(none)

I'm alone today. I didn't make plans, therefore I have none. There's a fine line between rest and boredom. And unless I pick up the phone, no one will walk into my day. Living alone, I don't just see the people I care about - I don't see anyone - unless I make plans to. But I guess it's better to be alone than to wish you were and avoid the people who share your space.

It's too hard to eat breakfast. Seriously, the effort of getting a bowl AND putting cereal in it AND pouring milk on?! And then you have dirty dishes, and eventually you need to go and buy more cereal. Too much. Surely Junior Mints can sustain me?

And surely my balcony is as outside as I need to get?

Ache. I was thinking last night that to be human is to ache. We were created for more than we are able attain after the Fall, and we can never fully ignore the sense of that. And surely redemption matters, but restoration is a slow and gradual process that's never finished here.

I've been thinking about whether I want to try to keep in touch with that Nick guy I met on the weekend. I'm not really sure what that would look like, since I wouldn't want it to be a "relationship," and I hesitate getting myself into something unfamiliar or impossible. But I've been thinking yes. Nick, wanna come over, and we can sit on my balcony, and you can smoke and I can knit?
His cigarettes smelled so amazing. Like cloves. If we hung out a lot, I might end up trying this vice that he loves so much. I should think about the consequences before I start down that path. Is that what I want?

----
Later:

I succeeded in some things today. I did eat cereal and I did two loads of laundry. I wrote some letters. I spent a lot of time on the balcony. It was my goal to get a sunburn and I don't think I did, but that's alright. I made supper and I burnt the rice twice. I gassed up the car and I went out to Blitz.

One of my Blitz friends, whose Blitz skills and scores are generally quite comparable to my own, rejoiced when I got a bad score on a round he did well in. And that hurt. I described it as wilting my soul and I almost cried when it came up a few rounds later. He apologized, and I don't want to be the hyper-sensitive girl who makes a big deal out of small things. It's just a game, and we're each other's main competition. It's just that usually that competition isn't so mean. It felt like a big deal to me. I felt sad the rest of the night. I didn't even want to win anymore. Our friendship even felt kinda tarnished. I left shortly after we finished playing.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because of a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow it won't seem so significant.

I got a phone call from a friend today. That was cool because he walked into my life today without me putting out the effort, and I appreciated that. But he makes me tired. I feel like I'm not okay enough to enjoy being friends with him - he is outside of the realm of life that I can handle. I feel bad, though, because that's not his fault.

Tired. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Not that I want to stay home either. It sucks when you can't think of what you would want, and you don't want any of the options you can imagine.