Kay

She emailed today. We haven't heard from her in a while. Part of that was our doing - much of our time together for a while was spent doing something related to our trip to Cuba, and she had declined to join us so we obviously didn't include her in the planning times. That seemed like the best thing at the time, but looking back I see how she could feel hurt by that time of silence. When we returned I invited her through emails whenever we got together for coffee, and heard no response from her. This week was the third attempt. This time she sent an explanation.

I feel that I am not really part of the group anymore. We are all in different places in life and I have felt for a while that I don't really connect with you guys anymore. You all have a connection in other areas in your life and go on vacation together and I just feel like an outsider and have for some time.

It's true. She is in a much different place in her life; she is married and has a baby. That makes it harder for us to connect, but not impossible. As for connections between the rest of us... we were in school together a year longer than she was, true. And the other two girls work together, but I don't share that connection. Vacation, yes, we went on vacation together. We not only invited her to come, but she was in on the initial suggestion of it a year before. At that point she was coming along, but when we actually started making it happen she said no for financial priority reasons. I tried to respect that, but I was disappointed. "For some time"... that didn't start with this Cuba adventure. She'd been skipping coffee times with us for a long time before that. When I wrote her a Christmas card I tried to say that I knew it was important that her family was her priority, but I felt left out of her life. That Christmas card never got to her, and then she came out for coffee once shortly after New Years. That's the last time I saw her.

It's not our fault. It's not our fault that we don't have children, or that she didn't come to Cuba with us, or that we we still went on a vacation together after she said she couldn't come along. Granted, we could have called her more, but I don't think she's ever called me, and there's only a few times over the years that she initiated plans with us.
But just because it's not our fault doesn't mean she's unjustified in how she feels. She's the one who taught me that all experience is valid. I'm sad that this is how she feels.
I think anyone can be friends. I don't think it has to be this way. It's a matter of wanting it, and of trying... and of an intangible connection factor. We used to have that. It's sad to mourn its extinguishment. But I don't know how to keep it alive, especially if she's already gone.

What to say in response... How do I say I value her? I feel like I need to let her go without guilt, but maybe instead I should fight for her friendship. But fights always have casualties; it might turn out to be more painful that way, with similar results.

Thank you for your email and your honesty. I'm so sorry this is how you feel. I will miss you (I do miss you, it's not just a future thing), and I wish you well.

Remembering... coffee times. Honesty and openness and listening and speaking truth to each other. Confession and tears. How brilliant and rational and beautiful she is. How we have matching t-shirts.
All is loss.