Wedding

Katie and Patrick were married on the weekend. The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was at the house Katie grew up in. Unfortunately, however, rain sprinkled on us throughout the outdoor ceremony and poured intermittently throughout the rest of the afternoon. This hampered the wedding picture plans; between the rain and time constraints, after posing on the verandah at the house we only ventured out for pictures at Starbucks (that's so Katie) and Rona (a last minute idea because they had an indoor garden center). I think the pictures could turn out pretty neat, though, and I hope Katie and Patrick are happy with them. Their wedding cake was adorable: inspired by "Up," it was the house with the balloons coming out the chimney, and the adorable old couple sitting on a bench in the front yard. Altogether it was a beautiful day.

This happy occasion made me recognize just how much of a hard time I am having at being happy. I feel like I just have no capacity for it. I stood in the ceremony, remembering what it would have felt like to be emotionally invested in the situation, to feel like I am supporting the significant moment. I conjured a glimmer of that feeling, but I mostly found myself up against a deep, sickening exhaustion.

I kept wondering why they chose me to be part of their wedding party, and fearing that I wasn't carrying my weight. What was my role as a bridesmaid? Well, I provided a location for the first part of the stagette; I was the table-guard at the bar for the second part of the stagette; I recorded the gifts Katie received at both showers, the stagette, and the gift opening; I made the signs guiding people to the ceremony; and I walked down the aisle with Ron during the recessional. And, oh yeah, I was significant in getting the couple together. Not that it was my intention to be a matchmaker, but they were both my friends first, then we all started hanging out together, and then they started dating. My feelings of not deserving the honour of standing up with them is rooted more in paranoia than reality.