Ezekiel 1:1-3

In the thirtieth year, in the fourth month on the fifth day, while I was among the exiles by the Kebar River, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God.
On the fifth of the month - it was the fifth year of the exile of King Jehoiachin - the word of the Lord came to Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, by the Kebar River in the land of the Babylonians. There the hand of the Lord was upon him.

I've been reading this all week. I can't move on from these verses. Well, one night I read the rest of the chapter, but then I put the bookmark back at the beginning when I finished.

In exile. In exile for five years. Surrounded by other exiles. A priest, away from the temple, the customary understanding of the place of God's presence, the place of connection with him, the place of religious vocation. Far from home. Far from God? There the heavens were opened. There God met him.

More Thoughts on Vault

Nights in the vault - all good.
Mornings in the vault - not so good.

There's so much more to do, and a limited time in which to do it. Tills definitely have to be out before the store opens. The deposit has to be prepared before the armored car comes to pick it up. And lunch break has to be taken before the five-hour mark of my shift. There are so many more opportunities to make mistakes, and it takes forever to find and fix them. And it's hard to think that early in the morning.

Tomorrow is going to be a disaster. I am only half way through my training on mornings and my trainer can't be there tomorrow, so I'm on my own. I tried to do it all myself on Sat, in preparation for Tues, and it didn't go well. I told the manager that he needs to understand that this might be a disaster, and he said he realizes that. Everyone I complain to (which is, like, everyone) tells me it will be fine, but I don't believe them.

Update 09/23/08: Everyone was right - it turned out okay! (Thanks for your confidence in me. It warms my heart, especially since it turns out you were correct.) Tills got done early and nearly balanced (I was over ten cents, but that's easy to ignore). I got over to the liquor store early and everything went well there. Things slowed down as I began preparing the deposit and it took some time to get those numbers to work out, but still it was good. Of course, I didn't get a break until six hours into my shift, but that seemed okay because it meant everything else was getting done. Hooray!

Every friend that I saw was mindful of the fact that I had opened alone and asked me how it went. That was nice. And that showed me just how many people I had expressed my dread to.

Church 3

I called Nick as I woke up an hour before church started, and he called me back fifty eight minutes later telling me he had just woken up but he'd soon be on his way. "I'll be there in an hour," he said. Good thing it's long church. At that point I was in the parking lot, realizing that since I hadn't heard from him he might not be there, but that was okay because I was at church because I felt like I should be there, not because of him.

I went in, found a seat, scanned the room, and was surprised to see a girl that I work with. I know this girl is highly religious, but I didn't expect to see her at this church. She soon glanced my way and with great excitement waved for me to come and sit with her, which I reluctantly did. I find her... intense. I come to this church with Nick because I feel like with the him I can have an honest experience and not feel like I have to seem okay, and I would not say that about her. But it turned out well enough, and worshipping beside her I sensed that things are not as okay for her as she lets on.

Nick showed up as the sermon began. The sermon was about loving one another (again, but at a different church this time) and being a life-giving community. To demonstrate how in a sense we all belong to one another they had us all hold hands with the people beside us, so I held hands with Sonia and Nick. We sat like that for a minute waiting to see what else the pastor would do with this illustration, but it turns out that was it and he said "Okay, you can let go now if you want." So Sonia dropped my hand, and Nick let go of the person on the other side of him, but then he looked at me and said something like, "I don't want to let go!" and I said, "That's okay, you can hold my hand." It lasted a few more minutes, and I liked it. I liked holding his hand. I'd be open to that more often. But... usually that means relationship to me. And I don't want a relationship here, I just wouldn't mind being friends who hold hands sometimes... That gave me stuff to think about.

After church we went for a brief lunch with his family, and then he was off to the film festival and I went for a walk with a friend who got bumped from that evening because I had some last minute dinner plans with work friends come up.

~~~~~

God in my laughing

There in my weeping

God in my hurting

God in my healing

Be my everything

~~~~~

Come and find me
Tell me I'm yours
and that you love me

I'm so glad it's Fall...

... because the new season means new mascara! I have been waiting for this day for, like, two months and twenty five days. Yeah, I wasn't a fan of my last mascara. But I'd had it in my stash for a while before I used it (I bought a two-pack quite a while ago, and this one was number two), so even though I hadn't opened it, maybe that's why it wasn't very good.

The Mascara for Fall is: Maybelline Volume Express Turbo Boost
This is another half of a two-pack that I bought a while ago, but it's alright still. It easily makes my lashes look long. Yay! Now I just need to find good eye makeup remover.

To be honest though, I don't wear make up when I'm working mornings because playing with mascara is not what I want to be doing at 5:15 am, so although in theory this is my new mascara for the season, I'm not going to be using it much for a little while.

75 Farenheit is 24 Celsius

I've been listening to Relient K lately.

I really like this song. I always have.
I like it that they aren't afraid to talk about times when we are not okay.
So even though Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't exactly my problem, I like the acknowledgement of how external factors like the weather can affect how we are doing - and yet somehow God and what he does in our lives is in the middle of that too.

And we might break up if I don't wake up to the sun.

It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

Neglect

So, I tend to write at night. That's when I have the chance to sit down and gather my thoughts together and put them onto the computer. Earlier in the day everything is too scattered.

But now I sleep at night. Like, I go to bed at 9:30 at night. And still get less than eight hours of sleep! Good morning, Mornings!

So the sleeping cuts into the writing, and I know that my blog is feeling neglected. There are things that I am planning to post, but I just haven't had the time yet. Eventually.

Secrets and Friendly

So, I've gradually become a real fan of PostSecret. Whereas before I would think to myself, "Yeah, that's interesting but I'm not sure I'd strongly recommend it," now it comes up in my conversations and I say to others, "Have you heard of this? It's really cool." Yup, I'm decidedly a fan.

What is it, you ask? It's a "community art project" started by a guy named Frank Warren. Four years ago he invited people (strangers) to anonymously mail to him a handmade postcard with a secret that they've never told anyone. Since then, he's received something like 200 000 secrets. He posts new ones weekly on his website (the third most popular blog on the internet), and has published books of secrets (and I think I remember something about the proceeds going to support suicide hotlines).

Why would anyone send in a secret? To release it. To be known.
Why would anyone read other people's secrets? To know people. To know yourself.

There's a new PostSecret Myspace site as well, where Frank shares more secrets and also shares some of himself. His answers to people's questions. His struggles. I like seeing into the person who organized PostSecret. And I like it when we acknowledge what lies beneath the surface.

"Have the strength to be vulnerable," he says.

~~~~~~

This is the one that impacted me most this week:Although it's sad, the postcard itself didn't initially really touch me deeply. But this response did:

Erica Rocks!
I would be her bridesmaid. Totally. In fact, get back to me and we can become friends before he proposes.

Erica amazes me. She sees someone who needs friends, who needs a best friend, and she says, "I can help. I want to be your friend. Just because you need me." She sees a need and steps in. She offers friendship to someone without knowing anything about them, without knowing whether they're crazy, without knowing whether they're the kind of friend she wants to have. She just offers her friendship because they need it. That's unconditional, isn't it. That's beautiful. And that's a lot of confidence in yourself and your friendship skills. I'm admirous.

Church 2

So church on Sunday with Katie. Twice. The night before, as I went to bed, I prayed, Jesus, might I find you?

The morning service was okay, not outstanding (for me). They talked about loving each other, a concept that perplexes me, and they didn't address my questions. I see a clash between timeless ideals and cultural norms. Romantic love and its possibility seems to constrain agape love. We are supposed to love everyone, but it's not appropriate for me to "love" all boys, for instance. I've tried substituting "care" for "love:" "I care about you" is more okay to say than "I love you." But I'm not sure if that loses something, and I don't know what to do with it when I am told to love everyone without these questions being acknowledged. I also think that the assumption that character equals Christian (and vice versa) isn't as common as we imagine.

That night we went to the young adult service. The ambiance was different (evening, dim lighting, loud music) and I think that helped me approach God more honestly - I didn't feel as dull and placid as I did at church earlier.
~ They talked about humility before God. We read about the sinful woman who anointed Jesus's feet, and how that's a picture of an ideal worshipper. It reminded me of last week at church, when they pointed out that in the story of the prodigal son, the son comes home not with demands but asking to be made like a hired servant. Humility. But that made me wonder about dignity. Can humility and dignity coexist? How much do I have dignity in my relationship with God? Do/can I approach him as a sort of equal? If I'm someone who automatically does what people tell me to without feeling like I can say no, I have boundary problems, but it is obedience to instantly and unquestioningly do what God bids. Is growth as a person compatible with growth as a Christian?
~ The worship leaders suggested taking off our shoes as we came into worship as a symbol of humility. I waited a few songs to do so because I wanted it to really mean something. Then a line in one of the songs mentioned kneeling before God, and I felt the need to kneel. But I didn't want to make Katie uncomfortable beside me (she is not really the expressive worship type) and I wasn't sure if the next song that was coming would fit with kneeling so I waited for that too. Eventually I did kneel. And somehow it feels more real, it feels easier to actually talk to God, when my face is an inch from the back of the chair in front of me, when I can shout and make faces and cry without attracting additional attention. Here were some of my prayers:
I wish the truth was better.
I'm sorry.
I won't say the nice things if I don't see that I really mean them. Things like "I love you" and "blessed be your name."
But... I want to be with you.
It feels like this is my lot. And I accept it. Surely placid acceptance is almost as good as gratitude?
~ I cried during worship. But when worship ended, I got up and was "okay" and made a joke about not having a kleenex. The crying wasn't a surprise or a new crisis. It kinda feels like I live in the crying. And so I learn to live with it. I learn to be okay in spite of it. I learn to recognize that there's a time to express it, and there's a time for it to remain under the surface.
- I sensed that We've got more fights coming...
I hope we make it.

Weekend

I went to visit Katie and Trevor and Grandma. It was good. In a few weeks I (hope I) will go visit my other friend and acknowledge her son's birthday.

I left on Saturday night. I hoped to get off work early, but that didn't turn out so well. I also had to stop at home to get some stuff together, so I got a bit of a late start and I was in a bit of a bad mood. I was tired as I left the city and it was dark and I had a long-ish drive ahead of me, so I figured I should call someone so that talking to them could keep me awake. I decided to call my Mom, and we had talked for half my trip. That was mostly nice, and it served its purpose.

My favorite part of the trip was just talking to Katie the night that I got there (I stayed with her the first night). It was hard to stop talking, say goodnight, and go to bed. And conversation with Katie never fails to make me feel better.

The next morning we got up and went to church. (I'll write more about that later.) Then we ran some errands and hung some shelves and pictures on her walls (a slight disaster). We sat in the back yard for a bit while she did some reading and I wrote a card, and then we had Trevor over for a barbecue.

It turns out Trevor had gone home for the weekend. He specifically came back early to have dinner with us, but I'd hoped to maybe spend the afternoon together or something. I felt a little disappointed by the time we did have together - it felt like we didn't have very much to say. I wondered if we have ever been able to talk really honestly or if is always just surface pretense. I wondered if I just need to let go of this friendship. He left early to turn in an assignment he was worried about. Katie and I planned to go to church (again) with him that evening, but he didn't even sit with us when he got there.

Trevor became a Christian a year ago, and I wanted to acknowledge that so I got him a "Happy Birthday, You're 1!" card. (It's hard to find 1-year-old cards that are appropriate for adults and don't talk about things like being "such a cuddly, bouncy boy," but I guess the reason for that is obvious). He read it later that night, and sent me a series of text messages that felt more like good times between us.

Hey! I just opened your card. I laughed so hard when I saw that it was Winnie the Pooh. Thank you so much though! That was so great that you remembered. I keep all of the inspirational things and letters to cheer me up in case I ever have a poor day, and you've got a good majority of the stack, so thank you! That was a great verse that you picked out too! [Zephaniah 3:17] Please do me one last favour though... Please don't reply! I hate it when you spend the fifteen cents! [Until recently, I hadn't had a text message plan on my phone.] Thanks for your friendship and your support though, it was wonderful to spend the evening with you! Have a great night, and God Bless!

I spent Sunday night and Monday with Oma. We went to the Dollar Store, got Booster Juice for lunch (she'd never had it before and wanted to go when I mentioned that's what I'd done with Katie) and I treated because I was feeling like I need to start being an adult, and then we went to the elementary school to help the Grade 5 kids (including my cousin) learn to knit. It was fun but not very successful, and it inspired some doubts about my teaching ability.

I have another friend who also lives in this city: Abel. We used to be really close, but we kind of stopped talking to each other even before he moved away. A few months ago I sent him an email saying I'd probably be coming to town sometime and wondering if he'd be interested in getting together. I never heard back from him. I emailed him again this time telling him to call me if he was free, and I was surprised when he actually called! I stayed a little later than I planned so that he and I could go out for coffee, and although it was brief it was pretty good. He is doing well and that is nice to see.

Then I came home to go to bed, 'cause I had to get up stupid early the next morning for work!

Discovery Etc

Tonight at work there was some debate about whether "flirtatious" is actually a word. I sided with Anson against Kurt: "Of course it is!" But I came home and looked it up on Dictionary.com anyways. Yup, there it is: Flirtatious: given or inclined to flirtation; full of playful allure. Then I followed some related links and ended up coming across this hilarious blog: Awkward Things I Say To Girls. It's well written and oh so funny. I think it reminds me of Donald Miller and Relient K. And it's written by someone named Justin, which is always a good thing and which makes me wonder about my fondness for Justins.

The Dictionary.com Word of the Day was also a good one: Evanescent: liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting. That seems descriptive of so much.

Today at work my "babysitter" called in sick (but she warned me yesterday that she might, so it wasn't a shock) and I also forgot my cheat sheets at home (again), but although I was on my own I did everything really well! I even got out early! Hooray! I think I need to watch my work ethic, though, when no one else is monitoring me. I still only deserve so many breaks.

Part of my job right now is answering phones (an unfortunate part), and tonight someone called looking for a different department. He said they weren't answering, so I took a message and walked it over to them. Then on my way back I ran into a friend who was shopping! That was amazing timing - I came out just at the right time when he was there! He's the kind who's not afraid to show affection, so he gave me like seven (great) hugs, and when I asked about his girlfriend after he touched my hand he said she's doing awesome, and then he blew me a kiss as I went back to work, and before he left he gave me one final hug and said he loves me. And somehow that's okay from him, and it's okay to say "I love you" back to him even though as a rule I don't say love to boys. Running into him was a hilight of my day.

Weekend Dilemma

Katie and Trevor both moved to the same city to go to school, and I've been promising them that I'll come visit. Next weekend (not this coming one, but the one after) seemed ideal - I'm off Sun and Mon, and I'm working Sat morning so I can come after work and spend Sat evening with them too. But unfortunately they're both coming home that weekend, so they won't be there for me to visit. I thought about going the weekend after, but Katie won't be there and I'm not sure that I'll have Mon off. Maybe I should just wait until Oct? But Oct will be busy for me, and my days off probably won't be on the weekend so that's less ideal since they're in school. So I started thinking about this weekend (even though it's also less ideal because I have a later shift on Sat)...

...Until I checked the mail yesterday. I got a letter from an out-of-town friend, letting me know among the chatter that they're having a first birthday party for her son this Sun and I am welcome if I want to come. I don't think she expects me to take her up on the invitation because she'll expect I'll be working - she won't even know I'm off. It was sweet of her to invite me anyway. And when I first read her letter I thought, "Yeah, I'm off! I'll totally come!" But... what about Katie and Trevor?

I think I'd rather hang out with Katie and Trevor. But I feel the obligation to take up my other friend's offer. I'm afraid if I don't visit them now I never will. But I also promised to try to come see her every month or so, and I guess if I don't see her now it may be quite a while until I find another chance. I guess I could go visit her on one of the other weekends, while the other guys are busy... But then I won't make it for the birthday party. She would probably never know that I could have come - she'll just think I was working - but what if she does find out? I feel like my decision is a vote for one friendship and against the other.

I'm not sure what to do. But I need to decide quick because it's four days away and I need to let people know my plans.

Update 09/12/08: I'm going to visit Katie and Trevor. They're free and I can visit my other friend another weekend.

Church

I went to church today. I've been feeling like I ought to go, and I have Sundays off right now. It was alright, pretty non-awful.

Last night I wrote, Church tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect from the experience. I hope I wake up on time... Jesus, as I come, might I have the sense that you welcome me?

I chose the church by the company. I don't feel like I personally have strong enough ties to any particular church right now, and I didn't particularly want to be alone. But although I wanted to go with a friend, I didn't want to feel like I had to fit my experience to their expectations of me. I wanted to be able to have an honest experience, whatever that might be. Anyway, so I called up Nick last night to ask him if I could go to church with him. Although I haven't seen or really talked to him since we met, I feel comfortable being honest around him and he knows where I'm at. When I asked him what church he goes to, he made it easy by immediately asking if I wanted to come with him, and I liked that.

Church itself was okay. I succeeded at getting up on time. I felt dull and flat during the worship. I left during communion. The fellowship break was kinda neat - I knew a few other people at this church too, and then I had a conversation with another guy who was new. The sermon was presented by a visiting prophet, and although I felt wary about that, he was winsome and funny and he didn't make me mad or sad. They invited me to come to Young Adults that night and I declined. But I told Nick I'd come to church with him again next week.

I liked seeing Nick again. He is a funny funny person. After church he let me in on his secret of the day - a big hole in the crotch of his pants, and the fact that he doesn't own underwear. Then we went and had lunch with his family. And he gave me a great hug when I left and we said we should hang out.

There must be more than this...
Spirit of God, come...

Thoughts on Vault

I think I have developed a sensitivity to hand sanitizer. I noticed today that I instantly developed a headache after using it. I've had a lot of headaches lately, and I've used a lot of hand sanitizer lately - for good reasons. Not only am I working with money (which is gross) these days, but I have a cold and the girl training me has a son with immune deficiencies so she can't get sick. Good thing I'm getting better, 'cause the headaches aren't fun.

Working in the vault is good. I'm learning quickly and feeling confident. Yesterday (my third day) I forgot all my cheat sheets at home so I did the job without notes with relative success. My trainer basically leaves me to do the job by myself, because I can, and she says I'm already as good as the other girl who's being doing it for a year. Of course, I haven't done mornings yet, and they say that's a lot harder. But I still have another week on nights, and I think my trainer's going to get pretty bored.

It's amazing how much money can fit into a small amount of space. The value of money is outstanding compared to its size. A bundle of hundreds, less than an inch thick, is $10 000. Crazy! In a slow moment yesterday I was sitting in the chair just looking at the safe, realizing how much was in there despite the fact that it looked quite empty.

My mental capacity for numbers is stretching. I'm good with the thousand range, but I have a hard time thinking in the ten-thousands. I think that 12 000 plus 200 is 14 000. But it's not. And I'm learning that. I'm also getting good at dividing by five. For instance, I know that 35 twenties is $700, 60 twenties is $1200, etc. I'm better at dividing by five than by two it turns out - fifties provide mental gymnastics for me. Like, 37 fifties... huh?

So far I don't mind the isolation. I'm not completely alone because my trainer's around. The vault is peaceful. When I leave for an errand or a break, it feels like I am waking from a nap. "There's people! There's noise and bustle! It's bright! Strange." I don't miss the people all that much yet, because most of the good ones are gone anyway. But there's a lot of transition going on in my department right now though - a new manager and a bunch of new staff - and it's weird being gone for it.

Glimpsing

Last night I sat in the hot springs, and I spent a few minutes observing the people walking by. The people who passed were later in life and had many years behind them. I thought about their lives, tried to glimpse inside and imagine what might be there. The joys; the pains. Everyone's life is so full.

Most people have fallen in love. Most have had their hearts broken. Everyone who is married has had a wedding day, with flowers and parents and promises and hopes. And fights and arguments and frustrations. Everyone who has children has had the joy (and perhaps uncertainty) of discovering they would be having a baby, has gone through childbirth, has brought that baby home from the hospital, has sent them off to the first day of school, has sent them off to become adults (has or will). Many have had miscarriages or lost children, or felt the panic of worry even though everything turned out fine. Dreams and disappointments. Flowers and thorns. Contentment and angst.

This song makes me think of the depth and expanse of every ordinary life:

Alan Jackson, Remember When

To be honest, I cringe at the thought of how long and full life is. I recoil from the knowledge that everyone has a story that would break your heart. Each moment carries such meaning, and life is made up of so very many moments. I'm uncomfortable with the fact that this is all so real and vast.

Day Of(f) Movies

Phone call:
p: so what are you up to today?
m: well, you invited me over to watch movies.
p: yeah! great! when are you coming?
m: well, i want to warn you that i caught a cold. i don't want to make you sick, so i don't have to come...
p: don't worry about that! just come over!
So I did. And we had a great afternoon. When I got there he had made chicken noodle soup ('cause I was sick) and sandwiches, and we drank coke and watched a movie on his fantastically large television. When that was was finished we were going to pop in another one, but instead we just started talking. Five hours after arriving, I left with a smile in my heart.

We spoke honestly. He's good at conversation and not afraid to say stuff, and that makes me less reticent to talk too. I mentioned my depression. He told me it sounds like I'm more than just friends with another guy friend because of how I talked about him (although that doesn't mean "relationship"). We talked about our friendship. He calls me a friend, and he's cautious with that word so it means a lot. I guess the people at work are a little intrigued by the fact that we are hanging out, and figure it must be leading to more. We clarified that it's not, and although I didn't think it was, it is nice to know I wasn't just being naive. He invited me to call him when I need some company, even if it's late.

P.S. Is the title of this post clear? Day Off/Day of Movies? Ordinarily I think puns and double entendres and that sort of thing are lame, but that seems to be what I often resort to when I title blog posts.