kleenex

playing sequence back in january: i could win now, after only a few moves. but shortening the game would shorten the fun. i'll wait.
playing sequence tonight: hey look, i can win! let's go for it and get this over with.
noticing this makes me sad. i worry for my character. but how do you change the trajectory of your character?
maybe it's just that i feel distant and i feel hurt. we haven't had much time together lately and that has made me sad and slightly distrustful of the friendship, at the same time that i've been building other friendships. it's not that i don't want these friendships to continue, but i feel hypersensitive and afraid to hope. sigh.

my tears say that i don't want to say goodbye to you, on top of everyone else. what will i do without... everything? why does it feel like that is where we are? how did we get here? what can i do but cry forever?
you said you'd never forsake, and it sounded like you said you'd never send away. but you sent your people into exile. you brought back their children, but the ones who went died out there.
who told us we'd be rescued? what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
this is what it is to be loved... but this "love" makes me want to throw up.
but i promised and i don't want to leave.

- trevor's last day was yesterday. i made him freezer meals to take as he moves away from home. we're planning a goodbye party for him, and i have hopes that we'll keep in touch.
- nadia's quitting, and katie doesn't think she's coming back. do we have enough to keep a friendship going when we no longer have work in common?
- i had coworkers over for lunch today. it was alright. kinda the first time i've had a group of them over in this chapter of my work life. in previous chapters i had people over all the time for ice cream parties, and although part of me wants to do that again, it also makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed. so today we had lunch, not ice cream. before they came i wasnt really sure what to hope for, and when they left i felt tired and thoughtful.
- justin considers religion to be fabricated. interesting to know. and i wonder how much your friends foreshadow your future.
- i want everyone to feel like their beliefs and they themselves are safe around me.
- so i emailed nick, saying i enjoyed our conversation and thanking him for it. he responded: no no, thank you! it was wonderful to meet you and fascinating to talk to you! and then he gave me his number, saying if you're free sometime give me a shout, i would love to go out. that's nice - i wasn't sure i'd hear back from him.
- thanks for having us over tonight friend. thanks for sharing - your food and your heart. sorry i felt grumpy. i hope you didn't notice.