Social Woes

I'm not really sure what to say. Or what words to use...
Hence the "notes" on the side there. Brainstorming for appropriate vocabulary.

So, my experience of community is not okay.

I had seventeen days off work. I spent eight of those days out of town, leaving nine days when I was here at home. Free. Unoccupied. Bored. To tears.

I only saw people on two of those nine days (my birthday and the day before). The rest of the time I sat at home, sad and lonely.

A friend called me the night before my birthday, asking if I wanted to go out for supper with her. She wanted to have ribs, didn't want to eat out alone, and thought of me. And that meant the world. I was so excited to see my caller id say her name, so excited about her invitation, so excited to have someone to hang out with. I found myself thinking things like "This is the best thing that has happened to me all week! And she is my best friend this week!" As I articulated this to another friend the next day she commented on the fickleness of my use of the term best friend, and I pointed out that this was the only person all week who had called me unsolicited. Friend, I know I've tried to say this already, but thank you for dinner together. Thank you for thinking of me. It meant so much.

It kinda hurt that I wasn't able to spend more time with my friends when I had so much free time and when spending so much time alone was painful. But much of it is my own fault - - ish. I was not well this week, and I was pretty unable to make plans for any time in the future. As a result, my efforts to get in touch with people could have been better... (but also could have been worse!). Also, I only felt able to try to reach out to my core friends. I knew that in theory I had many periphery friends, or not-yet-friends, that could be tapped into - but I just could not call them. So to some degree, I didn't get time with my friends because I didn't let them know I needed it. Because I couldn't let them know I needed it. And the more time I spent alone, the more I felt unhealthy and paralyzed. But when I need you the most I am unable to tell you that...

I don't want to be the person who just sits at home and expects everyone to call me and then complains when they don't, but never calls them myself. I don't want to put the entire burden of friendship on you, and then whine if the friendship flounders. (That would be kind of passive-aggressive, and one of my slightly formulated goals for this year is to avoid being passive-aggressive.) I know friendship is a two way street. I try to live out of the conviction that if I want to talk to a friend, I should call them. But I wonder... in my efforts to carry my share of the friendship, do I not notice when I carry most of the weight? If I didn't call first, would anyone call me? And what happens when I am not well and can't carry my friendships anymore?

I know it's not that my friends are terrible people who don't care about me. I trust that my friends genuinely love me. The problem is not that I have no real friends. I do! I am loved! But I am not their world. And in theory that's fine, and even good! We all have our own lives, and yours doesn't revolve around mine. And I don't tend to make the kind of friendships that are all-consuming, where we spend all our time together. Instead my friendships are generally more occasional, though no less significant - I hope. Friends, thank you for loving me. Could you try to let me know a little more? My heart is forgetful.

Maybe people didn't realize that I was on holidays. When you're at work all week and busy with daily matters it's not such a big deal if you don't hang out with your friends much; if you're sitting at home doing nothing it's another story. Maybe I should have sent an email to everyone at the beginning saying "I have this time off! When in there are you free?" Ah, hindsight. Can it be carried into the future? Hard to say.

So... my experience of community is not okay. And I don't really know how to fix it.