Friend

Your friend married my friend. We met at their wedding, both in the wedding party. Then we both transferred to the same store. I have to admit - I didn't remember who you were the first few times we talked, not until you mentioned our mutual friends and I had some context to remember you in (hehe, sorry!). Since then we sit together whenever we have breaks together, and I enjoy that. Thanks for being a friend to me at work. I like it that we have built this friendship. And I like it that we have moved from just being friends at work to hanging out outside of work and going for dinner and movies. I need friends. I sense you do too. I like the attention you give me. Thank you.

I like it that we have mutual friends. I wonder if we would have become friends if not for them... I like it that I can talk to her to find out who you are and what you are thinking. (And I know she talks to you about me, and vice versa.) It makes for some funny situations though - when the telephone game distorts the story (like you getting the picture that you make me uncomfortable, which isn't what I said or meant), and when she hears my news from you and before I can tell her. And when she tells me that in a recent conversation she cautioned you to make sure you don't start falling for me, and your response seemed to show that you already are. Hahaha - I laugh at all these situations.

To be honest, I had been wondering what you think of me. (Am I especially neurotic, or do all girls wonder where developing friendships with guys are actually going?) Especially because of the things the guys in your department say to me - things like you've told them your friend says we can't date because you'd corrupt me (how did that come up?) and you thought it was a loaded question when I asked about another girl in your life.

As well as telling me that you're interested in me (and offering her opinion that you and I would have the potential to be an amazing couple), our friend tells me that you won't do anything about it. If I suggested bringing the friendship to another level you'd probably be right on board, but you wouldn't bring it up yourself. Things are too complex in your life right now, and they're not going to settle down any time soon. And that's a great relief to me - to know that you aren't going to ask me out. And since the thought of a relationship with anyone makes me feel kinda ill, I'm not going to initiate a relationship-starting talk either. If anything, I've been wondering if we should have a talk that clarified that we don't want a relationship, but our friend suggests that that would just make things awkward. Perfect! I can enjoy the ego-boost of your regard and attention, without worrying about where it's leading or fearing I'm leading you on. (But are the advice and interpretations of our friend accurate?)

I agree that your life is too complex for me to want to really get involved in. You have a year-old son, and you live with his mother. I guess you're not really "together" with her, but she's pretty possessive of you. I know that even by being your friend, I am making an enemy out of her. (That's kind of hard for me. But probably harder for you...) And I'm not in the mood to take on a step-mom role. But you know, although the whole situation is one I don't want to be a big part of, it does show me your character, and I really respect you. I admire how committed you are to your son, and how your world and all your decisions revolve around him and you being near him. Especially when it comes at such a cost to you. I'm impressed.

But really, what do you think you know about me that attracts you? What do we even have in common (other than our mutual friends, and Dutch Blitz)? And there is so much you don't know about me, so much that is atypical, so much below the surface that is not okay. You don't really know me! And times when I have let the cracks show, you haven't responded in a way that pleased me. You've come across as unsympathetic and much too solution-oriented for the things that have no solutions. I've learned, probably without you really noticing, that my weakness is not safe with you. I guess that as our friendship continues to grow I will tell you sometime, because I want my friends to know me and my underlying issues are kind of foundational for the rest of my life, and I wonder how you will respond. Then we'll see if I'm attractive to you! Then you'll be saying I'm too complex to get involved with (and I agree)!

I just want to be a good thing in your life. A friend.

Thanks for your friendship to me. Thanks for the movie and food tonight. I had fun.