Esteem

Usually I think I'm pretty alright, or even pretty great. But I have noticed that when I am going into a downswing, the first thing to go is my self esteem. Sometimes it appears in what I say to myself in my head - things like, "yeah, I'm the loser who..." Other times it is deeper than that. At these times it seems incomprehensible to me that anyone else likes me, because I don't like myself. I can't believe that I am capable at anything so I fear all responsibility and the future. And there seems to be no hope of improvement, so all I can seek is escape.

Friendly Complaints

Aah, two hours of Friends and twenty some games of Spider Solitare. Good way to distract myself from the angst and unsettledness.

At least I had a reason to get out of the house again today. At least I had coffee with the girls as a reason to shower and dress and go to Starbucks. But I had a hard time enjoying it. I felt so flat. I felt like I had little to contribute. I felt lonely, even though I was surrounded by friends. I felt doubtful, about myself and my friendships.

She went out for coffee with him, without me. That should be totally fine - I've often hung out with him without her. But they'd never hung out together, and we've been talking about all getting together. I'd completely understand and be happy about it if they did this while I was gone, but they waited until I was back and I just don't understand why I wasn't included. He told me about it the other day, and I didn't have much to say to him afterwards. Tonight it almost came up in conversation with her - we mentioned him and how we should all hang out - and she didn't say anything about them getting together already. It's like she was afraid to tell me. And I didn't bring it up either because it's a point of pain for me. Just telling myself that this shouldn't matter to me because they are free to hang out together without me doesn't actually make it so. Unfortunately we can't simply tell ourselves how to feel.
It doesn't help that she doesn't return my calls. Is her answering machine broken?
I know that she is a true friend to me and that I am just being crazy here. But my craziness almost feels justified.

She was sweet. She told me that any time I need to get out of the house I can give her a call because she'll probably be feeling the same way and she's always free.
But she never calls me, and half the time she doesn't answer or return my calls (lately that's been better though). I wonder if we would ever get together if not for my efforts. Still, I value her and so I don't test that.
Once upon a time she had a conversation where they came up with the idea that Jesus was not fully human because he never had sex, a basic human experience, and she recounted this to us. I think someone else talked her out of this idea... but still, I feel threatened by it. As a corollary, I would not be fully human because I have never had sex. And it almost doesn't matter that she surely doesn't even believe this quick fizzle of an idea anymore. Because I still think of it, I wonder if I should talk to her about it. But I know exactly what she would say. She would be so compassionate, and she would apologize with such sincerity, and she would be so sorry that she wounded me. Would hearing it make a difference, or is it enough to know what she would say? Do I have to bring it up? Do I have to acknowledge that it is an issue for me?

To top it off, another friend (outside this group) has never given me her current home phone number and she never answers her cell. She's probably too busy to talk to me, and I've had to learn not to need her because I can't get ahold of her. Perpetually over the years I have wondered if our friendship is just a title or an actual reality, and during these times I quote Beaches: "What am I going to do without a best friend?"

I ran into a friend of his the other day, and he gave me a totally different picture than the person I think I know. Generally I would trust my friend over this other guy, but he planted the seeds of doubt. Do I actually really know him at all? How much does that matter?

Everything feels hostile. But at least it stopped raining.

Update (06/01/08): We went for a walk tonight, and she gave me a card telling me she appreciates my friendship. We didn't talk about my fears, but it still helped me to get over them. Everything is looking more okay. And I already have some plans for not being alone on my days off this week.

Excuse me?

We were hanging out at her house, playing a game, when she got home from a late shift at work. As she grabbed a snack and went into the cutlery drawer, she found something that didn't belong in there and commented, "Ah, I see someone's been 'helping'." I answered, "Yes, and you're glad we've been helping," to which she said, "Oh yeah, I love finding surprises in my cupboards." And I said, "And you also love coming home to a kitchen that's clean and not full of dirty dishes."

Earlier that evening, after we had finished supper, I had unloaded her dishwasher, refilled it with all the dirty dishes (both from the meal and ones that had been lying around the kitchen), washed all the dishes that didn't seem suited for the dishwasher (several meals worth, more than what we had used that night), put away those dishes, wiped all the counters , and swept the floor. I had the help of one friend, but meanwhile all the guys, including her husband, played RockBand in the next room.

I didn't mind doing it at all. I didn't want to play with them, and it felt good to make things clean. But it didn't feel good to hear complaints about my efforts when I felt like thanks would have been more appropriate.

I am seeing that I desire acknowledgement and gratitude for what I do. I guess I need to learn that that may not always be forthcoming and be okay with that.

Anyway.

In the future, Friend, should I just leave the mess so that I don't put anything in the wrong spot? Would you prefer that?

Conversation and Realization

So we were sitting in the break room, and Geff (yeah, that's right) was telling us about how he planned a surprise anniversary party for his parents because it was their 25th and so many couples don't last that long, so many couples don't even last 5 years. Then Anson joked about how his last marriage was short-lived, and I said mine was too. Anson added that his husband was abusive (and he's making it all up). And I told them that my last boyfriend threatened to drug my food (and I wasn't making it up). And then I realized that I have my own horror story to tell.

This was towards the end of our relationship. Things were tense. He had come over and all we were doing was fighting. I got really tired of it, and I asked him to leave my place. We just kept fighting. I asked him to leave again. Finally I said that if he wasn't going to leave, I would, which brought the fight out into the middle of the street (me, leaving; him, following; argument continuing the whole way). (It wasn't the kind of fight that was exceptionally loud or would attract much attention from the neighbours, but it wasn't pleasant either.) So we were standing in the street, tree-lined and green and sunny and blue sky, and I think he was telling me that I need to take responsibility for my life and my happiness, and I couldn't just see myself as a victim of my circumstances, and how he was so frustrated that my problems weren't getting solved and that I didn't seem to be doing anything about it, and how he felt like the only thing he could do is slip antidepressants into my food or something. At that I turned and walked away, incredulous, and that made him mad and he followed me for some more arguing. But soon after I drove away (from my own house), and so did he, because there was just no other end to the fighting.

There are a lot of explanations and excusings. It was the end of the relationship, and it was just an ugly time when we (he?) did unbecoming things that we wouldn't otherwise do. It was because of my persistent depression that I wouldn't marry him, so he felt personally offended when it wasn't improving and he acted out of that frustration. We'd had so many hopes and dreams for this relationship that their loss was hard to simply accept. And, he was kinda joking?

But jokes like that aren't funny. And the state of our character shines through in its truth in trying situations. And even if there are excuses, that doesn't erase the fact that this happened. I have my own horror story. Not just in that day, but in that time. Although it's not nearly as bad as the stories some other people carry, it still is what it is.

I'm almost embarrassed to tell the story. Actually, we had several stories that I hesitate to recount (especially to anyone who might know him) because they put him in an exceptionally bad light. He's not a bad guy, and there are many other stories that show him in a great light (unfortunately those are harder to remember and harder to tell). I am just so glad to be free.

I wonder what his stories about our relationship say about me. Did I cause him any horror stories?

Loss and Gain

We drove by a church sign that said, "Does your spiritual house need a spring cleaning?" and he posed the question to me. I said I don't know, and asked it back to him. He said no, he thinks his spiritual house is just fine. I added that I don't think spring cleaning would suffice for me and my spirit.

He heard this in the context of previous conversations we've had. He knows that I'm not proud of who I am because I had hoped to grow along a different trajectory and I feel like there is so much I have lost. And he said that he's kinda glad I'm not who I wanted to be, because that person would have nothing to do with him. I told him that I didn't think that would be the case, but it's true that who I wanted to be would have even less in common with him.

Lose everything to gain a friend?
Maybe the gains are myriad but disguised.
Maybe I only thought I knew what I wanted.

His statement implied that he values me. I said explicitly that I like having him in my life. I'm glad to be someone who can be his friend.

Unnamed

I found myself on a friend's blog the other day. (At least, I'm really sure it's me.) This is what she wrote:

I love that your deep desire is to love God well. I know that you are frustrated because you don't think you are doing it, but I believe he sees the desire in your heart and is praised by it. I learn so much from your walk. It has taught me integrity in my relationship with God. It is easy for me to say "Oh yes, I love God" even while I am chasing my own desires and turning from the plan he has for me. You show me that that is not pleasing to God. I know that you are learning how to be satisfied with where you are even though you desire so much more, but I pray God would share his intimacy with you. I pray you would feel his gentle hand in yours not guiding you but walking with you. I know that God smiles when he thinks of you. Your sweet innocence and desire to serve him are a blessing to him.

Thanks, Friend.

Nickels, Sunshine and the Mule

So I'm coining a new term: CART BURN. That's when you get a sunburn from all the time you spend outside pushing buggies on a hot and sunny day. Today I figure I spent about three hours out there (but it felt like all day), and as a result I have a pretty good cart burn. Because of the dress code it's a farmer's tan, but luckily because of way I was walking most of the time my right arm is more burnt than the left, so it will fade into the opposite of a trucker's tan and it'll even out as I drive around this summer. The funniest part is my chest tan - a pink triangle with a big necklace line through the middle of it. Not considering the sun, at least pushing carts isn't as bad as it used to be because it's not really pushing so much anymore since we got a cart-pusher! We've wanted one forever, and it's pretty sweet. Of course, without it we wouldn't stay outside for so long and we'd get less cart burn.

Home

I'm home again. It's nice to return to my own shower head.

Tour ended well for me, and I came home feeling good. That was really nice. I think part of it was that I felt important. I had been affirmed about my role in our group and I saw that people valued me and I had a chance to tell them that I value them. Also, unfortunately tour ended really badly for a friend of mine, and I was the only one who really knew what was going on so I was the one he talked to. When we got back I drove him home and then we went out to Denny's to talk more about what was going on and also to give him a bit of a distraction from it. I felt helpful, and I felt like I was successfully navigating social situations and showing people that I care, and that feels good.

My good feeling only lasted about a day. Then I started to feel nervous about having to create a meaningful life here. Last summer had aspects that were really rough. I spent too much time alone and that was painful. And now I'm facing a "summer" that will never end - I'm not going back to school again in Sept. I don't want the rest of my life to be crappy and intensely alone. But I feel myself getting sucked in to old habits and insecurities.

I'm trying to remind myself that I have never lived here (in this apartment) in the summertime, and since this is different everything else can be too.

I went out for coffee with the girls tonight, and that makes me feel really good. Socially connected. I have friends who love me and value me.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm glad - I don't to well with too much unstructured "vacation" time. I stopped in yesterday to get my schedule, and it seemed strange seeing work people when I got so used to being around choir people. But there are people who care about me there too, and this year I have found that work sociality is easier than that of school or choir.

I have more thoughts to process and record about tour, but I just don't have the energy to do it now. When I do post them, I will probably backdate them - so if you're interested, keep your eyes open to what appears beneath this post.

Best Billets

So a big part of the tour experience is the billets - the people who graciously take us into their homes for a night. Most of them are pretty wonderful simply because of the fact that they host us. Of course, there are some less than ideal experiences (like when my pajamas still smelled like their dank musty basement the next day, or the offer of macaroni-and-cheese-ham and frozen juice concetrate), but there were also some outstanding ones. Here are the people who topped the charts for me:

Danielle and John in Fergus, ON We spent our day off in this area and so we stayed with them for two nights, which automatically gives us more of a chance to get to know them and makes them all the more amazing for hosting us. They were a young couple around my age, with one cute baby and another on the way. It was neat to see how their family worked, and we had some really good conversations with them. On the first night we sat outside talking for a couple of hours in front of a bonfire, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows. Danielle was kind of quiet, but sweet and practical. John was a big teaser, but also such a good listener. They asked us really good get-to-know-you questions, and I was really impressed with how they responded to some of the the things that my billet-mate shared (she was braver than I was). They weren't scared by the mention of depression, and they weren't afraid to ask more about it. They gave advice where appropriate and made listening noises where appropriate. And if I hadn't said anything for a while, they pointedly asked what I thought to make sure I was included in the converation, and I really appreciated that. It would be really neat to live nearer to them and remain part of their lives.

Sherilyn and Steve in St. Croix Falls, WI I was chosen to stay with this couple, the aunt and uncle of a choir friend, and that esteem was already a blessing. We got to their house late and we were really tired but we just couldn't stop talking with them to go to bed. They were so gracious. Steve had been disabled by an accident a few years before, and though I didn't ask the details I could imagine the difficult path they have had to walk. They've been part of tours like ours before and so they understood what the experience was like and I appreciated our conversation about that. I really loved the way they provided for my billet-mate. She was allergic to yeast, and not only were they able to give her a wrap instead of a sandwich for lunch, but they also gave her the whole package of tortillas for future days because she had run out of her stock. They stayed up late to do our laundry for us. And then in the morning they cooked us super scrambled eggs for breakfast, even though it was really early. They were so wonderful, and I felt so blessed.

Affirmations

My affirmation time came on the last morning on the bus. I was in a good mood to receive it, and people seemed eager to affirm me and honest in what they said, so it was a positive experience for me. I was honored by everyone who spoke up, even the people I wasn't very close to. And... I really appreciated when I could tell that people weren't just flattering me because they acknowledged issues that may have been between us.

My ex spoke up. First he made me laugh with an inside joke (that confused everyone else). Then he said, "I think that out of everyone here I've known you the longest, been the closest to you, and hurt you the most." I really valued that acknowledgement. He went on to say that the high opinion everyone has of me is a testimony of the journey I'm on, and other pretty nice things that I've forgotten. Just the fact that he said anything was meaningful.

One good thing about this year is that our leadership has made a point to affirm each person too. Our choir director's words meant a lot to me. A few days ago when I affirmed him I said that I am proud to sing under him, and now that it was my turn he said that it is a blessing to conduct me. He feels like we connect often in concerts (maybe I would notice better if I actually wore my glasses and could see well...), and he notices how much I give. He said he appreciates how loyal I have been to our school and to our choir. He acknowledged that I have given a lot to our group and that it hasn't always been noticed, but then he said something like "I am recognizing and thanking you for that now." That really meant a lot to me.

Other things people said that blessed me: They've had fun with me. They love me and they will miss me next year. They appreciate it that I give loving touch. I am mature and without shallow pretense. I am gifted at listening and spiritual direction, and they can see that in my future. He liked playing frisbee with me. Our Father takes great delight in me.

The things I doubt about myself - things like loving people - they don't see, and they even think that I do well at these things.

We wrote encouragement notes to each other too. These were some of my favorites:

I can see how you pour love into your friends, you give yourself to them and I can see how well received that is.

You are amazing! You have such a big heart... P.S. I LOVE your voice. =)

I remember almost getting to live with you... All I could think of were the late night talks we would have. I see so much wisdom in your eyes and I appreciate how much you have been a supporter of me.

You are an AMAZING woman of God. You are so beautiful and have such a big heart. I love how you devoted yourself to everyone who needs a little lovin'! If there is one girl on this tour that could change the world it would be you. Yes you are that good. We need to keep in touch. God's blessings to you! Love in Christ...

You are so incredibly genuine and your pure heart is on your sleeve... You are so gifted at loving [God] and loving others... We are all changed after having known you.

I have never met anyone like you. I felt so special to you and when you asked how I was doing I felt compelled to answer honestly... I feel so privileged to have gotten to know you a little bit.

You inspire me to live deeply and truly.

Thanks for your open and understanding personality. You are one of the most mature, strong-headed people I know. I really appreciate how you care, especially on this tour. You are genuine and irreplaceable. We should keep in touch.

Your gentleness and openness will capture everyone's heart wherever you'll go.

You are the biggest encouragement I could have had this year.

You show true bravery. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life, to see beyond the surface and for calling me friend.

You are a pillar of this group... and your presence will be sorely missed.

Just seeing your soft smile and your gentle spirit always makes my heart sing... I'm glad - blessed to have been a part of your walk for this chapter of your life.

I'm so sad that you are leaving but I know it's time for you to go so I wish you luck for the rest of your life.

Some people still commented on my great love for God or my joy. One guy wrote to me: "You honestly sincerely amaze me. I have no clue how one person can express such joy and happiness ALL THE TIME. You seriously inspire me to search God out more in my life because your attitude and outlook on life obviously is a reflection and outpouring of the uncontainable joy of Christ you experience everyday." But this was written to someone who I'm not close to at all, and I smile at his perceptions and I was blessed and surprised that he wrote to me at all. A closer friend noted, "You are a person who knows deep sorrow and deep joy. The latter may not be something you often feel, but others see it in you."

During prayer time before our final concert, we took communion together. That's always a hard thing for me because I'm so uncertain about my spiritual state. This time I took it, saying,
I believe you love me.
Because they've said they do.

Last

}}} standing on the risers for my last choir concert, being grateful for the chance I've had to do this. Trying to enjoy it one more time instead of lose the experience by lamenting the end.

}}} realizing that the last choir concert marks not just the end of tour, but the end of my involvement in my school. Last.

}}} thinking about the trajectory of my life, particularly my spiritual life, when I no longer attend a Christian school with its inherent Christian community. I am at a place where my spirituality is quite communal, in the sense that I rely on the faith of the group when I have none of my own. Vicarious. Having the characteristics of the group (such as love for someone) imputed to me because I am part of the group. But - when I no longer have a community of faith, what will I do?

}}} taking more risks. Reaching for his hand when he was shaken. Offering her a kleenex. Telling them I appreciate them. "It has been an honor to sing next to you."

Concluding

We're coming to the end. Only two more days, two more concerts. On one hand it feels like it has gone quickly; on the other it feels like forever since I was home. And I'm both glad and sad to see it end. It has been hard, but it's my last tour, my last concerts, my last chances to sing... and there has been good there. I wonder if it will hit me during the final concert, or if I will just feel numb to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's encouragement-note-writing and affirmation-sharing season. And I have very little to say.

I find that sometimes (often?) "encouragements" come out sounding more like insults than like compliments. Things like, "When I first met you I hated you, but I'm glad we're friends now," "even though you have a dirty mind sometimes you say insightful things," or "we're not close, but..." Sometimes the weight of the sentiment seems to come out of the less positive context, but it's difficult to articulate that in an affirming way. At least I don't know how to consistently do so, and therefore I hesitate to try out of fear of offending.

Eventually it will be my turn to be affirmed (because it's my last year and I've been around for six semesters). I feel like I don't really deserve it because I have been stingy with my praise when we've affirmed other people. Plus, I don't see my appreciated qualities in this group, and that makes it hard to believe people when they tell me nice things. In my cynicism I wonder how often they'll say "you're always so happy" or "you're so quiet" or "you just love God so much," and then I'll think "you don't know me at all."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things are not what they seem.
That is what I think when I sing songs about God's wonderful care for us while feeling the absence of that. Although my experience is valid, it does not define reality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord, help me "love the life you have given."
That's been my prayer today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My best find of the week: a case of A&W Cream Soda for my brother for Christmas.
Some of the most exciting parts of the day (esp in the States) are our rest stops at gas stations. Half an hour of freedom from the bus! A bathroom break! Exciting unusual chocolate bars!

More Tour Thoughts

I've come to learn which songs he plays for and which he sings for so I know when to vacate his spot.
And he'll never notice.
Anyway.

**********

I'm not honest with them. Not that I'm dishonest, but I am not completely honest. There is much I don't share. I could count on one hand (almost) the number of people in this group who I would say really know me. I don't know if it could be any other way. I don't know if another way would be better.
This does not feel like community to me.
Four plus years at achool, where my greatest boon has been learning about and experiencing community, and I am still left empty and ignorant.
And I don't have much confidence in what seems to await me in the next phase of my life.

**********

I'm getting to the point of tour where I just don't care so much about building friendships, or feeling awkward about not building friendships. It'll be over soon anyways. Not caring means not hurting when it feels like I am falling short.
Anyways? I can't.

**********

I finished reading Hind's Feet on High Places and I really liked it. I'm not sure how true of an allegory it paints, and I feel like my life does not follow that path, but it was beautiful and inspirational nonetheless.

Now I am on to The Autobiography of Madame Guyon. The edition I have isn't very good in the sense that it is not well edited; there are probably four times more commas than there need to be and that gets a little frustrating. But once I get past that it's really interesting. So far I've been reading about her early life, and I like her insights into parenting that come out of what she lacked.
"We glorify God most when we prevent what may offend Him."

Remembered

I was walking into soundcheck, running a little late, when I heard my name being called.

"Michelle! Michelle! I'm glad I caught you!"

I looked over to see a woman I didn't recognize. How did she know me? Why was she calling me? Was it a treasurer matter?

"I met you last year when you were here. After that big concert. I've been praying for you over the past year - whenever you'd come to mind I'd pray 'Lord, bless her!' I just wanted to tell you that."

Her name is Edna. I don't remember her, but I am so touched that she remembered me and prays for me.

Later I realized that I wished I had exchanged email addresses with her, so perhaps we could keep in touch. I think it's good to keep people who show me love in my life. I'm sure she would have been open to that, but I didn't even think of it at the time. Regret.

Lord, bless her.

Another Update

We reached the half-way point of tour. This was our day off - no concert and no travelling. We're in Ontario, at the same place where we spent our day off last year. My billets from last year saw and recognized me at the concert last night, and that was so sweet (they were absolutely wonderful). I enjoy the billets I am with this year too - they're about my age, married with one child and another on the way. They are really neat people, and it would be really fun to be around them and be friends. But alas, we live across the country from each other. Today I spent the day off hanging out with a friend and her fiance. We went into town to a Christian bookstore, out for dinner, and then to a kung fu movie. It was alright.

The social aspects remain hard. It is hard to receive love and to feel like I am giving love. I feel like I don't know how to be friends with people. I don't know if they would understand if they really knew me.

Yesterday I had fun. We had a bit of free time before dinner so I went outside, and one of our guys asked if I wanted to play frisbee with him. I said "Sure!" and then I qualified, "I'm no good at it," as a disclaimer. And it was so much fun. He gave me some hints on how to improve my game, and it was nice to have a reason to run (although in consequence my butt hurts today). The most important aspect for me, though, was just the attention, the friendship. I've been feeling kinda invisible and unable to change that.

I got my hair cut the other day. We had some free time at a mall and I didn't have much to do but I did really need a haircut (the last one was in August). And they straightened my hair, which was fun and novel for me, and that meant that for two days I didn't actually know how short my hair had gotten. It seems quite a bit shorter, but it's not super noticeable. I like it.

Some theme phrases for me lately:
- ...to be the beloved...
- ...the loser who cares... Anyway.
- (O Sacred Head) We learn to dance here.