Double Feature

#1 Dinner and Cirque du Soliel with Patrick.
This was great. Good conversation and a great show. He is very respectful, very much a gentleman. At the end of the night he voiced hopes to hang out more (and I know he's not trying to get a relationship out of this). I'd be open to hanging out more (although I wish Katie wasn't leaving so she could be there too). It's nice to have a generous, interesting friend.

Maybe I should have gone home at that point.

#2 Goodbye-ish Drinking Party.
I knew that Katie and Nadia were going out drinking (an uncommon thing for them) as a sort of a goodbye party, and that we were invited. I checked their message on the way home from Patrick's, and I decided to go although it was getting late because they are important to me and they were nearby. I met them and three other guys at the pub, and when that closed down we went to Brandon's house.

I felt lonely in the middle of a crowd. Different. Dull and not fun. Sad. I wasn't drinking, and I was overdressed.

They rejoiced about leaving, which made me sad because I'm staying and losing my best friends at work. They promised we'll stay friends and continue hanging out, but I feel doubtful... I'm sad that they're leaving, and it hurts that they're happy to leave.

Justin said he hates his life. He lives with his parents, hates his job, and has no money. And I feel sad for him. I want to do something, I want to fix it, but I can't. I'm not much more satisfied than he is. I don't even know how to talk about it more with him. And it hurts a bit that he hates the thing we have in common - our workplace.

I don't know if I trust them to care about me when I'm not okay. I don't know if I've earned their friendship enough yet to reveal my cracks - if I've earned enough faithfulness to allow myself to be a little high maintenance. Will authenticity just scare them away? Why can't I trust that they care?
There are some people at work that I do trust to care. And more people probably care more than I think they do. But I remember experiences from the past when I hoped people cared more than they seemed to in the end. I guess that makes me wary.

When I mentioned not being okay tonight, Justin put his arm around me and we sat like that for a while. That was nice. I needed attention and touch.

Maybe the answer is drinking. When you're drinking you can flirt, cuddle, and get all the attention you want, and everyone blames the alcohol and thinks nothing of it the next day. I feel like being sober separated me from them in more ways than one. But... I don't want to be insincere to them, and I don't want my actions to betray my general intentions. I feel like this was a whole different culture, where closeness and intimacy are completely acceptable, and I don't understand how to function there.

It felt like my soul was empty. Silently I said, "I want you, Jesus." Alas.

I don't think I want to do this anymore...

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Tomorrow, can you give me joy and a reason to like life?