A Week of Ditches

All week long people cancelled plans on me. At the beginning of the week, my week was booked. By the end, it had pretty much emptied out completely. At first this was okay, because I kinda liked the time at home alone. (I've been so tired.) So I didn't mind (1) when those dinner plans got cancelled (her family thing was important), (2) when she had homework and couldn't hang out (the plan was more assumed than articulated anyways), (3) when he stood me up for coffee (I didn't call to ask him where he was, so I have a bit of responsibility), and (4) when she forgot I'd invited them over for dinner (it'll be better another time when they can both make it). (Some plans also got cancelled because of me: the time I couldn't hang out because I had homework and felt sick, the meeting I cancelled because I had nothing to present, and the meeting I skipped because it conflicted with something that got rescheduled.) I was feeling kinda sad by the time the fifth thing got cancelled on me, lunch after class on Fri (she had something else come up that could only be done at this time), but it was okay because there was still a plan #6 to fill that time slot. When I'd invited him to come for lunch with us a few days before he said yes and sounded excited. But after class he was standing with a group of guys, and it felt awkward to just say "okay, let's go" to him, so I invited them all to come for lunch. One said he had no money, and one said he had other lunch plans, and one said nothing, and the guy that I had plans with said he had no money, which was like a "no". So we didn't go, and I was so sad. It's kinda like everything that fell through all piled up and it was just too much. I cried on the way to work and then I cried when I realized I didn't need to bring my backpack into work, and then I cried when a customer was jokingly uncooperative. (And he felt bad, haha.) Just little crying, but still. It all made for an awful, awful day. I felt so depressed I was nauseous, and on my break I sat alone because I couldn't handle talking to anyone, and although I had a textbook with me I couldn't read it because holding it up would be too much effort. It doesn't really make sense... the effect doesn't really follow from the cause... but that's the way it was.

I wanted to say, "Your company is worth my ten bucks. Come on, I'll treat." I've treated him every other time we've gone out anyways, 'cause that's what I'd do for my little brother and I think I kinda look at him that way. But... I didn't want to say that in front of everyone, and I didn't want to make the same offer to the other guy who was also low on money. I felt like the way things turned out was partially due to my passiveness, but I don't know what else I could have done.
It would have been different if the other guys weren't there. Why?
I don't know if I should talk to him about this for closure, or just let it go.

I don't often let boys treat me to things, because I fear that that is leading them on. I'd rather pay for myself. I guess it should go both ways though, and I wonder if I need to reevaluate that if I have no problem treating boys and I don't feel like they're leading me on. But... it's different. There's a cultural expectation of chivalry that maybe guys should pay for girls, and I'm not comfortable with that. Also, I generally always have money, and often when I treat guys it's because they don't.

I'm kinda afraid to make plans with anyone now. A friend said to me, "Does it still work for you to go see a movie together on Wed?" and I said, "Um, yeah, sure!" and I thought, "You better not stand me up!"