My Recommendation

This is the most amazing honey packaging I have ever seen. If you're going to buy honey, buy this kind. There are so many good features! First, it sits with the lid down, so the honey stays near the end that it squirts out of. That way you don't need to wait for the honey to creep down the bottle towards the opening. "But if it sits that way," you may ask, "doesn't it leak all over?" No, not at all! That's because it has an amazing non-leak valve spout like those Powerade bottles! And not only does it not leak in the cupboard, but it doesn't leak when you're using it either. It stops squirting as soon as you stop squeezing - no more waiting for the trail of honey to end, and no more sticky honey all over. Last year I took this on choir tour with me - two and a half weeks on a bus in my carry on bag, and it didn't disappoint me once. I've found it at Superstore, and then today I also found it at Safeway. There they have three flavors: regular honey, clover honey, and blueberry honey! They were on sale, so I went a little overboard and bought all three. Now my honey needs are satisfied.

FrankenQwerty

Long ago we used specialized keyboards for our computers at work. I’m not sure why, but many of the peripheral keys were in different places. Then when the keyboards needed to be replaced we decided to just get regular ones, but by then people were used to reaching for certain keys to perform certain functions, so we reprogrammed the keyboards to act like the old ones did. So enter means tab, the bottom right control functions as enter, and the bottom left control is reset. It’s confusing for people who are starting to learn our computer system. And when I start pushing control on my laptop and expecting it to mean enter, it’s an indication to me that I’ve been spending too much time at work.
Since I got supervisor powers, I’ve also had access to the other computer system at work – the brain of the store called EDP. For the most part the keyboard to that computer functions normally (when you push enter you get enter), but it has a few different quirks. Alt SysRq is a big thing there, and to scroll down you need to push shift 3. Today I found myself at home, trying to scroll down and looking for the shift key before I realized that this is the wrong computer for that!

This whole year is a gradual adjustment for me from a school world to the work world.

Scheduling Vacation

Migley, I went to talk to my manager today about getting time off for Explore!

Going to Quebec for five weeks. Being in a university program to learn more French and experience the culture. Having an excuse to get over my "I can't speak French" feelings. The government paying for my classes, accomodations and food. Hanging out with you, Migley. Eating poutine and going to a used bookstore? Going to my beloved Anglican bookstore! And a music store so I can finally buy Les Cowboys Fringants, etc? Seeing our friends. Going to church with them. Being in Quebec without my snowpants.

I needed to ask for the time off work now because all vacation requests submitted in January are weighed by seniority, and after that it's first come first serve. I need to pull a seniority trip for this one - including choir tour, I'm asking for eight weeks off in the two and a half months approaching the busy summer season!

I get three weeks paid vacation a year, and I'll need that for choir tour. The rules say I can only have two weeks in the summer. I knew this, but I thought I would ask anyway. (This is the only year I'll be able to do this because it's a program for students, and after this I won't be a student anymore.) At first my manager flat out said no, but then I explained and now he is going to take it up with the top manager and see what he can do! This is not a promise, but neither is it a "no", and I think the chances are pretty good. He suggested that maybe to avoid the vacation restrictions what they'll do is something like our student retention program - they'll essentially lay me off, and then rehire me with the same seniority when I get back.

Before I asked I felt confident but understanding that the answer might be no. After I asked and he said "possibly" I felt nervous and excited. I asked God for a yes, and now it feels weird to have not gotten a no. I have a hint of fear that this will jeopardize my job, but I don't think that's realistic. For the past several summers I have had travel-somewhere-to-take-some-kind-of-class plans, and they've never materialized (they haven't been as big of a deal as this one, though, and I haven't needed to plan ahead for them as much so procrastination has been my downfall). I value stability and I don't do many exciting things like this. It feels like stepping out into the big world. And I think this will be so good for me. I really like languages, and I'd love a chance to pursue that. And I won't feel so guilty about not going to Quebec this Feb if I am coming in the summer.

I'm a little afraid of telling my Mom. I think she'll say, "What?! What do you mean you're going to take five weeks off work?! You need the money!" I have savings; I'll be fine. And maybe she'll respond differently than I expect.

Word of the Day: Ambivalent

Ambivalence: uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by an inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things; the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions. (www.dictionary.com)

If Only Everything Beautiful Was Christian

God saith: Whoso does one good act, for him are ten rewards, and I also give more to whomsoever I will; and whoso does ill, its retaliation is equal to it, or else I forgive him; and he who seeketh to approach me one cubit, I will seek to approach him two fathoms; and he who walketh toward me, I will run toward him, and he who cometh before me with the earth full of sins, but joins no partner to me, I will come before him with an equal front of forgiveness.

There is alms for a man's every joint, every day in which the sun riseth; doing justice between two people is alms; and assisting a man upon his beast, and with his baggage, is alms; and pure words, for which are rewards; and answering a questioner with mildness is alms, and every step which is made toward prayer is alms, and removing that which is an inconvenience to man, such as stones and thorns, is alms.

The people of the prophet's house killed a goat, and the prophet said, "What remaineth of it?" They said, "Nothing but the shoulder; for they have sent the whole to the poor and neighbours, except a shoulder which remaineth." The prophet said, "Nay, it is the whole goat that remaineth except its shoulder: that remaineth which they have given away, the rewards of which will be eternal, and what remaineth in the house is fleeting."

Keep fast and eat also, stay awake at night and sleep also, because verily there is a duty on you to your body, not to labor overmuch, so that ye may not get ill and destroy yourselves; and verily there is a duty on you to your eyes, ye must sometimes sleep and give them rest...

A bier was passing, and the prophet stood up for it; and we stood with him and said, "O Prophet! verily this bier is of [an enemy] woman; we must not respect it." Then the prophet said, "Verily death is dreadful: therefore when ye see a bier, stand up."

The hearts of men are at the disposal of God like unto one heart, and he turneth them about in any way that he pleases. O Director of hearts, turn our hearts to obey thee.

The truest words spoken by any poet are those of Lebid, who said, "Know that everything is vanity except God."

--- The Muslim Sunnah ---

teeheehee

Although I'm a PC girl (just because I'm unfamiliar with Macs),
I love the ads.

I want to be a confident, easy going, complimentary kind of person, like Mac.

Updates

The best thing ever happened today! I found a convenience store in the neighbourhood adjacent to mine that sells cream slush! Woo hoo! Now I don't have to go to small towns several hours away to get cream slush - I can walk for one! And cream slushes are amazing - they're slush and ice cream mixed together, and the creaminess takes the sugar edge out of the slush. Mmmmm!

I'm finally almost over that cold that I caught. I got my voice back after two days, but for another week and a half it made me miserable. I cancelled my brunch plans, but made it to my coffee date. That was my first time talking in two days and I croaked through our conversation, and I was glad to be in the presence of a friend with whom I didn't have to be polished. I felt totally unsocial when I went back to school so there wasn't a lot of chitchat. I made it through choir to with varying levels of participation. My diaphragm hurt from coughing. I bought some cough medicine, but I credit it with making me feel really depressed. The bottle cautions, "Not for use by persons... under treatment for depression or using antidepressant medications," which I am not, but maybe I should have heeded the warning anyway. I felt awful, emotionally and physically, all week. (Granted, being sick could affect my mood on its own and I didn't feel stable even the day before I started taking the cough syrup... But I think the cough syrup played a part too.) But on the positive side, being sick got me in the habit of drinking bazoodles of water and enough tea to float a boat, and I hope to try to keep that up to some degree and perhaps kick my water "allergy."

So I'm back in school now. I really like my classes. Here's what I'm taking/doing:
- World Civ - Currently we're learning about Islam, and then we'll go on to Judaism over the last two thousand years, and then China. The prof for this class is so amusing, and I really like history. But it's early in the morning, and so far I've been late for every class...
- New Testament Backgrounds - This class looks mostly at intertestamental Judaism, and I didn't realize how interesting that would be. We're reading parts of the Apocrypha and the Dead Sea Scrolls. And my two good friends are in this class with me, which is wonderful. It's a lot of reading and big assignments, though. And I'm currently kind of nervous about my ability to do homework - my last two semesters have been pretty slack, so I haven't really written a paper in a year!
- Greek Exegesis - We're down to only two students in Greek now. I miss the guy who dropped it, but I'm so glad that it's required for the other guy who's still there so that they can't cancel it on us. Every second class we just meet in the prof's office. This class deals with matters of translation other than just the Greek, and so far we've learned about textual criticism. It's been interesting, but I miss straight translation.
- Trinitarian Theology - I'm just auditing this one, and that's such a relief since the prof told us in the first class that this will be the hardest version yet. The friend with whom I took my other theology classes is auditing it too, and the experience is so pleasantly nostalgic. After class the prof came up to us and told us that it's a pleasure to see us in his class together again. That meant so much to me - that he respects us and he's glad we're there.
- Choir - I got a B+ in choir last semester. That's disappointing for me - it actually brings down my GPA. It may be because I was slightly late for many rehearsals, but I can't help but take it more personally and wonder if it's because they don't like me or I'm not valued there. Plus, my two closest friends in choir decided it was too much for them, and I respect their decisions but now I feel alone.
- Thesis - It's hard to be really motivated to work on it... But I've got a bit to show for myself. I'm not proud of my progress, but neither am I worried. Yet.
- Practicum - Leading a small group will count, and I also need to do some research for my prof. I could have picked the topic (within pre-Reformation mystics), but I don't really care enough to choose so today she suggested Madame Guyon. Sounds good.

It was hard getting back into school mode. I think that's mostly because I was sick - my head was in a fog and I felt incredibly socially inept. I was so uncomfortable in my surroundings. I feel like I've grown out of the social realm of my school. Today that didn't feel so acute, and I'm glad.

Farewell Barry

Hi Michelle, Barry calling. Hope you’re doing well today.
I felt badly today when I saw you that I hadn’t communicated with you prior to the announcement today of our plans. I really tried to think of people in the circle of my life that I wanted to tell personally or ahead of time, and I realized I didn’t have your name in my email list and I didn’t communicate with you… So I’d love to talk with you more, and again I apologize for not communicating with you sooner and I hope we can talk sometime, that’d be great.
Thanks a lot and talk to you soon. Bye.

I got this message on my phone, and I was so touched that I am someone who he wanted to tell personally. It was not just nice to not have to find out through the grapevine - it was an honor to be acknowledged as someone who deserves more than the general announcement.

By the time I got this I hadn't actually heard yet that there was any news. This message made me assume that Barry is leaving - and I was right. He's going to pursue Globalization and International Development, although he's not sure what will come after the initial step. His heart takes him to the French world, and to the developing world.

Barry, I value who you have been in my life. ~ three times you led us to Montreal ~ you've seen me cry so often ~ you gave me grace when I couldn't hand projects in on time for your class ~ you prayed for me in chapel ~ you came when I spoke in chapel ~ you edited my testimony when I shared it in French ~ you made time to have a French club with us ~ you gave me the chance to share about my family's crisis and my moral downswing ~ you cared ~ Above everything else, thank you for hoping for me for so long, Barry, for your confidence that I will have a "matin de jubilation." You will be missed.

I "trust God with you for his good purposes to be fulfilled in and through your lives."

Voiceless, Literally

So I caught a cold. I noticed as the sore throat crept up on me the day before yesterday - an experience that felt odd in the middle of the afternoon; I think these things usually catch me at night. And it kinda felt like more than a cold - I felt utterly exhausted, I had chills, I didn't feel steady on my feet, and I was uninterested in food. (Yesterday I got home from work, struggled to eat a muffin, and went to bed - at 7:00.) Today I felt somewhat better in most of those areas, but it was a tradeoff - instead I had laryngitis.

I stopped at the post office on my way to work today. (I got books in the mail!) This was my first social encounter of the day, so I didn't realize yet that I had a problem. The guy greeted me with "Hi! How are you today?" and I answered "keugh aahaahahh kegreacht" (sp?). Then I coughed and cleared my throat and tried everything I could but to no avail - I had no voice. When I tried to talk, nothing came. I couldn't even hum. Voice, gone.

I whispered my way through my day at work. There were some aspects of my job that I just let slide because I felt like it was too much. When I was cashing, I couldn't ask the members how they were doing or if I'd missed their coupons, or tell them their totals (they could see it!). As a packer I couldn't ask them members for their cards (that's more the cashier's responsibility, but it's something a good packer does) or ask them if they wanted boxes. And as a supervisor, I couldn't explain thet new Concierge program for electronics. It just took too much voice, and I already had too little. By the end of the day, even my whisper had no volume.

People who didn't know wondered why I was whispering - what's the secret? And I think they thought I was being mean or snobbish when I wasn't saying "hi" or answering their passing "how are you"s. I found my physical boundaries shrinking as I would have to touch people to get their attention, and it wasn't even worth saying anything unless we were standing really close.

Still, it was kinda nice to lean more towards silence than usual. My words mattered more when they were fewer, and I felt like I was giving people something when I spoke (whispered) to them. I had a chance to feel really thankful for little things when I couldn't just call out a shallow "thanks!" And I got to be the recipient of kindnesses. Xamara and Nancy gave me cough drops, Bob told me that of all the people he'd want to lose their voices I'm not one of them, and on my way out Mike pointed at me and said "get better!" And it gave people something to bug me about, which gave me little bits of attention. That's kinda nice when it's good natured.

But... I have plans that require talking! Tomorrow I'm going out for coffee! In two days I have brunch plans! Both those things won't go so well if I can't carry on a conversation. In three days I'm back to school where everyone will ask "How was your Christmas?!" In three days I'm also hosting Blitz Night, and it's nice if I can talk when I have eight other people in my house! And in four days I have choir practice! I wonder how long this will last!

In my online inquiries into laryngitis, I found a cute website:
http://www.kidshealth.org/kid/ill_injure/sick/laryngitis.html
There's all sorts of cool stuff on there!

Devotions, Or Lack Thereof

I don't bring my Bible everywhere I go anymore. That's not a recent change, but it's vastly different than the way I used to be. In late high school I brought my Bible to school every day, and I remember getting it out to prepare for BDT (Bible Discussion Time - we couldn't think of a less-lame name) when we had free time in class. A few years later I carried my Bible in my purse almost everywhere I went, including work every day, and sometimes I'd pull it out on break. I even brought it hiking one time. That wasn't a good decision because it was heavy and I have no stamina to begin with, but at the time I articulated that I didn't want to ever say that the Word of God is a burden to me. I think that is when things began to change, though. The change was gradual - when I came back to school I brought my Bible to school each day and I wondered about the people who wouldn't bother to bring their Bibles to Bible College. But now here I am, visiting Oma, and I didn't even think to bring my Bible along. I didn't even bring it when I went home for Christmas. And I no longer bring it to work or even to school.

My introduction to the spiritual life came as I read through the Bible as a teenager. Two chapters every night. At first it was something that I forced myself to do, but reading the Bible before bed became a pattern that I continued for years. It would seem very strange to me to go to bed without seeking God in His Word. I would do this even in the out-of-the-ordinary situation - late late nights, visiting, and even youth retreats. I would be the one to say to my companions, "Do you want to do devotions and pray together before we go to sleep?"

I don't remember when it was that I stopped reading the Bible. It hasn't been a super recent thing either. Over the past few years, I just haven't been drawn into God's Word. It doesn't seem relevant to me - it doesn't seem to address where I am at and what I am struggling through, all the promises make me feel disappointed and forlorn, I hear a lot of condemnation in there, and sometimes I just can't care enough to enter into the stories of the Biblical characters. Are there times in the spiritual journey when it's okay to be out of the Word? Should I have forced myself to continue reading it, or would that have just been embittering? Did I make the better or worse choice by allowing myself to become distant from the Bible, as I feel God is distant from me?

I'm not proud of this.

A few months ago around a table of cards a friend brought out a book of Bible trivia. I was amazed and encouraged about how many of the answers I knew, how much I still remembered. Although knowing details may not mean much if your heart's not in it, that still made me happy.

Recently

So recently... Work has been getting to me. I have been so tired. I haven't been feeling so stable.

Last week I was assigned to be the supervisor who did the "Audit," double checking all the returns that we did. In general I love doing this job, but a week after Christmas it was just too much. I couldn't keep up. I'd end up losing things, and then I'd get even more behind as I tried to fix the problems I'd introduced. It was really stressful.

Friday was the worst day. I had a meeting mid-day, so I had to race to try to get caught up so I could have enough time for my lunch break before this meeting (and I almost made it, but not quite, so my lunch was short). The meeting wasn't very long, but by the time it was over I'd been gone from my audit for almost an hour. That's an hour of people returning things for me to catch up on. I couldn't get on top of it again. I didn't get a last break, and I even needed a bit of overtime (not okay these days). I left a huge mess and all sorts of problems for the next person to sort through, and when I was off I went to the bathroom and cried. And that was weird - over the years I've spend a considerable amount of time crying in bathroom stalls at work, and this one was just way too wide and way too bright. Weird.

I had plans for Friday night after work. First I went to Ikea with two of the girls from work. I had been there just two days before, but I wanted to spend the time with them. It was fun, but... I didn't feel okay. Then afterwards another friend and I had plans to see a late movie. I complained to him all about my day, and we saw National Treasure and I thought it was pretty good. I'm not sure if it was because the movie got my mind off things or because of the presence of this friend, but at the end of it I felt much better.

When I got to work on Saturday, I heard a manager comment on how he was just picking up where he left off the day before, and I felt like that was very true about me too - I was headed into the same situation I'd left the day before. Shortly thereafter another manager pulled me aside and told me that when I'm doing the audit I'm responsible for making sure all the refunds girls get their breaks on time. Having this responsibility piled on top of my already-too-heavy workload overwhelmed me, and the tears rose up in my eyes. The manager noticed this, and she responded with sympathy. She told me to ask for help when I need it. But... when I get to the point where I really need help, I can't take the time to go and ask for it because then I'm just getting farther behind, and by then I'm already stressed enough that if I try to talk about it I will just cry and then I'll be useless. Plus, the times when I need extra help are times when everyone needs help, so there wouldn't be anyone for me. So the best solution to me seems to be to do the best I can on my own. But this day that manager must have talked to someone, because they sent me help without me even asking for it!! I got an audit assistant for the rest of the day, and that was so wonderful. They gave me a guy who I have fun with and who I trust to do a good job, someone who's been learning aspects of the supervisor role and who asked me to teach him how to do the audit. He helped me out with all the aspects of the job, not just the peon duties, and we got through everything twice as fast and I got a last break! He made my day, and I left work feeling thrilled.

I had dinner plans with a friend on Saturday night, and it was a wonderful evening. I've missed my friend, and it felt so good to really talk, to really connect, to feel assured that we have not grown apart. It's been a while, and not every conversation has been so fulfilling. I wonder if it helped that I was in a good mood for this. Friend, I cherish this evening we had. Thanks. I love you.

Sunday wasn't great. Actually, I was really glad that I wasn't going to church (because I had to work) - I've felt that way every Sunday since the last time I did go three weeks ago when it made me feel awful. That's probably not okay... Work wasn't as bad as Friday, but it wasn't as good as Saturday. It was still busy, and it was hard to keep up, but I got some mediocre help for part of the day, and I only had one mistake I couldn't fix. I bought a soft blanket and a new mattress pad that I'm really excited about (I think I've had my current mattress pad for 20 years). But I didn't feel like I was okay. I felt emotionally shaky. It was the last day for our seasonals, and I didn't say goodbye to any of them.

After work on Sunday I went home, checked my email, and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later when the phone rang, and I felt exhausted and discouraged. I watched a movie, About Schmidt, and I related to it. I see little pieces of my Dad, and perhaps myself, in him. The movie reinforced my ugh mood.

I had the day off work today. That was nice. I slept in (but woke up still feeling tired). I shaved my legs. I got textbooks in the mail. I still felt a measure of emotional shakiness. I didn't do laundry and I didn't bake cookies like I hoped I would. I invited a couple friends over for a Thesis Party, and that was good but sad. It was good because one friend came, we enjoyed drinking tea and being together, and we actually did work on our thesises! And I felt good at the end of it. But it was sad because the friend I first started planning to have Thesis Parties with couldn't make it, and the only time that works for her to regularly get together this semester is a time that doesn't work for me. I was looking forward to having a Thesis Club with her, and it may not happen. Sad. We had Blitz Night at a new location tonight, and that was really good. Thanks, Friend, for hosting it. It was good to be together with some friends I'm not close to. But I didn't do well at Blitz at all, and I wonder if that's because I haven't been doing well myself. They say depression makes your brain slow down. I'm also concerned that I wasn't a kind person tonight, and it worries me that that didn't especially bother me.

I think I'm more likely to find myself under the weather emotionally, like I currently feel, when I've had too much unstructured time alone. But I've spent quite a bit of time with people lately. I find myself forgetting. And although I haven't given myself tons of sleep, I wouldn't expect myself to be as chronically tired as I am. Sigh.

I feel like there's continuity in how I've felt ever since my work Christmas party, ever since the miserable day I had the next day. (Is that true?) Crying while doing the audit reminds me of the day after. Once a few years ago I noticed that I paid for a fun night of dancing with two weeks of depression. And when I think back to the party or see some of my coworkers around, I remember my neediness that night and I'm not proud of that (although I'm not ashamed of my actions). I wonder if dances are really healthy for me...

Tomorrow I'm going to visit Oma. I skipped out on seeing her at Christmas, and I know I won't have any time to go visit once school starts again. I hope we enjoy each other and our time together.

Self Awareness

It's a struggle to put this into words...

I've been wonder lately how well I know myself. But my wondering is more than just that - it has to do with what "myself" is. Am I conscious of who I am? Is "who I am" the self that I am conscious of, or is there a "me" that is separated from what I know myself to be?

Some people define our souls as the essence of who we are. Eugene Peterson is an example: "We do not have souls, we are souls." Am I aware of my soul, or am I ignorant of it? Is my soul happy with God while my conscious mind is sad and lonely? Or does what I am aware of reflect the state of both my mind and soul? John of the Cross and many other spiritual writers would claim that what we are conscious of does not equate to the state of our souls, but I wonder how we can be so unconscious of our true selves. That seems to make consciousness so... peripheral. And it seems so central.

Rene Descartes so famously wrote, "I think, therefore I am." That is, I know I exist because someone is having these thoughts of mine. Is it a collorary therefore that I am what I think - my consciousness is the essence of my being?

Do I really know how I feel about things that happen? How could I possibly have a feeling, an opinion, an experience, and not know about it - don't these words themselves describe a conscious involvement? "I felt sad," means, "I knew myself to be sad." Although since I wouldn't argue with the statement "I didn't realize I was angry with him," I guess I have to admit that we can be unaware...

A few weeks ago when I thought about a friendship and how it would perhaps be smart to step away, I thought I was okay with that. But then I cried for the rest of the day. Turns out I probably wasn't as okay with it as I thought. My feelings snuck up on me without me realizing what they were. I was unaware of myself.

My will lies in the realm of the conscious. If my essence, my true feelings and my experience of the world, lie elsewhere, apart from what I know (from what I can know?) and what I can affect, I feel so dispirited. Why bother, if my awareness and action do not coincide with my self?

What am I?

Lack of Resolutions

It's New Years Resolution season. And I'm not really participating.

I used to rewrite my Rule of Life in January, as a variation on Resolutions. Then when I came back to school, updating it in the summertime worked better for me, until I started to realize that the Rule of Life thing wasn't working so well for me at all. I seemed to fail at everything goal I articulated, and my capacity for disicpline slowly eroded. Now I have no Rule of Life. I feel like I need it that way.

I have a problem with obligation: I don't respond well to it. I want to do things because I want to, not because I have to. When I set goals, it moves those matters from things I want to do to things I have to do, thereby making me rebel against the whole idea.

I also don't like making goals that I can't easily achieve. I want to set myself up for success, not for failure, and if something is too hard I will simply refuse to do it.

There aren't any goals right now that I want to make. So I am not making any Resolutions for 2008. Ha!

Spinach Artichoke Dip

This was my contribution to our New Years gathering. Everyone seemed to like it, so I thought I'd share the recipe.

1/8 cup butter
5 oz frozen chopped spinach, partially thawed
7oz artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened
2 cups sour cream
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (thanks Mara!)
garlic salt to taste

Melt butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Sir in the spinach and artichoke hearts. Cook until tender, about 5 minutes.
Mix cream cheese and sour cream into the spinach mixture. Stir in parmesan cheese and garlic salt. Cook, stirring occationally, until thickened - 10 to 15 minutes. Serve warm.