Fearing "Alone With"

I hate conflict. I would rather pretend everything is okay and avoid the issues.

In the final months of my relationship with my last boyfriend, I found myself afraid to spend one-on-one time with him. Not that I was afraid of him per se, but at that point there were so many problems in our relationship that I was afraid that if we spent time alone together, those issues would come up and we would have to acknowledge them. These hard conversations would leave me crying for hours, and us no closer to solutions. But if other people were always around we could put on a good face and pretend things were okay, and I prefered that.

Now I notice myself feeling this way about God. I'm afraid to spend time alone with Him because so much is wrong. I don't know how to fix it, and I don't see what He's doing about it. I am afraid that encountering Him will just cause me unbearable pain, on top of the already uncomfortable situation. I don't remember ever knowing these difficult conversations to bring more healing than pain. So I go for pretense and avoidance, which allow me to function.

Perhaps I value functioning too much? I guess God desires brokenness. But how much does He require? Fifteen minutes of brokenness causes me two days of un-well-ness, and if I cry too much I may just cry forever and ever and I can't do that.

Last time the healthy conclusion was breaking up...

undeserved, yet welcome at your table

in this house, yet all alone with you

i am free, yet held within your chamber

only in your presence...

That song makes me feel anxious and claustrophobic.

Random Thoughts

My vacuum cleaner is very sad. Like, pretty much dead. It still works well, it's just falling apart. The first problem I noticed was the plug - I'm not sure what happened but it got all pulled out of shape. One prong was twice as long as the other. I spent some time fiddling with it and got it to the point where I would dare to try plugging it in, but I think I was risking electrocution. It worked though, and I didn't get electrocuted! But then the place where the hose connects to the power nozzle pretty much fell apart, so I had to hold the vacuum cleaner together the whole time I was vacuuming today, just hoping enough suction power was getting through. It's an old vacuum, a hand-me-down, and I don't think it's even worth fixing. But I don't want to not own a vacuum in my new place, so I need to go vacuum shopping soon.

My car is also sad. Not as sad as my vacuum cleaner - it's not dead, but it's not healthy either. It keeps leaking coolant and overheating. Seriously, I refill it every second day. I need to find a time to take it in to the shop again. (Two weeks ago the shop told me they couldn't find any leaks though...) My shop used to be within walking distance from me, but now that I've moved it's not nearly as convenient. Darn.

I have been so tired lately. For the first few days I used the excuse of moving, but I don't know how long that can last. I have an impossibly hard time getting up in the mornings (although so far I've been able to do it on Greek days) even when I've gotten to bed at a reasonable time. And I've been grumpy. I'm starting to wonder if it's depression tiredness... I should be happy to be in a new place, and I am, but my emotions don't always match the circumstances.

I kinda feel like all I talk about is moving and living somewhere new. Sorry. But that's a central thing that's going on for me right now, especially since I'm not really settled yet and I'm still finishing up on the last place. In my thoughts, everything seems to relate back to moving. The past is a closed chapter because I've moved, the present is full of the chaos of moving, and the future will take place in the fresh start that moving provides me. Although the catalyst for me moving was a difficult one, it was for good and I am really glad to be in a new place.

Today a friend of mine taught one of the first-year classes at school. I made it to hear her, thanks to the wake-up/reminder phone call from another friend, and I was so grateful for that! She taught on the Sacred Pathways, and she did a great job. (Sacred Pathways are kind of a spiritual life personality test.) It was interesting to go through this again, to see how I've changed and how I've stayed the same since the last time I took it. I scored highest as a Contemplative - loving God through adoration. I think that was the same as last time, and it surprises me. I guess it tells you what you consider important more than what you are good at. Other pathways I scored highly on today: Ascetic (this probably often goes hand-in-hand with Contemplative because they both value solitude with God), Traditionalist (I love history and I think it can enrich today's worship), and Intellectual (this is the path that I currently pursue most).

Tomorrow I am going out for coffee with Lucas. Yay! We talked about doing this last spring when he was leaving. I'm glad it's happening. It's too easy to just lose people when your primary connection to them ends. It's funny though how life goes on as normal even after people are gone. As wonderful as he is, I'm not sure that I have really sensed his absence... Or maybe missing doesn't happen right away, but comes later. (Plus, my attention has been full of moving so far.)

Our first choir concert is on Sunday. We're supposed to have all the music for it memorized for our next rehearsal... and there's a lot I haven't looked at. A few weeks ago I felt so on top of my choir music, but I've let that slide. I guess I'll blame moving for this too. It will probably turn out fine anyways, but I feel like I can take a lot more pride in a performance when I have been prepared.

I guess I'll stop now, and go to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour. Goodnight!

Goals in my New Place

Having a new place to live kind of marks a new beginning. I don't have to be who I was or do what I have done previously. Here are some things I hope to see myself do in this new place:

a Have people over.
a Eat cereal.
a Eat supper.
a Drink milk.
- Do the dishes almost daily.
a Keep my bedroom tidy.
a Unpack all my books.
a Make the dining room walls look less bare.
- Go to bed early-ish, at least for the first while.
- Want to get up at a reasonable time in the morning.
a Take a bath.
a Enjoy my balcony.
a Do my homework.
a Watch only minimal television.
a Set up my Christmas tree (early December).
a Take down my Christmas tree and decorations by mid January.

Good luck, Michelle!

In

So I moved this week! I now live in my new place. It's great.

Some friends came over to help me move, and that was such a blessing. And my brother came to town to help too and he brought his truck, and I loved that. It took three trips over the span of several hours. I think that the presence of friends made me feel encouraged and made the whole experience much more positive. Thanks, Friends! I appreciated your help so much!

I ran out of time to repack my books so my boxes would be lighter. But I carried the 47-pounder myself, and it didn't kill me! Woo hoo! I was so tired the next day, though.

I like being here. What I notice most is that it is quiet - my television isn't on because there's no one else to turn it on, and there's no one upstairs "sharing" their television and conversation. (Actually I hardly hear my neighbours at all!) So I can read and do homework undistracted anywhere in my place, and I can just sit and enjoy the silence. How wonderful!

I still have a lot of unpacking and some rearranging to do. I need to go buy some more bookshelves. :0) And I still need to go back and clean my old place, and get the last few things out. It'll be nice when that is all finished.

At work I still find myself unconsciously scoping out moving boxes. Then I remember that the moving is done and it feels good.

Death by Moving

I packed a 47 pound box a few days ago. Not that it's a big box - it's medium sized, but it's full of textbooks and deceivingly heavy. But I figured it wasn't that bad. Then today I started taking some boxes over to my new place. I didn't get to that monster one, but the boxes I did move opened my eyes. These weren't heavy boxes, and I only had to climb 25 stairs with them, but it was really hard! I was sweating and out of breath and fearful about future moving efforts. What will I do with the heavy boxes of books? Moving will be the death of me. I'm going to have to try to repack some of those boxes to make them lighter. 'Cause I want to make it to the point where I enjoy living in my new place, not expire before that happens.

Downswing

Snapshots from my day:

Walking to pick my car up at the shop. Thinking about how enjoyable it is to wear boy pants, and how I would blog about that today. About how that's been the personal joke that's brought me much joy lately. :0) Boy pants are awesome!

Skipping chapel. Getting a late start on the day and then going to pick up more moving boxes at work instead.

Mediocre lunch time meeting. (Not as important to me as they used to be...)

Killing time and eating lunch (yay me!) at Wendy's with a good friend. Saving this in my memory bank of ordinary but important times from this, my final year at school.

So far so good.

Going to choir. Singing O Love That Will Not Let Me Go. Finding myself derailed, stability crashing down, issues arising. Not okay for the rest of the day.

Asked to pray at the end of sectional. Asking the section leader to choose someone else.

Standing in the hallway, crying with a friend, who was crying with/for me. Being honest.
"I fear that I will get lost."
"I fear that God's love will let me go."
"It's a beautiful song, but I hate it. And I hate it that I hate it."

Stopping another friend for a hug as we left school. Wishing I could stay there forever, in his safe arms, with his cheek on mine. Answering "I'm kinda grumpy" when he asked if I was alright. Not quite conveying the truth.

Crying on the drive home.

Considering the rest of the evening a write-off regarding anything productive. Popping in a movie that was guaranteed to make me cry more.

Crying at every email I received.
Crying at the movie.
Crying as I write this.

Going to bed with a touch of a headache from all the crying.

Thoughts:

So much for copacetic. So much for doing well.
It almost seems inevitable that I crash.
Bipolar? ...But the highs aren't high or often enough.

When I am not well and I solicit hugs from friends, it is not to give them something or simply to greet them but to try to draw strength and wholeness and wellbeing from them through the contact. I wonder if that's okay-ish...? It really doesn't work but I usually feel like it's worth a try. I wonder if other people do this too, and if some hugs I obliviously give actually involve a cry for wholeness...

I disagree with my own theology. It's one thing to logically and objectively consider doctrines, and another to assess them personally, compared to one's experience.
Where I find myself:
Total depravity? still no
Unconditional election? not sure...
Limited atonement? yes
Irresistable grace? pretty much
Perseverance of the saints? no
It makes me really sad how many things I don't believe anymore (not just related to TULIP).
I don't know how much longer I can stay...
Usually I just try not to think about it. I don't even know how to deal with it.

Those Friends who were there for me today, who I let be there for me, thank you. It didn't make it better, but your company was valuable to me. Thank you for crying with me and understanding. Thank you for the amazing hug. I needed you, and you were there.

Other friends, even those who are closer, more daily friends to me, I'm sorry that I didn't let you in today, and that you had to find out about my crisis on my blog. I just couldn't. For some reason sometimes it's easier to be honest with those who aren't quite so close.

I wonder how long this will last. I wonder if it's just a bad day, and if I'll even remember it next week if you bring it up. I'm sure I'll even out to meh (instead of the current tearfulness) soon enough.

Sigh.

o wondrous love that will not let me go

i cling to you with all my strength and soul

yet if my hold should ever fail

this wondrous love will never let me go

?

Word of the Day: Copacetic

Copacetic: fine, completely satisfactory, okay. (www.dictionary.com)

A guy I used to work with introduced me to this word. I like it.
I wonder, though, how cheery the connotation is. If I say, "Things are copacetic," will it sound like, "Everything's so wonderful!!" or like, "Things are alright."?
Currently I am doing well. Maybe tomorrow if someone asks how I am, I will answer, "Copacetic!" with a smile, and start to spread this word of the day.

Decisions

I've had a couple of decisions come up lately. School-related things. In the big picture they're really not a big deal, but I'm not sure what to choose, and I need to decide really quickly. So I thought that writing might help me process.

The first decision is regarding choir and singing. I probably enjoy it more than I realize, but one problem that I have is that I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what is good and what is wrong in singing and it would probably be good for me to receive some personal teaching. I've thought about taking voice lessons, and if I am ever going to do so it should be at a time when I am singing regularily so I can use what I learn - like now, while I am in choir. But the thought really really scares me. It took a lot of effort for me to indicate my interest to my choir director, who's offering voice lessons through the school. He got back to me with a not-so-eager response because I don't want to do it for credit (I don't want to pay more, do a recital, or do a jury for credits I don't need, but it makes it a little trickier for him). Now I don't know if I should pursue this anyways, or just take the easy path and let it pass by. I guess I don't have to take voice lessons from this guy - other teachers wouldn't care so much whether I do it for credit or not.

The second decision I am facing pertains to classes. I have a conflict between two things I want to take this year: Greek and World Civ. (Interestingly enough, these were both classes that I was excited about not taking when I didn't think I was finishing my degree.) I have to take World Civ: it's required for my degree. And I love history, and the Prof seems great. We're talking about Egypt, Greece and Rome in the first semester and I think that will be really interesting. I want to take Greek: I excelled at it last year and that was so affirming, and I would love to learn more. I could even see my future in Greek - when I looked into seminary programs (for fun and possible long-term plans) what really caught my eye was the Masters programs with concentrations in Biblical Languages, the ones that would qualify me to be a Greek teacher.
Both classes are on the schedule at 8:15 on Mondays and Wednesdays. I've known about this scheduling conflict since the Spring and I've done what I can to resolve it. The Prof and the Registrar suggested that I just register for both courses, and Greek (being a small class) would get moved to a time convenient for everyone. When I saw the same schedule, unchanged, come out this fall, I was disappointed and thought this would mean I couldn't take Greek, since World Civ was required for me and Greek was merely an unneeded elective. But the Prof told me we'd just try to hold the class at a different time, regardless of what the schedule says.
It turns out that couldn't be; there is no other time that works for everyone. So the Registrar and Dean are offering me a deal: they will allow me to be exempted from World Civ so that I can be available to take Greek. World Civ 1 will no longer be a requirement for me. I didn't expect to face this choice! I expected that if I could only take one, Greek would have to go, no question. Now that I have to decide, I don't know what I want! (Another factor that complicates matters slightly is that fact that I have already purchased textbooks for World Civ, they were expensive, and I've started hilighting them...)
I will probably choose Greek, it just feels funny to let go of what I thought was a given (World Civ).
I could always take World Civ by correspondance, and I could do that at any time; it wouldn't have to be now since they say I don't need it anymore and it would just be for learning purposes. I was kinda looking forward to taking them both at the same time though - to learn about ancient Greece while learning Greek. But it would save me money to drop a class. But it would be hassle to drop down to part time. But it would give me more time for my thesis, and for visiting and coffee!

Sigh. I don't know what to do with my own life.

Update 09/10/07 I chose Greek. And I think I'm choosing voice lessons from a different teacher.

Party On

So once I move, I plan on actually having people over to my house. No one comes over to where I currently live because I'm not proud to be here and my place is always a disaster (and my roommate was always sleeping on the couch, which made it kinda awkward to have guests), but hopefully that will all change. Here are a list of some social affairs I hope to host:

a Moving Party?
a Housewarming Party
a Blitz Night
a Homework Party
a Thesis Party
a Knitting Party
a Tea Party (please, come over and help me drink all the tea I own)
a Dinner Parties (assuming/hoping I start cooking again)
a Movie Night (hmm, but all I have is VHS...)
- Foot Spa Party
a Chocolate Fountain Party
a Cream Puff Party (that's for you, Danaya)
a Ice Cream Party (perhaps even Ice Cream Making Party)
a Sleepover?

There's the possibility that I will get lonely because I won't have a roommate, so I invite you guys to come and keep me company and be my part-time roommates!

P.S. Those of you who live far away, I miss you!

New Home

I got it! I got a new place to live! It's been pretty sure for a while, actually - they liked me when I went in to talk to them so they bumped me to the top of their list, and they had one available for me - but I have been afraid to get my hopes up, afraid something would go wrong. Anyway, today I went in and signed a lease and wrote out bazillions of dollars in postdated cheques, so I finally feel like I can say that it's mine, it's a sure thing. Yay!
It's an apartment, and I'll live there alone. There's more space than I had expected! All my stuff will probably fit! There's a bathtub and a stove. Woohoo! The stove is Harvest Gold, the carpet is a subdued mustard colour and the cabinets are dark woodgrain, and I was a bit disappointed when I saw the colours because I like living in places that are white and feel new, but it will be okay. My 20-year old multi-brown-coloured couch will feel right at home. And I will have a home. I have 20 boxes packed already.

Back to School

It's school time again. I had my first class this morning.

A week or so ago I was thinking about this return to school and how I felt about it. The past month or so of summer has gone pretty well (well, except for the malfortunate things), and I am feeling pretty good, and I would be okay if summer continued on for another few months. I could handle some more time of going to work every day and not doing homework. But alas, it is not to be, and I have adjusted myself to that realization. So now I am kind of apathetic and meh about going back to school.

It's going to be a lot of work. It always is. And that makes me nervous - my academic work ethic has gone down hill over the past few years. And this year, on top of classes, there are a lot of projects I need to be self-motivated and non-procrastinating about - a practicum and a thesis. Can I do it? I have to.

This is my last year, and I am very aware of that. This whole year will be a long list of "last times" and it's started already. The last time I go to choir rehearsal camp, the last time we sing at orientation day, the last time I start a new school year, the last time I get a new mailbox number. It's nostalgic. And it makes me realize I need to do all I can to value these experiences while I still have them. Like dropping in on profs - something I don't do very often, but something I would like to do a little more and something I won't be able to do very easily after this year. Sigh, I hope to leave with no regrets (but don't know if it's possible).

I must admit that it is neat to be back and to see school people again. There are all sorts of people who I really like, but forgot about over the summer! I came back to sweetness and hugs and people who were glad to see me too. That has been nice.