Bad Day

Geoff is on holidays.
And the other girl is back off on a leave.
And Jared is busy in his home dept.
So I am alone in Payroll.

Today was Commit.
And I was alone.

So I started at 5:00,
an hour earlier than we otherwise would on a Monday.
That was okay;
I tried to intend to start at 4:30,
so then 5:00 seemed like a nice compromise.
(That's AM, btw.)

I committed on time!!
The little store and the big store!!
Yay me!!

Things started to slow down after that.
Of the five departments who wanted their numbers,
three of them gave me the
"are they ready??" inquiry
and though the other two were quieter,
they were no less anxious.
And the top manager was asking for the store's totals
long before they were ready.

I was two and a half hours late for lunch
(an hour and a half after the mandatory five-hour mark).
Shauna's break was late too,
and we commiserated.
That was nice.

I had some stress shortly after committing.
It looks like our timeclock wasn't working.
No one's scans appeared on my system.
But it turns out that's just the way it is now.
On a Pay Monday, things won't show up until the afternoon.
But it seems that the lack of scan appearances begins early -
maybe midnight, Ottawa time,
ten o'clock here,
when we still have people working.
It did seem funny to me that twenty people from the evening crew
forgot to scan out on Sunday night.
None of them got paid for the last half of their shifts;
by the time the scans appeared
I had long ago sent the hours into the paying-people company.
They'll get the money next pay.
But I'd never realized before how much work it is
to key in time missed on the last paycheque.
I've always thought it's not that bad,
but I've never had to do nineteen in a row.
It took a couple hours.

And we got a new manager today.
Brand new, from the UK.
She's very nice.
But she doesn't know how things work here,
and everything's a little bit different.
And we need to orientate her to everything.
And I just didn't have time for that today.
Not that I could say that to her.
So I tried to put my stuff on hold
when she came to me with questions,
but I was relieved when Sue took over the conversation.
I'm not good at training people,
especially in Admin, where I'm still on the learning curve.
I just look like an imbecile.
Well, Geoff will look really smart in comparison
when he comes back from vacation.
...And it's not just that I'm not confident
or knowledgeable about my department
or comfortable in my role.
I don't even know how to say things
that I know need to be said.
I don't know how to strike the right tone of voice
and balance that with the right words and context.
It makes me feel like I don't know how to communicate,
like I don't know how to be a person.

I like it when people make me feel like I'm good at what I do.
I need to borrow confidence from others?
I definitely didn't feel like that today.

1:30 - supposed to be off
2:00 - conversation with a higher manager
"I'm going to need some overtime today." "Okay."
3:00 - time I hoped to get out by
4:20 - I finally started packing it up

First 8 hours - straight time
Next 3 hours - time and a half
Over 11 hours - double time

Even though I hadn't gotten to any of the post-commit Monday stuff I always get done by this time, I was getting close to the double-time mark, the mark of working way too long. I felt anxious and stressed and I was ready to go.

I did the final update on the computer before leaving -
- and it didn't go through.
I've never had that happen before,
and I feared it indicated deeper problems
(especially with the previous problems of the day).
I brought it up with a manager,
but he knows nothing about the Payroll program.
I called the help desk.
They gave me a number for this program's help desk.
There I got an answering machine,
and a different number to call for "Critical Business Situations."
I didn't know if this qualified,
and the manager suggested calling to see.
The person I got ahold of was less than pleasant
and unkindly assured me that my concern was not worthy.
I got off the phone with tears.
Definitely time to go.
Four forty three.
Eleven hours and thirteen minutes.

On my way out...
Anson noticed my tears
and gave me a hug.
Sue made a point to tell me
that I had done a really amazing job today
especially considering the difficult situation I was in.
And the new manager said
she'd answer to anyone
who was rude to me.
I appreciated this.
She will stand up for us.
And my good work was noticed.
I couldn't imagine that I was unappreciated.
But it was a sacrifice; it came at a cost.

I cried the whole way home.
I cried until I was dizzy,
and then it was hard to drive.
And I yelled too.
Yeah, hysterical.
I haven't done that in a while.
It was a bad day.

Blog-less August

So, I find myself with an unspoken goal of publishing ten posts a month on my blog. If the number is lower than that as the end of the month approaches, I feel the obligation to write more and meet my goal. But... I have the most to say on my blog when I am spending a lot of time alone. That's when I end up putting a lot of time into thinking about things, and also when I have time to write and really develop those thoughts. That's not so characteristic of my life right now, though. Lately I've been spending more time living life than reflecting on it, I guess. And so I have less to write. Then that inspiring goal becomes a burden.
So for the next month, I'm removing my personal expectations. If I don't write anything in August, I'm okay with that. If I have things that I need to write about that's okay too, but I'm not going to set a minimum. (Who knows, maybe the freedom to not post will actually inspire more blogging!) We'll see what happens.