More Nostalgia

I'm a keeper. I keep all the notes and letters people give me, and I used to be quite a writer so I've got a big collection. Ten boxes in fact (shoe boxes, not moving boxes). I've started sorting through them because I know there are some I can discard - like the daily emails about homework and the mindless forwards that I printed out and put in the box. I'm getting rid of less than I thought I might, though. Almost everything seems to have significance. I made it to the end of high school (like the photo albums; I guess I'm dealing with the past one era at a time).

It's interesting to go through these old letters because it gives me a different picture of my past. No perspective is ever complete, and I remember things with a certain flavor that does not perfectly reflect the true situations. The picture that I get out of reading the letters I have received is also biased, but it complements what I glean from other sources.

My cousin Lisa is the first to appear in my box of letters. She was my inspiration to correspond in this way, and so she really affected who I became. She used to be so important to me, and we wrote on and off for probably ten years. I leaned on her in some really hard times. In her last letter she asked about some emotional instability that I had hinted at, and I didn't want to talk about it so I never wrote back. Granted, I don't think she wrote again either. But it feels like there's this big chasm between us now, and it would take so much effort to overcome that...

My grandparents were really supportive of me. I probably exchanged the most letters with Oma. She was often telling me how she was proud of me and thought I was such a good kid. This was an early one: "Your such a nice young lady, were really proud of you, and your so pretty" (Feb 1996). A few years later she wrote, "I wont you to know we love you, and will always be here for you if you ever need us." Reading through these old letters makes me remember how important my extended family used to be to me. Later the focus starts to switch to friends. I guess that's typical. But on top of that, I atypically hide my true self and my struggles from my family. Their job is to be proud of me, so I hide whatever's not conducive to that. That makes it hard to be close anymore... But really, how do you say, "Grandma, I have a depression problem." I can't let them be there for me.

Reading notes from my childhood best friend Janelle means a lot to me. We were so much fun! And around mid-high school she began expressing her appreciation for me in touching ways and telling me I had really impacted her life. That's really special to me now. We grew apart at the end of high school as I entered a new social realm, and we kept growing apart after high school. I felt like I had changed a lot, and I didn't know how to be with her anymore. The last time I saw her was when I ran into her at a coffee shop here a few years ago. She gave me her newest number, and I didn't want to call. I feel bad about that. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to change it though.

I was surprised to read the things my ex-step-dad wrote to me on birthday cards, etc. He said that he felt lucky to have me in his life and to be a part of mine, and he was glad that I was his daughter figure. It makes me wonder when we started fighting, because I definitely have the feeling that we were not okay. Once he and my Mom split up he started saying again that he'd always liked me, and that also sounded strange and untrue to my ears.

My Dad and I used to exchange a lot of emails. I'd forgotten about that. I wonder how I read his notes at the time. A lot of them were daily minutiae, but he also told me he loves me and he's proud of me. I went through a time of feeling very hurt by all his inadequacies as a father, but now I'm content to see that he's done his best. Now his past expressions of love really mean a lot.

The people I babysat for really showered me with cards for a while! One year I got a Christmas card, a Valentines card, an Easter card, and a year end card from them. They thought I was magnificent and they really appreciated me. That's nice to remember.

I found copies of a bunch of my old ICQ conversations with my first boyfriend, as we were getting to know each other before we dated. Those were fun to read. Dating him was premature, but it wasn't the dumbest thing ever. I feel like I can respect myself more in the situation after reading the conversations than relying on what my memory has made it. I also read through the post-relationship email conversation, and that was less fun, more heavy. We didn't last long together, and the break up lasted a lot longer than the relationship did and brought a lot of hard times along with it for me. He tried so hard to be kind, and he's right, my feelings would have been hurt however he'd done it. But from this situation I learned that if the answer is no, just say no. Don't try to be too nice - it will hurt more in the long run.

Toward the end of high school I got involved in my church's youth group and made a whole new circle of friends who encouraged me from a spiritual standpoint. Compliments from my peers tell me that they appreciated me. Even the youth leaders chimed in, and I weight their comments heavily: "You modeled the love of Christ as I've never before seen it." "We are often amazed at all you do in your walk with Jesus." "You are a perfect example of Christianity." I was something special to them.

It touched me to read my family affirming my faith, since none of them really shared it. Dad wrote in a Christmas card: "I know that you have an understanding to the 'true meaning of the season.' I congratulate you in the exceptional focus that you have on all of the important things in your life." My cousin Lisa, a strong Mormon, told me, "Michelle I’m so proud of the life you are choosing to live. You seek the light of Christ daily – and I am certain that you are an example to many people – both friends and adults." Oma's graduation card said: "I hope you will always live your life, so your as lovely on the inside and outside, as you are now."

I was a great person. I had great people in my life, and they appreciated me. They affirmed that I was going in a good direction and cheered me on. But... I'm different now. And if I was great then, and if I do not feel like who I am now is consistent with who I was then, what does that say about me and where I currently am? What would they think of me now, what hope does that leave for reconnection?

I had to grow up. We would all agree. And... maybe the direction I grew was necessary, was right. Maybe that was right for then and this is right for now. I feel like that is a possibility, but can't trust it to be a certainty...