Invitation

You found me! Welcome to my blog! I'm glad to have you here!

Although FAQ lists are pretty lame, I can't resist the temptation to put one here. Sorry! Here's what I anticipate you are wondering:

Q: Why did you decide to start a blog?
A) I love reading the blogs of my friends. I love seeing what is going on beneath the surface in their lives and hearing what they are thinking. I started to think that maybe I should return that favor to any friends who are interested in my life. Also, there are some things that I want my friends to know but are really hard to bring up, and this is another avenue for me to be known (which is hard but important). And it's good for me to keep a record of my life and thoughts, and knowing that other people are seeing them will hopefully provide motivation for me to put the effort into getting thoughts into words often.

Q: Why didn't you tell us about it sooner?
A) I wanted to make sure that I would actually keep this going before I made it public. I didn't want to get anyone excited about a doomed project. At this point I think it will last - although going back to school in a few weeks could possibly throw a wrench into my hopes to post regularly... But here's hoping!

Q: What's with the title, aMacaria Jade?
A) Most of us know about my "relationship" with the Church Father Macarius (although we haven't talked much lately... me and Macarius, not me and you). Conversations about him and our fling made me realize what a beautiful name Macaria would be for a girl. When I was trying to name my blog, I couldn't think of anything else. In Greek, makarios means blessed or happy. But... I feel neither blessed nor happy, so I stuck an a- on the front, indicating negation. Amacaria on its own seemed a little bare, so I added Jade, referring to how I feel jaded, and combining to make a name that sounds beautiful and feels true to me. aMacaria Jade.

Other comments and considerations:
- Be warned, this is where I express that I'm not as happy as I seem. You'll see glimpses of what's really under the surface. Please be okay with that.
- A lot of what goes on in my life is inspired by other people, and I am trying to decide what to do about name dropping. What I will probably do is this: if you read this or are known by people who read this, I probably won't refer to you by name. I'll call you "Friend" or something, and then I will try to let you know that it is you (unless it is really obvious and I know you'll figure it out on your own). If I'm writing about someone who has no connections to this blog, I'll probably use their names for simplicity's sake and because it won't really matter. If you want to know who I am anonymously talking about, feel free to ask and I'll probably tell you.
- Posts won't always show up in chronological order. I often stretch the writing out over several days, especially when I am having a hard time making my thoughts clear, and some take longer than others. But the posts are generally dated according to when I start them, regardless of when they actually show up on the blog. Just so you know - the newest ones won't always appear on the top. Sorry!
- It turns out that there are lots of words out I don't know how to spell. (separate? regularily?) I often use too many commas. I like to start sentences with "And" or "But".
- I would love to know who my audience is, so please, if you can, let me know if you're reading my blog!

May God watch over us, and may goodness result.

Defn: Neurosis

Neurosis: a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment. (www.dictionary.com)

Four or five years ago, a guy I worked with jokingly called me neurotic a couple of times, which prompted me to look into what it really meant. At that time the dictionary basically just defined 'neurotic' as placing an over-importance on other people's opinions. This was in contrast to 'psychotic', which meant you were really crazy.

I looked up the definitions again a few years ago, and I was unsettled to find out that they had changed. At that time neurotic pretty much meant the same as psychotic, just without the hallucinations.

I'm glad to see that tonight the definition has returned to something not too crazy, something characteristic of many people (as that friend assured me way back when), something that I wouldn't be afraid to say of myself at times. What a relief! Though I'm not sure why...

Friend

Your friend married my friend. We met at their wedding, both in the wedding party. Then we both transferred to the same store. I have to admit - I didn't remember who you were the first few times we talked, not until you mentioned our mutual friends and I had some context to remember you in (hehe, sorry!). Since then we sit together whenever we have breaks together, and I enjoy that. Thanks for being a friend to me at work. I like it that we have built this friendship. And I like it that we have moved from just being friends at work to hanging out outside of work and going for dinner and movies. I need friends. I sense you do too. I like the attention you give me. Thank you.

I like it that we have mutual friends. I wonder if we would have become friends if not for them... I like it that I can talk to her to find out who you are and what you are thinking. (And I know she talks to you about me, and vice versa.) It makes for some funny situations though - when the telephone game distorts the story (like you getting the picture that you make me uncomfortable, which isn't what I said or meant), and when she hears my news from you and before I can tell her. And when she tells me that in a recent conversation she cautioned you to make sure you don't start falling for me, and your response seemed to show that you already are. Hahaha - I laugh at all these situations.

To be honest, I had been wondering what you think of me. (Am I especially neurotic, or do all girls wonder where developing friendships with guys are actually going?) Especially because of the things the guys in your department say to me - things like you've told them your friend says we can't date because you'd corrupt me (how did that come up?) and you thought it was a loaded question when I asked about another girl in your life.

As well as telling me that you're interested in me (and offering her opinion that you and I would have the potential to be an amazing couple), our friend tells me that you won't do anything about it. If I suggested bringing the friendship to another level you'd probably be right on board, but you wouldn't bring it up yourself. Things are too complex in your life right now, and they're not going to settle down any time soon. And that's a great relief to me - to know that you aren't going to ask me out. And since the thought of a relationship with anyone makes me feel kinda ill, I'm not going to initiate a relationship-starting talk either. If anything, I've been wondering if we should have a talk that clarified that we don't want a relationship, but our friend suggests that that would just make things awkward. Perfect! I can enjoy the ego-boost of your regard and attention, without worrying about where it's leading or fearing I'm leading you on. (But are the advice and interpretations of our friend accurate?)

I agree that your life is too complex for me to want to really get involved in. You have a year-old son, and you live with his mother. I guess you're not really "together" with her, but she's pretty possessive of you. I know that even by being your friend, I am making an enemy out of her. (That's kind of hard for me. But probably harder for you...) And I'm not in the mood to take on a step-mom role. But you know, although the whole situation is one I don't want to be a big part of, it does show me your character, and I really respect you. I admire how committed you are to your son, and how your world and all your decisions revolve around him and you being near him. Especially when it comes at such a cost to you. I'm impressed.

But really, what do you think you know about me that attracts you? What do we even have in common (other than our mutual friends, and Dutch Blitz)? And there is so much you don't know about me, so much that is atypical, so much below the surface that is not okay. You don't really know me! And times when I have let the cracks show, you haven't responded in a way that pleased me. You've come across as unsympathetic and much too solution-oriented for the things that have no solutions. I've learned, probably without you really noticing, that my weakness is not safe with you. I guess that as our friendship continues to grow I will tell you sometime, because I want my friends to know me and my underlying issues are kind of foundational for the rest of my life, and I wonder how you will respond. Then we'll see if I'm attractive to you! Then you'll be saying I'm too complex to get involved with (and I agree)!

I just want to be a good thing in your life. A friend.

Thanks for your friendship to me. Thanks for the movie and food tonight. I had fun.

Only So Much

It seems that I only have enough health to fill one aspect of my life at a time. If one realm gets better, it does so at the cost of the others.

For the last month or so I have noticed that I've been not really so okay at home or on days off or any time I'm alone (and there has been too much time alone). Because of this, I have been grateful to be at work because there I'm occupied and distracted and with people.

Over the past week I have noticed myself doing better-ish in my outside-of-work life. I have had good times with friends on my days off lately, and that has helped me to feel healthier. But now I feel awful when I'm at work. It's no longer a relief to be there. I just feel so ugh and I feel like I can't live up to my job and I just want to go home.

Maybe it's just that I'm tired. Maybe it's just that I'm being evicted. Maybe it's just that in my life there's only so much health to go around, and I can either have it at home or at work because there's not enough for both. Boo.

Out

So, I got an eviction notice tonight. They want our place for another purpose, and there has been a perpetual suspicion about garbage. So sometime in the next three months, I will be moving.

It's a shock. Not in the sense that it was unfathomed, because they threatened this a year ago and everytime we hear from them I fear eviction, but a shock in the reality and finality of the situation. And although I don't think they really mean this to be personal, it is a personal insult. "Who you are, how you live, is not acceptable, and we are going to reject you."

I can see how maybe this is a good thing. I am not happy here, but I haven't been motivated to move. Well, now I've been given motivation... (Also, lately I've been really wanting to live alone, and here is my chance. I wonder if that is wise though... socially and financially.) I could live somewhere with a stove and a bathtub!! Wouldn't that be exciting! I would love to have a place that I'm proud of, a place that I could have people over to.

Sigh. I hate the work and stress and details of moving. Too bad for me.

Better

I am doing better than I was last week. Hooray!
I noticed this today when I was supposed to meet a friend, and they didn't show up, and it was okay. I was okay. I had a good book with me, so I just sat and read and drank my coffee alone, content-ish. Last week I wasn't okay alone, and it wouldn't have been okay to be stood up. My heart was full of pain. Now that pain has receded. Being back at work has done good things for me. Hooray!
Not that I'm all good and everything's okay. But the last few weeks were exceptionally crappy, and I'm glad that I'm back to mediocre.

Anticipating the Critics

I'm sure that Israel was shocked by some of the things the prophets had to say to them. I'm sure they thought the way they were living was fine in many of the instances that the prophets condemned. I'm sure they had reasons for what they did. Sometimes biblical criticism (haha, by which I mean criticism contained in the Bible) just seems so arbitrary. Sometimes proper action just seems arbitrary.

I live my life anticipating the prophets, the critics. I wonder what they could say about the things that I do. And you know, I just about always find something.

Examples?

- I'm currently writing an email to a friend where I'm talking about some small things going on in my life. I know it could be said that I should be focusing more on her and maybe us than me, and that my discussion of my own life is selfish. But - I don't know what to ask, I know she's interested in what's going on for me, and a news-y email can be more valuable to receive than a dry list of questions.

- Another? We're heading into a new school year and expecting new people in our major. I hope to take these guys out for coffee for a chance to get to know them better. A nice gesture, right? But one of the ones that we expect to join our group has been around the school for several years already, and I haven't made much of an effort to build a friendship with him before. If I try to build a friendship now, the prophets could accuse me of not caring about people unless they are in my particular group.

- I work with a lady who has a daughter my age, and I know her daugher. Through conversations on break I know that my coworker has some small but valid concerns about a relationship her daughter is in. Although I know this, I wouldn't express anything less than positive to the girl myself. Dupliciousness on my part? Acting as if I agree with whoever I'm talking to? Or respecting the confidentiality of my coworker's opinions in a situation where I don't need to be involved?

Maybe I'm wrong about the prophets. Although I've suspected this for a long time and I remember feeling this way and talking about it three or four years ago, a lot has changed since then, including me. Maybe now as I read through the prophets I would notice the objective reasons for their denunciations.

Part of the answer must lie in one's motives. Unfortunately, I can never be sure I am accurately discerning my own motives. And it's been hard that in many circumstances I have been accused of the wrong action for bad motives when all I intended was to do good.

Back to Life

I returned to work today, after my long vacation. It was really nice.

Social Woes

I'm not really sure what to say. Or what words to use...
Hence the "notes" on the side there. Brainstorming for appropriate vocabulary.

So, my experience of community is not okay.

I had seventeen days off work. I spent eight of those days out of town, leaving nine days when I was here at home. Free. Unoccupied. Bored. To tears.

I only saw people on two of those nine days (my birthday and the day before). The rest of the time I sat at home, sad and lonely.

A friend called me the night before my birthday, asking if I wanted to go out for supper with her. She wanted to have ribs, didn't want to eat out alone, and thought of me. And that meant the world. I was so excited to see my caller id say her name, so excited about her invitation, so excited to have someone to hang out with. I found myself thinking things like "This is the best thing that has happened to me all week! And she is my best friend this week!" As I articulated this to another friend the next day she commented on the fickleness of my use of the term best friend, and I pointed out that this was the only person all week who had called me unsolicited. Friend, I know I've tried to say this already, but thank you for dinner together. Thank you for thinking of me. It meant so much.

It kinda hurt that I wasn't able to spend more time with my friends when I had so much free time and when spending so much time alone was painful. But much of it is my own fault - - ish. I was not well this week, and I was pretty unable to make plans for any time in the future. As a result, my efforts to get in touch with people could have been better... (but also could have been worse!). Also, I only felt able to try to reach out to my core friends. I knew that in theory I had many periphery friends, or not-yet-friends, that could be tapped into - but I just could not call them. So to some degree, I didn't get time with my friends because I didn't let them know I needed it. Because I couldn't let them know I needed it. And the more time I spent alone, the more I felt unhealthy and paralyzed. But when I need you the most I am unable to tell you that...

I don't want to be the person who just sits at home and expects everyone to call me and then complains when they don't, but never calls them myself. I don't want to put the entire burden of friendship on you, and then whine if the friendship flounders. (That would be kind of passive-aggressive, and one of my slightly formulated goals for this year is to avoid being passive-aggressive.) I know friendship is a two way street. I try to live out of the conviction that if I want to talk to a friend, I should call them. But I wonder... in my efforts to carry my share of the friendship, do I not notice when I carry most of the weight? If I didn't call first, would anyone call me? And what happens when I am not well and can't carry my friendships anymore?

I know it's not that my friends are terrible people who don't care about me. I trust that my friends genuinely love me. The problem is not that I have no real friends. I do! I am loved! But I am not their world. And in theory that's fine, and even good! We all have our own lives, and yours doesn't revolve around mine. And I don't tend to make the kind of friendships that are all-consuming, where we spend all our time together. Instead my friendships are generally more occasional, though no less significant - I hope. Friends, thank you for loving me. Could you try to let me know a little more? My heart is forgetful.

Maybe people didn't realize that I was on holidays. When you're at work all week and busy with daily matters it's not such a big deal if you don't hang out with your friends much; if you're sitting at home doing nothing it's another story. Maybe I should have sent an email to everyone at the beginning saying "I have this time off! When in there are you free?" Ah, hindsight. Can it be carried into the future? Hard to say.

So... my experience of community is not okay. And I don't really know how to fix it.

Birthday Remembered

It was better than I feared.

I made my lunch plans later so that I could sleep in longer and make the day shorter, finally getting up to answer the door after two rings, two knocks, and a glance at the guy outside holding something. (At my house we don't answer the door unless we are expecting someone.) It was a flower delivery guy, bringing me birthday flowers! Then I received a good phone call from a friend. Early afternoon I went out for lunch with a friend, and that was nice. Another friend called later in the afternoon, not even knowing it was my birthday, and we went out for coffee together. There were some moments of happiness and moments of sadness there, but it was a good way to use up time. I got home to a call from another friend that took up some of my evening, and I was satisfied to spend the rest of the night on the internet. (I started cataloguing my books - check out "My Bookshelf" under my Links!)

I guess I didn't have a birthday cake. Weird! I guess it's not the first time though, and not all that weird.

A whole birthday with no tears, no despair! Woo hoo! When your expectations are really low to begin with, you're probably going to exceed them! Maybe that's the way to go?

Friends, those who spent time with me either in person or on the phone, those who made that time tangible with a gift, thank you so much. Thanks for being available, thanks for considering me worth your time, thanks for considering yourself worth my birthday time. I need you in my life, and I am so grateful for you.

Birthday Apprehension

My goal for my birthday this year: Just get through it. It'll be over soon enough.

Getting older's not the problem. Well, 25 does sound much older than 24 - it's a whole new category, definately "mid-20s", no more passing as "early-20s"... But that's not a really big deal. What I fear is a bad day on a day that needs to be good.

I used to not care what my birthday day was like. And then I started to care, so I just asked for the kind of day I wanted. The year before last I brought my friends home where my Mom cooked us dinner and basically threw me a birthday party (with an amazing cake, and goody bags!). Last year I wanted to spend this important day with the friends from my major, so we planned a SpTh dinner to celebrate all the July birthdays.

This year I thought I'd be in Vancouver for that class on my birthday, so I neglected to plan anything. That's my excuse. But actually, that excuse doesn't hold much water since I knew a month and a half ago that we weren't going to Vancouver. So my only real excuse is lack of planning, and that social paralyzation that I've been under lately. But birthday plans have panicked me all week, and I've cried most of the times I've thought about it. I don't want to spend my birthday having no reason to get out of bed, not feeling like doing anything, leaving the house not knowing where I'm going but just because I have to do something.

Today I developed some plans. Nothing was quite confirmed yet, but I made decisions and felt hope. Lunch with the girls, a drive, dinner and hanging out (for a few days) with my Edm family. Maybe it would be an okay birthday!

But it turns out my family is busy and away, so there's nothing for me in Edm. And my lunch plans are unconfirmed. (Until the last phone call I got - thanks so much, Friend!) So much for hoping. I am back to fearing a sad and lonely birthday.

Thus my birthday goal: Just get through it. The day is only 24 hours long, no matter how disappointing it is. It has to end, and then we can go back to ordinary days where I don't expect so much. And who knows... maybe I'll be surprised by good on my birthday?

Durkheim, I'm feeling your anomie.

Honesty

Maybe this blog will be a place where I'm honest.

In person I act cheery. It's easier that way. I don't want to live out of my crap; I can't. I think acting happy even cheers me up to some degree, as well as making things nicer for everyone else. And I'm pretty sure that cheeriness is as intrinsic to me as depression.

But I don't need another place to be happy. I do that enough. So, this may be where I reveal what's under the surface, behind the "I'm alright". Maybe instead of being on "good behaviour," I will try to just be honest. And actually, even though the background is a sunny pink, the content might swing a little more towards the dark side, to counterbalance all the happiness I put on everywhere else.

I wonder if you would recognize me, if you didn't already know who this was.
I hope it's not a downer.

P.S. I'm not really looking for pity. Maybe just company. And not like, "misery loves company". Maybe more like, "I know who you are" company.

Vacation

I am no good at vacation.

I spent last week houseboating with my family. The weather was hot, the scenery was beautiful. I got a great tan and a bunch of reading done. But my soul was empty and I couldn't leave that ache behind. And so I couldn't enjoy the holiday.

Then I got home with another week off work looming before me. This should be a good thing. But it really made me see how I do not thrive without some kind of structure to my day. I felt like I had nothing to do, and I had no reason to do anything. I felt bored and lost and incapable of making any plans and I just wanted to go back to work. There was nothing to distract me from the ache. A week away also made me feel divorced from my friends, so my social structure began to seem insufficient. The more I noticed this, the more desperate I felt, the more I feared imposing on my friends, and the harder it was to ask for their time. This too has been a rough week of vacation.

Last fall I found myself noticing that every experience I have seems to be a negative one, and wondering why I should bother to have experiences at all. This past week and a half has reminded me of that question. Is vacation wasted on me? Is goodness wasted on me?

If you ask me how my vacation went, I'll tell you it was alright, okay, pretty good. I have a hard time assessing things as negative, especially if I can't obviously qualify such an assessment. It's not like every aspect was terrible. Plus, vacation in itself - getting paid for not working - is a nice thing that I don't want to complain about. But that "good" is a platitude that doesn't describe the whole thing.

I guess this makes me like the fact that I have a job to go back to!

Profile Picture

I'm having a hard time deciding whether I want to be identifiable by my picture on here.

Today I feel like, no. So we'll go for objects!

This is in the maple coffee shop in Montreal.

Alternately, there's always the only vaguely identifiable cartoon picture to fall back on:
hehe!

Second Post

A year and a bit later, I am thinking again of reviving this blog and opening it up to the public. I love reading the blogs of my friends and seeing what is going on in their lives, above or below the surface, and I think maybe I should offer them the same opportunity to know me.

Last time I started this, I posted a couple things, spirituality projects and disappointments, but found that a blog wasn't useful as to me a personal journal. (This isn't really the second post on this blog. Second introductory post I guess. I erased the other posts.) Now I'm doing okay at keeping a journal, as long as I allow myself to keep it shallow.

I wonder again how this blog will turn out. Will I write often enough to keep people interested in checking? Will I say anything worth reading? Will it be remotely deep? Or just a list of what I did this week? And does that also have value? Will I be honest, and will I scare you if I am?

We'll see how it goes!

P.S. I trust you to be able to handle whatever level of vulnerablity I express - I know you can - so don't worry too much about "good behaviour". That is less of a concern to me now than it was a year ago. Thanks for our experiences that have helped me to trust!