An Update

In the bit of time that I got to spend with Dad, he told me more about what's going on with Karen. He says that he was happy with how things had been going (even though I always heard from Karen that he was unhappy and frustrated), and he wants to spend his life with Karen. She wants to remain married, but live in separate houses. He feels like this arrangement will just mean a lifetime of loneliness for him.

Dad is so hurt that she chose to do this while he was away. And it turns out that she hasn't actually left yet - she moved her things out (and took many things that were originally his too), but she (and her clothes) stayed. Presumably she's waiting until she gets a place of her own to move to, but Dad says that things around their place are the same as they always have been, except for the missing possessions and discussions of dividing the money. She greets him with a kiss everyday when she gets home from work. She even met him at the airport with a hug and a kiss, like nothing happened.

Can she have all she wants? Was he really as happy as he thinks he was? What is the best here?

Christmas Begins

We just finished our choir Christmas concerts. They were a lot of fun. It felt good that they went really well. I had a few moments of being very aware that this was the last time I'd do this (sing in a concert for Christmas).

Dad came. He's never heard us sing before. But he was going to visit Oma, and when I invited him he planned his trip so he could stop and see my concert on the way. I enjoyed that so much. He said he enjoyed it too. We unfortunately didn't get a lot of time together because I was so busy with concert stuff, but I skipped prayer to spend half an hour with him, I sat with him through intermission, and I walked him out. I liked that bit of time together.

Some new friends came to the concert too. That was fun. But unfortunately I didn't end up getting to talk with them much because Dad was my priority, and when I looked for them after he left they were already gone.

December. Snow. Christmas concerts over. Next comes setting up the tree. Thus begins Christmas.

Games Night

Tonight some friends of mine had a games night and brought together a varied group of their friends. There were only a couple of people there that I really knew, and then some more that I had met a few weeks ago at that wedding I went to. It was a good time, and it was really fun to be around people who are friendly even though there are not my friends. I got hugs when I left. That really meant a lot to me.

I also got a phone number. Matt's. He's the guy I played Blitz beside, and when he left he said that he'd really like to see me again sometime and suggested we exchange numbers. I'm not really sure how to say no to that, so I said okay. Then I smoothly mentioned that although I'd like to be friends, I'm not looking for a relationship, just to make sure we weren't on different pages. He agreed. Now I look forward to this, and I hope we really do hang out sometimes and become friends. That sounds like fun.

At that wedding I got a phone number too. Andrew's. I don't feel quite so good about that one. It started with a friend of mine liking a friend of his, so I tried to help that along. Dancing with this guy seemed like a good idea. As we chatted he mentioned he was going to have a housewarming party and asked if I'd like to come. I said sure, if my friend could come too, so he gave me his phone number. Then afterwards a friend of his commented to me that it looked like he and I really hit it off... But... I don't think I ever expected myself to follow up on this. I wasn't actually very interested in him. And I feel manipulative as a result. And I wonder if this group of people just thinks I'm a really big flirt, especially after giving my attention to a new guy tonight.

How do you tell someone you're not interested without insulting or shaming them by doing so? Even though that's a minefield, it's no kinder to pretend you are interested when you're not...

The thing is, I think I'd like to get to know this group of people better. I think I'd like to be accepted in this group. And I think this could possibly be a community that could draw me back to church, into their church. I'm not utterly enamored with their church, but when I visited once the experience wasn't too bad, and there were some things I really respected. I don't know how to find community in a new church, so it would be really nice to go to a church where I already saw the potential for welcoming community. Or maybe that's an awful reason to choose a church... But I should probably run with any reason that convinces me to choose a church.

Sidenote: It was nice to be at work today and then with people tonight to distract me from the sad things happening in my family. I feel healthier as a result. (This week I just felt awful.)

Email from Dad

Hi Michelle

It is Wednesday and I have been here in Cuba for almost a week now, I go home tomorrow. It has been really nice to visit with my friend in Cuba. I am staying at a hotel very close to where he lives so it has been handy too. I have sat in the sun on the beach a bit, visited with this friend a lot, went to Havana for a day........

I have some trouble though....... I had been sending Karen email all week long, and she had not been responding. She did send me email last night though, and since I have been gone she has MOVED ALL OF HER THINGS OUT OF THE HOUSE and LEFT. I don't have many details, she says she still loves me and wants to be part of my life. I will find out where the road leads when I get home I guess huh.....

Keep me in your prayers OK

Love
Dad

It makes me so sad to glimpse his take on this. I read shock here. Unexpectedness. Incredulity. From his perspective, it's pretty bad - his wife left him while he was on vacation, and told him in an email. If I was him, I wouldn't want to come home from Cuba.

Keep me in your prayers... He's not one to say that, not being a religious person. That just indicates much sadness to me.

******

I'm glad that my brother graduated before this happened. My Dad doesn't deal well with ex-es. He skipped my grad because he couldn't stand being near my Mom. (I was actually glad about that because I feared how stressful the situation could be if he was there.) When my brother graduated from high school, Dad insisted on sitting at a different table than my Mom, and he wouldn't even look at her when she came over to say hi. Now my next grad is approaching, and I have to figure out who to invite and how to be diplomatic when there may be three warring parties. I don't need my Dad to have another ex-wife.

On the phone with Mom

"Well, Michelle, I really need to go to bed because I need to work in the morning so I need to be up at 6:00. I just wanted to return your call, but now I need to hang up and go to bed."

You say that like it's my fault... Like you'd been trying and trying to end the conversation and I just kept hanging on. And I know we often do that (the best part of the conversation generally comes after we start to say goodbye), but this time that wasn't the case; this was your first attempt to say goodbye. The words are fine and I definately understand that you need to go to bed, but the firm and patronizing tone of voice really hurt. Have I trained you to be harsh with me? Did you hear that my goodbye and wishes for your pleasant sleep came through tears?

And I'm losing my Stepmom. The shock is ten months faded, but the finality seems to be coming now. I guess they're just making it worse by staying together, and one of them is headed for a breakdown if they keep trying. My Dad went on a holiday to Cuba, and my brother came home from visiting an out of town friend to the task of moving Karen out. ...Why can't we just love each other and be happy with Jesus?

So maybe your tone of voice wasn't that bad... Maybe I'm overly sensitive and that was just enough to push me over the edge.

Karen, I don't know how to keep in touch with you and keep loving you when you aren't my stepmom anymore. I'm afraid that I won't have the energy and that we might not have strong enough ties... I think you told me that I will always be your stepdaughter... but can we really make that last?

Jesus, be near to them. For me, although it's a painful loss, this is just a peripheral piece of my world, but for her, for them, it is everything.

Punctuation

There are some punctuation questions that I just can't find answers to. Here's the one I remember right now: DOES PUNCTUATION GO INSIDE OR OUTSIDE OF QUOTATION MARKS?

Sometimes it's easy, like when someone's talking. "I'm going to the store," she said. Comma definately inside the quotation mark.

But then there's other cases, such as when I put quotation marks around the word for some sort of emphasis or to mark it as some sort of jargon. He's with his "girlfriend". ?

What about when the quotation marks mark a title? Like, Have you read the poem "The Chimneysweep"? Surely not: Have you read the poem "The Chimneysweep?" No, actually, they both look dumb.

And the grammar books don't seem to address this matter! Whatever will I do? However will I know? Bah!

Dating?

Today's conversation:
her: So, I feel awkward asking this... but... are you dating that guy from the meat department?
me: No, we're just friends.
her: Oh okay, it's just that I always see you guys talking.
me: I really enjoy our friendship, but I'm not looking for a relationship at all. Still, I can't help but wonder how much we can hang out before we're basically just dating...

It's that age old When Harry Met Sally question: Can men and women really just be friends, or does the pull towards a relationship always get in the way?

And what does dating even mean? Time spent together regularly? A DTR talk where you agree to the titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"? Plans of marriage and a future together?
My Mom says if you're not kissing, you're probably not dating. Okay.

It's a confusing world.

Visit

My brother came over for dinner tonight. He was passing through town, and he stopped in to hang out and eat with me. I cooked stroganoff, and he liked it. :0) As he left, I thanked him for coming and said, "I like cooking for you," and he replied, "I like it when you cook for me too!" It was a nice exchange.

Wedding

I really missed you tonight, Jeff. I know I only knew you for one night, but this night reminded me of that one, I'm wearing the same dress, and I missed the attention I got from you. I missed dancing together apart from the crowd so much - exclusivity - for fast songs as well as slow ones. Fast dances where although we weren't touching, we were in each other's space. How I got closer and closer with every slow dance. How they commented that we were "falling in love over here". Tonight I got a little bit of attention, but nothing as consistent as what you gave me. I missed you.

You told me you'd call, even though I didn't give you my number. I knew you could get ahold of it. They told me that in the aftermath although you were very interested in me, you ended up getting back together with your ex. It's probably better that way; I understand that. I'm not actually looking for a relationship. And just your attention for one night sent me on a bit of a moral downswing... I'd hate to see what further contact would do. But still, on nights of dancing at weddings, I miss having an admirer.

I hope you are happy with her. To that end, I hope you don't think about me. But I still think about you.

******

Are weddings always a meat market? Is it okay to want that attention from the opposite sex? Do us singles always go with attraction in mind, wondering who's already taken and who's fair game? I don't think I like this, even though I see it in myself as much as in everyone else. I found myself thinking that it would be helpful to clearly lay out just how available everyone is, so you wouldn't make anyone angry by accidentally dancing with her boyfriend, and so you wouldn't have to have the awkward conversation that expresses more interest than curiosity. But then I realized that that would make it even more of a matchmaking scene... So I guess it's best to just hope you're interpreting the clues correctly.

As much as I don't like the mindset of singles at weddings, I have to admit that it's fun. I enjoy it so much more as a single person than I did when I had a boyfriend. And I wonder whether the married people miss that thrill.

Does anyone actually have the story: "Well, we met at a wedding..."?

******

The wedding was beautiful, and creative, and I saw elements of both the bride and groom in it. And I have so much hope for this couple - they're both really neat people, the type who have good heads on their shoulders, and I trust them not to be naive. Plus, I think I feel good about this relationship because I got to see it develop. I knew them both separately before they started building a relationship, I awkwardly said to them "Aw, you guys should be friends!" right about the time they started dating, I had a couple of relationship talks with the bride as things got more serious, and now I got invited to the wedding!

It was strange being at a wedding where I can say more about my friendship with the groom than with the bride. He's been an unexpectedly good friend to me at some important times, and thus someone I have called upon when I've needed a friend; and although her and I are also friends, that doesn't seem to be as exceptional to me. That started to worry me throughout the day... And I wonder how to place appropriate boundaries on these friendships in the future.

Farewell Larry

Today we found out that our beloved school president Larry has been asked by the board to leave his position. I guess his direction for the school conflicted with theirs, and the board members are the ones who are really in charge. And the students are left largely in the dark to mourn the loss.

I feel like this is ultimately unfair to Larry and his family. He had dreamed about this job for years. He left a secure life in BC and relocated his family here when we offered him the presidency of our school. Now merely ten months later, we're asking him to move on. Withdrawing the dream. I feel like we are an awful institution to have done this to him. They say he took the news so graciously, possibly entertaining mutual feelings about the difference in direction, and even praying blessing upon the board and the school before he left. But it makes me so sad to imagine the conversation when he got home - breaking the news to his wife, to his daughter, to their friends and family. His employment with us is already over. We didn't get to say goodbye.

I loved Larry. That feeling was common among the students. He paid attention to us and made us feel valued. He'd often be found in the lounge playing pool with the guys, and he always had a kind greeting as he passed you in the hall. He was so friendly and personable. One time last year after a weekend of choir concerts, a friend invited him to hang out at A&W with us - and he came! And he treated us! And he stayed for quite a while, and we had a fun conversation! That's when he told us that we could address him however we were comfortable, and if we wanted to call him Larry, we could call him Larry. He had been there when I spoke in chapel, and he told me that he really appreciated what I had to say. He came to our last concert last year in Lethbridge and he met my Grandma, and he came to our first concert this year and met my Mom (he was eager to - when I told him she was there he said "Will I get to meet her?"). He even offered to help me move - at work one day a month and a bit ago, his wife came through my till and asked me how I was doing and how school was going. I told her about how I was feeling busy with moving. A few minutes later Larry came up to me and asked if I needed help moving. This was after the moving was already finished, but I was so touched by his offer. I was so touched by his warmth. I often told people about how wonderful he is. We were blessed to have Larry.

As sad as this news is, and as much as I didn't expect it, neither did I find it shocking. I think I'm getting used to school-related loss. It started when Melody was laid off several years ago. That was such an upsetting shock. Then after all the stress of the potential merger, President Dirks left (although we were nervous about the resulting instability, we didn't really miss him). We lost a lot of other staff after that too. Then last year Lucas and Henric left. I cried so much when Lucas announced in chapel that he was leaving us (and not just moist eyes and a pressure in the chest, but tears streaming down my face and ragged breathing). I loved Lucas. And then Henric announced he was moving away to support his wife in her goals, and although I wasn't close to Henric, I cried for all those whose hearts were breaking, I cried when his voice broke with tears, and I cried more for the loss of Lucas. I think that surprise and finality are the two aspects that hurt the most. Today I shed some tears for the finality regarding Larry, but I've learned not to be surprised.

Farewell Larry. You have been loved and you will be missed. May God make better dreams come true.

Friends

I finished watching Friends tonight. Season 10, episode 17. Nostalgic.

I wonder if the title seemed dumb when it first came out: Friends? But it's provided the possiblity for fun comments. "I bought more Friends today!" "My Friends are in your car?" hehe.

I liked seeing Rachel grow up from a ditzy Daddy's girl who can't do laundry and can barely hold down a coffee shop job to a strong confident woman at the top of the fashion industry. Because Joey was typically so shallow, I loved the times when we got to see depth and kindness in him - like when he proposes to Phoebe (and then Rachel) when he discovers she's pregnant. I liked seeing Monica & Chandler's marriage and how they both have freedom to be themselves within the relationship. I like the episodes that a friend previewed for me. "Haven't you read Flowers for Algernon?" "Oh de feuf!"

I've been watching the Friends DVD sets over the past ten months. It's been nice to have something to come home to this year after work or school. But as I've gotten to the last few seasons and I've noticed this appreciation, I've realized that when my involvement in their lives is over I'd have to focus on my own life.

I think that for them it was all built on proximity. If they all lived far apart it would have been much different. They never phone each other to make plans for the next week - they just walk across the hall into each other's apartments, or down the street to the coffee shop where they know someone will be hanging out (and where they never get accused of loitering or asked to leave). My life's not like that. And I don't know if it could be like that. My friends are not my neighbours. I don't have common areas, and I feel awkward about dropping by and making myself at home at someone else's place. I don't really tend to make the sort of friendships where we spend all our time together. My friends come from a variety of groups, and I like time alone. As I've come to recognize that, I've come to realize that's okay. I think.

It's not real. The roommates almost never fight. Feelings rarely get hurt. Rachel's life hardly changes after she becomes a mother. They never miss things because they have to work.

Still, they're more than just friends. They're family. They spend Thanksgiving together; they attend each other's parents' anniversary parties and family funerals. They drop by for breakfast and they take each other to the hospital.

I had a conversation with a friend last night where we said that we kinda feel like our little group is family. We've made it through seven years of friendship, and as we look far into the future we see holiday visits and brother-in-law-esque relationships with each other's husbands. But... will it actually turn out that way? Already it's more of a long-distance-family feel than a daily-family kind of thing. Will we stay close and grow closer, or will we drift apart? Are we... family?

Even for them it doesn't last. Monica and Chandler move to the suburbs, changing everything. (I hope I didn't ruin that for anyone.) Friends leave. The end. Although... in real life it's not the end when friends leave - but neither is it the same, and neither is it better.

My real-life community won't be like this fictional one. But they inspire me to ask the question: Is mine enough?