Suggestion

The last thesis update meeting I had, a few weeks ago, was kinda rough. I discovered the final due date is earlier than I expected, and I was facing weeks of midterms and presentations that I knew would consume all my time. And I often have a hard time with the way my thesis advisor comes across and some of the things she says.

As we ended this meeting after talking about all the work I had ahead of me, she asked, "Are you going to be alright? I don't want this to push you into deee-pression." (and that's how she said it - deee-pression) What do you even say to that?

Although I know this wasn't her intention, it's basically like she suggested that to my subconscious. Thanks a lot.

I managed to largely forget about that over the following weekend. But then I saw her on Mon morning and she brought it all back up again with the concerned look on her face. "Are you alright? You seemed so discouraged when you left my office last week. I just want to make sure you're okay." Well I was. Past tense.

Now whenever I see her she has that pity look and she gushes about whether I am okay. And I can't be okay in the face of that. It utterly deflates me.

She told me not to avoid her and the informal questions she will ask about my thesis' progress. But that's not what I avoid - I need to avoid her because of her pity concern that cripples me. And I don't know if it's fair to tell her that...

The truth is, I'm not okay. And her suggestion of depression seems to be beginning of this current season of depression. Maybe that's not true; maybe it's just a convenient scapegoat. But she is definitely not helping. My way of coping it to acknowledge what is going on and then facing it with strength, and other people's expressed heightened concern for me completely undermines that.

The symptoms: I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to face the day. My apartment is messy. It takes too much energy to eat what I should. I'm withdrawing from people. Being at work doesn't distract me from it like usual. My self-esteem has taken a dip: I find I'm referring to myself as a loser more often and I don't think anyone likes me (although I know those aren't true). I think I often look sad. And every time I think of having to write this thesis, a strong reaction rises up in me that says "I don't want to do it.

The thesis is due in a week and two days. That'll probably be a crappy week, but then it will be over. Then maybe stability will return to me.

Don't give up Michelle. It is a hard race to run, but I know that you can do it, and wow - is it worth it! I'll be praying for you.
~ Lucas

Thanks, Lucas.
Help, Lord.