Double Feature

I had two big events tonight. It was my big spring choir concert, and it was also my store's two year anniversary party.

The choir concert was okay. Everyone said we sounded great, and everything went well. And my Mom came, so that was really nice. But the theme of the whole concert was love, and to me love feels like nothing. And during the practice I had a really hard time being assertive when our monitor was turned up too high, which made me feel awful and brought back the discouragement of this past week. So I had a hard time enjoying this concert, and I even cried.

My store was having a party to celebrate our two year anniversary at a super pub, and I stopped by after my choir concert was done. I didn't get there until after 10:30 and most people had left by then, but I thought it was worth making an appearance anyway. And I ended up staying for two and a half hours - I closed the place down! (I don't think I've ever done that before. Actually, I'm pretty sure I haven't.) First I saw Steve there, and we started bowling. (I am awful at bowling. hahaha) Then Bryan came along and joined us and Steve left. Then Jared and Aaron came along and we bowled some more. Then the night ended with just Aaron and I left, talking. He was really drunk, and he told me about his dead dog and then he invited me to his cabin in BC, like, a hundred times (and he insisted I could have my own trailer, which helped clarify what he wasn't saying). He told me that I am awesome and I am the coolest girl he's ever met - in fact, I'm cool as sh*t. I think it was the alcohol talking, but I trust that he meant a little bit of what he said. It's nice to know that I'm liked.

I enjoyed the time with my coworkers more than I enjoyed the time with my choir. I felt much more stable, and more likeable too. It feels strange, though, that my preferred community isn't Christian.

Aujourd'hui

Today was no good. Nothing in particular was wrong; I just wasn't well. It was like a cloud of gloom hung over my heart, and I couldn't push the depression below the surface. I laughed too hard over things that weren't that funny ("I love crisp"), and I complained too much about trivialities (the fat paper cut on my thumb).

I had a cash shift today, and that was fine. I really enjoyed my packer. He's someone who does the job well, and someone who I really like having around, so it was just good overall. But... my general appreciation for this guy formed part of the problem. I articulated last night before falling asleep that one of the things that makes me feel the worst is wondering if my relationships with guys are appropriate or if I am forming unhealthy attachments, and what it looks like to be friends with people. So today I wondered if my high regard for my packer is reasonable. Plus, he's leaving in a few weeks, and that reminds me of loss.

Katie was in town tonight. I didn't discover that until today. Katie came in looking for Nadia, but she had gone home already. (And I saw that Nadia means more to Katie than I do. But, it's okay that not everyone chooses me first.) So I became Katie's consolation plan and we went out for dinner. And it was so good to be together, to talk, to order chocolate. I told her about most of my bad day, and just being with her improved it, and it wasn't just distraction. Not that everything is fine now, but it was just good to have a friend.

I'm good at saying no to making plans for this next thesis-crunchy week, but when something comes up last minute, I have a hard time going home to work on homework. I don't regret that tonight, but I hope I don't regret that later this week.

Suggestion

The last thesis update meeting I had, a few weeks ago, was kinda rough. I discovered the final due date is earlier than I expected, and I was facing weeks of midterms and presentations that I knew would consume all my time. And I often have a hard time with the way my thesis advisor comes across and some of the things she says.

As we ended this meeting after talking about all the work I had ahead of me, she asked, "Are you going to be alright? I don't want this to push you into deee-pression." (and that's how she said it - deee-pression) What do you even say to that?

Although I know this wasn't her intention, it's basically like she suggested that to my subconscious. Thanks a lot.

I managed to largely forget about that over the following weekend. But then I saw her on Mon morning and she brought it all back up again with the concerned look on her face. "Are you alright? You seemed so discouraged when you left my office last week. I just want to make sure you're okay." Well I was. Past tense.

Now whenever I see her she has that pity look and she gushes about whether I am okay. And I can't be okay in the face of that. It utterly deflates me.

She told me not to avoid her and the informal questions she will ask about my thesis' progress. But that's not what I avoid - I need to avoid her because of her pity concern that cripples me. And I don't know if it's fair to tell her that...

The truth is, I'm not okay. And her suggestion of depression seems to be beginning of this current season of depression. Maybe that's not true; maybe it's just a convenient scapegoat. But she is definitely not helping. My way of coping it to acknowledge what is going on and then facing it with strength, and other people's expressed heightened concern for me completely undermines that.

The symptoms: I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to face the day. My apartment is messy. It takes too much energy to eat what I should. I'm withdrawing from people. Being at work doesn't distract me from it like usual. My self-esteem has taken a dip: I find I'm referring to myself as a loser more often and I don't think anyone likes me (although I know those aren't true). I think I often look sad. And every time I think of having to write this thesis, a strong reaction rises up in me that says "I don't want to do it.

The thesis is due in a week and two days. That'll probably be a crappy week, but then it will be over. Then maybe stability will return to me.

Don't give up Michelle. It is a hard race to run, but I know that you can do it, and wow - is it worth it! I'll be praying for you.
~ Lucas

Thanks, Lucas.
Help, Lord.

Typos

I've been seeing lots of typos lately.

It started when I noticed many that I'd overlooked on this blog.

Then I had a conversation with a prof about Christian history book that I had started to read but had given up on because I felt like I couldn't trust it due to the typos. I think it spelled Eusebius wrong, and it talked about Benedict of Norsia (instead of Nursia). The prof said that maybe these were due to legitimate variant spellings, but I don't know...

Then I found a typo in my beloved trusted Christian history textbook. Olson reports, "if modalism is true... not only was the Son of God crucified but soo too was the Father." Aah!

Even the Old Testament Pseudepigrapha, a large and scholarly book, has mistakes in it. They say a particular part of the Testament of Job is quoted in Tertullian's De anima when really it's in De patientia. They send me to Genesis 20:31 instead of 30:21. And now I found an actual typo, not just an improper reference, in the text: "the poor and alien used too eat."

And my knitting pattern has errors in it too. It says I need to end a particular section with row 4, but really I need to stop after row 3.

I typo too. But the difference is that I don't have editors. I guess it's hard to catch everything in a long book, but really, isn't that what they're paid for?

Snow: A Poem

Il fait du neige ici maintenant.
Neige, en mars.
Neige, en les printemps.
Je voudrais la fin du neige.
Je n'aime pas le froid.

Miscellany

So I got my hours back at work after only missing one weekend. I went in on Mon to buy milk and they said "Hey, has anyone called you yet?! I think I can get you some hours!" and then a few minutes later they came back with the schedules binder and penciled me back in for this weekend. And then on my way out they said, "Hey, can you work tomorrow?" and I pretty much always say yes, and unfortunately I answered before I remembered all the homework I needed to do. So I was back yesterday already. And you know, that was weird. It was nice to have everyone say they were glad I was back. But I expected it to last much longer than a week, and the emotional preparation I'd done for the long haul doesn't just evaporate. I still feel the compulsive need to try to be frugal, and I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to get my copious amounts of homework done now and what to do with the weekend plans I've made.

I had a presentation in class today (the last one). It was on the Testament of Job, Part 2. I think I bored half the class, but other than that I think it went alright. The guy beside me said I set the bar high for everyone else, and I didn't feel like I did because I didn't do anything especially creative, but I guess I did have a lot to talk about (blah blah blah blah). This was the one that I wanted to get the paper finished for as well, and although it's not finished I have a lot done on it. It's getting longer than it needs to be, but there's so much good stuff to say! I feel good about it's progress, but I'm not sure whether I should put the time into finishing it now while it's still fresh, or if I should go on to the more pressing assignments (like my thesis).

To get enough work done on this paper and presentation I pulled an all-nighter last night. And that actually felt really good. Time goes so fast in the middle of the night and it was nice to not have to worry about getting to bed. Plus, there's a feeling of control in self-denial/self-destruction. I knew I was staying up because I chose to, and that felt empowering. Today it was so nice to feel unstable because I hadn't slept instead of feeling unstable for no reason at all - way better. Plus I was actually on time for my 8:15 today, and that never happens! But it was hard to pay attention through my classes, and coincidentally today one of my profs gave us the 'catch up on your sleep! you'll be way more productive if you get enough rest!' advice. I got home from school and took a 4 1/2 hour nap, and that was also pretty nice.

My fashion style is strong enough to wear pants with a skirt! I feel really uncomfortable when I dress too far outside of my style, so I wasn't sure how this would go today. Because I was doing a presentation in class I wanted to dress up, but because I hadn't slept I wanted to be comfortable, and it was cold-ish out this morning so I didn't want bare legs. So I wore a skirt over top of jeans with heels. And it was great!

I got a call from Dad tonight. He said that Karen moved out yesterday. I don't have any new sadness left for the situation. He didn't sound upset. But I guess it's hard for her; she's staying with her daughter and she said something about not having a home. That would be rough. But nothing in this situation is easy, and I think it's better if they just stop dragging it out (althought that may just be me).

Contact

Hi Michelle,
I was curious if you had any free evenings in the next week or two, where you would be able to come over to my place for dinner and possibly a movie. I have this foreign film I’ve been meaning to watch for quite some time, but have never done so as that was always something we did together. That, and there’s a few things I’d like to tell you. So, let me know if/when you’re free, and if you’re up to hanging out.
Later, the Ex-Boyfriend

I'm curious. I wonder what he wants to tell me. The possibilities run through my mind...
- he wants to get back together
- he wants to yell at me for ruining his life
- he wants to tell me about some personal growth or revelations
- he wants to tell me he's getting married
- he wants to apologize for the way our relationship turned out

That must have been a hard email for him to write. I responded saying "Sure!" (haha, because that's what I seem to say to all guys.) I asked if we could wait until after my thesis is due, though, so it won't happen for a couple weeks. But I'm not exactly looking forward to this. I'll still go and try to be gracious as a kindness to him, but... It's been almost two years, and I haven't regreted breaking up for a day. The last time I really talked to him was five or six months ago, and that conversation was so draining that I realized it would be okay if I didn't talk to him much anymore. I don't like being reminded of what it used to be like. I wonder what it will be like this time.

If he wants to get back together, I need to graciously say no. If he wants to yell at me for ruining his life, I need to leave quickly. If he wants to share something about himself, I need to listen graciously. If he's getting married, I need to be happy for him (but I don't think he has any prospects). If he wants to apologize for the way our relationship turned out, I need to be prepared to honestly do the same, and I think that would be the hardest for me.

SandEaster

I have a hard time going to spending time with parts of my family. There are just too many things to mourn about.

To me, the hilight of Easter is having a great dinner with a big gathering of family. But my family cancelled Easter dinner this year because no one could host it. That was so strange. I didn't find out until a few days before, and by that time I had already made plans to go up. Since we wouldn't be going to our own dinner, Dave and I figured we would join Karen's family. Even though she is becoming our ex-stepmom, she's always told us that we will be more than welcome with her family and they would love to have us for holidays. But then Karen de-invited us today. She said it would make Dad too sad if we came, since he refused to come and we would be leaving him behind to go with her. We would seem disloyal to him. So we stayed behind and took a little road trip to find cream slush and I was just so, so sad all day. I wonder if they could see it on my face. Probably. I couldn't help it.

The whole chronicle of Dad and Karen's relationship makes me sad too. Last Christmas she told me it probably wouldn't work out. I sobbed all the way home. Last Feb he called me to tell me she had left. I was hysterical. But it wasn't really true. Back in Nov he emailed me to tell me that while he was on holidays she had packed up all her stuff and moved out. I was so depressed. But although it was true that she had taken her things (and the empty spaces in the house are saddening), she is still there. She met him with a kiss at the airport when he got home, she chats with him all the time, and she says she still wants to be married. But I heard they split up the money, and she is planning find somewhere else to live. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, and I think she's being unrealistic and unfair to him. He has a picture of her in his truck, and it's a new truck so he's put it there recently. Even that makes me sad because I know he is deeply hurt, so I don't think things are going to be okay. It hurts me too much to hope. Eventually I'm going to get another phone call that says she really moved out this time. And I just can't care anymore.

At first the thought of losing her was so painful. But now I don't see any other way - and that almost seems easier. I'm obligated to be loyal to Dad. If we couldn't join Karen's family today for Easter, there will never be a time when it can happen. I used to be excited that they were a family I could be a part of and she was someone who expressed so much love to me. It all seems tarnished now. So I mourn.

I celebrated on Good Friday and mourned on Easter Sunday. The backwardness of that seems somehow telling of my life.

Christ is Risen.... Does that have any meaning here?

Pretense

I try to avoid pretense, pretending, trying to make myself seem better than I am or things seem better than they are.

Once long ago I had to write a paper on a topic within the Book of Acts, and I chose Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5). They were the ones who sold some property and gave the money to the apostles - but they said they were donating the whole amount when they had actually kept some for themselves, and they were struck dead for their deceit. As I looked into what their sin actually was - what aspect of their conduct earned such a drastic punishment - I realized that the problem wasn't that they had withheld the money (since it was an offering, they weren't obligated to give the entire amount), but that they tried to make everyone think they were giving it all. They tried to make everyone think they were more generous, righteous and holy than they really were. Pretense.

The impressions we give off really matter. I have tried to take this to heart. Sometimes I fail quite dismally, like when I lied to a girl I worked with about going to church. (When she asked "do you go to church" I thought maybe she was saying "are you a Christian" so I said yes. That led to more questions and more lies...) I think of pretense in times of communal worship, and I feel restricted not because I fear people will think I'm strange if I'm expressive, but because I fear they will attribute to me more holiness than I deserve.

This is a dilemma for me this weekend, and most times when I visit my family over a Sunday. They expect that I will go to church (by myself - they don't go), but I typically don't go, and I don't want to. I'm not comfortable being honest with them about this part of myself, so sometimes I go just because they expect me to. Usually I just hope they won't bring it up and then I can pretend they don't notice. This weekend is especially awkward, though, because Easter is a popular time to go to church even for people who never go, so it's extra telling if I don't go...

Celebration

Happy Birthday, Brother!

We all came home for a celebration - partially for Easter, and conveniently for his birthday. Mom cooked a special dinner, and we had angel food cake and creme brulee for dessert! (I guess one only uses egg whites and the other only uses yolks, so if she makes one she makes the other.)

It was nice to be together. It was nice that he spent his birthday with us.

The presents are always a significant part of birthday celebrations, and my brother wants the weirdest things. Here were some of the hilights:

The Titanium Folding Spork
The Silk Negligee for Puritans/Ghosts
(actually, it's a silk sleeping bag liner)


And The Origami Dishes
(sorry, no picture)

New Season, New Mascara

Happy Spring!

They say you should change your mascara every 3 months so you're not using dried out bacteria-y mascara that will give you an eye infection. I'm generally a fan of stretching expiry dates, but maybe that's not good for me. Plus, it's fun to start a new mascara! I have a hard time remembering when I last changed mascara, though. So I decided to switch it with every change of season, since seasons are 3 months long.

The Mascara for Spring: Maybelline Unstoppable
It promises to be: smudgeproof, lengthening, 12 hour wear, easy to wash off
Initial impressions: It's okay. I think I just had a really good one before, so in comparison it seems harder to make my lashes look thick with this one. But, it's hard to tell at first. I'll try to update my impressions in a few days.
Later impressions: Yeah, it's alright. It's not outstanding, but it's not bad. Like it promises, it doesn't smudge all that much, but it comes off pretty easily when I wash my face at night.

Oh so busy

I have so so much schoolwork to do. Wanna hear about it?
~~This is midterm week. I've got my last one tomorrow. There was so much to study for this one it's crazy. So I don't feel like I've studied well, but I've done all I've had time for.
~~Next week is presentation week. I have a Greek presentation on Mon. I haven't actually done any work for that yet, and I'm planning on going away this weekend ('cause it's Easter) and so I don't think my plans to get schoolwork done are very realistic. On Wed I have a presentation in NT Backgrounds, and I had actually hoped to get the term paper done at that time too - after all, that's what the presentation is on. But I'm not really sure when that will happen...
~~Once these presentations are over, I have my choir Spring Concert, and that's a huge deal.
~~And then I have a week to write my 40 page thesis. I'm getting a little bitter about that.
I'm not sure how this will all get done, and I'm getting discouraged. Help, Lord?
I guess it's good I'm not working!

Grown Up & Embodied

Seven years ago, a stranger told me I had nice legs, and I pretty much freaked out. It was a crisis for me for quite a long time. I couldn't handle the attention.

Tonight I found out that someone I guess I used to work with remembers me as the one who was nice and who had big boobs, and I laughed.

I guess I've grown up. I've grown more comfortable with my body and with attention. I've grown more aware of the sexual undertones of our culture, and I've realized that it's not always a big deal - I've become a bit desensitised. I think part of this is just because I've spent more time in the world, and part of it is the result of times when boundaries have been pushed. (When you've been the inspiration for someone's porn, it's not such a big deal when someone else just notices you are well endowed.) Plus, my body kinda grew along with my confidence - I didn't look then like I do now.

Since this is how he remembers me, I guess I wouldn't have been remembered if I was flat. I wonder if we are actually treated differently because of our cup size.

I have a body, but I am more than a body. I want to be respected, for all of me. I don't want to be uncomfortable with my body, but neither to I want to be reduced to that.

Guy Friends

The other day I was thinking about my close friends and the particular role they each play in my life. Then I thought about the role of "Best Guy Friend" and who might fill that - and I couldn't think of anyone. And that was really unsettling. It's kind of unsettled me ever since.

Before that I thought I had plenty of guy friends and I was quite satisfied with those friendships. As I've evaluated these friendships, however, they've started to seem really cheap. Like, this one guy: I see him around every so often, enjoy talking with him when I get the chance, and then he cancelled on me for lunch and utterly disqualified himself even if he was in the running. This guy: I almost never see him, but he's great when he is around. And another one: I really enjoy having him around and talking to him at work, but he's seventeen. This one: we used to be really close, but now we never talk or get together, and he's broken so many plans to hang out that I just can't care anymore. One more: I really care about him, but I've leaned too hard on him a couple times and now I feel embarrassed, plus I don't regularly see or talk to him anymore. And the one who's probably the best candidate for the title: I see him around every so often, we rarely get a chance to really talk, and we have almost nothing in common, but he's done some amazing things for me and every so often we go out for a movie or for dinner. It seems so strange to me to think that he might be my best guy friend.

I talked to some girl friends about this, and they tried to tell me that it's okay if I don't really have guy friends. And it is. Except that I think I do, and I think I value that. The reason why this really matters is because I say that one of the reasons why I really enjoy being single is because then I can have guy friends and I can be as close as I want and I don't have to worry about being unfaithful to anyone. But... if I don't actually have guy friends, then that all kinda breaks down.

Maybe the reason it's hard to actually have close guy friends is because closeness leads to relationship, which is not what I'm going for. So when I see it going in that direction (even in the direction of closeness), I lay off. When I start to feel close, it starts to feel inappropriate. Plus, I feel like calling someone my "Best Guy Friend" means that there has to be something reciprocal about valuing this friendship or else I'm a loser, and although I enjoy my guy friends I don't really trust that they value me for some reason.

My friendships with guys seem to be small and occasional. And that was, and hopefully will be again, okay.

Time Off

I got a call from work today, and they left a message asking me to call them back. I did, wondering if they might be asking me if I wanted to work tonight. No, actually instead they asked me if I wanted to not work for the next few weeks. And by "asked me," I mean "told me," and by "wanted to" I mean "am going to."

My company both guarantees and requires a minimum 25 hours a week from part-timers , but they also make allowances for a certain number of Limited Part Time Employees ("such as college students who prefer to only work weekends," as the employee agreement used to say). That's what I am; in my case that bargain applies to neither one of us. I work less than the required 25 hours, and they guarantee me nothing. Thus, if they don't want to (or are unable to) give me any hours, they don't have to. And right now, and for who knows how long, they're cutting back so much that they have nothing for me.

My feelings towards this are mixed. Mostly I know it will be okay, but all sorts of considerations flutter through my mind. I need money to pay rent. But I do have savings, and that'll be alright as long as this doesn't go on too long. It will probably be really good for me to have more time to get my school projects done. But it will be so weird to not go to work. It's been seven years since I've been in school without a job, and it's also been that long since I've had weekends off. Plus, I'll miss my coworkers and that aspect of my life. This is a weird step in the gradual adjustment from school life to work life.

I've seen this happen once before, back before I was a student. I guess I'm lucky that it hasn't happened to me before. Sometimes layoffs happen instead. I don't know that they haven't laid anyone off this time, but I'll gladly have a few weekends off if it means that Scott and Trevor get to stay.

I find myself making all sorts of plans for my newly free weekends... Homework! Library time! Thesis party! Crafty party! Visiting Mom! Visiting Dad! Hanging out with Nadia (who's probably in the same boat as me)! Visiting Katie together! Sleeping! ...it looks like I could fill a lot of time off.

His Girlfriend

Tonight we all went for dinner. He got there first, and then she and I arrived at the same time. We sat down with him, and we noticed that he had a package of pictures. "Do you have pictures of your special someone in there?" I asked. "You have a special someone?" she asked. He did; he does. He started showing us a few pics and telling us how it happened, and then everyone else showed up and the conversation got postponed. Someone noticed the picture and said, "And this is his girlfriend!" and someone else misunderstood for a moment and thought they were pointing at me when they said that. "Michelle? His girlfriend? How'd that happen?" I smiled.

I found out about her a week or two ago: he was buying flowers and I asked who they were for and he told me about this new special someone. Tonight we found out a little more. He told us that from the first time he saw her he was instantly drawn to her, and he intangibly knew that she is a gem. Like a cheezy love-at-first-sight, like a soul connection.

This is really weird to me. I always thought that he'd say he wasn't dating because he personally wasn't really in the place to be in a relationship, but I guess I was wrong. Moreover, he's always been a very attractive person to me, ever since we first met, even when I was with someone else. I'm personally not really in the place to be in a relationship with anyone (and haven't been ever since I returned to singleness), and I've rarely let myself articulate it this way, but I wonder if I always thought that he might be an option for the future. It's weird now that that option is closed off, and it's weird to learn that he must not have felt the same way about me.

I really really do wish them the best. I'm not trying to conjure that up; I think I honestly mean it. I want their lives to be beautiful.

Am I a gem?

Minutiae

I wish that "Minutiae" was spelled without the second "i". I think "Minutae" is better. How do you even deal with the phonetics of "iae," and how does that become "shuh"? (I guess my way is no better for that question.) Poor people learning English as a second language...

My today was better than my yesterday, and for that reason it was great.

I was reading over a blog post from a few weeks ago today and I noticed several significant typos. I've never seen these before, even though I've read this post several times since putting it up! But I guess they must have always been there, because the only other alternative is that Blogger gradually is stealing my letters? Weird...

We're having staffing and payroll problems at work, and so as a result of all of this I am just a lowly cashier for about half my shifts these days. No super powers for me. I thought it would be hard to adjust (I've had lead shifts for the last nine months straight), but it's been okay. Sometimes I feel bothered that those with less supervisor experience than me aren't the ones on till - but the ones with more supervisor experience are in the same boat as me. Last week I felt kinda frustrated at the job and I realized that I like supervising much better, and it was nice to realize that. This week even cashing was fine.

I talked to Trevor about faith today at work. He's the one who wears the WWJD bracelet, and we've had some little talks about Christian things before, like Jesus fishes and whether they're copyrighted and whether that fish stick company knows that and who we would talk to to find out (the Pope?). Today we had a lunch break together and no one else was around. I don't really remember how it came up. I told him about the book I had with me (Josephus). And then maybe we talked about Easter? Yeah, that's it. I asked him a question about curling (there's a TV in our break room, and it's always on the sports channel, and lots of the sports that are on TV are dumb. My apologies if you like curling or TV poker), not realizing he was checking his cell phone messages, and then he told me about the message he had from a friend who wanted to hang out, but he's got something else planned for that time - he and his girlfriend are planning to watch the Passion of the Christ together this week, 'cause it's the only time they'll have to do it before Easter. He's going to be gone on holidays over Easter break, so it won't really be like Easter for him, especially since no one else in his family is Christian and he tends to spend the religious holidays with his girlfriend's family. I was surprised to hear that his family isn't Christian. At this point I only had two minutes left on my break, but I asked how he became a Christian if it wasn't through his family. Then he clarified, "You're Christian?" and I said yes quite unburdenedly and then I told him that my family is not Christian either and gave him my testimony-in-thirty-seconds (just the happy stuff), and then he told me his testimony-in-thirty-seconds. It was his girlfriend who brought him to church and to an interest in Jesus, and this was a recent thing - Sept 19. He told me about how he wants to get baptized and I told him to let me know when and I'll come. And then I had to go back to work. It was a really good talk, and afterwards when I was covering a break in the tobacco cage I wrote him an "I enjoyed that" note.

I want to pray, "May he never grow up. May he never grow out of his faith." But... I don't mean that. Growth is beautiful.
τελειoω: make perfect, complete
May he grow ever nearer to You.

Now it's really really really late at night. How did that even happen?
Aha! Daylight Savings Time! My computer automatically sets its time. No wonder I feel like I lost an hour!

Goodnight!

A Week of Ditches

All week long people cancelled plans on me. At the beginning of the week, my week was booked. By the end, it had pretty much emptied out completely. At first this was okay, because I kinda liked the time at home alone. (I've been so tired.) So I didn't mind (1) when those dinner plans got cancelled (her family thing was important), (2) when she had homework and couldn't hang out (the plan was more assumed than articulated anyways), (3) when he stood me up for coffee (I didn't call to ask him where he was, so I have a bit of responsibility), and (4) when she forgot I'd invited them over for dinner (it'll be better another time when they can both make it). (Some plans also got cancelled because of me: the time I couldn't hang out because I had homework and felt sick, the meeting I cancelled because I had nothing to present, and the meeting I skipped because it conflicted with something that got rescheduled.) I was feeling kinda sad by the time the fifth thing got cancelled on me, lunch after class on Fri (she had something else come up that could only be done at this time), but it was okay because there was still a plan #6 to fill that time slot. When I'd invited him to come for lunch with us a few days before he said yes and sounded excited. But after class he was standing with a group of guys, and it felt awkward to just say "okay, let's go" to him, so I invited them all to come for lunch. One said he had no money, and one said he had other lunch plans, and one said nothing, and the guy that I had plans with said he had no money, which was like a "no". So we didn't go, and I was so sad. It's kinda like everything that fell through all piled up and it was just too much. I cried on the way to work and then I cried when I realized I didn't need to bring my backpack into work, and then I cried when a customer was jokingly uncooperative. (And he felt bad, haha.) Just little crying, but still. It all made for an awful, awful day. I felt so depressed I was nauseous, and on my break I sat alone because I couldn't handle talking to anyone, and although I had a textbook with me I couldn't read it because holding it up would be too much effort. It doesn't really make sense... the effect doesn't really follow from the cause... but that's the way it was.

I wanted to say, "Your company is worth my ten bucks. Come on, I'll treat." I've treated him every other time we've gone out anyways, 'cause that's what I'd do for my little brother and I think I kinda look at him that way. But... I didn't want to say that in front of everyone, and I didn't want to make the same offer to the other guy who was also low on money. I felt like the way things turned out was partially due to my passiveness, but I don't know what else I could have done.
It would have been different if the other guys weren't there. Why?
I don't know if I should talk to him about this for closure, or just let it go.

I don't often let boys treat me to things, because I fear that that is leading them on. I'd rather pay for myself. I guess it should go both ways though, and I wonder if I need to reevaluate that if I have no problem treating boys and I don't feel like they're leading me on. But... it's different. There's a cultural expectation of chivalry that maybe guys should pay for girls, and I'm not comfortable with that. Also, I generally always have money, and often when I treat guys it's because they don't.

I'm kinda afraid to make plans with anyone now. A friend said to me, "Does it still work for you to go see a movie together on Wed?" and I said, "Um, yeah, sure!" and I thought, "You better not stand me up!"

Jewish Folk Tale

THE ETERNALLY DIRTY PASTRY

A rich miser once bought a piece of pastry, and as he was walking along, it fell and was covered with dirt. Just then a poor beggar came by and asked for charity, and the miser handed him the pastry.

That night the miser dreamed that he was sitting in a large, crowded cafe whose waiters were running back and forth, bringing all the customers the most delicious cakes and tortes. He alone was not being served. He waited until his patience ran out and finally complained. Along came a waiter and served him a piece of dirty pastry.

"How dare you bring me a piece of dirty pastry?" the rich miser furiously asked the waiter. "Did I ask you for charity? I'm a rich man and there's nothing the matter with my money!"

"I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir," said the waiter. "You can't buy anything with money here. You've just arrived in Eternity, and all you can order here is what you yourself have sent ahead from the World of Time. The one thing you sent was this piece of pastry, and that's all that you can be served with."