Relationship Thoughts

Things in theory are different than things in practice. You can make great theories, but when you get close to the real thing, you sometimes see your theories dissolve. Throughout my time of singleness I've done a lot of thinking on relationships. The recent situation with Justin has renewed my perspective, though, and made me realize that a lot of my theoretical ideals don't fly in the real world.

~ I figured that it's not all that important (to me) to expect to marry the person I'm dating. I'd rather go into a relationship without such expectations so I'm more likely to make a fair assessment as we get to know each other of whether we really are well suited for each other. And in the meantime, you just have fun together. But I've been realizing that marriage really is worth thinking about before you begin dating someone, because you will either marry them or break up. And despite my last experience, breaking up isn't always pleasant - and you don't want to cause them pain. Once you start dating, it moves into the "potential for marriage" realm - it's not just filling time and keeping each other company. That's called "just being friends." I still don't think that I have to be sure I'll marry someone before I date them, and it doesn't have to be something we've talked about, but I should be able to see that as a possibility. Because it turns out that I don't know how to do something that's not serious if we're calling it a relationship.

~ Once you start talking about a relationship, it puts funny pressure on things. It has a different flavor than a friendship does - and that's kind of inevitable. It happens even when you think it won't. A boyfriend is different than a friend.

Some new thoughts and theories have come out of this new perspective. (Hopefully they'll still seem true from later points of view!)

~ Marriage (and even relationships) will always be hard, no matter who you're with. It's a choice to make it work, to make it good. But at the same time, that doesn't mean it doesn't matter who you pick. It will be more or less hard depending on how well you fit together. And you need to think about whether what you have with this person is enough to make you willing to put the hard work into making a good relationship.

~ I like building up to friendships/possible relationships. I like the excitement of flirting. I like it when a guy gives me attention because he wants to, not because he is obligated to because I'm his girlfriend. I don't expect the good things about a pre-relationship to actually last into a relationship...

~ Some people are friends who cuddle, friends with (some sort of physical) benefits. Do they just assume that the other person is on the same page and that the physical means nothing? Maybe they've talked it out and are both in agreement (or if they're not, they're willing to say they are. "Yeah, sure I don't 'like' you!"). I generally assume that physical contact means relationshippy things, but maybe that's not a common assumption and I am too eager with my "talks." I just don't want to encourage ideas that aren't true and hopes that aren't founded. I don't want to lead them on. I would like to hold hands without dating them, but I feel like that needs a talk to be okay.

~ That's the thing about asking for advice: your friends can tell you what they think, and what they have done in similar circumstances, but you never really know if that applies to your situation...

~ I have mixed feelings about exclusivity. On one hand, I would feel jealous if Justin was throwing popcorn at another girl, or if Patrick started having someone else over for movies. But I don't think that necessarily means I want to be more than friends with them - I just want to be a little bit special in their lives, and that is what we do together. I can be jealous for my friends. For instance, when two of my female friends started working together this summer I felt a little left out because they had something in common that I wasn't a part of. And while I feel kinda jealous, I don't act on that. It makes me sad, but I understand that friendships do not have a commitment clause.
At the same time, though, I don't want to feel like I have to be exclusive to only one guy. I really value all of my friendships with guys, and I don't want the promotion of one to be the ruin of the others. I guess that strengthening these friendships now, before I am in a relationship, means that they could last even if I got a boyfriend because they were around first. But I guess I also need to wonder whether we are just keeping each other company while we wait for the right one to come along, and if we'll have much left for each other when we're no longer single.

~ I'm nearing the point where if I'm not looking for a life-long relationship, it might not happen. Every other time period of history would already consider me an old maid. I'm starting to understand those desperate people who settle. Not that I'm desperate, just observant.

Relationship dissected: At it's most basic, a relationship seems to be...
Enjoying spending time with someone
+ Seeing a future together
+ A DTR conversation making it official (probably)

Airport Observations

I find it interesting how different airports have different security emphases.
- Every time I flew out of Idaho I saw the sign forbidding any locks on checked baggage, because they would search it all. And as I went through security, they made me take off my shoes each time so they could swab them.
- Leaving Alberta, they were very suspicious of my (plastic) recipe box filled with (paper) Greek vocab cards. My bag went through the x-ray twice, and then they inquired about it. I have also caused difficulties by having a lot of bobby pins in my carry-on here.
- In Ontario, they feel very strongly about having the small approved bottles of liquids/gels in a plastic bag. I read about this, so I already had my mini lotion and two lip glosses in a baggie, but I didn't worry about the one in my pocket. I was waiting for my bag to come through when I nonchalantly pulled my lip gloss out of my pocket and put some on. I heard the security officer say to someone, "Can you grab a bag for that lady's cream?" What? That lady? My lip gloss? "You should have given that to him," she reprimanded me as she gave me a special bag for it. They feel strongly about this!

On the topic of Greek: I haven't touched my vocab since last spring, but out of the three hundred and some words we learned in our first year, there were only 24 I didn't get! Second year vocab didn't go nearly as well, but still I am encouraged to have not forgotten it all.

Fix

Whenever I think about it I really get my thoughts mixed up and it all starts to hurt. I still am very much in love with her... Today I started out so well, I was so trusting in God with breaking up with her and as the day went on I just wished I was with her more and more. I know that it's the right thing to do, to break up. But it just really sucks and I haven't told anyone tonight, but it's really hard right now. I can't believe that it's only been a week =(

I wish I could fix your pain.
I wish I could help.
I wish I could make it better.

But really, what can anyone do in the face of someone else's pain?
Listen.
Be there.

Pray.
...God, comfort.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard night missing her. I wish I could make it easier for you. If I was there I would give you a big hug and we could go for ice cream and watch a movie. :0) But being far away, I will pray for you, praying that God will comfort you and show you his presence and love. He is near, and he cares.
You are fantastic. I'm glad you had something worth missing. And thanks for telling me it was hard today. Vulnerability is good, and I'm praying for you.

Approaching the Airport

I left finding a ride to the airport until the last minute. My flight left at 7:00 AM, and it seemed like all my friends are either not morning people or are already at work by that time. Some guys at work wanted to hang out, and the plans that one of them suggested would end us up near the airport so I though I could maybe just ask them to drop me off there when we were done hanging out. I figured I would just get there super super early. But then I ran into a friend who lives near me and works with WestJet, and he was going to work at the time when I needed to be at the airport, so he offered me a ride. That was sweet of him, and he was going that way anyways, so I took him up on it. Thanks for the ride, Friend.

He didn't just give me a ride, he waited while I was ten minutes late because I'd left my phone on silent and didn't realize he was downstairs waiting for me. He brought me coffee! He carried my bag for me, and saw me right to the proper line-up. I appreciated these kindnesses.

We don't see each other much anymore, so it was neat to have an opportunity to reconnect on the drive. The convesation took an interesting turn as we merged onto the highway, though. I asked about his girlfriend, and her meeting his family. He said they really liked her, and I interjected, "What's not to like?" He agreed, and then he said, "You're like that too. Everyone would like you." Wait - - comparing me to the girlfriend, when nothing in the context called for it?! I'm not sure what to think about that. It's probably nothing; he's probably just being complimentary. I guess that's the best thing to assume.

A Talk

Justin and I tried to plan a hanging-out extravaganza with coworkers last night - but no one else came! That was alright, we had a good time, and things turned out differently than they would have if other people had been there.

First we went and played pool. I sunk the 8 ball in half the games, haha. Then we went to a late movie, thinking that other people could join us after work, but alas they did not. It was just the two of us. During the movie we spent a lot of time throwing popcorn at each other. Then he put his arm around me (to throw popcorn at me from both sides - but he left it there). Then he tried to tickle me, so I basically had to hold his hand so that I wouldn't get tickled. So we held hands for probably half the movie, his arm around my shoulder. And it was nice. But... I'm not looking for a relationship here, so with the advent of such flirty touch, I figured we'd better have a talk.

We went to Denny's. We hung out at Denny's until 4:00! (I had told him I probably wasn't sleeping that night because I had to get to the airport early.) We talked about all sorts of stuff. Eventually I brought it up: "Hey, remember how a few weeks ago I told you about Punky Mullet Guy and how I liked holding his hand but how that means 'relationship' to me, and how I figured he and I might need to have a talk? Well, although I liked holding your hand back at the movie theatre, it reminded me of that, so maybe we need to have a talk." He didn't really say anything. I continued, though I wasn't quite sure where to take it next. I remember saying that I like attention and I like touch, but I'm not thinking relationship. And he still didn't really say anything! When I anticipated having this talk tonight, I didn't think it would turn out any other way than us both saying, "Of course I don't want anything more than friendship!" He always talks about not wanting a girlfriend. But his silence was perhaps a little telling? I did ask whether the reason he tried to tickle me was so that I would have to hold his hand in self-protection, and he answered, "maybe." I didn't want to press him further into stating where he's at because it can be embarrassing to admit feelings and such, especially when I've already said I'm not interested. We soon began talking about other things, but I feel a little unsatisfied about the talk. Although I've said, "I don't want a relationship," we didn't clarify what the friendship can look like. I like his arm around me. But I wonder if it's okay to enjoy the attention if I'm not interested in the more it may represent.

In the aftermath, I find myself wondering what's so bad about a relationship, and what's so bad about a relationship with Justin. Well, he's only twenty, and that is so young, too young. And he thinks religion is fabricated, which means that much of what is important to me isn't welcome in our conversation because he sees things through different eyes. Plus, if we call it a relationship, he's probably not going to be satisfied with holding hands.

Thanksgiving

Event

I had a good Thanksgiving. It was nice to go up and see my family - I'm glad I placed my vacation at this time. We had some good conversations and fun times.

My Mom came up early and she and I went on a shopping trip to a store that we love but that hasn't been in our province until now. It was fantastic - just as good as I thought it would be. I've often said that when this store comes here I probably won't buy as much there because it won't be a novelty anymore and I won't need to stock up, but it seems that it is still a novelty to me, because I still bought a lot.

I enjoy my brother. Dave and I made up a pie song. It goes like this: Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie, pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie. And it's to the tune of Dueling Banjos. It's pretty fantastic. And it could become a dual purpose song if we changed the words to: Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi, three point one four one five nine two six!

I had a good talk with my aunt in the afternoon before the family dinner. She retroactively invited me along to events already gone by: last Easter, and summer vacation. Although the invitations aren't really useful five/two months after the fact, I was still touched to be included in the memories. To know that they want to have me around.

It's cool to see my cousin grow up. Of course, they're all growing up, but particularly the next-oldest girl, Lisa. She's 16 now, and more of an adult than a kid. She's beautiful and stylish and confident and smart, and so much cooler than I was at that age. I like her.

Patricia and I knitted together. She's 8 now, and for the last few years she's been fascinated with the projects I've been working on at family gatherings. This is the first time she's had a project of her own: she made a scarf for her Webkinz elephant Trunky. It turned out like a first project. Then she started on a blanket for Trunky, and she articulated to me that she wanted to make these things for her stuffed animal because "Trunky is super special to me. She always makes me feel safe, even though I know she's not real."

The youngest cousin, Corey, was set on beating up my brother and had a running tickle war going with me. He's only six and he's tiny for his age, so it was more amusing than successful. But out of his battle with Dave, Corey gave us the best quote of the night: "You're cracking me like an egg nut!" It was hilarious.

"Who wants to say grace," they asked as we all sat down to eat. "Michelle?" I felt really put on the spot, but I didn't see any gracious way to get out of it without putting someone else on the spot. And although I enjoyed the time with my family, I'm not prepared to actually be honest with them about how things are beneath the surface. So I said grace.

********

Thankful

Thankfulness feels obligatory when there is a holiday named after it. It feels like I ought to articulate what I'm thankful for, because it's Thanksgiving. I guess that's okay. Except I don't feel thankful, and I don't feel like I can make myself feel thankful. Thankfulness seems to be akin to wholeness to me, and since I don't have that, I can't do that...

l'action de grace
action of grace?
gracias?

I imagine it's traditionally been a harvest celebration. We're kind of removed from that these days, or at least I am. I'm a city girl who gets paid every two weeks; I don't personally depend on a good harvest, the payoff of an entire spring and summer of labour, to get me through the winter. What did they do with Thanksgiving when it was a bad harvest, when it wasn't enough? Reminds me of a Garth Brooks song (it's really more of a January song, but it's on my mind now):

Not everyone makes it. Charlie Barton and his family had too many poor harvests and lost the farm. What was Thanksgiving for them?

I guess it's about finding things to be thankful for, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Being thankful for life, and seeing bounty even in poverty.

********

Thanking

When we thank or praise God for anything, it seems that beneath the simple "thank you for..." we are actually saying two things:
1) this is good
2) this is from God
But those are both claims that I am really quite uncertain about in most situations. It is hard to recognize what is truly good, and I don't think it is appropriate to say that everything is from God. For instance, I can thank God for giving me a particular friend when in reality that friend is distracting me from God and not really given by him. Maybe it's like telling someone we care about that they can help themselves to any food we have, and they come back to us and say, "Thanks so much for that bottle of poison! I really appreciate it!" And we say, "No!... That's not good! That's not what I was trying to give you!"
So oftentimes, it's not appropriate to thank God? When we start saying "thank you," what we really mean is "I like this. It pleases me." Sometimes I say that instead. And since I don't know whether a particular thing is good, I hesitate to say thank you.

Credits: Steve Howard; YouTube; Garth Brooks, "Wolves"

Ultimatum?

If I have a miserable time in Ontario, maybe I will come home and start taking antidepressants again. I've been thinking of this over the last few months. Not this timing, but this step. Live is probably meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. And people should be able to have good vacations. If this goes miserably, it's a sign to me that my emotional health should be addressed. But still, I'm second guessing myself. Things aren't that bad right now. And it's not like antidepressants worked very well for me last time. And taking means getting them, getting a prescription, going to a walk-in doctor. Really? Will I really do this?

I guess I should define what a "miserable" holiday time would look like. A feeling of purposelessness. Social paralyzation and a feeling of needing to hide from my friend. Cratering self esteem. Suicidal thoughts. This isn't what I expect - it probably won't actually be that bad. It'll probably be mediocre, so I won't have to do anything.

Five years ago I made a similar ultimatum: if I couldn't make myself happy through Happiness Month, then I would seek the help of medication. Happiness Month was a dismal failure, so went to the doctor and got a prescription. That was hard, and I felt so uncertain. This was a step I felt like I had been trying not to take for three years already, and it felt like failure at the time. I remember my second day on antidepressants, after a sleepless night, when Wayne asked me what was going on and I cried at the door. Eventually I switched "flavors," and I didn't feel like they were making very much of a difference. I was on them for about a year, and then I decided to come off of them since my benefits were changing and I didn't feel like I had the money - plus they didn't seem to be working anyway. But I noticed when I stopped taking them that I became more aware that I wasn't okay: whereas before when people asked how I was I could easily say, "I'm fine! How are you," I now felt uncertain and unable to so easily focus on the other person. Plus, I came off a little too fast and everything was pretty spinney for a week or so!

What do I expect from antidepressants? A little help, I guess. I don't expect a magic happy solution. I guess I hope for a reduction in the social anxiety. The emotional energy to care about people well. A sense of a crack in the wall I see between me and God.

I guess we'll see what happens!

Lock Woes

Unfortunate things always seem to happen to me on the Thanksgiving weekend that interrupt my efforts to leave town and see my family.

Last year my car wouldn't hold coolant. When it overheated again the day after I refilled it I figured I couldn't trust it to a six hour trip, and I called my Dad to tell him I wasn't coming (at the last minute). I was sad to have to do that because I think Thanksgiving is the time for family, not the time to be stuck at home alone. But then my Dad came to see me, so that was kinda cool. But it left me cooking a Thanksgiving dinner. We had chicken.

This year the problem was that my door wouldn't lock. I went to leave the house this morning and my key wouldn't turn in the lock. Neither would the spare key. Not even after WD-40. Eventually me an the hardware store got it figured out, but it made me late for breakfast and set my travelling plans back about two and a half hours.

When I discovered the problem, I called those in charge of my apartment complex. There was no answer at the office number, which didn't surprise me, so I called the emergency number. Although this wasn't exactly an emergency, I needed it fixed right away so I could leave! But the emergency number only yielded a busy signal - for three hours! And that really frustrated me. One reason why I rent instead of buying a place is that I am no good at these kind of things, and I don't want to have to be responsible for them. At the same time, though, I do try to be low maintenance. I've never called them before. And not getting through tells me to never call again. And what if I had actually had an emergency - something that was causing more damage the longer it continued, like a pipe breaking or the dishwasher flooding or something? What if I couldn't take care of it myself?

Remembered

When I went to the choir concert last week, I put a cheque in the offering plate. Today I got a tax receipt in the mail, along with a letter of thanks. That was nice - but what was really awesome was the personal note the school's president wrote on the bottom:

Michelle,
Thank you so much for your gift. We miss you around here - but wish God's blessings on you as you chase His future!!
Kerry

I was really touched - that he took the time to read the names, remember the people they stand for, and write a greeting. It made me feel special.

Not Mine

I really struggle with not accepting things that are not meant for me.

A classic example from three-ish years ago: "Mind your own goddamn business." My manager said this at me one day at work when I inquired about someone else's break. This person had asked me to check on it, and I guess the manager meant to direct her comment towards the person who wanted their break. But she didn't specify that, she spoke in the second person, and I was the one standing there. I turned abruptly and headed to the bathroom to cry. She followed me to apologize, to clarify. It hardly mattered. I sobbed, even before I reached the safety of a stall, and prayed, "What do I do with this? How do I not accept what was not even intended for me?"

A recent example from this week: "Sorry, this user does not list you as a friend, and they've set the 'friends only' option for who can reply to their journal." This was the error message I received when I tried to post a comment on a friend's blog. I feel like it says, "You are not friends," which is unfortunately tempting to believe since we are in what I guess is a "growing pains" phase of the friendship. But I know that's not what she wants to convey. Her blog is private so no one reads it (so being offered a post was a great honor), so no one comments, so no one is listed as an approved friend. And error messages from the internet aren't really personal missives. But...

How do I take what was personally meant, instead of what was said impersonally?

Non-Church and Double Feature

The alarm rang this morning and I did not want to get up. So I didn't. I didn't call Nick and he didn't call me and we didn't go to church.

I woke up around the time church was starting and thought about how maybe I should have gotten up earlier and gone. And then I thought about how I could maybe still go to another church with a later service, but I decided against it. Instead I stayed home and tried to do some laundry, shaved my legs, made cookies, and did some writing. I planned to get all sorts of stuff done, but the day kinda escaped without me.

Tonight was busy though. I went to a concert for the choir I'd been in for the last three years. It was weird sitting in the audience instead of being on the risers. It's more fun to be up there. Seeing all these people again made me remember the good times of being in choir. But I also remembered the hard times. I don't think I'd say I miss it. But I still feel a little like I'm part of the group, like this is still my thing. Instead of singing second soprano, my role is now to support them by going and listening.

It was cool to be back among the school people, albeit briefly. To remember these acquaintances. To continue to exist for them. To get walk-by hugs from people who couldn't resist although they saw you were in the middle of a conversation with someone else. To say and hear, "We really should get together soon!" and to hope it happens.

There was also a work party happening tonight. I went after the concert and the mingling, only to find the last two people leaving. But that was okay because Justin and I had made plans to play pool there, so I called him up and he came down and we had a good time. When we finished and left we stood in the parking lot briefly and then he suggested going for coffee, so we went to Denny's and spent a couple hours there. It was nothing outstanding, it was just really cool to be able to do that, to be able to find that much to talk about. I enjoy this friendship with Justin.

Metaphor

We use mostly metaphors as we talk about God. We say he is our rock, our father, etc. But he's neither sedimentary nor igneous; he has in no way slept with our mothers (unless we are Mormons). These comparisons say something about God and our relationship with him, but the picture falls short. Not every detail fits. When we use a metaphor, we don't mean everything that we are saying.

It is difficult to discuss God without using metaphor, however. Our language and our conceptual capacity aren't quite big enough to do justice to the spiritual world. So we are left with esoteric jargon, and comparisons.

So most of the time it's a metaphor. But not always. Sometimes I'm not sure which category a term fits into, though. Like "relationship." Is that what it actually is, or is that a picture of what it is? Do we have a real, actual relationship with God, or is the interaction like a relationship?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Assuming that we can say we actually have a relationship with God, and assuming that our deepest relationships will resemble each other, marriage becomes a picture of spirituality. Our relationship with a spouse parallels our relationship with God, and vice versa. Both have to do with our hearts and passions, love and promises, commitment and forever. (Baptism feels like a wedding ceremony to me. Making the promise of for real and forever.)

I am not confident about my ability to promise forever to another person. But I feel that sticking with God and staying in this relationship even when things do not feel ideal is practice for other relationships and reinforces my character in a positive direction. It's about whether I keep my promises when I feel unfulfilled.

It's definitely important in a relationship to be discerning, keep your eyes open, have clear boundaries regarding how you deserve to be treated, and assess whether the relationship is good enough to continue. But after thorough assessment, there comes a time when the evaluation period is over and you enter into a commitment (such as marriage). Here you sacrifice your rights for love of the other. Ultimatums like If you don't treat me well enough, I'll leave turn into assertions like I want to be with you and build a life with you, whatever that means. Laying down your life...

Forgotten

Hey, that really sucks that you didn't get a lunch break on Sunday!
Oh what? You did? Well then it's really unfortunate that all the phone lines went down right at that time.
Yeah well then why didn't you call like you said you would?

I haven't had this (half of a) conversation yet. I'm wondering if I should, or if I should just leave it.

They had a group of us over for dinner last week, and it was great. I felt like I wanted to reciprocate, having them and others over to my place. Yesterday seemed like the best time to do it; the next few weeks might get busy. They said they were free so I said it was a go and invited some other people too and made plans to cook and clean. Then on the day of I went in to pick up a couple things and he told me that actually they had double booked - they said they'd have dinner with his aunt. But on his lunch break he would call her and see if they could get out of it, and then he would call me and let me know. I never heard from him.

There were other cancellers too. At first I was concerned about inviting too many people and not having enough chairs; in the end only two guys came. I guess I know who my real friends are in this crowd? And they were nice about it and helped me feel okay about it. "All the cool kids are here," he said. We had a pretty good time. Good conversation. Sometimes it's better when the crowd is smaller.

But... he said they would come, and then he said he would call, and nothing. Do I bring it up with him? What do I say if he brings it up? (Yeah, it put you on the jerk list? Do I have a jerk list? Is that what gets a person on there?) It doesn't have to be a big deal. (That's okay, I'm still friends with jerks.) I guess that's just who he is - a ditzy, forget-about-people kind of guy. We had a similar problem the day before:

I needed him to fix a problem on a till, something that we had done incorrectly earlier. He was out on the floor so I went to find him.
Hey, are you here to help me take these up to the front?
Yeah, I can do that, but I need you to come too so we can fix this.
Okay, I'll be up in a minute.
Alright, 'cause I'm off in two and a half minutes.
So I went up and waited for him. And waited for him. And waited for him. Eventually I got on the radio:
Hey, are you coming to fix this?
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
Seriously, how did he forget? So much for off in two and a half minutes.

So do I just forget about it because that's just who he is and things turned out okay anyways? Or do I bring it up because I could be witty and it would remind him that people want to be remembered?

Update 10/01/08: He apologized. Said they felt awful about it. I said Oh yeah instead of it's okay. I wasn't quite sure how upset I was. But I felt pretty miserable. (And that felt like home. Hmmm...)
And then he did it again. On Wed he was having people over to watch Ironman, and at the end of his shift he asked me if I was coming. Probably, I said, but I don't remember how to get to your place. He asked if I still had his phone number and I thought I did, but he offered to give it to me again just in case, and I said, That would be awesome. I figured he'd write it down on something and hand it to me 'cause I was busy on a till. But he just left without giving me anything. That is definitely not the way to get off the jerk list. I was really upset. Which kinda tells me I was still upset about Sunday.
As Trevor says, "He does have the memory of a goldfish." He'll be gone for the weekend. It'll be nice to not have him around so I can forget about this.

Church 4

I was tired because I'd had a late night the night before, and I wasn't sure that I would really be motivated to get up and go to church. But then Nick called me in the morning, so I got up and went to church.

~~~~~
"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades..."
...to love you, to walk and stand in your embrace...
~~~~~

The rest of the service offered me excuses. Although they didn't use this verse, parts of the sermon reminded me of 1 John 4:19: We love because he first loved us. Everything that's required of us finds its foundation in our knowledge of God's grace and love for us. And if we don't have that...

Nick left early. There were a couple of people there that I should have said hi to after the service, but the social anxiety hit me so I rushed out of there. It was beautiful out, though, so the short trip to my car became a little walk and a long sit in the sun under a tree.

Integrity

Trevor and I email each other. I like staying in touch with him.

Two emails ago, after telling me about what's going on in his life, he wrote, You're always praying for all of this stuff for me, I only get to pray for your work time, and that you'll find another Trevor to replace me =P If there's ever anything that you want me to pray about, just let me know!
I didn't say much, so in the last email he wrote, You still never told me what I should pray for for you! You're always praying for me and it's not fair haha.

Aw, I have a sweet (eighteen year old) friend. Except there's two little problems.

I don't really pray for him as much as he seems to think I do. 'Cause praying isn't going so well for me. It doesn't seem right to tell him that, but neither does it feel okay to let him think things that aren't true.

And I have no idea what to offer him as a prayer request. I don't want to tell him about the things in my life that are not okay. I don't think he'd understand, because I think he has a completely different picture of me in his head. Someone who's strong in faith and encourages and supports him in his faith. And I kinda think he needs me to be that to him more than he needs me to be honest?

But at some point, it becomes an integrity problem.

Update 10/01/08: I found a prayer request to share with Trevor. I asked him to pray for my upcoming vacation because I am no good at vacation. It was a real request and a chance to be honest about how things in my life are not completely okay, without having to say that nothing is okay. And Trevor responded that he'll be more than happy to pray for me. Yay!

Update 10/22/08: We emailed each other a lot while I was on vacation, and had a chance to share some honesty between us. As an explanation for something else he revealed a piece of himself: I don't think you know, but I... I wanted to thank him for his vulnerability by matching it, so I responded, It's interesting what we don't know about people and who they have been, isn't it. For instance, I've had a depression problem for the last eight-ish years, and I don't think you knew that. I still don't really speak out of that place with him, but if I need to at some time there is now a precedent. The friendship feels more equal. I like that. Do you want me to pray for you or is there anything I can do? he responded.