Road Trip

So a couple of months ago Justin and I were brainstorming things we could do together and places we could go to get out of town. I mentioned Waterton as we tried to think of other Banff-type places. It's not close, though, so we might have to make it a overnight trip, I commented. And he really jumped on this idea. He brought it up again shortly after I got home from Cuba, but I was so tired that I just felt overwhelmed by the idea. Then I realized I'd have a couple extra days off this week, and I started to feel comfortable with the idea of planning a Waterton trip.

It seems like a lot of people have never heard of Waterton. (Justin was one of them.) It is a National Park in the bottom left corner of Alberta, nestled along the borders with BC and Montana. On the other side of the American border the park extends into Glacier National Park, and the BC counterpart is the Akamina-Kishinina Provincial Park. The hilights of Waterton are the mountains and Waterton Lake (pictured here).

Waterton boasts some of the best hiking in the Rockies. I'm not much of a hiking enthusiast, though, and neither is Justin. We prefer "hike-slash-walks" that lean more in the direction of "walk." We took a couple of walks: we walked along the lake beside the town in the dark the first night we got there, we walked around Cameron Lake (which reminded me of Lake Louise in how it was completely surrounded by mountains), and we walked the loop around Red Rock Canyon before we left to come home. And we even took something that would definitely be considered a hike: the Bear's Hump. It was described as "moderate/difficult," but it was only an hour long (return) so we figured we could handle it. We did, but it was hard. Justin called it the worst 1.4 kms of his life. But we made it, and the view from the top was rewarding. It was interesting to notice my own style of hiking. I take really little steps, and they turn out really slow because each step has two parts: foot down, leg straight. It works for me though!

A website describing "Things to do in Waterton" suggested going down into the States and driving along the Going To The Sun Highway through Glacier National Park. It sounded pretty, so we did that the first day before going to Waterton. It was great! There were so many places to stop, so many things to look at, so much to do. We wished we had more time to see everything - there was so much we passed by for the sake of time, and we turned back when we'd only gone half way. We're planning to go back sometime.

The border guard that met us as we returned to Canada after spending a few hours in the States was suspicious of our story. It seemed unlikely to him that people would only leave the country for part of a day, and then return with few new acquisitions. He questioned us about our employment status and how we knew each other, and made us pop the trunk. I couldn't believe we looked shifty enough to warrant his suspicions. It was nice to have nothing to hide though. Maybe he was being driven crazy by the monster mosquitos they had in that area.

One great thing about both Waterton and Glacier, especially in comparison to a place like Banff, is how quiet it was. We were often the only people around, or there would be a few others. No crowds. No bustle. It felt like we had the mountains to ourselves. I really liked that, and I'd definitely go again.

'versary

It's been three years since I broke up with my ex.

This was a Postsecret postcard quite a long time ago. It's not exactly descriptive of my situation because I don't call that abuse (but some other people hinted at the term). Abuse is either really obvious or pretty vague. Still, I identified with this postcard. I was so relieved to get out.

Three years. Three years, and I'm still afraid of being accused of being indiscreet, still have a hard time considering myself kind because he said I wasn't, still afraid of being burdened with someone else's problems or leaning too hard with my own, still afraid of your anger and my tears, still feel uncomfortable with the thought of in-laws either loving or hating me, still unable to think that anything will last forever, still not interested in considering marriage. The realism that I traded for naivety has jaded into pessimism that makes me hesitant towards the future.

I sense the looming question: "If this residue from that relationship still remains, doesn't that mean you're not over it, not actually ready to be moving on?" No, that's not it. Some things linger for a long time - they change you and become a part of who you are. You're over the relationship, but you can't deny who it made you or expect that you should come out completely unscathed. For better and for worse, I am so much different than I was back then.

And I have come pretty far in the past three years. I no longer feel nauseous at the thought of a relationship (obviously) - that's some pretty big progress. I think I've mostly given up the princess attitude that used to come out sometimes. I've hugely improved at considering my problems my own and not making them someone else's problem as well, and at letting my boyfriend be himself without trying to manipulate him into what I think he should be. Growth!

Three years. The tone of tonight is that of another calm "Farewell."

Books Read - Spring 2009

1. Christians at the Cross by N. T. Wright
2. The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky*
3. Hometown Tales by Philip Gulley
4. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
5. Confessions of a Caffeinated Christian by John Fischer
6. Fifth Business by Robertson Davies*
7. Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
8. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
9. Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner
10. Dana's Valley by Janette Oke

Success

I got them all today.
All the countries in the World Countries Game.
All one hundred and ninety five.
I'm impressed with myself.
And a little unsettled.
It's weird when you actually achieve a goal that you've been working on for a while.

Catching Up

So I went out for coffee today with an old friend. We used to be close, and then we grew apart, and then he moved away. Now we rarely see each other - only when he's in town (this is the first time) or when I'm visiting Oma (sometimes). We don't otherwise keep in touch, but our friendship hasn't died like I thought it might. It's actually better now. When we do go for coffee it's a novelty and we have really good conversations. There's a history between us of speaking honestly and not hiding what lies beneath the surface, and the potential for that has remained. Sometimes I find that I discover where I'm at when I discuss it with him.

Today I was late because I got stuck at work. And then way before I expected, he was looking at his watch and I was asking "do you need to go at a particular time?" and he was getting up and leaving. So many things that I thought we'd talk about, we didn't.
And that's okay. Things are the way they need to be, even though they're not always the way I think they'll be.

I thought it would be worthwhile to note some of what I would have said if we had had endless time. The updates of the last six months, the things that came to mind when I anticipated going out for coffee with him:
... I've been in a phase lately where I've been worrying again that I'm socially inept.
... I'm still with Justin. It's been good, it's been really good. Actually, I broke up with him, um, a month or two ago (?), but then after crying for a week I decided I wanted to get back together. It was kinda cool to see that I do want to be with him.
... The distance between me and God is solidifying.

Conversation

"So do you think it would be weird if I dated him?"
"Hmm, no."
"Really?"
"Well, I've had a few weeks to get used to the idea. I thought it was weird at first, but it doesn't seem so odd anymore. You've kept me in the loop. Thanks!"
"That's 'cause you're the only one I talk to! If it wasn't for you, I might as well be back where I was living during the school year!"
"Really? 'Cause you thought you felt like you had no friends there."
"Well, I had my sister."
"And you wanted to come back here 'cause you felt like you had way more of a social life here."
"That's 'cause I can just call you up and we can get together and crochet or go for coffee or something. I can't do that with my sister - she's always busy with the kids."

So I'm her social life, and I'm the only one who knows everything that's gong on. I'm honored to be that important to her. But I don't think what we have is adequate.

I think our society creates a lot of lonely people.

More Neglect

So, we were sitting in the break room, and the girl we were talking to said something about never ditching her friends when she has a boyfriend. And he turned his head towards me and gave me an obvious look, and said something like "Unlike someone!" I know he was saying it in fun - that's what he does. And I know he feels like I don't spend enough time with him since I've been dating Justin. He told me that himself once, and then he told Katie, who told me, and then I think they talked about it again because she brought it up with me again.

I've been trying lately. But it took me three weeks to work up enough energy to choose a day to have him over for dinner, choose a menu, and clean sufficiently to make me feel like I could have company. It's easier when we just hang out at his place (he has all the cool toys - hot tub and big screen TV), but I feel awkward about suggesting plans there because I hesitate to invite myself over. I also want this to be a balanced friendship where I give as much as I take. If I feel like I don't have much to offer, I don't think I should take much from him.

It's easier now that Katie's home - we can all hang out together, and it's more likely that plans will get made. He concluded the break room conversation by saying, "It's okay now, we have movie nights again," with a grin. He looked really really happy about that.

But the pressure to make time for him makes me feel exhausted.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

And it turns out he's not the only one. Tonight, on one of those movie nights, we were talking about mutual friends and he (the same "he") mentioned a situation that happened earlier this week when we were planning this get-together. I arrived at work and he asked what days off I had, and then we arranged to do something tonight. Someone else, a guy I had been good friends with, overheard this and responded with exacerbation after I left the area. "Sure, she has time to hang out with you, but not with me?!!" Then he stormed off. I didn't know he felt that way; I though we both just accepted that we had grown apart (and I think it began before I got a boyfriend). But I guess I have another plate to add to the spinning plate party of guy friends who are feeling neglected.

I don't know if it's worth an apology. I don't know if I feel sorry. I'm not sure it could be otherwise, and I just feel tired.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

It seems that they think that I decline plans with them a lot. "I've asked over and over," they say. I don't see that. I can't think of any times when they've said, "Do you want to get together on this day?" that I've answered no. It's more likely to go: "We should do something sometime." "Yeah, we should!" And then we just never do. That's not me blowing them off! I just have a hard time with un-specific-ness. If you actually want to hang out with me, I need you to suggest a specific date, and knowing a time and activity would help too. If it's too vague I don't have anything to grab on to. "We should hang out sometime" really doesn't mean much to me. And it's not fair if you feel like I'm neglecting you because I'm not chasing you down with plans when you're too shy to suggest anything specific yourself.

Some things only last for a little while. My guy friendships seem to be like that. I notice that over the past couple years, I tend to only have one primary guy friend at a time. One friendship ends and another begins. They've each had their turn. This time it's a little different because I have much more with Justin than I did with any of them, but the principle is similar. Still, it can be painful when something ends, and I need to understand that their experience of this might be different than mine is. They might not be okay with the seasonal aspect of our frienship. The first guy flat out told me, "I need you in my life."
Sigh.

Thoughts on Working

On her blog, she wrote:

Tomorrow I have to work and I'm cringing at the idea. I hate work. I've reached that point in my year where I curse the thought of working full-time. My co-worker and friend says it happens to everyone around summer. When I work full time I become so aware that my time is not my own and that over 1/3 of my day I put effort into something that really doesn't concern or affect me at all except to pay the bills.

Reading her thoughts made me notice my own. I don't feel that way. I am so glad I have a job to go to for eight hours a day so that I don't have to worry about filling that time myself. I have no idea what I would do if I wasn't working. Of course there's a long list of chores and projects that are currently neglected, but I know they wouldn't get done anyways because I wouldn't be in the mood. I would just sit around awkwardly, lamenting the lack of structure. At least when I'm working I'm getting out of the house, I'm interacting with people, and I have purpose. And I like the money it provides me with. I haven't had to worry in a long time, and I'm grateful.

Of course it helps that I really enjoy the job I'm doing right now. I'm past the crazy part of the learning curve, but there is still a lot to learn and it is challenging. I don't work with anyone who bothers or frustrates me; I enjoy the few coworkers I regularly interact with. I get my evenings free, so I don't feel like work has to be my whole entire life.

And of course, I still wish I didn't have to get up so early - or get up at all - for work. I wish work wasn't a conflict with sleep. But even for that reason, I don't dread it.

In my contrast between my attitude and my friend's, besides the obvious benefits of liking your job or not minding the necessity of going to work, I'm not sure that I come out on top. I think my fondness for work is in a way a discomfort with and an escape from life.

Sigh.

Neglect

It's been a while since I've written much.
I'm sorry.
I'm still intending to write more about Cuba
and share some reflections on other things that have happened since.
It's just that I'm so tired.
Reflection takes energy,
and writing takes even more.
Sigh.

I sense that I have some important topics for reflection approaching
and I don't relish it.
Too hard.
Too bad.

Sleep is my favorite.

Negotiations

So we're negotiating a new employee agreement at work right now. Although we're not unionized it's kinda run as if we were. Every three years we get a new employee agreement, and they ask for our input for it. We get together in a series of meetings where we brainstorm everything we might want to ask for, and then, trying to represent our people, narrow that list down to our top ten requests. Actually, the more I take part in these negotiations, the less value I see in them - the big guys are only going to consider the top ten most popular requests from across the country, so if we have a really great novel idea, it won't even get considered unless everyone else has the same idea (making it less novel). It always ends up being the same things. And just because we ask doesn't mean they give us our request. "Considered" doesn't mean "granted." Still, I participate to show that I care about this, to demonstrate involvement instead of apathy, and to say thanks for the opportunity to do so. In some ways it feels like voting.

These meetings are always a conflict in values. The greatest point of strife generally seems to be between new staff and old staff. We want to keep our new staff, but we also want to reward our long-term people. If we focus too much on one end, the other people feel resentful. Who wants to start at a company that ignores you until you've been there for ten years? But on the other hand, if we try to make things cushier for the new staff so that they might become long-term employees, those who have been already been here for a long time feel undervalued. "We had to earn that with years of service!" they complain. "They can too."

With the way the economy is right now, it kinda feels greedy to ask for too much. Should we even ask for raises, increased bonuses, and more pension? I found myself thinking, though, that it's about fairness. We don't need to be afraid to ask for what is fair. We can't have everything, especially with how things are looking these days. And we need to realize that gaining one thing may cost us another. But the company is still growing. They're not afraid. We need not be either.

Cuba 8: For Next Time

- Don't only bring one style of sandals, because then when one pair gives you a blister, they are all going to rub and be uncomfortable.
- I'm not going to read as many books as I think I am.
- Don't even bother bringing the Spanish English dictionary. It's not going to get used. Same thing with the Spanish textbook.
- I packed long pants, a hoody, and a couple long sleeved t-shirts - and didn't wear any of them (except for on the plane). But I think I would bring them next time anyways, because you never know if it's going to get cool in the evenings. Plus, they're good for wrapping breakable souvenirs for the trip home.
- Although I mostly just wore tank tops, short sleeved shirts were handy to give my shoulders a break from the sun when they'd had a little too much.
- I brought a lot of dresses, and wore all of them. I'd do that again.
- I don't need as many bathing suits as I thought I would. I figured I'd want to wear a different one every day (because else it's a little bit like not changing your underwear), but some days I didn't put my bathing suit on at all (excursions, etc). When we were going to the beach I always wanted to wear the tops that were the best for tanning in, even if I had already worn them. Of the five tops and seven bottoms that I brought along, I wore three and five. Next time I don't need to bother bringing the old ones I don't like.
- I was glad that I brought chocolate along. Every day I wanted a mid-afternoon chocolate fix. And the granola bars I brought were handy for the days I missed breakfast.
- Think about tipping the waitresses with gifts, not just the maids.
- Two and a half excursion seemed like about the right amount for a week. It made a good balance between activity and rest - we didn't feel bored and we didn't feel too rushed.
- People keep asking me if I'd go back. Yes, I'd go back to Cuba. But I probably wouldn't go back to the resort we stayed at, though I'd probably return to Varadero. And I would probably go somewhere else (ie Mexico) next before going to Cuba again.

Cuba 7: Community

I'm not very good at being on vacation. The at the end of our first day, I wrote: I made it through the first day, despite some fears of the contrary: of vacations being wasted on me, of impending boredom and lethargy, of social constrictedness.

Vacations are hard on me, and that ends up revealing itself in a variety of ways. One primary symptom was an awkwardness with the people around me. It became hard being around my friends all the time for a whole week. Here are some feelings I recorded:

The thing about going away with someone is that there's nothing to say at breakfast. 05/17/2010

When we play Boggle, it's interesting to see how reluctant I am to accept your words when you have rejected mine. "What do you mean 'pina' isn't a word? Well then 'alt' definitely isn't either." 5/18/2010

I feel very third.
I'm so glad I have my own cot and am not sharing a bed with one of the other girls. A very small piece of my own space. I'm starting to have a hard time sharing presence.
Three is a weird number to travel with. Small enough that you feel like you need to go everywhere together. But way more needs and preferences to consider.
There are definite downfalls to travelling with friends. You see all their shortcomings. You see how your habits (tidiness, timeliness) clash. Everything the other people do and say begin to bother you. You start to push them away, for the preservation of your friendship. 05/19/2010

Someone always has to get the short end of the stick. And when I recognize it, I either need to take it for myself, or leave it for one of my friends and take the more favorable option. That feels awfully selfish to me, so I tend to take the worst option presented, leaving them with the better alternatives. But eventually I start to resent it. 05/21/2010

I don't think this was about them; I think it was more about me. Me being uncomfortable, and that coming out in my reactions to them. I do continue to value their friendships, even though this was an unfortunately bad example of that.