Thanks Mom!
Thanks Dad!
Thanks Friends!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Miserable Day
Today was a miserable day. Maybe that's because...
- I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so I was tired.
- Work was super busy and I had a hard time keeping up, especially when problems arose that took extra time.
- My lunch break was super super late - over six hours from when I started - so I was hungry.
- I have a friendship that is being threatened, in wisdom. Is it the best thing for us to be friends, or is it better to let it go? Neither of us would really want that, but there's a third party that throws a wrench into things.
- I had a tense encounter with a manager and although I understood where she was coming from and didn't blame her, I couldn't help it when tears came out in my voice.
- My manager came to me to have a little debrief on the situation with the other manager. He was sympathetic when I explained to him that I was having a bad day, and he offered me whatever I needed - extra breaks, going home early, etc. He said he loves and respects me (kinda strange...) and he appreciates how I have balanced work with school, and still invested into work. That conversation also almost made me cry.
As a result...
- I was on the verge of tears all day, and I cried all the way home.
- There were mistakes in my work that I couldn't fix.
- I was blatantly unsympathetic to another guy who got a late break.
- I made a flirty comment to a coworker that I think I regret.
- I left without wishing hardly anyone Merry Christmas.
- At the end of the day my head hurts.
- I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so I was tired.
- Work was super busy and I had a hard time keeping up, especially when problems arose that took extra time.
- My lunch break was super super late - over six hours from when I started - so I was hungry.
- I have a friendship that is being threatened, in wisdom. Is it the best thing for us to be friends, or is it better to let it go? Neither of us would really want that, but there's a third party that throws a wrench into things.
- I had a tense encounter with a manager and although I understood where she was coming from and didn't blame her, I couldn't help it when tears came out in my voice.
- My manager came to me to have a little debrief on the situation with the other manager. He was sympathetic when I explained to him that I was having a bad day, and he offered me whatever I needed - extra breaks, going home early, etc. He said he loves and respects me (kinda strange...) and he appreciates how I have balanced work with school, and still invested into work. That conversation also almost made me cry.
As a result...
- I was on the verge of tears all day, and I cried all the way home.
- There were mistakes in my work that I couldn't fix.
- I was blatantly unsympathetic to another guy who got a late break.
- I made a flirty comment to a coworker that I think I regret.
- I left without wishing hardly anyone Merry Christmas.
- At the end of the day my head hurts.
Dancing
Tonight was our work Christmas party. There was a fancy dinner, and then there was a dance. I'm glad I went.
I haven't been to a work Christmas party in... four years. Ever since the first time I transferred. Since then, for the most part I've felt like I haven't really had friends at work and I didn't really want to go and feel lonely, and I've had other things conflict with the time. But this year I feel better about my work community, and I also feel like I need to invest in my work community 'cause that will be the main setting for my life when I'm finished school.
I'm a nostalgic person. I've noticed lately that anniversaries mean a lot to me and I remember things when I am faced with similar situations. The first time I really danced was at my first Christmas party, six years ago. Nathan was my date, and we sat with Inid, and her and I danced the night away and had a blast, and Brad dipped me and dropped me. I got many compliments, and I believed them, and that's kinda when I discovered that I can hold my own on the dance floor. That was a big thing for me, and a piece of who I have become. The next year I was all excited about the Christmas party, but that one turned out to be disappointing. I cried on Brad and Dan's shoulders, and then later drove home telling myself "I can't cry hysterically when I'm driving Inid's car." (Mine was stolen. The one I borrowed wouldn't start. She was an amazing friend to lend me hers.)
This year the party started before I got off work, so 6:30 found Nadia and I in the public washroom at work changing and putting on makeup, and that felt shallow but fun. We went to the party together and sat together at the meat dep't table, and I enjoyed her company a lot. When Katie came she joined us too, and that was great. We had fun conversations about the good-looking boys at work and the unfortunate nicknames people deserve. (Yeah Brandon Seventeen; sorry, Michele Eighties-Hair.)
The dancing began, and I was eager. I had a lot of fun at the beginning. But after a while I started to feel sad. A couple of my friends had left, which gave me the opportunity to worry about them. I started to feel needy, and I wanted attention. And I found that in this place, I forgot how to dance. Really - I forgot what I do. All I could remember was the box-step. Aah, trusty box-step.
My night got rescued. I needed attention and I needed touch, and I got those things in three doses that became the hilights of my night:
1) Steve danced with me. I think he was the first one to offer, and we danced together several times throughout the rest of the night. He was drunk and he held me close and let his hand slide down too far, and we talked religion and he made very little sense. But he's got a great smile and he gave me the most attention.
2) Patrick and I danced the country songs together. I Got Friends in Low Places. Fishin' in the Dark. I feel like he watches out for me, and although he's my definition of a jerk, I trust him.
3) Aaron and I danced something fast and fun together, where we spun around alot. He was an excellent leader, and technically it was the best dancing I had all night. It was exciting, and it looked exciting, and we had everyone's attention, and he was complimentary.
Through these people I found a better mood and the evening ended well, though with much food for thought.
So it turns out that at dances I like it better when people are coupling up, and I can't escape wanting attention from the guys. I told Katie that I feel dissatisfied at a dance unless someone pretty much falls in love with me (and she answered that Steve probably did fall in love with me - but we'll see what he remembers tomorrow). (It was so good to have Katie there as a friend I could be honest with.) But at the same time, I want it to be meaningless, something we enjoy for a few hours with no future ramifications. As I jumped between partners towards the end of the night, I felt glad that I wasn't tied down to just one person.
I wonder if I treat people like objects to fill my needs. Guys who give me attention. And not just them - one of the girls I valued so much tonight, who I really enjoyed dancing with because she has spunk and enthusiasm and because I always felt welcome near her, is someone that I do not appreciate much in daily life, and I don't think that will change much after this... If I like her at dances am I obligated to like her all the time? Or is it okay if the characteristics that are great in a party situation drive me batty the rest of the time?
It's funny how dancing together offers opportunities to be close and touch in ways that aren't really acceptable in other situations. I valued that tonight. Holding Steve's hands. Being right in each other's faces. Having no space left between Patrick and I. And then the gestures that would be acceptable, but are rare. Hugs. A hand on my back. ...Touch is important...
In general I find dancing to be spiritual. I think it can put us in touch with what lies beneath the surface, and even if it is not in a Christian atmosphere it can easily be worship. I have felt this during other times of dancing... but tonight I had a hard time lifting my thoughts and longings to God. Though I tried, I just wanted attention from people.
I wonder how we'll all treat each other tomorrow, when it's back to work, back to reality.
I haven't been to a work Christmas party in... four years. Ever since the first time I transferred. Since then, for the most part I've felt like I haven't really had friends at work and I didn't really want to go and feel lonely, and I've had other things conflict with the time. But this year I feel better about my work community, and I also feel like I need to invest in my work community 'cause that will be the main setting for my life when I'm finished school.
I'm a nostalgic person. I've noticed lately that anniversaries mean a lot to me and I remember things when I am faced with similar situations. The first time I really danced was at my first Christmas party, six years ago. Nathan was my date, and we sat with Inid, and her and I danced the night away and had a blast, and Brad dipped me and dropped me. I got many compliments, and I believed them, and that's kinda when I discovered that I can hold my own on the dance floor. That was a big thing for me, and a piece of who I have become. The next year I was all excited about the Christmas party, but that one turned out to be disappointing. I cried on Brad and Dan's shoulders, and then later drove home telling myself "I can't cry hysterically when I'm driving Inid's car." (Mine was stolen. The one I borrowed wouldn't start. She was an amazing friend to lend me hers.)
This year the party started before I got off work, so 6:30 found Nadia and I in the public washroom at work changing and putting on makeup, and that felt shallow but fun. We went to the party together and sat together at the meat dep't table, and I enjoyed her company a lot. When Katie came she joined us too, and that was great. We had fun conversations about the good-looking boys at work and the unfortunate nicknames people deserve. (Yeah Brandon Seventeen; sorry, Michele Eighties-Hair.)
The dancing began, and I was eager. I had a lot of fun at the beginning. But after a while I started to feel sad. A couple of my friends had left, which gave me the opportunity to worry about them. I started to feel needy, and I wanted attention. And I found that in this place, I forgot how to dance. Really - I forgot what I do. All I could remember was the box-step. Aah, trusty box-step.
My night got rescued. I needed attention and I needed touch, and I got those things in three doses that became the hilights of my night:
1) Steve danced with me. I think he was the first one to offer, and we danced together several times throughout the rest of the night. He was drunk and he held me close and let his hand slide down too far, and we talked religion and he made very little sense. But he's got a great smile and he gave me the most attention.
2) Patrick and I danced the country songs together. I Got Friends in Low Places. Fishin' in the Dark. I feel like he watches out for me, and although he's my definition of a jerk, I trust him.
3) Aaron and I danced something fast and fun together, where we spun around alot. He was an excellent leader, and technically it was the best dancing I had all night. It was exciting, and it looked exciting, and we had everyone's attention, and he was complimentary.
Through these people I found a better mood and the evening ended well, though with much food for thought.
So it turns out that at dances I like it better when people are coupling up, and I can't escape wanting attention from the guys. I told Katie that I feel dissatisfied at a dance unless someone pretty much falls in love with me (and she answered that Steve probably did fall in love with me - but we'll see what he remembers tomorrow). (It was so good to have Katie there as a friend I could be honest with.) But at the same time, I want it to be meaningless, something we enjoy for a few hours with no future ramifications. As I jumped between partners towards the end of the night, I felt glad that I wasn't tied down to just one person.
I wonder if I treat people like objects to fill my needs. Guys who give me attention. And not just them - one of the girls I valued so much tonight, who I really enjoyed dancing with because she has spunk and enthusiasm and because I always felt welcome near her, is someone that I do not appreciate much in daily life, and I don't think that will change much after this... If I like her at dances am I obligated to like her all the time? Or is it okay if the characteristics that are great in a party situation drive me batty the rest of the time?
It's funny how dancing together offers opportunities to be close and touch in ways that aren't really acceptable in other situations. I valued that tonight. Holding Steve's hands. Being right in each other's faces. Having no space left between Patrick and I. And then the gestures that would be acceptable, but are rare. Hugs. A hand on my back. ...Touch is important...
In general I find dancing to be spiritual. I think it can put us in touch with what lies beneath the surface, and even if it is not in a Christian atmosphere it can easily be worship. I have felt this during other times of dancing... but tonight I had a hard time lifting my thoughts and longings to God. Though I tried, I just wanted attention from people.
I wonder how we'll all treat each other tomorrow, when it's back to work, back to reality.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Allergies
If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. But Violet, Klaus and Sunny all knew that this was an emergency...
~A Series of Unfortunate Events #3, The Wide Window, by Lemony Snicket
That was so funny when I read it that I burst out in laughter. (What's going on? Well, these three siblings purposefully eat something they know they're allergic to in order to cause an allergic reaction that can serve as their excuse to get some time alone to figure out and thwart Count Olaf's evil plan.)
Growing up I was never allergic to anything, but I have developed some allergies as an adult. I'm now allergic to cats (I caught that allergy from an ex-boyfriend). I think I'm allergic to water because I feel terrible whenever I drink more than usual. And I'm allergic to church.
Church makes me feel miserable. For the past year or two my attendance there has been rare and sporadic. It's hard to find a church when you move to a new city, I don't know what is fair to expect, and I feel like school provides me with everything that I would need from a church. But I know that I will need church when I am no longer in school, so I am trying to make an effort to find a church home even though the endeavor is difficult.
I tried again today. I went to bed last night saying, "I want to go to church tomorrow I want to go to church tomorrow I want to go to church tomorrow," hoping I would actually get up in the morning and go, and it worked. I was late but I was there and I was hopeful. But by the time I left I felt awful. I just wanted to go to back to bed, or not eat, or not exist. I remember feeling so weighed down and saying, "I am so tired of this." And those feelings lasted for the rest of the day.
I've been trying to dissect this reaction, and I'm not exactly sure what always causes it. Nothing was even all that awful about church; nothing they said or did warrants such negative feelings. Plus, most of my experiences with churches end up this way - it's not just one encounter with one church. I know the problem lies in me, not in them.
I think part of the difficulty for me is that when I approach God in a worship setting, I have to do so in authenticity. I can't pretend things are okay when they are not. And under the surface things are a lot less okay than I usually portray - or even notice. ...Authenticity... When I say that in worship I have to be authentic I feel like I'm implying that the rest of the time I don't live authentically, but that's not what I mean. It's just different. In daily life I acknowledge that not all is well with me, but then I can move beyond that and be cheery anyway. But when I stand before God, I can't ignore the angst within. Churches also make a lot of outlandish claims... well, Christianity makes a lot of outlandish claims, and when I am presented with these at church it makes me aware of my shortcomings (or God's shortcomings towards me) and my doubts - a painful experience.
Next Sunday morning I have to work so I can't go to church, and I'm glad. I'm not sure when I'll be motivated to try again, and at what point I can give up and say it's just not healthy to put myself in situations that always make me miserable.
God, what do you want of me here?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Useless
Sometimes I have days when I'm just useless. When I don't seem to do anything... can't seem to do anything? They're days with no structure, when there's no place I have to be but all sorts of things I could (and should, but don't) do. Some people would consider it relaxing, but I don't function well in these situations.
This was one of those days. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day, not putting real pants on until 8:00 PM. My big accomplisments were eating cereal and buying tomato sauce. I failed at putting Christmas lights on the balcony and getting my car to the shop. Every decision was impossible to make. My indecisiveness made me procrastinate until it was too late for some things that would have been good to do. Nothing seemed like it mattered enough to put even minimal effort into. The littlest things gave me that shaking, "I could cry" feeling. My Christmas decorations feel oppressive. Not so healthy.
I tried to think of things that would make it better. Plans for tomorrow, so it's not a repeat of today (check!). Coffee with someone tonight (but all my friends are busy with exams right now). I put on some music (but my CD player keeps cutting out, so I don't hear much of it) and made some supper. Soon I'll go to bed and maybe try to write some Christmas cards.
God, what do you say into this day?
This was one of those days. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day, not putting real pants on until 8:00 PM. My big accomplisments were eating cereal and buying tomato sauce. I failed at putting Christmas lights on the balcony and getting my car to the shop. Every decision was impossible to make. My indecisiveness made me procrastinate until it was too late for some things that would have been good to do. Nothing seemed like it mattered enough to put even minimal effort into. The littlest things gave me that shaking, "I could cry" feeling. My Christmas decorations feel oppressive. Not so healthy.
I tried to think of things that would make it better. Plans for tomorrow, so it's not a repeat of today (check!). Coffee with someone tonight (but all my friends are busy with exams right now). I put on some music (but my CD player keeps cutting out, so I don't hear much of it) and made some supper. Soon I'll go to bed and maybe try to write some Christmas cards.
God, what do you say into this day?
Dear Sis
One day last week when I had a bad day, I laid down on the floor in my living room and put my feet up on the couch. I like that position; it seems to calm anxiety. And while I was laying there I remembered that that is what you and I used to do. At your house at Christmas with egg nog and white chocolate. At my house in the winter before you left on an adventure. Laying with our feet up on the couch and talking. I'd forgotten about that. And I missed you.
It's been years now. That's my fault; I cut the communication off. I didn't respond to the messages or emails you left me, telling me you were home. I couldn't. I'm so sorry if that hurt you. I'm not mad at you... I just can't be in touch right now. I don't know how to have old friends, and you're not the only one I've had to lose touch with. It's just that I'm not the same person I was back then. I'm not comfortable with that, and therefore I can't be sure that I can trust you with who I am now.
I'll come back. I just can't yet. For now I'll just miss you and remember who we were.
It's been years now. That's my fault; I cut the communication off. I didn't respond to the messages or emails you left me, telling me you were home. I couldn't. I'm so sorry if that hurt you. I'm not mad at you... I just can't be in touch right now. I don't know how to have old friends, and you're not the only one I've had to lose touch with. It's just that I'm not the same person I was back then. I'm not comfortable with that, and therefore I can't be sure that I can trust you with who I am now.
I'll come back. I just can't yet. For now I'll just miss you and remember who we were.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Decking the Halls
Today I put up Christmas decorations! So my apartment is all festive and Christmassy. For the past few years I haven't even bothered decorating for Christmas. I'd almost forgotten what Christmas things I owned. I'm glad I did it this year though. I think not having time, energy, or heart to decorate for Christmas is an indication of unhealthiness.
My Christmas tree is three feet tall. I've never noticed before how miniature it really is - it has always suited me fine. But this year it seems really tiny. It doesn't seem to match the other decorations I've accumulated. ...Maybe I'm growing up, coming to the full-sized-Christmas-tree point of life. (But I'm still just going to hang on to my mini tree for a while longer, even though I can now see how small it is. It still does what it needs to - it still announces Christmas.)
Thanks Friend for coming over to help me decorate. I enjoyed your company.
Jesus, as my home attests to the season, may my heart do the same. May my heart recognize your Advent. As you were born into our world long ago, may you be born into my heart anew this Christmas.
My Christmas tree is three feet tall. I've never noticed before how miniature it really is - it has always suited me fine. But this year it seems really tiny. It doesn't seem to match the other decorations I've accumulated. ...Maybe I'm growing up, coming to the full-sized-Christmas-tree point of life. (But I'm still just going to hang on to my mini tree for a while longer, even though I can now see how small it is. It still does what it needs to - it still announces Christmas.)
Thanks Friend for coming over to help me decorate. I enjoyed your company.
Jesus, as my home attests to the season, may my heart do the same. May my heart recognize your Advent. As you were born into our world long ago, may you be born into my heart anew this Christmas.
come, lord jesus, be born in me
that I may be reborn in thee
i'll make a place for you to dwell
come into my heart, emmanuel
Friday, December 7, 2007
Fragility is not an insult.Alleluia
so sing from the heart where his mystery lies
sing for the life that he gave
sing from the mind he has filled with his own
sing from the soul he has saved!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Living Alone
I was thinking today that I really should take advantage of the free vaccination that the city is offering to young adults right now. 'Cause I live alone, and if I get sick there's no one to take care of me. (Haha, and then I found out that I was probably exposed to the measles yesterday. I'm hoping that vaccine is more effective than the one they're redoing right now!) In this context, I found myself realizing that I am the most alone person I know. Almost everyone else I could think of has either a roommate or family who would take care of them if they got really sick, but I don't. I mentioned this to a friend tonight, and he said he thinks I have friends who would come take care of me if I needed it, and maybe he's right, but it was still kind of an unsettling thought. I am the most alone person I know.
Not that I don't like living alone. I like it so much. But this is one context where it is lacking.
Community. Really being in each other's lives. Being there to meet each other's needs. ...
Not that I don't like living alone. I like it so much. But this is one context where it is lacking.
Community. Really being in each other's lives. Being there to meet each other's needs. ...
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