Sunday experiences

I went to church this morning. My Trevor friend from work was getting baptized, and I told him I'd come. It was pretty cool to be there for this event. Only I didn't get a chance to talk to him. It felt awkward before church started and I was sure I'd see him afterwards, but at that time he was nowhere to be found. Then the next service was soon to start, so I figured I'd missed him and I left. I had sent him a text message to tell him I was there, and later he replied: "MICHELLE! I looked so hard for you and i couldn't find you. I'm so sorry! Thanks so much for coming though, I really appreciated the support!" I am glad to support him. I hope I can do that well.

Church itself was alright. It was nice to have a specific purpose for being there - that meant I didn't have to evaluate much because I was entertaining no thoughts of returning. But I came home so exhausted that I had to take a nap and I wasn't very productive for the rest of the day, and I'm not sure if that is related or not.

During the singing, although I was standing in a 'pew' surrounded by people, I felt like my soul was lying in the back corner, grieving.

Tonight we had a choir concert. One of our songs, O Sacred Head Now Wounded, is in a mournful minor key and begins with a long violin solo, and I see that as my time in the concert to close my eyes and allow my soul to wander in the barrenness the music creates. Tonight my thoughts went back to church this morning, and to cowering in the corner. And I asked, "Where is Jesus?" And he was in the center of the room celebrating with everyone else. And I was disregarded and alone.

Not that visions like this are truth. Maybe they reveal more about what I would expect than what God would offer. And I could understand it not being appropriate for Christ to leave the faithful to come and rescue one so doubtful. Except, isn't that what the shepherd of the parable did? Not that I'm claiming I should receive such grace...

Everything is so very very wrong.

Trevor concluded his testimony by saying, "And I've never been happier!" Finding God to him meant finding happiness. And I'm glad he is happy. But Trevor, your life isn't always going to be happy. Don't equate your relationship with God with the blessings that it brings, because then you will have nothing left when those blessings evaporate.