update

how am i? the answer to that question is multifaceted.

i guess i'm doing better. better not in the sense of fine, but meaning that i don't feel quite as awful as i did the other day. it's the tendency of the body and the mind to return to homeostasis - even if things don't improve we learn to cope with them, we learn to live in spite of them. yesterday i thought that maybe i was even okay enough to use capital letters again. (but today wasn't so good, so we remain in the lower case.)

i feel worse in the morning (haha and for me morning lasts until like three o'clock). yesterday morning i saw patrick (a rare occurrence) as he left work, and he invited me to his party last night. i told him i'd make an appearance, but i said i didn't trust myself to be good company. shortly after that nathan asked me if i was coming. i told him that yeah, i'd probably be there, but i was having a bad week and so i might show up wearing a low cut shirt, looking for attention and being all needy, and finishing the night crying in a corner. these were my predictions based on how i felt in the morning - but by the end of the day i actually felt okay. katie and i went to patrick's party and we had a really good, non-crazy time. i didn't need to act out.

today i was on buggies all day. the morning wasn't good, and things perked up a little around lunch, but not until i'd been home and distracted by the dvd player for a while did i really feel okay-ish. and actually i cried at work this afternoon. i came inside hoping to switch up with someone, and nathan said "oh, have you been out there all alone? i'm sorry!" and the crying suddenly found me and i said "i'm going to run to the washroom." and then he sent me back outside as soon as i reemerged - but with a partner this time. and i was just not okay.

one thing that makes this all the more tricky is that so few people understand. i feel like i should be able to say "i feel miserable because..." but among my coworkers (the people i seem to spend the most time with), "i had a fight with god" gets me funny looks instead of support. and of those i am becoming real friends with, i don't really think we are at the point yet where i can be crazy/not okay. like, i'm not sure i want to say "i'm depressed." and so i say "i had a bad week," and push them away while i wonder if they really care.

another tricky factor is the vague nature of religious experience. it's not empirical, and so it's hard to know what's actually happening. just because i felt the threat of having to say goodbye to god doesn't mean it's true. anything chemical or psychological or emotional could have stimulated that reaction - maybe it wasn't god. but how do i ever know what it was, and how do i live in response? i feel discouraged about the limitations of my certainty, and i feel obligated to live according to my best interpretation of my experiences even if that is not the only or happiest option.