Okay

I had a good day today! And that was so nice!

My weekday shifts tend to be later than weekend ones, so I was able to sleep in this morning and I didn't have to rush out of the house to get to work. I had time to eat cereal for breakfast instead of grabbing a granola bar in the car on the way to work. The last few days the nausea has been getting me on the way to work (and lasting most of the day in a strange hungry/full feeling), but today I felt fine. I found an old tape in the glove box that I popped in, but it didn't work, and I didn't like whatever was on the country station, so I switched over to the Christian station. This song came on, and at first I thought it sounded like September but I was sure it couldn't be - but it was! And that was so much fun to hear because I really enjoy this song.

They changed the words a bunch in this cover, so my efforts to sing along were hampered but I did it anyway. Then at the end the announcer said the song was going out to "Michelle here in the office" - and although I wasn't in the office, I am Michelle so it felt like something personal. The message of this version of the song seemed applicable to me too. The season it won't last always. Maybe it is just a season - both my recent crisis and my general condition. That gave me hope.

It didn't really feel okay to feel okay when nothing had changed or improved. But today after some of the emotion of my "fight with God" had subsided, I found myself able to say "I want to stay." And then hearing September on the radio was like a smile from God. And so things are okay again, and it is appropriate to feel good. (And I think God speaks to me through the radio.)

Not that all is well. Sometimes breaking up happens in stages; this could be similar. But I am trying to see that that is not inevitable. And for now I am okay, or at least much better than I was on the weekend.

Credits: YouTube; Kirk Franklin

update

how am i? the answer to that question is multifaceted.

i guess i'm doing better. better not in the sense of fine, but meaning that i don't feel quite as awful as i did the other day. it's the tendency of the body and the mind to return to homeostasis - even if things don't improve we learn to cope with them, we learn to live in spite of them. yesterday i thought that maybe i was even okay enough to use capital letters again. (but today wasn't so good, so we remain in the lower case.)

i feel worse in the morning (haha and for me morning lasts until like three o'clock). yesterday morning i saw patrick (a rare occurrence) as he left work, and he invited me to his party last night. i told him i'd make an appearance, but i said i didn't trust myself to be good company. shortly after that nathan asked me if i was coming. i told him that yeah, i'd probably be there, but i was having a bad week and so i might show up wearing a low cut shirt, looking for attention and being all needy, and finishing the night crying in a corner. these were my predictions based on how i felt in the morning - but by the end of the day i actually felt okay. katie and i went to patrick's party and we had a really good, non-crazy time. i didn't need to act out.

today i was on buggies all day. the morning wasn't good, and things perked up a little around lunch, but not until i'd been home and distracted by the dvd player for a while did i really feel okay-ish. and actually i cried at work this afternoon. i came inside hoping to switch up with someone, and nathan said "oh, have you been out there all alone? i'm sorry!" and the crying suddenly found me and i said "i'm going to run to the washroom." and then he sent me back outside as soon as i reemerged - but with a partner this time. and i was just not okay.

one thing that makes this all the more tricky is that so few people understand. i feel like i should be able to say "i feel miserable because..." but among my coworkers (the people i seem to spend the most time with), "i had a fight with god" gets me funny looks instead of support. and of those i am becoming real friends with, i don't really think we are at the point yet where i can be crazy/not okay. like, i'm not sure i want to say "i'm depressed." and so i say "i had a bad week," and push them away while i wonder if they really care.

another tricky factor is the vague nature of religious experience. it's not empirical, and so it's hard to know what's actually happening. just because i felt the threat of having to say goodbye to god doesn't mean it's true. anything chemical or psychological or emotional could have stimulated that reaction - maybe it wasn't god. but how do i ever know what it was, and how do i live in response? i feel discouraged about the limitations of my certainty, and i feel obligated to live according to my best interpretation of my experiences even if that is not the only or happiest option.

aftermath

last night was so no good. today bore yesterday's scars. i didn't want to get up. i didn't want to go to work. it felt like it took a lot of effort to make left turns while driving. then i started my work day by complying with the stretching program that they're implementing, and when a maintenance guy came along and made a jestful comment i gave up and almost cried. tears were near all day long. i tasted the despair in my stomach and felt like throwing up half the day. being friendly made me dizzy.

today also brought its own scars, to add to those from yesterday. justin was on amex, and he was specifically instructed by a manager that he was not allowed to talk to me. i guess she thinks we talk too much and that detracts from our jobs. this was a real blow to me because i felt like they were saying i'm not allowed to have friends, and that's already a sore spot for me.

there aren't any nerves in the soul, so we don't always know what's going on there. every so often we get a glimpse, but for the most part it's a mystery. i have thought that perhaps my soul is happy and with god and it's just not telling me. but after last night, after finding myself suddenly saying "i don't want to say goodbye" to god, i suspect otherwise. that's sad.

"i don't want to say goodbye." that was a reaction against feeling like i had to say goodbye. that's why this is a big deal. it's like breaking up - slowly. and even if each new fight doesn't end it, even if you're still saying "i don't want that to happen," it still brings you closer to the end. will there be any other alternative here, or is it doomed?

what is truth, and what is just my perception? truth seems elusive, and so how can i not live based on what my experience seems to be?

midday i asked katie, "what are you doing after work?" she wasn't sure, but then she waited around and called me when i got off. we went for a walk, and then we sat and talked, and then we went to the pub with her boyfriend's family. it was nice to have a friend. it was nice to be able to share where i'm at. it was nice to have a distraction. i generally feel good after we hang out. i'm not sure what that means. but i'm grateful.

"pray for me." but to ask that is to believe that the one who hears prayers is friendly to my cause...
i think i need to ask it anyways.

hey, when you're done with all the busyness, can i ask you to pray for me? i'm not okay. me and God are not okay. thanks.

kleenex

playing sequence back in january: i could win now, after only a few moves. but shortening the game would shorten the fun. i'll wait.
playing sequence tonight: hey look, i can win! let's go for it and get this over with.
noticing this makes me sad. i worry for my character. but how do you change the trajectory of your character?
maybe it's just that i feel distant and i feel hurt. we haven't had much time together lately and that has made me sad and slightly distrustful of the friendship, at the same time that i've been building other friendships. it's not that i don't want these friendships to continue, but i feel hypersensitive and afraid to hope. sigh.

my tears say that i don't want to say goodbye to you, on top of everyone else. what will i do without... everything? why does it feel like that is where we are? how did we get here? what can i do but cry forever?
you said you'd never forsake, and it sounded like you said you'd never send away. but you sent your people into exile. you brought back their children, but the ones who went died out there.
who told us we'd be rescued? what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
this is what it is to be loved... but this "love" makes me want to throw up.
but i promised and i don't want to leave.

- trevor's last day was yesterday. i made him freezer meals to take as he moves away from home. we're planning a goodbye party for him, and i have hopes that we'll keep in touch.
- nadia's quitting, and katie doesn't think she's coming back. do we have enough to keep a friendship going when we no longer have work in common?
- i had coworkers over for lunch today. it was alright. kinda the first time i've had a group of them over in this chapter of my work life. in previous chapters i had people over all the time for ice cream parties, and although part of me wants to do that again, it also makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed. so today we had lunch, not ice cream. before they came i wasnt really sure what to hope for, and when they left i felt tired and thoughtful.
- justin considers religion to be fabricated. interesting to know. and i wonder how much your friends foreshadow your future.
- i want everyone to feel like their beliefs and they themselves are safe around me.
- so i emailed nick, saying i enjoyed our conversation and thanking him for it. he responded: no no, thank you! it was wonderful to meet you and fascinating to talk to you! and then he gave me his number, saying if you're free sometime give me a shout, i would love to go out. that's nice - i wasn't sure i'd hear back from him.
- thanks for having us over tonight friend. thanks for sharing - your food and your heart. sorry i felt grumpy. i hope you didn't notice.

Sunsets

The sunset was beautiful tonight. That made me think about other sunsets.

These are the best pictures I've ever taken of sunsets. One was taken fifteen years ago from Dad's house, the other thirteen years ago from Mom's. (Granted, they're not so clear when I scan them in, but they were beautiful, let me tell you.) That was half a lifetime ago.



Like I said, tonight's sunset was beautiful. But... it made me sad. Beauty makes me ache and feel sad and empty. It hasn't always been this way, and tonight I remembered the last time I saw a sunset that made my heart jump with joy. It was four years ago. Already then it was becoming a rare thing for me, and that's why I remember it. I was walking out of Liquidation World after having bought fifteen bottles of dish soap for new college students. Tonight I bought one bottle of dish soap for a new college student, saw the sunset as I walked out of Superstore, and remembered how long it's been since I've experienced the light heaviness of joy.

Update 08/22/08: Tonight I noticed that the sunset made me suspicious. I kinda glared at it and thought, "yeah right." Hmmm...

(none)

Today at work I spent seven and a half hours out on buggies. And it was hot out! I could have gone in and traded out with someone else and I didn't, so I can't blame anyone for this. But I can brag about the funny places I got sunburnt. I got color on my nose and cheeks and chest, despite the sunscreen. And I also burnt the back of my legs, and my part line. Didn't expect those! I drank 3 liters of water, but I still ended up with a headache that will soon send me to bed.

I've been thinking lately of this scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding:

Toula: I'm serious! No one in my family has ever gone out with a non-Greek before. No one. And you're, you're, wonderful... but I just don't see how this is going to work out. So...
Ian: Work out? What's to work out? We're not a different species. Yes, we come from different backgrounds. And hey, here's some news about my life to this point: it's boring. Then I met you and you're interesting and you're beautiful and fun. You got a weird family; who doesn't. I just want to spend some time with you. I just want to spend a little time, with you.
Toula: Did you say I'm beautiful?

I really like that line, and I really think that's what friendships/relationships should be: "I just want to spend some time with you." Of course in the movie they start kissing right away, and soon enough they're getting married. But I like it that they let that develop - they didn't go into it saying "I just want to marry you." There's no pressure.

In my email conversation with my friend regarding Nick, I asked him for his opinion of my actions at his party. He replied: I don't think you need to be ashamed of anything at the party - personally, I think you just made everyone envious ; ) and that's their problem, not yours.

Today's Installment

I talked to my Blitz friend today, the one who wilted my soul a little bit with his mean competition a few days ago. We've been watching movies together on Thurs afternoons, and I called before I came over to make sure it was still happening. He said he was a little afraid I wouldn't come because he wasn't sure if we were okay after what happened on Mon. He apologized again, and said that he had noticed the tears welling up in my eyes and that just made him feel awful. He hears me talk about other people who make me cry, and he does not want to be one of those people. The next day he called me (and woke me up) to warn me about a speed trap on the way to work, and that act of kindness before I was awake enough to remember I was sad helped to make things better. Today it was nice to hear his remorse about hurting me and know that he does care and my friendship does matter to him.

I also heard back from Nick's friend/my friend today. I guess it came up with someone else who was at the party that Nick was all over me from the moment I walked in (I don't quite remember it that way) and they were concerned about girls who get sucked in by smooth talkers. My friend said that I'm too smart for that - and then the next day he got my email asking for Nick's email address. So he felt the need to caution me. This time he elaborated, Nick's still young and has a lot to learn, and his talent of instantly making friends with pretty much everyone he meets also means he has a lot of "girlfriends" hanging around... I know that's not the type of guy you deserve... I just don't want to see you get hurt.
Responding to his email clarified some things in my own mind...
- I used to be young and naive; now I am jaded or perhaps wise
- what really matters isn't a sparky connection, but that you're a good match for each other
- people get hurt when they expect different things, when they hope for more than turns out, or when they become ashamed of their actions in light of the results
- in this situation, I'm just looking for whatever kind of friendship could come out of this, and if it's nothing that's okay
It was interesting to hear that someone else brought this up with my friend - interesting to realize that there were third party perceptions, and they weren't especially positive. My friend said that I think he was more upset about Nick's behavior than yours but the fact that he mentioned that casts some doubt. Maybe I shouldn't go to parties if I'm just going to be, or be seen as, a big flirt.

Today I succeeded at eating cereal and doing the dishes. Yay me! I also made some disaster cookies - I tried something new that didn't turn out well. But I'm going to feed them to my coworkers anyways. There are so many "last days" to acknowledge...

Bridge Mix

Balcony
It's nice to have a piece of outside that's mine. I can put my chair here and sit for free, and no one can look at me funny or tell me to leave. The sun shines in and I can lean against the railing and try for a suntan. I even brought my air mattress and sleeping bag out one night to sleep here. But then the air mattress popped a leak, so I have to fix it before I can do that again.
I like the colors. Gray painted walls. Weathered brown wooden shingles framing the view. An indescribable color on the railing and door - a reddish orangish brown. The door to possibility in the cloak of the door to the storage closet. I'm glad it's not white and siding and new.
Granted, it's not the best outside place ever. It barely even counts as outside because it's so close to inside and so enclosed. Places with water are always my favorite, and there isn't even anything green here. But a creek is unrealistic on a balcony, and I am too lazy to water anything enough to keep it green. It needs a table too. Still, overall I'm satisfied.
I left my can of iced tea sitting out here for six hours. I wonder if any bugs flew in...

Spaghetti
I invited a friend over for dinner tonight. She never got back to me. I left her a message last night when I got off work, so I guess that only gave her 20 hours notice, but that should be enough time to return a phone call to tell me if she could (or couldn't) make it. Instead I was left wondering, unable to make other plans in case she did come, finally eating dinner alone.
I know she's not doing all that well. There have been a lot of changes in her life that she is adjusting to. And I don't want to be one more thing that she has to deal with - I want to bless her, not drain her more. I thought that's what I was doing when I invited her for dinner, especially since she is newly on her own and doesn't have a real kitchen. But she didn't give me the opportunity to bless her.
Maybe that's not what she needed. Maybe right now she still needs space. I don't know for sure - I haven't talked to her all week and she tends not to return my calls (not just today). I wonder how much more space she'll need.
It's not just that I want to be a good thing for her, although that is true. I also need her. Or I need to learn not to need her, if she isn't going to be available.
Instead, my friends today were the telephone and the VCR.

New Friend
So I asked my friend for Nick's email address. He answered back: You guys sure seemed to be hitting it off, is this going somewhere? Maybe this comment is totally out of place and I don't want to be discouraging, but keep your guard up. Nick's popularity is often his curse as well as his blessing. I asked for clarification because I'm not exactly sure what he means. But I totally appreciate that my friend cares about me enough to caution me about what I may be getting into.
He's six years younger than me and we have vastly different life experiences, and I feel like these are problems so I say no, it's not going anywhere. But I feel like connections like this are rare, and perhaps I owe it to myself to see if this could become an amazing friendship. Maybe it can't, but maybe it can. I have my doubts - maybe it was such a good conversation because we were strangers, maybe it's not repeatable, maybe hanging out will be really awkward, maybe that first impression was false and I don't actually want to be friends, maybe I want to have my cake (a close friend) and eat it too (not a relationship), maybe we're too busy, maybe I'll come to the place where I don't want the vulnerability anymore and can't handle the friendship. But despite all this, I'm trying to give possibility a chance.
I haven't been okay since we met. (I guess I wasn't really okay before we met either.) I don't know what to think about that. I know that our conversation touched me deeply, and maybe this is just how I react. Also, when what lies beneath the surface gets expressed, it doesn't quickly go back down.

Blame
I realized that Dale has a valuable role in my life: scapegoat. When he's on holidays I can't attribute my bad humour to him, but he's a convenient excuse when he's around. This week I have to admit that it's not him, it's not him-and-me, it's just me.

Candy









A tasty assortment of all sorts of things!

A little more than work friends

I feel jealous and sad and left out when Justin is having a great time with Nadia. Possessive?
Nancy once noted that Justin related to me differently than to anyone else. She could see something there, and she said she thought maybe he likes me. I agreed that we have a good time together, but it's hard to tell if that's just a friendship thing or something more, I said. I was leaning towards it just being a friendship thing.
Still, I started to think I was something special. But he has more fun with Nadia, and they seem to have more time together to have fun.
He still cares about me. Today he told me I'm the leader of their Team Awesome. He cared to listen to yesterday's wilted soul story, and on his way out he took the time to stop and wish me a good night.
Last week I had a little daydream. "So, uh, wanna be my girlfriend?" And then I'd grin, and ask him what that meant to him, and probably say yes. Not that I expect this to happen. Not that it would even necessarily be a good idea - he wouldn't really understand my faith. (It took me a whole day to remember that that's important though.) But it was a nice thought.
I don't really want to be his girlfriend. But I do want to be his friend. I think that I want to hang out. I think that if we were actually friends I wouldn't feel threatened by other work friendships he develops. Real friends, not just work friends.
I hate feeling so insecure. I hate the comments I've made that express that.

(none)

I'm alone today. I didn't make plans, therefore I have none. There's a fine line between rest and boredom. And unless I pick up the phone, no one will walk into my day. Living alone, I don't just see the people I care about - I don't see anyone - unless I make plans to. But I guess it's better to be alone than to wish you were and avoid the people who share your space.

It's too hard to eat breakfast. Seriously, the effort of getting a bowl AND putting cereal in it AND pouring milk on?! And then you have dirty dishes, and eventually you need to go and buy more cereal. Too much. Surely Junior Mints can sustain me?

And surely my balcony is as outside as I need to get?

Ache. I was thinking last night that to be human is to ache. We were created for more than we are able attain after the Fall, and we can never fully ignore the sense of that. And surely redemption matters, but restoration is a slow and gradual process that's never finished here.

I've been thinking about whether I want to try to keep in touch with that Nick guy I met on the weekend. I'm not really sure what that would look like, since I wouldn't want it to be a "relationship," and I hesitate getting myself into something unfamiliar or impossible. But I've been thinking yes. Nick, wanna come over, and we can sit on my balcony, and you can smoke and I can knit?
His cigarettes smelled so amazing. Like cloves. If we hung out a lot, I might end up trying this vice that he loves so much. I should think about the consequences before I start down that path. Is that what I want?

----
Later:

I succeeded in some things today. I did eat cereal and I did two loads of laundry. I wrote some letters. I spent a lot of time on the balcony. It was my goal to get a sunburn and I don't think I did, but that's alright. I made supper and I burnt the rice twice. I gassed up the car and I went out to Blitz.

One of my Blitz friends, whose Blitz skills and scores are generally quite comparable to my own, rejoiced when I got a bad score on a round he did well in. And that hurt. I described it as wilting my soul and I almost cried when it came up a few rounds later. He apologized, and I don't want to be the hyper-sensitive girl who makes a big deal out of small things. It's just a game, and we're each other's main competition. It's just that usually that competition isn't so mean. It felt like a big deal to me. I felt sad the rest of the night. I didn't even want to win anymore. Our friendship even felt kinda tarnished. I left shortly after we finished playing.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because of a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow it won't seem so significant.

I got a phone call from a friend today. That was cool because he walked into my life today without me putting out the effort, and I appreciated that. But he makes me tired. I feel like I'm not okay enough to enjoy being friends with him - he is outside of the realm of life that I can handle. I feel bad, though, because that's not his fault.

Tired. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Not that I want to stay home either. It sucks when you can't think of what you would want, and you don't want any of the options you can imagine.

Civic Holiday

Happy Civic Holiday! Since I know almost nothing about this holiday, I thought I would do a little research. It turns out that there is very little to know. It's basically an excuse to have another long weekend in the summer. In Alberta its official name is Heritage Day, when we remember our heritage. I don't think we actually do that though. (A reporter from Eastern Canada asked, "What heritage? Alberta was only discovered the other day, and then only because it was on the way to the other ocean!") According to the Alberta Department of Human Resources and Employment it is not even an official holiday. (I'm glad my employers recognize it as one!) Different provinces give it different significance. Some don't recognize an August holiday at all, some place one at a different time, and some celebrate their province on this day (like New Brunswick Day, Saskatchewan Day, British Columbia Day, and Nova Scotia's and PEI's Natal Day). Some recognize it as an official statuatory holiday, and others just enjoy it despite its unofficial status.

"First Monday in August Holiday" http://www.craigmarlatt.com/canada/symbols_facts&lists/august_holiday.html

"What holiday is this anyway?" The Calgary Herald 4 Aug 2008 http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=387d442d-5fe1-4046-89b0-cbe59f5a5d2b

And I found the graphic on The Weather Network's website http://www.theweathernetwork.com/civicday/caab0049

Self Exposure

Tonight I went to a birthday party. I had a long tiring ugh day and I didn't really want to go, but I figured my appearance would be meaningful to my friend. And... I'm glad I went. I didn't know many/any of his friends who were there, so I walked into a crowd of relative strangers. For some reason that was okay. Some of us had common interests, and conversations were easy. There was one guy in particular, Nick. He's nineteen, has a mullet, and told us stories about fleeing from the police in China. Then he and I got into a conversation that led us to the couch, then to me offering him a ride home. There we sat in his driveway for two hours, and I got home at 3:30. It was a conversation of utter honesty and exposure. We told each other everything and felt like we could ask anything. We talked about God and sin and sex and depression and work and parenting and more. A few times he said, "Almost no one else knows this, but I feel really comfortable telling you..." I shared some secrets that I generally hesitate to talk about. We're strangers, and there's safety in that - no preconceived notion of who the other person is, no obligation to remain in each other's lives. As he went to leave my car he reached out to shake my hand, and then we sat there like that for a while longer. We might keep in touch, getting contact info through our mutual friend. I wonder what that would be like, and if we can take the openness we shared this night and turn it into a friendship.

According to...

I found this today as I was going through a box of old letters. It made me laugh, so I wanted to share it with you. (I don't know much about some of these people, so I don't know how accurate they all are.)

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Martin Luther King Jr: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shall cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

More Nostalgia

I'm a keeper. I keep all the notes and letters people give me, and I used to be quite a writer so I've got a big collection. Ten boxes in fact (shoe boxes, not moving boxes). I've started sorting through them because I know there are some I can discard - like the daily emails about homework and the mindless forwards that I printed out and put in the box. I'm getting rid of less than I thought I might, though. Almost everything seems to have significance. I made it to the end of high school (like the photo albums; I guess I'm dealing with the past one era at a time).

It's interesting to go through these old letters because it gives me a different picture of my past. No perspective is ever complete, and I remember things with a certain flavor that does not perfectly reflect the true situations. The picture that I get out of reading the letters I have received is also biased, but it complements what I glean from other sources.

My cousin Lisa is the first to appear in my box of letters. She was my inspiration to correspond in this way, and so she really affected who I became. She used to be so important to me, and we wrote on and off for probably ten years. I leaned on her in some really hard times. In her last letter she asked about some emotional instability that I had hinted at, and I didn't want to talk about it so I never wrote back. Granted, I don't think she wrote again either. But it feels like there's this big chasm between us now, and it would take so much effort to overcome that...

My grandparents were really supportive of me. I probably exchanged the most letters with Oma. She was often telling me how she was proud of me and thought I was such a good kid. This was an early one: "Your such a nice young lady, were really proud of you, and your so pretty" (Feb 1996). A few years later she wrote, "I wont you to know we love you, and will always be here for you if you ever need us." Reading through these old letters makes me remember how important my extended family used to be to me. Later the focus starts to switch to friends. I guess that's typical. But on top of that, I atypically hide my true self and my struggles from my family. Their job is to be proud of me, so I hide whatever's not conducive to that. That makes it hard to be close anymore... But really, how do you say, "Grandma, I have a depression problem." I can't let them be there for me.

Reading notes from my childhood best friend Janelle means a lot to me. We were so much fun! And around mid-high school she began expressing her appreciation for me in touching ways and telling me I had really impacted her life. That's really special to me now. We grew apart at the end of high school as I entered a new social realm, and we kept growing apart after high school. I felt like I had changed a lot, and I didn't know how to be with her anymore. The last time I saw her was when I ran into her at a coffee shop here a few years ago. She gave me her newest number, and I didn't want to call. I feel bad about that. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to change it though.

I was surprised to read the things my ex-step-dad wrote to me on birthday cards, etc. He said that he felt lucky to have me in his life and to be a part of mine, and he was glad that I was his daughter figure. It makes me wonder when we started fighting, because I definitely have the feeling that we were not okay. Once he and my Mom split up he started saying again that he'd always liked me, and that also sounded strange and untrue to my ears.

My Dad and I used to exchange a lot of emails. I'd forgotten about that. I wonder how I read his notes at the time. A lot of them were daily minutiae, but he also told me he loves me and he's proud of me. I went through a time of feeling very hurt by all his inadequacies as a father, but now I'm content to see that he's done his best. Now his past expressions of love really mean a lot.

The people I babysat for really showered me with cards for a while! One year I got a Christmas card, a Valentines card, an Easter card, and a year end card from them. They thought I was magnificent and they really appreciated me. That's nice to remember.

I found copies of a bunch of my old ICQ conversations with my first boyfriend, as we were getting to know each other before we dated. Those were fun to read. Dating him was premature, but it wasn't the dumbest thing ever. I feel like I can respect myself more in the situation after reading the conversations than relying on what my memory has made it. I also read through the post-relationship email conversation, and that was less fun, more heavy. We didn't last long together, and the break up lasted a lot longer than the relationship did and brought a lot of hard times along with it for me. He tried so hard to be kind, and he's right, my feelings would have been hurt however he'd done it. But from this situation I learned that if the answer is no, just say no. Don't try to be too nice - it will hurt more in the long run.

Toward the end of high school I got involved in my church's youth group and made a whole new circle of friends who encouraged me from a spiritual standpoint. Compliments from my peers tell me that they appreciated me. Even the youth leaders chimed in, and I weight their comments heavily: "You modeled the love of Christ as I've never before seen it." "We are often amazed at all you do in your walk with Jesus." "You are a perfect example of Christianity." I was something special to them.

It touched me to read my family affirming my faith, since none of them really shared it. Dad wrote in a Christmas card: "I know that you have an understanding to the 'true meaning of the season.' I congratulate you in the exceptional focus that you have on all of the important things in your life." My cousin Lisa, a strong Mormon, told me, "Michelle I’m so proud of the life you are choosing to live. You seek the light of Christ daily – and I am certain that you are an example to many people – both friends and adults." Oma's graduation card said: "I hope you will always live your life, so your as lovely on the inside and outside, as you are now."

I was a great person. I had great people in my life, and they appreciated me. They affirmed that I was going in a good direction and cheered me on. But... I'm different now. And if I was great then, and if I do not feel like who I am now is consistent with who I was then, what does that say about me and where I currently am? What would they think of me now, what hope does that leave for reconnection?

I had to grow up. We would all agree. And... maybe the direction I grew was necessary, was right. Maybe that was right for then and this is right for now. I feel like that is a possibility, but can't trust it to be a certainty...

Reciprocal

Getting to know someone means that you have to be willing to be known. You can't expect to see them unless you're willing to show yourself. And so you have to trust that you'll be accepted and respected and understood yourself, just as you trust that you can accept, respect and understand what they reveal.

So much of who I am and how I see my life sits in the context of religion. That is foreign in the world where I live. I fear that few will understand who I am beneath the surface because they think in different categories. I don't exactly know how to be true to myself as I reveal myself in a way they can relate to... Actually, I don't even know how to fit myself into words.