today also brought its own scars, to add to those from yesterday. justin was on amex, and he was specifically instructed by a manager that he was not allowed to talk to me. i guess she thinks we talk too much and that detracts from our jobs. this was a real blow to me because i felt like they were saying i'm not allowed to have friends, and that's already a sore spot for me.
there aren't any nerves in the soul, so we don't always know what's going on there. every so often we get a glimpse, but for the most part it's a mystery. i have thought that perhaps my soul is happy and with god and it's just not telling me. but after last night, after finding myself suddenly saying "i don't want to say goodbye" to god, i suspect otherwise. that's sad.
"i don't want to say goodbye." that was a reaction against feeling like i had to say goodbye. that's why this is a big deal. it's like breaking up - slowly. and even if each new fight doesn't end it, even if you're still saying "i don't want that to happen," it still brings you closer to the end. will there be any other alternative here, or is it doomed?
what is truth, and what is just my perception? truth seems elusive, and so how can i not live based on what my experience seems to be?
midday i asked katie, "what are you doing after work?" she wasn't sure, but then she waited around and called me when i got off. we went for a walk, and then we sat and talked, and then we went to the pub with her boyfriend's family. it was nice to have a friend. it was nice to be able to share where i'm at. it was nice to have a distraction. i generally feel good after we hang out. i'm not sure what that means. but i'm grateful.
"pray for me." but to ask that is to believe that the one who hears prayers is friendly to my cause...
i think i need to ask it anyways.
hey, when you're done with all the busyness, can i ask you to pray for me? i'm not okay. me and God are not okay. thanks.
Covered by the blood and built up on the foundation of prayer. "Seek me and ye shall find me", "Know that I am who I am", "Be strong, be courageous", "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I shall give you rest", "Be still and Know that I am God", "I will never leave you nor forsake you".
ReplyDeleteTake heart dear friend. May God's peace settle on your soul, and may He guide you in the discernment of the Holy Spirit in trusting that faith resides even when we can not see it in any tangible way. You are signed and sealed by the Spirit.
All that to say. Yes I am praying for you. >:D<
I hear the pain in your soul. I feel the despair. I have been there. I had to wait until God lifted the veil and it hurt. I want to hold you and let you know that it is for the best. I love you and I feel your pain. Know that I am praying for you always and that God wants to look into your eyes and show you how much he loves you.
ReplyDelete