Pretense

I try to avoid pretense, pretending, trying to make myself seem better than I am or things seem better than they are.

Once long ago I had to write a paper on a topic within the Book of Acts, and I chose Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5). They were the ones who sold some property and gave the money to the apostles - but they said they were donating the whole amount when they had actually kept some for themselves, and they were struck dead for their deceit. As I looked into what their sin actually was - what aspect of their conduct earned such a drastic punishment - I realized that the problem wasn't that they had withheld the money (since it was an offering, they weren't obligated to give the entire amount), but that they tried to make everyone think they were giving it all. They tried to make everyone think they were more generous, righteous and holy than they really were. Pretense.

The impressions we give off really matter. I have tried to take this to heart. Sometimes I fail quite dismally, like when I lied to a girl I worked with about going to church. (When she asked "do you go to church" I thought maybe she was saying "are you a Christian" so I said yes. That led to more questions and more lies...) I think of pretense in times of communal worship, and I feel restricted not because I fear people will think I'm strange if I'm expressive, but because I fear they will attribute to me more holiness than I deserve.

This is a dilemma for me this weekend, and most times when I visit my family over a Sunday. They expect that I will go to church (by myself - they don't go), but I typically don't go, and I don't want to. I'm not comfortable being honest with them about this part of myself, so sometimes I go just because they expect me to. Usually I just hope they won't bring it up and then I can pretend they don't notice. This weekend is especially awkward, though, because Easter is a popular time to go to church even for people who never go, so it's extra telling if I don't go...