Ultimatum?

If I have a miserable time in Ontario, maybe I will come home and start taking antidepressants again. I've been thinking of this over the last few months. Not this timing, but this step. Live is probably meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. And people should be able to have good vacations. If this goes miserably, it's a sign to me that my emotional health should be addressed. But still, I'm second guessing myself. Things aren't that bad right now. And it's not like antidepressants worked very well for me last time. And taking means getting them, getting a prescription, going to a walk-in doctor. Really? Will I really do this?

I guess I should define what a "miserable" holiday time would look like. A feeling of purposelessness. Social paralyzation and a feeling of needing to hide from my friend. Cratering self esteem. Suicidal thoughts. This isn't what I expect - it probably won't actually be that bad. It'll probably be mediocre, so I won't have to do anything.

Five years ago I made a similar ultimatum: if I couldn't make myself happy through Happiness Month, then I would seek the help of medication. Happiness Month was a dismal failure, so went to the doctor and got a prescription. That was hard, and I felt so uncertain. This was a step I felt like I had been trying not to take for three years already, and it felt like failure at the time. I remember my second day on antidepressants, after a sleepless night, when Wayne asked me what was going on and I cried at the door. Eventually I switched "flavors," and I didn't feel like they were making very much of a difference. I was on them for about a year, and then I decided to come off of them since my benefits were changing and I didn't feel like I had the money - plus they didn't seem to be working anyway. But I noticed when I stopped taking them that I became more aware that I wasn't okay: whereas before when people asked how I was I could easily say, "I'm fine! How are you," I now felt uncertain and unable to so easily focus on the other person. Plus, I came off a little too fast and everything was pretty spinney for a week or so!

What do I expect from antidepressants? A little help, I guess. I don't expect a magic happy solution. I guess I hope for a reduction in the social anxiety. The emotional energy to care about people well. A sense of a crack in the wall I see between me and God.

I guess we'll see what happens!