Eulogy

At the gravesite, the family stood around the coffin and took a moment to share our reflections of Grandpa.

"He was my protector."

"He was a good father."

"He was a good man. A genuinely good man."

I wouldn't have recognized him from their descriptions. He was none of those things to me. To me, he was... quiet. He never said anything. Reserved. I've heard interpretations suggesting he was the cause of much dysfunctionality in my family, and that's the view I have ended up adopting, especialy since my personal experiences with him offered no evidence to the contrary.

Were we all lying? Or do I just have a very limited view? I'm sure they knew him better than I did, noticing the good and forgiving the bad. But some of the things they said directly contradicted things I remember about him. My cousin's wife spoke about how he never judged and never had a negative thing to say about anyone. But some of the few things I remember my grandfather saying were in judgement, cursing the Indians. My young self was shocked to realize he was racist. Maybe he just stopped talking about anything by the time she came around, so she didn't see that in him.

My Dad was the one who said, "He was a good father." I wonder if, as he said that, he wondered if we would say the same thing about him. I wonder if we would. As for me, I feel like I've never had a protector, and that has hurt.