Birthday Apprehension

My goal for my birthday this year: Just get through it. It'll be over soon enough.

Getting older's not the problem. Well, 25 does sound much older than 24 - it's a whole new category, definately "mid-20s", no more passing as "early-20s"... But that's not a really big deal. What I fear is a bad day on a day that needs to be good.

I used to not care what my birthday day was like. And then I started to care, so I just asked for the kind of day I wanted. The year before last I brought my friends home where my Mom cooked us dinner and basically threw me a birthday party (with an amazing cake, and goody bags!). Last year I wanted to spend this important day with the friends from my major, so we planned a SpTh dinner to celebrate all the July birthdays.

This year I thought I'd be in Vancouver for that class on my birthday, so I neglected to plan anything. That's my excuse. But actually, that excuse doesn't hold much water since I knew a month and a half ago that we weren't going to Vancouver. So my only real excuse is lack of planning, and that social paralyzation that I've been under lately. But birthday plans have panicked me all week, and I've cried most of the times I've thought about it. I don't want to spend my birthday having no reason to get out of bed, not feeling like doing anything, leaving the house not knowing where I'm going but just because I have to do something.

Today I developed some plans. Nothing was quite confirmed yet, but I made decisions and felt hope. Lunch with the girls, a drive, dinner and hanging out (for a few days) with my Edm family. Maybe it would be an okay birthday!

But it turns out my family is busy and away, so there's nothing for me in Edm. And my lunch plans are unconfirmed. (Until the last phone call I got - thanks so much, Friend!) So much for hoping. I am back to fearing a sad and lonely birthday.

Thus my birthday goal: Just get through it. The day is only 24 hours long, no matter how disappointing it is. It has to end, and then we can go back to ordinary days where I don't expect so much. And who knows... maybe I'll be surprised by good on my birthday?

Durkheim, I'm feeling your anomie.