Compassion

I find that I have a hard time being kind-hearted towards people when, despite their legitimate crises, their problems cause me more work. This is especially the case when the person who isn't well is my coworker. She is definitely worthy of sympathy: in the past month or so, her father has had two heart attacks, she has broken up with her fiance, and most recently, she had a miscarriage. That's all awful. And it's meant that I've had to cover her slack, and that's been hard on me. It has been difficult for me to completely get past my struggles and relate to how hard it is for her.

It's not that I can't imagine the situations that she is in; I think I can almost imagine them too clearly. The moments, the feelings, the angst - just glimpses, but it's enough. Then I feel overwhelmed by the awfulness of it all, and I distance myself from those uncomfortable feelings.

Also, in these kind of situations nothing is the right thing to say - everything could come across wrong, as too much or not enough, as too blunt or too saccharine; I just don't even know what to say. That makes me self-conscious. It's hard to properly feel compassion when I don't feel like I am able to express it.

Now, when I tell you that I resent it when people's problems cause me more work, I don't mean that I am unwilling to be there for you when you need me. It's different when I have a choice, and it feels good to help you. I know you appreciate it, and that makes it so much different than an expectation placed upon me at work.