated mirrors, air conditioning, a CD player, steering wheel stereo controls, and an outdoor thermometer. It didn't have cruise control, but I had them install it because that's something that matters to me. I also had them put on side protectors, because I really value it when the car parked beside me has those - especially when my door bumps theirs. It's a four-door and I'm glad about that - my back seat just seemed so inaccessible to me in my previous two-door.

Justin bought my old car off of me and named her Felicia. Every time he mentioned being interested in it I'd list out everything I knew to be wrong with that car, just so he would be aware of what he was getting himself into. But it is better than what he had, and he and his dad do a lot of their own car work so these problems won't be nearly as expensive for him to fix as they would be for me. It's weird, though, seeing him drive up in my car when it's really his car now.

Woo hoo new car!

News #2 - Laptop

My second new purchase of the past month was a new computer! This purchase was a bit superfluous; I already have a laptop and it is functional, so maybe I didn't exactly need to buy another one. But my other one is three years old and the touchpad mouse is getting sad - the left button has lost its "click" so it's hard to tell if you've really pressed it and that's a little annoying. Then we had mini cute laptops on sale at work and I just couldn't say no. It's so cute! And portable! And although its memory etc is barely respectable for today's standards, it's faster than my big laptop. I'm a fan. =)

News #1 - Glasses

Lots of people are surprised to find out that I wear glasses. But I do. Then they assume that I just always wear contacts. That's not true either. See, my eyes aren't that bad, so I generally just choose to wear my glasses only when I really need them. That is, I wear them when I drive, and maybe to the movies, and that's about it. The rest of the time I just don't see well, but it's good enough.

The last time I got glasses was about six years ago, when my previous pair of glasses had been stolen along with my car. Lately I've been suspecting that my prescription has changed. I'm pretty sure that things are supposed to be clearer than the way I am seeing them, even with my glasses on. So I went to the eye doctor, got a new prescription, and got new glasses.

Yup, things are clearer now through these new glasses, when I wear them. The optometrist suggested that I wear them all the time, based on what my prescription has become. But I'm having a hard time with that. It's easier to just leave them in the car.

Getting new frames helped me appreciate my old glasses. I don't like these ones as much. They're okay - a fun subdued purple colour, an okay shape for my face it seems - but my other frames were smaller and they didn't seem to have anything comparable to that in stock right now. Sigh. And if only I could get the new online benefits system sorted out...

Still though, it is nice to be able to see well.

Return

So now that it's September (Gasp! Where is 2009 going!), I guess it's time to return from my blog-cation. I didn't really miss writing, to be honest. Sometimes I'd feel like I had something to write about and I'd intend to start a post on it, but I would never get around to doing so. It was nice to just be okay with that.

I'm not really sure how blogging will go over the next few months. I am still very tired, feeling like I don't have words, and leaning more towards just being quiet. But I have some news and new acquisitions from the last month, so over the next week or so I shouldn't be too neglectful.

Bad Day

Geoff is on holidays.
And the other girl is back off on a leave.
And Jared is busy in his home dept.
So I am alone in Payroll.

Today was Commit.
And I was alone.

So I started at 5:00,
an hour earlier than we otherwise would on a Monday.
That was okay;
I tried to intend to start at 4:30,
so then 5:00 seemed like a nice compromise.
(That's AM, btw.)

I committed on time!!
The little store and the big store!!
Yay me!!

Things started to slow down after that.
Of the five departments who wanted their numbers,
three of them gave me the
"are they ready??" inquiry
and though the other two were quieter,
they were no less anxious.
And the top manager was asking for the store's totals
long before they were ready.

I was two and a half hours late for lunch
(an hour and a half after the mandatory five-hour mark).
Shauna's break was late too,
and we commiserated.
That was nice.

I had some stress shortly after committing.
It looks like our timeclock wasn't working.
No one's scans appeared on my system.
But it turns out that's just the way it is now.
On a Pay Monday, things won't show up until the afternoon.
But it seems that the lack of scan appearances begins early -
maybe midnight, Ottawa time,
ten o'clock here,
when we still have people working.
It did seem funny to me that twenty people from the evening crew
forgot to scan out on Sunday night.
None of them got paid for the last half of their shifts;
by the time the scans appeared
I had long ago sent the hours into the paying-people company.
They'll get the money next pay.
But I'd never realized before how much work it is
to key in time missed on the last paycheque.
I've always thought it's not that bad,
but I've never had to do nineteen in a row.
It took a couple hours.

And we got a new manager today.
Brand new, from the UK.
She's very nice.
But she doesn't know how things work here,
and everything's a little bit different.
And we need to orientate her to everything.
And I just didn't have time for that today.
Not that I could say that to her.
So I tried to put my stuff on hold
when she came to me with questions,
but I was relieved when Sue took over the conversation.
I'm not good at training people,
especially in Admin, where I'm still on the learning curve.
I just look like an imbecile.
Well, Geoff will look really smart in comparison
when he comes back from vacation.
...And it's not just that I'm not confident
or knowledgeable about my department
or comfortable in my role.
I don't even know how to say things
that I know need to be said.
I don't know how to strike the right tone of voice
and balance that with the right words and context.
It makes me feel like I don't know how to communicate,
like I don't know how to be a person.

I like it when people make me feel like I'm good at what I do.
I need to borrow confidence from others?
I definitely didn't feel like that today.

1:30 - supposed to be off
2:00 - conversation with a higher manager
"I'm going to need some overtime today." "Okay."
3:00 - time I hoped to get out by
4:20 - I finally started packing it up

First 8 hours - straight time
Next 3 hours - time and a half
Over 11 hours - double time

Even though I hadn't gotten to any of the post-commit Monday stuff I always get done by this time, I was getting close to the double-time mark, the mark of working way too long. I felt anxious and stressed and I was ready to go.

I did the final update on the computer before leaving -
- and it didn't go through.
I've never had that happen before,
and I feared it indicated deeper problems
(especially with the previous problems of the day).
I brought it up with a manager,
but he knows nothing about the Payroll program.
I called the help desk.
They gave me a number for this program's help desk.
There I got an answering machine,
and a different number to call for "Critical Business Situations."
I didn't know if this qualified,
and the manager suggested calling to see.
The person I got ahold of was less than pleasant
and unkindly assured me that my concern was not worthy.
I got off the phone with tears.
Definitely time to go.
Four forty three.
Eleven hours and thirteen minutes.

On my way out...
Anson noticed my tears
and gave me a hug.
Sue made a point to tell me
that I had done a really amazing job today
especially considering the difficult situation I was in.
And the new manager said
she'd answer to anyone
who was rude to me.
I appreciated this.
She will stand up for us.
And my good work was noticed.
I couldn't imagine that I was unappreciated.
But it was a sacrifice; it came at a cost.

I cried the whole way home.
I cried until I was dizzy,
and then it was hard to drive.
And I yelled too.
Yeah, hysterical.
I haven't done that in a while.
It was a bad day.

Blog-less August

So, I find myself with an unspoken goal of publishing ten posts a month on my blog. If the number is lower than that as the end of the month approaches, I feel the obligation to write more and meet my goal. But... I have the most to say on my blog when I am spending a lot of time alone. That's when I end up putting a lot of time into thinking about things, and also when I have time to write and really develop those thoughts. That's not so characteristic of my life right now, though. Lately I've been spending more time living life than reflecting on it, I guess. And so I have less to write. Then that inspiring goal becomes a burden.
So for the next month, I'm removing my personal expectations. If I don't write anything in August, I'm okay with that. If I have things that I need to write about that's okay too, but I'm not going to set a minimum. (Who knows, maybe the freedom to not post will actually inspire more blogging!) We'll see what happens.

(none)

The doorbell didn't work. And they didn't hear when I knocked. I was stuck outside. After I had gone the wrong direction and was still hoping I found the right house.
That feels embarrassing.
It reminds me of how I felt when I got to the restaurant early to get us a table, but they got their own table when they arrived and I had to move over to join them.
It's hard to enjoy our time together afterwards.
Even just these two examples show too many such situations lately.
And I feel like a terrible person when I don't feel warmly towards my friends.

But the blanket I made and gave them is in the baby's play pen. And she has a picture of me on her wall and on her fridge.
I am valued.

Friendship is an investment. You don't get anything back without putting anything in, and what you gain is somewhat proportional to what you give. Still, sometimes you are surprised because an average investment brings you an amazing amount of pleasure in return. Other times, however, your investment brings very little in return. Like the stock market, friendships go through peaks and valleys, high times and low times. It's not a simple game. And I guess it can't be simplified enough to fit it into this analogy: unlike monetary investment, friendship is not all about me, not all about getting.

Life is awkward and full of angst, hard to maneuver graciously but spotted with enough good to keep you moving forward.

Today's Minutiae

I got a new cell phone ringtone recently: Walking in Memphis, by Lonestar. I don't know what it is about that song, but I really really like it. Hearing it almost tastes like good.

We got new toys for Benny today. (Benny's the barbeque. It's short for Albany, his model name.) He got a new BBQ lighter ('cause his igniter died), a stick-on tank gauge, and a chicken drumstick cooking rack. Woo hoo!

We also went shopping at M&M Meats today. The other day we were looking through the flyer, and there were so many things that looked so good that we just had to go there today and stock up. I'll just say that I'm glad I have a big freezer! I even signed up for the loyalty card.

So between Benny and M&M Meats, tonight we had stuffed potatoes and bacon wrapped Pac-Man turkey. (As well as being an amusing shape, it allows you to ensure that the turkey is cooked!)

And then the rest of the night was spent cleaning. My landlords are inspecting all the apartments over the next few days, and I generally (never!) keep my place inspection-worthy. Getting it to that point took a lot of hard work. But it hasn't been this clean in a long, long time. I have a bedroom floor again! And all the dishes are washed!

Cleaning time cut into sleeping time though. I have to work in 4 hrs and 39 mins. Mergh.

Update: The inspection turned out well enough, I guess - I was out all day and there was nothing to indicate otherwise when I got home. It's nice to have a clean place again. Even my bedroom is clean, and that hasn't happened in a long time! It's a lot of effort to make it that way, and it even feels like quite a bit of effort to keep it that way. I'm not sure how long I want to try to keep this up. Maybe I'll make a goal of a week, and see how I feel about it after that.

The chicken drumstick cooker didn't quite fulfill my hopes though. It fell over and caused lots of smoke that flooded through the window into my bedroom and set off the fire alarm (first time ever - it has a really funny sound!). And the chicken didn't even get cooked! Plus, it was impossibly hard to get clean afterwards. Hopefully it will work better next time, else Benny's new toy will have a short life.

Birthday

It's birthday season again. Happy Birthday to me! I had a good birthday.

It started the day before. Leah and I had plans to hang out and watch a movie. I thought it was just going to be a low key evening, just her and me. I got there and shouted a hello as I walked in, and she answered back "I'm in the living room playing guitar hero!" Oh, so that's what kind of night this is going to be, I thought. And I walked around the corner - and lots my friends popped out! It was a surprise party! Leah had even tracked down some of my work friends (through an email I'd sent to them all). She'd considered my favorite kind of cake, music, and movies. I was so impressed. Thanks, hon.

My actual birthday was actually kinda low key, but that was nice. Justin had just gotten home from Nova Scotia that morning, so we hung out together when I got off work. It was so nice to see him again. We went out for dinner, and then we came back to my place and fell asleep! It sounds dull but it was so nice.

The next day was the birthday party I planned. Many of my friends and I went out for dinner together. It was an easy party to plan: I didn't have to do any cooking or cleaning! It was nice to be surrounded by people I care about, people who care about me. I only wish I had more attention to share around the table - I wanted to be part of all the conversations.

I'm older now. But I've been getting used to this new age for the last few months, so it doesn't feel like a big change all of the sudden. Sometimes, though, when I compare my life with other people my age or younger, I feel like I'm falling behind, like I haven't achieved much in comparison. Most of the time I realize that my life is what it needs to be, but every so often that feeling sneaks up on me.

On a birthday card to me, one friend wrote: Please know no matter how busy or flaky I am, I am constantly grateful to have you as a friend. You are wonderful and I always adore you. That was nice to hear, because we don't get much time together and sometimes that makes me wonder. Other cards hilighted the journey aspect of life and how they are glad we walk it together.

Television

Well the rabbit ear peasant vision hasn't been cut off yet, like they've been threatening for months and months and months. I guess that digital hasn't overtaken everything yet: analog signals are still going out, and my TV is still picking them up. Sweet.

But Rachel Ray is really annoying. I've never watched her show before to notice that; I've only thought she looked pretty on the front of her cookbooks. But once you hear her voice... definitely irritating. No one should be that excited about coffee ice cubes, even if it is a good idea. Gaaah!

Alberta's Wages

So I've been thinking about reading the Labour Law for a while. Both as a supervisor and as a payroll clerk, it interests me to know what the law actually says regarding how employees have to be treated. I'm not sure if or when I will actually do this, but today I got around to looking it up on the internet. On related websites I found some pretty interesting statistics on Alberta wages:

• The minimum wage in Alberta is $8.40 per hour.
• Only 1.3% of workers earn this (less than 20, 000 people).
• The average wage in Alberta is $24.17/hr.

It surprises me that so few people in Alberta actually earn minimum wage (despite how often we recognize that every employer has to pay much more than that to attract or retain any staff), and that the average person earns three times the required minimum wage. I guess there are as many people below the average than there are above, though. I was surprised by the statistics for other provinces as well. They're a little more moderate than Alberta, but most provinces (that had statistics listed) have a minimum wage between $7.75 and $9.50 and an average wage around $20.00, with much less than 10% earning only the minimum. (Also, some other provinces institute a lower minimum wage for youths or for people with no work experience!) Although the numbers seem generous to me, I wonder how far people are actually able to stretch that amount of money. For me, I live comfortably with what I get paid, but I live conservatively. Maybe more people than I thought are in a similar boat.

Source: Work Rights

Raining

Hope

Some friends and I are going to read The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama together. It's an effort to make our book club more than just a neat idea. We'll see how it goes. We're not really sure how it's going to work, which may be why we've never read anything together although we technically started this over a year ago.

I like the title. "Hope" is a loaded word for me, though, so in the face of reading this book I thought I'd articulate some of my feelings towards that concept. (Good morning, pessimism.)

I think that hope is dangerous. I think that's one of my mottos. And I don't mean good dangerous. When you hope, you have the strong possibility of being crushed. Your heart gets set on a particular positive outcome, and the discouragement and disillusionment that come when the object of your hope are not forthcoming make you worse off than you were before. Also, naivety often disguises itself as hope, and once you learn this you cannot help but be suspicious.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...
...Proverbs 13:12...

I am well acquainted with the sickness of heart that arises from dashed hopes. With low expectations, I am less likely to be disappointed. I am more able to make what I can out of my current circumstances instead of grasping for things outside my reach. I can exchange desperation for peace. It seems better this way.

Crazy

Justin went home to Nova Scotia this week for a holiday. This is one of the first times he's gone anywhere while we've been dating - usually it's me going to visit Mom, or Dad, or Oma, or Cuba, and leaving him behind at home. I've taken this opportunity to try to plan a lot of activities with friends. Usually I am satisfied to just spend a lot of time with Justin, but that's not an option this week and there are many people I ought to connect with. I don't want to spend the week all alone.

I've had a really rough week though. I'm not okay. I've been crying a lot. I haven't been eating well. I've taken a lot of naps and remembered how I used to say "I think I abuse sleep." I wonder how much this has to do with Justin being gone. On one hand, I know it's pretty separate from that. I have reasons for why I'm not okay: work stuff has been hugely discouraging, and I've had some friendship crises come up lately too. But I usually handle stuff better than this, at least lately. Despite my efforts to have a social week, I usually don't spend this much time alone. Usually I can talk it over with Justin, and then we cook supper and spend a lot of time together and that distracts me from my problems and gives me an alternative to focus on. Now I just stew in them.

He's an upper in my life. It's nice to see that. I really like having him in my life.

He calls every day or two and we have a brief chat. I like that. I've told him a bit about what's going on, but I haven't really gotten into it. For one thing, several times when he's called he's woken me up from a nap so I'm not incredibly articulate. And I don't want to be a rain cloud over his vacation. I want him to have fun and not worry about me. I never want my craziness to be a burden to him.

Kay

She emailed today. We haven't heard from her in a while. Part of that was our doing - much of our time together for a while was spent doing something related to our trip to Cuba, and she had declined to join us so we obviously didn't include her in the planning times. That seemed like the best thing at the time, but looking back I see how she could feel hurt by that time of silence. When we returned I invited her through emails whenever we got together for coffee, and heard no response from her. This week was the third attempt. This time she sent an explanation.

I feel that I am not really part of the group anymore. We are all in different places in life and I have felt for a while that I don't really connect with you guys anymore. You all have a connection in other areas in your life and go on vacation together and I just feel like an outsider and have for some time.

It's true. She is in a much different place in her life; she is married and has a baby. That makes it harder for us to connect, but not impossible. As for connections between the rest of us... we were in school together a year longer than she was, true. And the other two girls work together, but I don't share that connection. Vacation, yes, we went on vacation together. We not only invited her to come, but she was in on the initial suggestion of it a year before. At that point she was coming along, but when we actually started making it happen she said no for financial priority reasons. I tried to respect that, but I was disappointed. "For some time"... that didn't start with this Cuba adventure. She'd been skipping coffee times with us for a long time before that. When I wrote her a Christmas card I tried to say that I knew it was important that her family was her priority, but I felt left out of her life. That Christmas card never got to her, and then she came out for coffee once shortly after New Years. That's the last time I saw her.

It's not our fault. It's not our fault that we don't have children, or that she didn't come to Cuba with us, or that we we still went on a vacation together after she said she couldn't come along. Granted, we could have called her more, but I don't think she's ever called me, and there's only a few times over the years that she initiated plans with us.
But just because it's not our fault doesn't mean she's unjustified in how she feels. She's the one who taught me that all experience is valid. I'm sad that this is how she feels.
I think anyone can be friends. I don't think it has to be this way. It's a matter of wanting it, and of trying... and of an intangible connection factor. We used to have that. It's sad to mourn its extinguishment. But I don't know how to keep it alive, especially if she's already gone.

What to say in response... How do I say I value her? I feel like I need to let her go without guilt, but maybe instead I should fight for her friendship. But fights always have casualties; it might turn out to be more painful that way, with similar results.

Thank you for your email and your honesty. I'm so sorry this is how you feel. I will miss you (I do miss you, it's not just a future thing), and I wish you well.

Remembering... coffee times. Honesty and openness and listening and speaking truth to each other. Confession and tears. How brilliant and rational and beautiful she is. How we have matching t-shirts.
All is loss.

Work News

So aside from my saddening review and my dread of returning to Front End, here is some of the work news that I've been meaning to share for the last month or so.

I'm still in Payroll. It's been about four months now. The other girl has been on an extended leave, so I've been covering her position. And it's been great. I've learned a lot, and it's been really nice to have all my evenings free. I've discovered that I really like paperwork and office tasks.

We trained a new guy too: Jared. At first I was really excited about this - from the minimal amount that I'd worked with him before he seemed like a really dynamic guy. But close up, he gets a little annoying. If I never hear his "der derder der" again, that will be fine. My opinion of him at the end of his month in Payroll isn't what I expected.
It was weird not being the newest person in Payroll anymore. I was used to doing all the grunt work and also all the medium-hard work to learn how to do it - but now Jared got to do all that. I wasn't quite ready to let go yet! And he was doing all my work! With three of us in there (and Jared's a quick learner), we were running out of things to do for the week.
The training dynamic was a little weird. During my cross-training, Geoff was the only one who taught me; the other girl had little input when she was there. When we trained Jared, though, I seemed to think it was just that - us training him. He knew me better than he knew Geoff, so he started by looking over my shoulder. And then one of the next tasks to be done was something that I actually knew better than Geoff (I'd come up with a new and better way to do it), so I introduced it to Jared. Then he just started asking me most of his questions. I felt bad about this - I hoped that Geoff didn't think I was taking over his role as trainer! So I tried to be more hands-off about it; I'd say things like, "So, should I do this termination, or do you want to show Jared how to do it?" And Geoff would respond, "Oh, you can show him how!" So I did. I suspect that perhaps Jared was bothersome to Geoff too, so he didn't mind having less interaction with him.

When I went on vacation a few months ago, I thought about all the things Geoff would have to do alone while I was gone, and I figured that he cannot go on vacation because I couldn't do it without him. But the time has come for Geoff's vacation. I won't be doing the job alone like he was - I'll have Jared - but in Geoff's absence, I have to be the expert. I'll have to do all the really hard things, and I'll come across all sorts of questions that he won't be there to answer. I guess this will be my chance to get acquainted with the Payroll lady at Head Office! I'm nervous, but I know it won't be a disaster. That shows me how much I've grown both in the Payroll role and in my confidence about it.

The other girl is expected to return from her leave next week. I'm not really looking forward to that, for many reasons. First, it means that eventually I will have to return to Front End. Especially after the disaster of my recent review I am dreading that. She will return while Geoff is on holidays so I'll stay in Payroll until he is back, but she is not a pleasant person and I'm not excited to work with her. Also, it will be awkward. She knows me as someone who knows nothing about Payroll (I'd only been in there ten days when she left); now Geoff tells me I know more than she does. I'll still be the expert, but she has done it for much longer than I have. Several things have changed since she's been gone, and I don't know how to tactfully introduce those things to her. That will be a strange balance of power.

Review

It's nearing my work anniversary. Eight years. Dude.
Every year we do an annual review. I rate myself and discuss my goals, then one of my managers rates me and expresses comments, and then we sit down and talk about it.
Today was the discussion. Not a fan. This put a really bad spin on my day.
Two significant things arose - things that I didn't realize were such a big deal, two conversations I had forgotten about.

First... A few months ago, earlier on in my Payroll experience, a few of my managers together asked me how I was enjoying Payroll. I said I really liked it, and I honestly expressed that one thing I really enjoyed was not having to push the company's programs. I'm not a fan of Programs (the credit card, etc.). Having to push them makes me very uncomfortable, and it's been wonderful to be in Payroll and not have to worry about that. But it turns out that voicing my feelings to my managers was a very bad idea. They feel very strongly about Programs - the programs are for the good of the company - and my managers feel it is very concerning if I am not fully supportive, especially considering my role as a supervisor. Had I not said anything, they probably wouldn't have noticed, or if they had it wouldn't have been to the same degree. But now they will be keeping their eyes on me when I get back to Front End (which may happen by the end of the month), making sure I'm producing the necessary results. Because I said I don't like Programs, I will have to focus on them so much more. It makes me not want to go back. It also makes me think I should keep my mouth shut and not be honest with them about how I feel about things. Anything I say can and probably will be used against me.

Next... One of my special supervisor tasks is to keep track of how many people we have on each till each day (a topic referred to as "Till Integrity"), and I've been able to keep up with this even while I've been in Payroll. The goal is to have no more than four cashiers per till so that if there are any shortages etc they are easier to track. It can be a challenge, though, for the "Board Runner" to achieve this goal; it's easier to just disregard it. At the beginning of last week, when I was updating everyone on how Till Integrity was going, I thought it would help motivate them to try if I offered an incentive, so I promised a prize to the Board Runners for clean till integrity that week. This email goes to the managers as well as the other supervisors, and the top manager responded by asking what the prize was and why he hadn't been told. I talked to him on my way out that day, and explained that I hadn't told him about it because I had just thought about it without a lot of planning, and the prize was a chocolate bar. He responded that a chocolate bar is not a good prize so if we're going to give a prize it should be something else, but we really shouldn't even be giving prizes. We get in trouble with the auditor for doing so because it's part of people's jobs and it should simply be rewarded with praise, not with prizes. I argued that sometimes affirmation means more when it is tangible. Plus, a chocolate bar was what I was willing to give - I bought a case of a new fun kind and I definitely have enough to share. It's not an amazing prize, but I figured the recognition would matter as much as the item. I didn't feel like this was a big deal - just a small unofficial recognition from me for success on the project I'm in charge of. But my manager seemed to think it was a big deal. This conversation was very discouraging for me. I had been pretty excited about what I was doing, but he rained all over my parade. In the end he gave me his tentative okay.
But it showed up on my review, in areas like receiving constructive criticism, following direction and coaching, seeking input and advice, and respecting management's decisions. They wrote, "We want you to know the difference of snap decisions compared with decisions that require communication with management." Really?
I did a good thing. I care enough about my coworkers and I care enough about my project that I was willing to invest something into recognizing successful efforts, intending by doing so to improve both results and morale. And all I got for it was criticism, negativity, and a black mark on my review, which is part of my permanent record. I wasn't looking for recognition or praise for this; I expected it would be quietly appreciated and then forgotten. I really didn't expect it to turn out badly for me. They didn't even balance out their negativity with a "That was nice of you."
I guess the moral of the story is that I need to talk everything over with my manager. I think that sometimes bureaucratizes and ruins things, but it that's what they want, I'll acquiesce to it. Or I'll just not try anything like this stunt that requires such discussion again.
I still don't really understand, though. I don't get why I need to pass something like this by him. I don't understand why the offer of a small prize could be considered a problem. Although I wasn't pleased with our conversation either, I didn't realize that it was such a big deal to him that he felt it was necessary to address in my review. So this situation re-raises all my fears about social ineptitude, about thinking along a different wavelength than everyone else, about thinking something is okay when it really is not. The criticism of my nice deed is hard, but what is worse is that it fuels my own deeper fears.

Elle

- very well intentioned
- wants to be a great friend to me
- ... I'm not sure I want her close anymore

Old Grievances
- phoned to tell me all about what was going on in her life, and then said "I better go" before asking about mine - taught me that this isn't a friendship where I should expect to share/be open
- spaghetti sauce for xmas - "this is really basic, low-grade stuff" - but it was my best
- wedding date - "Still in April?" "What? You still think that?"
- cleaning up her kitchen - "everything's in the wrong spot" instead of "thank you!" - today I tidied up after dinner, and I felt awkward when she expressed her gratitude and helped. I wanted it to be ignored. It's what I do anyway.

- "either way" - your catch phrase makes no sense in context!

- you remember too clearly who I was, and I think your expectations are still based on that
- conversations feel like a report, not an exploration
- I feel reticent to share
- I usually don't like your responses to whatever I do share

- I can't believe anything you say. Your plans for the future will not come true. Just listening to them exhausts me. You say everything with such confidence, but still it doesn't last.
- Maybe this time you're right. Maybe things are changing. I don't know if I believe it.

- I wonder if I only have a certain amount of energy for each friendship. If so, you used it up a long time ago.
- You are devoted to our friendship because I stood by you through so many things. Now you want to return the favour. But it takes energy for me to receive your friendship, and I have checked out. I only stay for nostalgia's sake.

Proud

My brother is working on something he calls Project 365. The idea is that he takes a picture every day and posts it, along with a description. Kinda like a blog, it allows us to keep up with his life. And I love catching a glimpse of my brother in this way. I don't often get a chance to see who he is in the real world. He takes amazing pictures, and he tells fantastic stories. And - and - he mentions me one time! (I'm such a ditz for my brother.) And even when he's just talking about mundane things - eating ice cream and feeling secretly happy about math problems - or when his picture of the day is a rainstorm or the inside of his fridge, I'm just so proud that he is my brother. Maybe that's the unconditional flavor of love. "I can't pinpoint the reasons why I feel this way, but I'm just so honored that you're mine."

Pre

I went walking alone tonight. It was dark and late, and I carried my keys like a weapon, just in case, just like you taught me. You cared enough to teach me how to defend myself. Although I forgot a lot of your other suggestions, I remembered that.
I missed you tonight. You probably miss me too.
But I can't fix it. Things are this way for many reasons.

Jay

I remember three years ago, in the summer, when I wondered if we were "breaking up." You were cancelling plans with me and you weren't returning calls. I wondered if the problem was me or you. I wondered if you even wanted to be my friend. The great distance I felt between us suggested to me that I wasn't important to you. I echoed Beaches and cried: "What am I going to do without a best friend?" Three years ago...

We have been out of each other's lives for so long. You were busy. You weren't well. You stopped writing. I didn't know what was going on in your life. That made it hard for me to continue to consider you a necessary part of mine.

Granted, it was long-distance. But it was easy enough for you to come to where I had lived with your other friends... for you to come home to see your family all the time...

You didn't even tell me your new phone number. You never answered or returned the calls I made to your cell phone. There were times when I really needed you, but I couldn't get in touch so I hid the tears as I left a message that you wouldn't respond to. Then our other friend would tell me about how she talked to you - how she had your phone number, how you'd return her calls. Why not mine?

I came to your recital, and was glad to do so to support you. But as I saw a glimpse of your life there, I didn't see any touches of myself. There was not one picture of me in your room. None of your friends had any idea who I was (although they were fully familiar with our other friend). These things told me that I'm not a part of your life there, that I'm not important to you.

We've changed so much (at least I have...) and we're very much out of each other's lives now. Do we have any common ground anymore? Is there anything left?

Road Trip

So a couple of months ago Justin and I were brainstorming things we could do together and places we could go to get out of town. I mentioned Waterton as we tried to think of other Banff-type places. It's not close, though, so we might have to make it a overnight trip, I commented. And he really jumped on this idea. He brought it up again shortly after I got home from Cuba, but I was so tired that I just felt overwhelmed by the idea. Then I realized I'd have a couple extra days off this week, and I started to feel comfortable with the idea of planning a Waterton trip.

It seems like a lot of people have never heard of Waterton. (Justin was one of them.) It is a National Park in the bottom left corner of Alberta, nestled along the borders with BC and Montana. On the other side of the American border the park extends into Glacier National Park, and the BC counterpart is the Akamina-Kishinina Provincial Park. The hilights of Waterton are the mountains and Waterton Lake (pictured here).

Waterton boasts some of the best hiking in the Rockies. I'm not much of a hiking enthusiast, though, and neither is Justin. We prefer "hike-slash-walks" that lean more in the direction of "walk." We took a couple of walks: we walked along the lake beside the town in the dark the first night we got there, we walked around Cameron Lake (which reminded me of Lake Louise in how it was completely surrounded by mountains), and we walked the loop around Red Rock Canyon before we left to come home. And we even took something that would definitely be considered a hike: the Bear's Hump. It was described as "moderate/difficult," but it was only an hour long (return) so we figured we could handle it. We did, but it was hard. Justin called it the worst 1.4 kms of his life. But we made it, and the view from the top was rewarding. It was interesting to notice my own style of hiking. I take really little steps, and they turn out really slow because each step has two parts: foot down, leg straight. It works for me though!

A website describing "Things to do in Waterton" suggested going down into the States and driving along the Going To The Sun Highway through Glacier National Park. It sounded pretty, so we did that the first day before going to Waterton. It was great! There were so many places to stop, so many things to look at, so much to do. We wished we had more time to see everything - there was so much we passed by for the sake of time, and we turned back when we'd only gone half way. We're planning to go back sometime.

The border guard that met us as we returned to Canada after spending a few hours in the States was suspicious of our story. It seemed unlikely to him that people would only leave the country for part of a day, and then return with few new acquisitions. He questioned us about our employment status and how we knew each other, and made us pop the trunk. I couldn't believe we looked shifty enough to warrant his suspicions. It was nice to have nothing to hide though. Maybe he was being driven crazy by the monster mosquitos they had in that area.

One great thing about both Waterton and Glacier, especially in comparison to a place like Banff, is how quiet it was. We were often the only people around, or there would be a few others. No crowds. No bustle. It felt like we had the mountains to ourselves. I really liked that, and I'd definitely go again.

'versary

It's been three years since I broke up with my ex.

This was a Postsecret postcard quite a long time ago. It's not exactly descriptive of my situation because I don't call that abuse (but some other people hinted at the term). Abuse is either really obvious or pretty vague. Still, I identified with this postcard. I was so relieved to get out.

Three years. Three years, and I'm still afraid of being accused of being indiscreet, still have a hard time considering myself kind because he said I wasn't, still afraid of being burdened with someone else's problems or leaning too hard with my own, still afraid of your anger and my tears, still feel uncomfortable with the thought of in-laws either loving or hating me, still unable to think that anything will last forever, still not interested in considering marriage. The realism that I traded for naivety has jaded into pessimism that makes me hesitant towards the future.

I sense the looming question: "If this residue from that relationship still remains, doesn't that mean you're not over it, not actually ready to be moving on?" No, that's not it. Some things linger for a long time - they change you and become a part of who you are. You're over the relationship, but you can't deny who it made you or expect that you should come out completely unscathed. For better and for worse, I am so much different than I was back then.

And I have come pretty far in the past three years. I no longer feel nauseous at the thought of a relationship (obviously) - that's some pretty big progress. I think I've mostly given up the princess attitude that used to come out sometimes. I've hugely improved at considering my problems my own and not making them someone else's problem as well, and at letting my boyfriend be himself without trying to manipulate him into what I think he should be. Growth!

Three years. The tone of tonight is that of another calm "Farewell."

Books Read - Spring 2009

1. Christians at the Cross by N. T. Wright
2. The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky*
3. Hometown Tales by Philip Gulley
4. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
5. Confessions of a Caffeinated Christian by John Fischer
6. Fifth Business by Robertson Davies*
7. Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
8. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
9. Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner
10. Dana's Valley by Janette Oke

Success

I got them all today.
All the countries in the World Countries Game.
All one hundred and ninety five.
I'm impressed with myself.
And a little unsettled.
It's weird when you actually achieve a goal that you've been working on for a while.

Catching Up

So I went out for coffee today with an old friend. We used to be close, and then we grew apart, and then he moved away. Now we rarely see each other - only when he's in town (this is the first time) or when I'm visiting Oma (sometimes). We don't otherwise keep in touch, but our friendship hasn't died like I thought it might. It's actually better now. When we do go for coffee it's a novelty and we have really good conversations. There's a history between us of speaking honestly and not hiding what lies beneath the surface, and the potential for that has remained. Sometimes I find that I discover where I'm at when I discuss it with him.

Today I was late because I got stuck at work. And then way before I expected, he was looking at his watch and I was asking "do you need to go at a particular time?" and he was getting up and leaving. So many things that I thought we'd talk about, we didn't.
And that's okay. Things are the way they need to be, even though they're not always the way I think they'll be.

I thought it would be worthwhile to note some of what I would have said if we had had endless time. The updates of the last six months, the things that came to mind when I anticipated going out for coffee with him:
... I've been in a phase lately where I've been worrying again that I'm socially inept.
... I'm still with Justin. It's been good, it's been really good. Actually, I broke up with him, um, a month or two ago (?), but then after crying for a week I decided I wanted to get back together. It was kinda cool to see that I do want to be with him.
... The distance between me and God is solidifying.

Conversation

"So do you think it would be weird if I dated him?"
"Hmm, no."
"Really?"
"Well, I've had a few weeks to get used to the idea. I thought it was weird at first, but it doesn't seem so odd anymore. You've kept me in the loop. Thanks!"
"That's 'cause you're the only one I talk to! If it wasn't for you, I might as well be back where I was living during the school year!"
"Really? 'Cause you thought you felt like you had no friends there."
"Well, I had my sister."
"And you wanted to come back here 'cause you felt like you had way more of a social life here."
"That's 'cause I can just call you up and we can get together and crochet or go for coffee or something. I can't do that with my sister - she's always busy with the kids."

So I'm her social life, and I'm the only one who knows everything that's gong on. I'm honored to be that important to her. But I don't think what we have is adequate.

I think our society creates a lot of lonely people.

More Neglect

So, we were sitting in the break room, and the girl we were talking to said something about never ditching her friends when she has a boyfriend. And he turned his head towards me and gave me an obvious look, and said something like "Unlike someone!" I know he was saying it in fun - that's what he does. And I know he feels like I don't spend enough time with him since I've been dating Justin. He told me that himself once, and then he told Katie, who told me, and then I think they talked about it again because she brought it up with me again.

I've been trying lately. But it took me three weeks to work up enough energy to choose a day to have him over for dinner, choose a menu, and clean sufficiently to make me feel like I could have company. It's easier when we just hang out at his place (he has all the cool toys - hot tub and big screen TV), but I feel awkward about suggesting plans there because I hesitate to invite myself over. I also want this to be a balanced friendship where I give as much as I take. If I feel like I don't have much to offer, I don't think I should take much from him.

It's easier now that Katie's home - we can all hang out together, and it's more likely that plans will get made. He concluded the break room conversation by saying, "It's okay now, we have movie nights again," with a grin. He looked really really happy about that.

But the pressure to make time for him makes me feel exhausted.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

And it turns out he's not the only one. Tonight, on one of those movie nights, we were talking about mutual friends and he (the same "he") mentioned a situation that happened earlier this week when we were planning this get-together. I arrived at work and he asked what days off I had, and then we arranged to do something tonight. Someone else, a guy I had been good friends with, overheard this and responded with exacerbation after I left the area. "Sure, she has time to hang out with you, but not with me?!!" Then he stormed off. I didn't know he felt that way; I though we both just accepted that we had grown apart (and I think it began before I got a boyfriend). But I guess I have another plate to add to the spinning plate party of guy friends who are feeling neglected.

I don't know if it's worth an apology. I don't know if I feel sorry. I'm not sure it could be otherwise, and I just feel tired.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

It seems that they think that I decline plans with them a lot. "I've asked over and over," they say. I don't see that. I can't think of any times when they've said, "Do you want to get together on this day?" that I've answered no. It's more likely to go: "We should do something sometime." "Yeah, we should!" And then we just never do. That's not me blowing them off! I just have a hard time with un-specific-ness. If you actually want to hang out with me, I need you to suggest a specific date, and knowing a time and activity would help too. If it's too vague I don't have anything to grab on to. "We should hang out sometime" really doesn't mean much to me. And it's not fair if you feel like I'm neglecting you because I'm not chasing you down with plans when you're too shy to suggest anything specific yourself.

Some things only last for a little while. My guy friendships seem to be like that. I notice that over the past couple years, I tend to only have one primary guy friend at a time. One friendship ends and another begins. They've each had their turn. This time it's a little different because I have much more with Justin than I did with any of them, but the principle is similar. Still, it can be painful when something ends, and I need to understand that their experience of this might be different than mine is. They might not be okay with the seasonal aspect of our frienship. The first guy flat out told me, "I need you in my life."
Sigh.

Thoughts on Working

On her blog, she wrote:

Tomorrow I have to work and I'm cringing at the idea. I hate work. I've reached that point in my year where I curse the thought of working full-time. My co-worker and friend says it happens to everyone around summer. When I work full time I become so aware that my time is not my own and that over 1/3 of my day I put effort into something that really doesn't concern or affect me at all except to pay the bills.

Reading her thoughts made me notice my own. I don't feel that way. I am so glad I have a job to go to for eight hours a day so that I don't have to worry about filling that time myself. I have no idea what I would do if I wasn't working. Of course there's a long list of chores and projects that are currently neglected, but I know they wouldn't get done anyways because I wouldn't be in the mood. I would just sit around awkwardly, lamenting the lack of structure. At least when I'm working I'm getting out of the house, I'm interacting with people, and I have purpose. And I like the money it provides me with. I haven't had to worry in a long time, and I'm grateful.

Of course it helps that I really enjoy the job I'm doing right now. I'm past the crazy part of the learning curve, but there is still a lot to learn and it is challenging. I don't work with anyone who bothers or frustrates me; I enjoy the few coworkers I regularly interact with. I get my evenings free, so I don't feel like work has to be my whole entire life.

And of course, I still wish I didn't have to get up so early - or get up at all - for work. I wish work wasn't a conflict with sleep. But even for that reason, I don't dread it.

In my contrast between my attitude and my friend's, besides the obvious benefits of liking your job or not minding the necessity of going to work, I'm not sure that I come out on top. I think my fondness for work is in a way a discomfort with and an escape from life.

Sigh.

Neglect

It's been a while since I've written much.
I'm sorry.
I'm still intending to write more about Cuba
and share some reflections on other things that have happened since.
It's just that I'm so tired.
Reflection takes energy,
and writing takes even more.
Sigh.

I sense that I have some important topics for reflection approaching
and I don't relish it.
Too hard.
Too bad.

Sleep is my favorite.

Negotiations

So we're negotiating a new employee agreement at work right now. Although we're not unionized it's kinda run as if we were. Every three years we get a new employee agreement, and they ask for our input for it. We get together in a series of meetings where we brainstorm everything we might want to ask for, and then, trying to represent our people, narrow that list down to our top ten requests. Actually, the more I take part in these negotiations, the less value I see in them - the big guys are only going to consider the top ten most popular requests from across the country, so if we have a really great novel idea, it won't even get considered unless everyone else has the same idea (making it less novel). It always ends up being the same things. And just because we ask doesn't mean they give us our request. "Considered" doesn't mean "granted." Still, I participate to show that I care about this, to demonstrate involvement instead of apathy, and to say thanks for the opportunity to do so. In some ways it feels like voting.

These meetings are always a conflict in values. The greatest point of strife generally seems to be between new staff and old staff. We want to keep our new staff, but we also want to reward our long-term people. If we focus too much on one end, the other people feel resentful. Who wants to start at a company that ignores you until you've been there for ten years? But on the other hand, if we try to make things cushier for the new staff so that they might become long-term employees, those who have been already been here for a long time feel undervalued. "We had to earn that with years of service!" they complain. "They can too."

With the way the economy is right now, it kinda feels greedy to ask for too much. Should we even ask for raises, increased bonuses, and more pension? I found myself thinking, though, that it's about fairness. We don't need to be afraid to ask for what is fair. We can't have everything, especially with how things are looking these days. And we need to realize that gaining one thing may cost us another. But the company is still growing. They're not afraid. We need not be either.

Cuba 8: For Next Time

- Don't only bring one style of sandals, because then when one pair gives you a blister, they are all going to rub and be uncomfortable.
- I'm not going to read as many books as I think I am.
- Don't even bother bringing the Spanish English dictionary. It's not going to get used. Same thing with the Spanish textbook.
- I packed long pants, a hoody, and a couple long sleeved t-shirts - and didn't wear any of them (except for on the plane). But I think I would bring them next time anyways, because you never know if it's going to get cool in the evenings. Plus, they're good for wrapping breakable souvenirs for the trip home.
- Although I mostly just wore tank tops, short sleeved shirts were handy to give my shoulders a break from the sun when they'd had a little too much.
- I brought a lot of dresses, and wore all of them. I'd do that again.
- I don't need as many bathing suits as I thought I would. I figured I'd want to wear a different one every day (because else it's a little bit like not changing your underwear), but some days I didn't put my bathing suit on at all (excursions, etc). When we were going to the beach I always wanted to wear the tops that were the best for tanning in, even if I had already worn them. Of the five tops and seven bottoms that I brought along, I wore three and five. Next time I don't need to bother bringing the old ones I don't like.
- I was glad that I brought chocolate along. Every day I wanted a mid-afternoon chocolate fix. And the granola bars I brought were handy for the days I missed breakfast.
- Think about tipping the waitresses with gifts, not just the maids.
- Two and a half excursion seemed like about the right amount for a week. It made a good balance between activity and rest - we didn't feel bored and we didn't feel too rushed.
- People keep asking me if I'd go back. Yes, I'd go back to Cuba. But I probably wouldn't go back to the resort we stayed at, though I'd probably return to Varadero. And I would probably go somewhere else (ie Mexico) next before going to Cuba again.