Notes on He's Just Not That Into You

I like reading books that are about problems I don't think I have. They can't disappoint me. When I hope that a book will speak to an issue in my life and then it doesn't address my concerns, I feel frustrated. It's nice to just hear what they have to say without having to apply it personally to my situation. I like just learning.

He's Just Not That Into You was sitting on my Mom's bookshelf, so I picked it up last night. It has some good stuff to say. It also says some questionable stuff (in my opinion). But overall I felt like it was worth reading.

As the title suggests, the authors are saying that if a guy doesn't seem completely interested in you, that's probably because he's not. They see this frank message as freeing: once you realize this you are free to let go of the mediocre relationship and find something better. Don't settle, they are saying.

The message is essentially: Respect yourself. Respect yourself enough that you won't let people (guys) treat you badly. It's a big self-esteem booster - they say things like "You're fantastic" and "You're too busy and popular for that" and "You're worth a good relationship." I like that message; I think it's valuable. It's empowering. They also note that the more you value yourself, the more likely it is that you will find a great relationship.

They also make the point (right at the end) that when we allow someone to treat us a certain way, it tells them that that is an appropriate way to treat people. If we insist on being treated well, it will teach them to treat others well also. Good point.

The style of the book kind of involves a dialogue between the two authors, and this makes for a really neat tone. One can bring up the questions and concerns and hard realities, and the other responds in a way that is palatable and doesn't just sound like canned advice. And they critique their own advice, anticipating our objections and rationalizations. Near the end they acknowledge their running assumption that you will find the perfect man as one of the authors points out that this is not guaranteed. The other author agrees, but says he has found that he must live with the belief that his life will turn out well. "I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready." I thought that last bit was so beautiful.

They live in a different dating world than I do, though. Chapter 4 is all about how "he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you." It makes me nervous that that's how they define dating and a healthy relationship. Is all of non-Christian culture like that? They also describe the love relationships portrayed in movies as the ideal, whereas I've always heard them critiqued as fantasy.