The Morning After

I use the term "morning" loosely. I guess it means "the beginning of my day," whether or not that's before noon.

I woke up this "morning" feeling kinda weird about the situation. "Really, I'm dating Justin?" Not panicked or regretful, just kinda strange.

I hope I don't break his heart.

Update on Life

So, Justin just left. Yeah, I know, it's five in the morning. We're official now. =)

I know I said I wasn't eager for anything to happen too quickly. But saying that feels like a long time ago already, and the anticipation started to feel less fun rather than more fun. Plus, he got a new job so he's leaving early next week, which means that working together won't stand in the way. And I suspected that perhaps I wouldn't like my other guy friends until I got things sorted out with Justin, but once that happened we could all be okay again (I hope I'm right). The time seemed opportune.

Yesterday I asked him if he'd want to hang out on our days off, and he said sure. He called today and we tried to make plans (something we're not very good at). I said there was a movie I've heard good things about and asked if he wanted to come over and watch it with me, and then I added that I should cook so he could come for dinner if he wanted.

He came for dinner and a movie. (He showed up early, just as I began putting on makeup, so that aborted that process. So I had no makeup on, and I was wearing my huge break-up hoody, and not looking very glam, haha.) After the movie we talked for like three and a half hours (not realizing that much time had gone by!), and then we stuck in another movie. He put his arm around me and I held his hand and cuddled into him. And then halfway through The Incredibles, he kissed me. "I've been waiting a long time to do that," he said. "Sorry for being so forward..." And I said, "I think we need to have another talk," and "I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into; there's a lot you don't know about me." "I'm willing to learn," he said.

We saved the talk for when the movie was finished. Here's some of how it went: ("I'm in quotation marks," he's in italics.)
~ "So the last time we had a talk, I said I wasn't really interested. But I kinda changed my mind..." (I caught him off guard with that.)
~ "You caught me off guard a couple weeks ago, because you always talked about how you liked being single!" Yeah, I guess I didn't think I was looking, but then the right person appeared before my eyes!
~ "I'm a lot older than you are..." I can't change my age...
~ "I've only vaguely mentioned to you my depression problem." I want to be there for you and help you with that in anyway I can. "I don't want to make it your problem; I just want you to know."
~ "I'm kind of a saving-sex-for-marriage kinda girl, so I'm not going to sleep with you." I respect that.
~ "There's a lot that we don't have in common..." That's what attracts me to you.
~ "I'm not sure if I see this being a long-term thing..." (and he didn't say anything...)
~ "One reason why I don't like relationships is because they usually get all obligation-y, and you feel like you have to act a certain way and do certain things because you're dating. I hope we can avoid that and just act naturally with each other." Yeah, that sounds good, I'm not a fan of conformity.
~ "By the way, I knit." That's cool!

No deal-breakers! So we are girlfriend/boyfriend/dating. And it felt so good and I felt so happy in his arms.

Update for Email

They "updated" the look of my email site. I was apprehensive at first; I generally don't like changes. But it's not all that different, so I guess I'm okay with it. They said the funniest thing in their explanation of some of the changes though:

We've designed Windows Live Hotmail storage to grow with you, but at a reasonable pace. That means you should have plenty of storage unless you suddenly want to store the planet Jupiter on Hotmail, in which case we'll send you a nice e-mail asking you to please not try to store planets on Windows Live Hotmail (although gradual storage of moons and asteroids is ok).

hahaha!

Survey

So I got an email survey from my school today. They wanted me to rate them and myself (for their purposes) now that I have graduated. After asking how important each of their programs are to the school's success, they started asking questions about me in an attempt to compare me to their profile of a graduating student to assess how they are doing. We didn't score so well. I'm not as good a Christian as when I first went back to school. Maybe that's not school's fault; maybe it would have happened anyways. But my perception of my growth in Christian character over the time I was in school and since is not positive.
Here's a sample of some of their statements against which I had to rate myself:
- I view everything I do as purposeful for accomplishing God's plan on earth. Not so much.
- I accept the Bible as God's Word as it informs and guides decisions in all of my activities. Although I accept the Bible as God's Word, it actually doesn't really seem so relevant to all my activities.
- (Under the topic of commitment to spiritual growth) I maintain my own emotional health. Where does that question even come from?! In fact, much of my growth during school stemmed from just the opposite of what they are implying - that careful control can be exerted over emotional health, which is necessary for spiritual growth.
- I attend and am a committed and involved member in a local church; I support the activities of my local church. Sorry guys.
But when they get around to asking, "What would you suggest we do differently or better?" I have no idea what to say.

Developments

So, the Justin thing. Last you heard, we held hands in a movie and then had something of a talk at Denny's where I said "I'm not thinking relationship here," and he said nothing. Then I went away for a week, and we emailed each other almost every day, and he was on my mind a lot.

We hung out again the day after I came home. We went for food with some other people, and then we went to a movie alone. There was no popcorn to throw at each other this time 'cause we were full, but he still tried to tickle my knee muscle, which was an excuse to hold his hand again. And I liked it so much. I laid my head on his shoulder and smiled and felt all warm. And I liked how it wasn't based on obligation - we were doing this because we wanted to, not because we're in a relationship and that's what you do. I was thinking that maybe the holding hands was okay since after last time I told him I don't want a relationship but I think I may have made it sound like I wouldn't mind holding hands anyways. After the movie we went to Starbucks, and then when they closed we sat in my car and talked for a couple hours. Then when we said goodnight and gave each other an awkward car hug ('cause car hugs are always awkward), he tried to kiss me on the cheek! At least I think that's what he was going for - it was unexpected, and it turned out like one of those strange European greetings. I was surprised, and unsettled. Escalating physical contact, when it's not even a relationship! More talks to come, I figured. Except I would rather not be the neurotic girl who constantly needs to talk about "us"...

Trevor tells me that guys are stubborn. That the talks don't really work 'cause the guy just doesn't listen and keeps hoping anyways. And I've realized why they do that. Because it works. On Saturday night I finally realized, or became willing to admit, that I am becoming interested. I think what opened my eyes was going for coffee and a movie with another guy (someone I used to know and was reconnecting with). I just kept wishing it was Justin there instead of this other guy. Then last night I went to a movie with another guy friend of mine, and again I wished I was with Justin. I felt ready to leave by the time the previews were finished. Movies don't seem as fun if I can't hold his hand. And it's not just that - I don't even enjoy their friendship as much anymore. So it turns out that I am willing to be somewhat exclusive. (It does concern me a little, though, that I don't like my other friends as much in comparison.)

So, I'm interested. He's on my mind a lot. Whenever something happens I want to tell him about it. I really like spending time with him, either just the two of us or in a group, and kinda I miss him when he's not around. I'm surprised at how much we can talk. Going to the movies, holding his hand and resting my head on his shoulder is currently like my favorite thing to do.

He's still only twenty. That's four years younger than my little brother. I'm not sure I'd want to tell my family about that. But, there are young twenty-year-olds, and older twenty-year-olds, and he acts more maturely than a lot of other people his age. We relate as peers - he doesn't feel that young. Although the numbers feel like a big deal, it's not a deal-breaker.

I'm not in a hurry. Actually, I think this is the fun part - the possibility and the flattery, before the obligation sets in or anything gets weird and pressure-ful. Plus, I think it would be frowned upon at work because I have a position of some authority over him, and the last thing I want is a talk from a manager about how it is inappropriate. And who knows, maybe we'll just get tired of each other before anything really happens.

There's a lot he doesn't know about me. I've only once flat out mentioned my depression. I don't bring up my relationship with God. He doesn't even know that I knit. So I guess at this stage I need to start making a point of revealing more of who I am. And I need to warn him that I'm not going to sleep with him. I wonder if he expects that, if I'm still the paragon of modesty at work, if that's how he sees me. I wonder how much that will matter. I think that the whole situation will be more of a discussion than a decision, because there's so much potential for deal-breakers to arise.

I don't really see this as a long-term thing, not really marriage material. We have too much not in common. On one hand that makes me wonder if it's even worth getting into, but on the other hand I think it could be fun while it lasts. And if I'm not thinking long-term, then it's more okay if we're not a perfect match. Still, it seems interesting to me that after two and a half years of being single, this is the relationship I'm interested in developing.

I had a talk with Brandon today. We were standing in the office and I had done him a favor.
b> Have you seen Justin?
m> No, I think he no-call-no-showed today.
b> Oh. Have you seen him outside work lately?
m> Not lately.
b> Has he called you?
m> Um, no.
Brandon smiled and shook his head.
I thought, So I guess he's been talking to you! They're friends.
We talked more later. He really wanted to say something, something about Justin, but decided against it. I think it was something like, "He likes you." Instead he just asked where I was at. I told him the truth.

Appreciation

I went out for coffee with Trevor today, and he gave me such a sweet card!

Michelle
So I'm definitely not one of those girls on the cover! I've really enjoyed our friendship + I wanted you to know how greatful I am for it. When we first started talking at work I really felt like you were really caring + I enjoyed talking with you, even about the Jesus Fish cod packaging! I really enjoyed our talks in the lunch room about how both of us came to Christ in different ways, even though it resulted in both of us being late coming back from our breaks. You really made work enjoyable for me + I loved working with you. But I've enjoyed our friendship even more now that I've left. I really appreciated your care package for me and my new life. I'm so glad that we've been able to stay in touch over the last few months and I'm very glad that you've been able to find time for me whenever I come back home! I've really learned a lot from you about work, life, and trusting God. Your prayers and advice have made the transition to university very smooth + you've really helped me in my transition (more of a break up haha!) with Shannon. I have leaned heavily on your advice + friendship + you've always come through for me. Thanks for being so thoughtful with sending those cookies in the mail, that was so great! I really look up to you, and I'm so happy that I can always count on you in a time of need. Thanks so much for always being a friend! (Haha, I feel really bad for not picking a more masculine card!)... I hope this brightens your day the way all of your cards have brightened mine.
God bless you Michelle!
Your friend in Christ,
Trevor.

One thing I appreciate about Trevor is how he makes a point to say thank you for things, to tell me he appreciates me and values my friendship.

Vacation Chronicles

Satur day 1: Key wouldn't work in my apartment door. Got called an "old lady" by the old man in the hardware store. Eventually got on the road to head to Dad's house. Had fish for supper.

Sun day 2: Fantastic (though short) shopping trip with Mom. Thanksgiving dinner with family. Gigantic fire in the turkey fryer that we forgot to shut off. Midnight drive to Mom's place.

Mon day 3: Little to report. Hung out with Mom, then came home. Saw some llamas on the drive! Unpacking, packing, catching up on blogging, emails, and letters.

Tues day 4: Errands. Packing. Hanging out with Justin: pool, a movie, and Denny's.

Wednes day 5: No sleep. Airport. Flying to Ontario! Taking a long nap. Enjoying conversation together.

Thurs day 6: Leisurely morning. Hanging out at McMaster University.

Fri day 7: Went into Toronto! Discount theological bookstore! Peter Katz concert!

Satur day 8: Niagra Falls! Renting a car and driving along the banks, enjoying the autumn colours.

Sun day 9: Relaxation. Baking cookies. Drinking tea.

Mon day 10: Going to school at McMaster! Joining my friend for her classes, learning about research methods, fundamentalism/modernism, and immigration. Dinner with my friend's community.

Tues day 11: Sleeping in and packing up. Going to the mall. Getting my hair cut and straightened! Heading to the airport and flying away. Farewell!

Wednes day 12: Lounging around the house. Not even going to buy milk. Wings and a movie and a Starbucks and a car conversation with Justin.

And then it was back to work!

Relationship Thoughts

Things in theory are different than things in practice. You can make great theories, but when you get close to the real thing, you sometimes see your theories dissolve. Throughout my time of singleness I've done a lot of thinking on relationships. The recent situation with Justin has renewed my perspective, though, and made me realize that a lot of my theoretical ideals don't fly in the real world.

~ I figured that it's not all that important (to me) to expect to marry the person I'm dating. I'd rather go into a relationship without such expectations so I'm more likely to make a fair assessment as we get to know each other of whether we really are well suited for each other. And in the meantime, you just have fun together. But I've been realizing that marriage really is worth thinking about before you begin dating someone, because you will either marry them or break up. And despite my last experience, breaking up isn't always pleasant - and you don't want to cause them pain. Once you start dating, it moves into the "potential for marriage" realm - it's not just filling time and keeping each other company. That's called "just being friends." I still don't think that I have to be sure I'll marry someone before I date them, and it doesn't have to be something we've talked about, but I should be able to see that as a possibility. Because it turns out that I don't know how to do something that's not serious if we're calling it a relationship.

~ Once you start talking about a relationship, it puts funny pressure on things. It has a different flavor than a friendship does - and that's kind of inevitable. It happens even when you think it won't. A boyfriend is different than a friend.

Some new thoughts and theories have come out of this new perspective. (Hopefully they'll still seem true from later points of view!)

~ Marriage (and even relationships) will always be hard, no matter who you're with. It's a choice to make it work, to make it good. But at the same time, that doesn't mean it doesn't matter who you pick. It will be more or less hard depending on how well you fit together. And you need to think about whether what you have with this person is enough to make you willing to put the hard work into making a good relationship.

~ I like building up to friendships/possible relationships. I like the excitement of flirting. I like it when a guy gives me attention because he wants to, not because he is obligated to because I'm his girlfriend. I don't expect the good things about a pre-relationship to actually last into a relationship...

~ Some people are friends who cuddle, friends with (some sort of physical) benefits. Do they just assume that the other person is on the same page and that the physical means nothing? Maybe they've talked it out and are both in agreement (or if they're not, they're willing to say they are. "Yeah, sure I don't 'like' you!"). I generally assume that physical contact means relationshippy things, but maybe that's not a common assumption and I am too eager with my "talks." I just don't want to encourage ideas that aren't true and hopes that aren't founded. I don't want to lead them on. I would like to hold hands without dating them, but I feel like that needs a talk to be okay.

~ That's the thing about asking for advice: your friends can tell you what they think, and what they have done in similar circumstances, but you never really know if that applies to your situation...

~ I have mixed feelings about exclusivity. On one hand, I would feel jealous if Justin was throwing popcorn at another girl, or if Patrick started having someone else over for movies. But I don't think that necessarily means I want to be more than friends with them - I just want to be a little bit special in their lives, and that is what we do together. I can be jealous for my friends. For instance, when two of my female friends started working together this summer I felt a little left out because they had something in common that I wasn't a part of. And while I feel kinda jealous, I don't act on that. It makes me sad, but I understand that friendships do not have a commitment clause.
At the same time, though, I don't want to feel like I have to be exclusive to only one guy. I really value all of my friendships with guys, and I don't want the promotion of one to be the ruin of the others. I guess that strengthening these friendships now, before I am in a relationship, means that they could last even if I got a boyfriend because they were around first. But I guess I also need to wonder whether we are just keeping each other company while we wait for the right one to come along, and if we'll have much left for each other when we're no longer single.

~ I'm nearing the point where if I'm not looking for a life-long relationship, it might not happen. Every other time period of history would already consider me an old maid. I'm starting to understand those desperate people who settle. Not that I'm desperate, just observant.

Relationship dissected: At it's most basic, a relationship seems to be...
Enjoying spending time with someone
+ Seeing a future together
+ A DTR conversation making it official (probably)

Airport Observations

I find it interesting how different airports have different security emphases.
- Every time I flew out of Idaho I saw the sign forbidding any locks on checked baggage, because they would search it all. And as I went through security, they made me take off my shoes each time so they could swab them.
- Leaving Alberta, they were very suspicious of my (plastic) recipe box filled with (paper) Greek vocab cards. My bag went through the x-ray twice, and then they inquired about it. I have also caused difficulties by having a lot of bobby pins in my carry-on here.
- In Ontario, they feel very strongly about having the small approved bottles of liquids/gels in a plastic bag. I read about this, so I already had my mini lotion and two lip glosses in a baggie, but I didn't worry about the one in my pocket. I was waiting for my bag to come through when I nonchalantly pulled my lip gloss out of my pocket and put some on. I heard the security officer say to someone, "Can you grab a bag for that lady's cream?" What? That lady? My lip gloss? "You should have given that to him," she reprimanded me as she gave me a special bag for it. They feel strongly about this!

On the topic of Greek: I haven't touched my vocab since last spring, but out of the three hundred and some words we learned in our first year, there were only 24 I didn't get! Second year vocab didn't go nearly as well, but still I am encouraged to have not forgotten it all.

Fix

Whenever I think about it I really get my thoughts mixed up and it all starts to hurt. I still am very much in love with her... Today I started out so well, I was so trusting in God with breaking up with her and as the day went on I just wished I was with her more and more. I know that it's the right thing to do, to break up. But it just really sucks and I haven't told anyone tonight, but it's really hard right now. I can't believe that it's only been a week =(

I wish I could fix your pain.
I wish I could help.
I wish I could make it better.

But really, what can anyone do in the face of someone else's pain?
Listen.
Be there.

Pray.
...God, comfort.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard night missing her. I wish I could make it easier for you. If I was there I would give you a big hug and we could go for ice cream and watch a movie. :0) But being far away, I will pray for you, praying that God will comfort you and show you his presence and love. He is near, and he cares.
You are fantastic. I'm glad you had something worth missing. And thanks for telling me it was hard today. Vulnerability is good, and I'm praying for you.

Approaching the Airport

I left finding a ride to the airport until the last minute. My flight left at 7:00 AM, and it seemed like all my friends are either not morning people or are already at work by that time. Some guys at work wanted to hang out, and the plans that one of them suggested would end us up near the airport so I though I could maybe just ask them to drop me off there when we were done hanging out. I figured I would just get there super super early. But then I ran into a friend who lives near me and works with WestJet, and he was going to work at the time when I needed to be at the airport, so he offered me a ride. That was sweet of him, and he was going that way anyways, so I took him up on it. Thanks for the ride, Friend.

He didn't just give me a ride, he waited while I was ten minutes late because I'd left my phone on silent and didn't realize he was downstairs waiting for me. He brought me coffee! He carried my bag for me, and saw me right to the proper line-up. I appreciated these kindnesses.

We don't see each other much anymore, so it was neat to have an opportunity to reconnect on the drive. The convesation took an interesting turn as we merged onto the highway, though. I asked about his girlfriend, and her meeting his family. He said they really liked her, and I interjected, "What's not to like?" He agreed, and then he said, "You're like that too. Everyone would like you." Wait - - comparing me to the girlfriend, when nothing in the context called for it?! I'm not sure what to think about that. It's probably nothing; he's probably just being complimentary. I guess that's the best thing to assume.

A Talk

Justin and I tried to plan a hanging-out extravaganza with coworkers last night - but no one else came! That was alright, we had a good time, and things turned out differently than they would have if other people had been there.

First we went and played pool. I sunk the 8 ball in half the games, haha. Then we went to a late movie, thinking that other people could join us after work, but alas they did not. It was just the two of us. During the movie we spent a lot of time throwing popcorn at each other. Then he put his arm around me (to throw popcorn at me from both sides - but he left it there). Then he tried to tickle me, so I basically had to hold his hand so that I wouldn't get tickled. So we held hands for probably half the movie, his arm around my shoulder. And it was nice. But... I'm not looking for a relationship here, so with the advent of such flirty touch, I figured we'd better have a talk.

We went to Denny's. We hung out at Denny's until 4:00! (I had told him I probably wasn't sleeping that night because I had to get to the airport early.) We talked about all sorts of stuff. Eventually I brought it up: "Hey, remember how a few weeks ago I told you about Punky Mullet Guy and how I liked holding his hand but how that means 'relationship' to me, and how I figured he and I might need to have a talk? Well, although I liked holding your hand back at the movie theatre, it reminded me of that, so maybe we need to have a talk." He didn't really say anything. I continued, though I wasn't quite sure where to take it next. I remember saying that I like attention and I like touch, but I'm not thinking relationship. And he still didn't really say anything! When I anticipated having this talk tonight, I didn't think it would turn out any other way than us both saying, "Of course I don't want anything more than friendship!" He always talks about not wanting a girlfriend. But his silence was perhaps a little telling? I did ask whether the reason he tried to tickle me was so that I would have to hold his hand in self-protection, and he answered, "maybe." I didn't want to press him further into stating where he's at because it can be embarrassing to admit feelings and such, especially when I've already said I'm not interested. We soon began talking about other things, but I feel a little unsatisfied about the talk. Although I've said, "I don't want a relationship," we didn't clarify what the friendship can look like. I like his arm around me. But I wonder if it's okay to enjoy the attention if I'm not interested in the more it may represent.

In the aftermath, I find myself wondering what's so bad about a relationship, and what's so bad about a relationship with Justin. Well, he's only twenty, and that is so young, too young. And he thinks religion is fabricated, which means that much of what is important to me isn't welcome in our conversation because he sees things through different eyes. Plus, if we call it a relationship, he's probably not going to be satisfied with holding hands.

Thanksgiving

Event

I had a good Thanksgiving. It was nice to go up and see my family - I'm glad I placed my vacation at this time. We had some good conversations and fun times.

My Mom came up early and she and I went on a shopping trip to a store that we love but that hasn't been in our province until now. It was fantastic - just as good as I thought it would be. I've often said that when this store comes here I probably won't buy as much there because it won't be a novelty anymore and I won't need to stock up, but it seems that it is still a novelty to me, because I still bought a lot.

I enjoy my brother. Dave and I made up a pie song. It goes like this: Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie, pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie. And it's to the tune of Dueling Banjos. It's pretty fantastic. And it could become a dual purpose song if we changed the words to: Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi, three point one four one five nine two six!

I had a good talk with my aunt in the afternoon before the family dinner. She retroactively invited me along to events already gone by: last Easter, and summer vacation. Although the invitations aren't really useful five/two months after the fact, I was still touched to be included in the memories. To know that they want to have me around.

It's cool to see my cousin grow up. Of course, they're all growing up, but particularly the next-oldest girl, Lisa. She's 16 now, and more of an adult than a kid. She's beautiful and stylish and confident and smart, and so much cooler than I was at that age. I like her.

Patricia and I knitted together. She's 8 now, and for the last few years she's been fascinated with the projects I've been working on at family gatherings. This is the first time she's had a project of her own: she made a scarf for her Webkinz elephant Trunky. It turned out like a first project. Then she started on a blanket for Trunky, and she articulated to me that she wanted to make these things for her stuffed animal because "Trunky is super special to me. She always makes me feel safe, even though I know she's not real."

The youngest cousin, Corey, was set on beating up my brother and had a running tickle war going with me. He's only six and he's tiny for his age, so it was more amusing than successful. But out of his battle with Dave, Corey gave us the best quote of the night: "You're cracking me like an egg nut!" It was hilarious.

"Who wants to say grace," they asked as we all sat down to eat. "Michelle?" I felt really put on the spot, but I didn't see any gracious way to get out of it without putting someone else on the spot. And although I enjoyed the time with my family, I'm not prepared to actually be honest with them about how things are beneath the surface. So I said grace.

********

Thankful

Thankfulness feels obligatory when there is a holiday named after it. It feels like I ought to articulate what I'm thankful for, because it's Thanksgiving. I guess that's okay. Except I don't feel thankful, and I don't feel like I can make myself feel thankful. Thankfulness seems to be akin to wholeness to me, and since I don't have that, I can't do that...

l'action de grace
action of grace?
gracias?

I imagine it's traditionally been a harvest celebration. We're kind of removed from that these days, or at least I am. I'm a city girl who gets paid every two weeks; I don't personally depend on a good harvest, the payoff of an entire spring and summer of labour, to get me through the winter. What did they do with Thanksgiving when it was a bad harvest, when it wasn't enough? Reminds me of a Garth Brooks song (it's really more of a January song, but it's on my mind now):

Not everyone makes it. Charlie Barton and his family had too many poor harvests and lost the farm. What was Thanksgiving for them?

I guess it's about finding things to be thankful for, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Being thankful for life, and seeing bounty even in poverty.

********

Thanking

When we thank or praise God for anything, it seems that beneath the simple "thank you for..." we are actually saying two things:
1) this is good
2) this is from God
But those are both claims that I am really quite uncertain about in most situations. It is hard to recognize what is truly good, and I don't think it is appropriate to say that everything is from God. For instance, I can thank God for giving me a particular friend when in reality that friend is distracting me from God and not really given by him. Maybe it's like telling someone we care about that they can help themselves to any food we have, and they come back to us and say, "Thanks so much for that bottle of poison! I really appreciate it!" And we say, "No!... That's not good! That's not what I was trying to give you!"
So oftentimes, it's not appropriate to thank God? When we start saying "thank you," what we really mean is "I like this. It pleases me." Sometimes I say that instead. And since I don't know whether a particular thing is good, I hesitate to say thank you.

Credits: Steve Howard; YouTube; Garth Brooks, "Wolves"

Ultimatum?

If I have a miserable time in Ontario, maybe I will come home and start taking antidepressants again. I've been thinking of this over the last few months. Not this timing, but this step. Live is probably meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. And people should be able to have good vacations. If this goes miserably, it's a sign to me that my emotional health should be addressed. But still, I'm second guessing myself. Things aren't that bad right now. And it's not like antidepressants worked very well for me last time. And taking means getting them, getting a prescription, going to a walk-in doctor. Really? Will I really do this?

I guess I should define what a "miserable" holiday time would look like. A feeling of purposelessness. Social paralyzation and a feeling of needing to hide from my friend. Cratering self esteem. Suicidal thoughts. This isn't what I expect - it probably won't actually be that bad. It'll probably be mediocre, so I won't have to do anything.

Five years ago I made a similar ultimatum: if I couldn't make myself happy through Happiness Month, then I would seek the help of medication. Happiness Month was a dismal failure, so went to the doctor and got a prescription. That was hard, and I felt so uncertain. This was a step I felt like I had been trying not to take for three years already, and it felt like failure at the time. I remember my second day on antidepressants, after a sleepless night, when Wayne asked me what was going on and I cried at the door. Eventually I switched "flavors," and I didn't feel like they were making very much of a difference. I was on them for about a year, and then I decided to come off of them since my benefits were changing and I didn't feel like I had the money - plus they didn't seem to be working anyway. But I noticed when I stopped taking them that I became more aware that I wasn't okay: whereas before when people asked how I was I could easily say, "I'm fine! How are you," I now felt uncertain and unable to so easily focus on the other person. Plus, I came off a little too fast and everything was pretty spinney for a week or so!

What do I expect from antidepressants? A little help, I guess. I don't expect a magic happy solution. I guess I hope for a reduction in the social anxiety. The emotional energy to care about people well. A sense of a crack in the wall I see between me and God.

I guess we'll see what happens!

Lock Woes

Unfortunate things always seem to happen to me on the Thanksgiving weekend that interrupt my efforts to leave town and see my family.

Last year my car wouldn't hold coolant. When it overheated again the day after I refilled it I figured I couldn't trust it to a six hour trip, and I called my Dad to tell him I wasn't coming (at the last minute). I was sad to have to do that because I think Thanksgiving is the time for family, not the time to be stuck at home alone. But then my Dad came to see me, so that was kinda cool. But it left me cooking a Thanksgiving dinner. We had chicken.

This year the problem was that my door wouldn't lock. I went to leave the house this morning and my key wouldn't turn in the lock. Neither would the spare key. Not even after WD-40. Eventually me an the hardware store got it figured out, but it made me late for breakfast and set my travelling plans back about two and a half hours.

When I discovered the problem, I called those in charge of my apartment complex. There was no answer at the office number, which didn't surprise me, so I called the emergency number. Although this wasn't exactly an emergency, I needed it fixed right away so I could leave! But the emergency number only yielded a busy signal - for three hours! And that really frustrated me. One reason why I rent instead of buying a place is that I am no good at these kind of things, and I don't want to have to be responsible for them. At the same time, though, I do try to be low maintenance. I've never called them before. And not getting through tells me to never call again. And what if I had actually had an emergency - something that was causing more damage the longer it continued, like a pipe breaking or the dishwasher flooding or something? What if I couldn't take care of it myself?

Remembered

When I went to the choir concert last week, I put a cheque in the offering plate. Today I got a tax receipt in the mail, along with a letter of thanks. That was nice - but what was really awesome was the personal note the school's president wrote on the bottom:

Michelle,
Thank you so much for your gift. We miss you around here - but wish God's blessings on you as you chase His future!!
Kerry

I was really touched - that he took the time to read the names, remember the people they stand for, and write a greeting. It made me feel special.

Not Mine

I really struggle with not accepting things that are not meant for me.

A classic example from three-ish years ago: "Mind your own goddamn business." My manager said this at me one day at work when I inquired about someone else's break. This person had asked me to check on it, and I guess the manager meant to direct her comment towards the person who wanted their break. But she didn't specify that, she spoke in the second person, and I was the one standing there. I turned abruptly and headed to the bathroom to cry. She followed me to apologize, to clarify. It hardly mattered. I sobbed, even before I reached the safety of a stall, and prayed, "What do I do with this? How do I not accept what was not even intended for me?"

A recent example from this week: "Sorry, this user does not list you as a friend, and they've set the 'friends only' option for who can reply to their journal." This was the error message I received when I tried to post a comment on a friend's blog. I feel like it says, "You are not friends," which is unfortunately tempting to believe since we are in what I guess is a "growing pains" phase of the friendship. But I know that's not what she wants to convey. Her blog is private so no one reads it (so being offered a post was a great honor), so no one comments, so no one is listed as an approved friend. And error messages from the internet aren't really personal missives. But...

How do I take what was personally meant, instead of what was said impersonally?

Non-Church and Double Feature

The alarm rang this morning and I did not want to get up. So I didn't. I didn't call Nick and he didn't call me and we didn't go to church.

I woke up around the time church was starting and thought about how maybe I should have gotten up earlier and gone. And then I thought about how I could maybe still go to another church with a later service, but I decided against it. Instead I stayed home and tried to do some laundry, shaved my legs, made cookies, and did some writing. I planned to get all sorts of stuff done, but the day kinda escaped without me.

Tonight was busy though. I went to a concert for the choir I'd been in for the last three years. It was weird sitting in the audience instead of being on the risers. It's more fun to be up there. Seeing all these people again made me remember the good times of being in choir. But I also remembered the hard times. I don't think I'd say I miss it. But I still feel a little like I'm part of the group, like this is still my thing. Instead of singing second soprano, my role is now to support them by going and listening.

It was cool to be back among the school people, albeit briefly. To remember these acquaintances. To continue to exist for them. To get walk-by hugs from people who couldn't resist although they saw you were in the middle of a conversation with someone else. To say and hear, "We really should get together soon!" and to hope it happens.

There was also a work party happening tonight. I went after the concert and the mingling, only to find the last two people leaving. But that was okay because Justin and I had made plans to play pool there, so I called him up and he came down and we had a good time. When we finished and left we stood in the parking lot briefly and then he suggested going for coffee, so we went to Denny's and spent a couple hours there. It was nothing outstanding, it was just really cool to be able to do that, to be able to find that much to talk about. I enjoy this friendship with Justin.

Metaphor

We use mostly metaphors as we talk about God. We say he is our rock, our father, etc. But he's neither sedimentary nor igneous; he has in no way slept with our mothers (unless we are Mormons). These comparisons say something about God and our relationship with him, but the picture falls short. Not every detail fits. When we use a metaphor, we don't mean everything that we are saying.

It is difficult to discuss God without using metaphor, however. Our language and our conceptual capacity aren't quite big enough to do justice to the spiritual world. So we are left with esoteric jargon, and comparisons.

So most of the time it's a metaphor. But not always. Sometimes I'm not sure which category a term fits into, though. Like "relationship." Is that what it actually is, or is that a picture of what it is? Do we have a real, actual relationship with God, or is the interaction like a relationship?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Assuming that we can say we actually have a relationship with God, and assuming that our deepest relationships will resemble each other, marriage becomes a picture of spirituality. Our relationship with a spouse parallels our relationship with God, and vice versa. Both have to do with our hearts and passions, love and promises, commitment and forever. (Baptism feels like a wedding ceremony to me. Making the promise of for real and forever.)

I am not confident about my ability to promise forever to another person. But I feel that sticking with God and staying in this relationship even when things do not feel ideal is practice for other relationships and reinforces my character in a positive direction. It's about whether I keep my promises when I feel unfulfilled.

It's definitely important in a relationship to be discerning, keep your eyes open, have clear boundaries regarding how you deserve to be treated, and assess whether the relationship is good enough to continue. But after thorough assessment, there comes a time when the evaluation period is over and you enter into a commitment (such as marriage). Here you sacrifice your rights for love of the other. Ultimatums like If you don't treat me well enough, I'll leave turn into assertions like I want to be with you and build a life with you, whatever that means. Laying down your life...