Lucas

So as I previously mentioned, the pastor officiating Katie & Patrick's wedding used to be a close professor of mine. I went to a little school, so you really had a chance to get to know some of your profs. Lucas and I went on a mission trip to Mexico together, where he lent me a blanket. I helped out with the neighbourhood kids club he hosted with his wife. He taught me College 101, Life of Christ, Small Group Leadership, and Teaching Children. It was him I consulted about speaking in chapel about depression, and after that short query I ended up spending the rest of the lunch hour in his office, telling him about the issues going on in my family. He even offered to be a father-figure to me. And I remember how much I cried when he told us he was leaving. He was important to me.

Since then I've lost touch. Well, I still know where he works and lives, and I could probably find his phone number - but I haven't known what to say so I haven't said anything. I'm a different person now that the one he knew. She loved Jesus, and sought to be a woman of prayer and humility. I have given up - and along with giving up religion, I felt like I had to give up most of my Christian acquaintances. What would we have in common anymore?

For this reason I was apprehensive about seeing him again, apprehensive about what to say. It turned out to be okay. He accidentally called me Denise, but then told me about how he often thinks of me and appreciated how I was always so nice to him. And beyond that there wasn't much more time for conversation. We never got into the intense "how are you" that I dreaded. And everyone agreed that he was the most adorable wedding pastor ever.

He invited me to stay in touch. A part of me wants to, but a part of me still doesn't know what to say. And this situation made me realize that this guardedness defines not only renewed connections with old acquaintances, but many of my relationships - and even myself. I am too tired for/of reflection and introspection to be able to put much effort into it, and that just leaves me floating on the surface. I'm not even able to wish for more. I feel awkward talking with those who haven't seen my progression because I don't want to dwell on what lies beneath the surface, and I am not entirely comfortable with it. When I don't disillusion them, though, they are led to believe that I am the same as I was when they knew me - and that just becomes deceitful. I don't want to keep people at arm's length... except I do.