Friend

We went out for coffee again today. Perhaps for the last time; he is moving away. It is so much different when you are leading down from a friendship rather than leading up to one, hanging on for nostalgia's sake.

He's a friend from school who also became a friend from work. For almost a year we went out for coffee every week, and at that time his friendship was so important to me. He even asked me out a few times. I kept saying no, I just wanted to be friends. Still, despite what I said, looking back I think we were a little more than friends.

Then we both had a rough spell at the same time. He became distant and I became needy. I felt hurt when he blew me off when I needed his friendship so much, and I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to keep the friendship going. I needed to lower my expectations to the point where I wouldn't become disappointed. So the friendship kinda died out. We've hung out a few times since then, but we're no longer close like we used to be.

All I do is worry about him now. He's not in a good place, and I don't really understand, and I can't help. (And I'm not in an especially good place either.) And I feel like I can't even care very much anymore.

I am comparing how I feel about him leaving with my reaction to having to say goodbye to other coworkers, and it feels like I care more about the other ones. Granted, I work so much more closely with the other guys and I rarely see this friend at work so I won't really notice his absence much. I was more aware of being sad that they were leaving, and just feeling neutral towards his parting. But then again, I don't always know how I really feel, and today I felt pretty miserable for no other reason at all. Maybe I am more shaken by this than I realize.

We shared a hug today, and despite everything else swirling around, it was so good, and peaceful, and safe. I don't remember his hugs being that way before. I just wanted to stay there. And I don't know what to think about that.

Farewell, Friend. I wish you well. I wish you purpose and thirst for God and satisfaction.